Best Sex Positions for Women:
1. That one where rose petals are sprinkled all over the bed and there’s champagne and candles and chocolate. Also, George Clooney is there. This is technically less of a “position” and more of a “recurring dream.” It’s awesome, though. Except that in the end, George’s head turns into a tomato and my father tells me he’s very disappointed in me. My psychiatrist is working with me on that one.
2. The one where I’m perched on the edge of the kitchen sink and we’re having hot, steamy sex while he’s rinsing out all the dishes and he’s even using that wire scrub brush to get all the baked-in, stuck-on food off the casserole dish. The sex part is optional.
3. The one where I’m lying on my back so that it’s easier to suck in my stomach and I’m using my arms to push my boobs toward the ceiling so they look perky and he doesn’t grab any part of me that I think is fat. Which is all of me, really. Fuck. Now I’m depressed. Let’s go get ice cream.
4. Any one of them as long as I’m with someone that I’m comfortable enough with that I know I can fart during sex without him judging me. Because otherwise I spend the whole time wondering if I’m going to fart. It’s probably best that men don’t know this though because it would probably take away some of the romance. You aren’t going to share this with men, right?
5. The one where I’m with someone I love and who loves and respects me right back. Or with the shower nozzle.
6. Reverse cowgirl.
Best Sex Positions for Men:
1. The one where I get to have sex.