Explaining "rough" to someone that doesn't get it.

The New Intimacy

Explaining "rough" to someone that doesn't get it.

Skip to last post
Set alerts
Updates
Forum search
Contributor: Dragon Dragon
Everyone has their own definition of what "rough" sex is, and what it actually means. For some people, this is emotional, for some this is purely physical and the emotional side is completely off limits. Even if you are only looking at physical- you have a huge range of behaviors from a gentle spanking to learning to feel the sensations of a whip, electrical play, piercings, fire play and who know's what else.

In my mind though, "rough" does not equate to "I enjoy rough sex, so you can hurt me randomly in any way you think seems right." I think most people would agree, and then immediately start emphasizing the need for communication. (Let's sidestep the communication issue here, because I'm quite capable of communicating "I don't like that, don't touch me like that because, etc.")

BDSM or "rough" is a combination of sensations that may include discomfort or pain, but also include pleasure and ARE agreed upon.

What I'm looking for is a articles or blog posts that are well written that can explain "rougher" sex to someone who might not get the balance or pleasure/pain or that agreement is a huge part of the balance of what you actually want.

Any suggestions?
01/11/2010
  • Save Extra 50% On Sexobot Attachment
  • Upgrade Your Hands-Free Play!
  • Save 70% On Selected Items. Limited Quantity
  • Complete strap-on set for extra 15% off
  • Save 50% On Shower Nozzle With Enema Set
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Contributor: J's Alley J's Alley
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
Everyone has their own definition of what "rough" sex is, and what it actually means. For some people, this is emotional, for some this is purely physical and the emotional side is completely off limits. Even if you are only looking at ... more
You know, I just had this conversation a few weeks back. An ex has a new girl with jealousy issues. He said not to worry because I like "rough" sex and he isn't into all that "stuff." My concern shot up when she didn't really get what "rough" meant. She firmly believes hair pulling is rough, but BDSM is abusive. I don't see it that way. It is consensual, I allow it and even request it, so it isn't abuse. To me abuse would be a treatment that is not desired by both parties and therefor forced onto one or both people.

I tried explaining this to her, but it really was to no avail. My outlook is that, J and I have discussed this. When we ventured into heavier parts of BDSM we sat down and talked and wrote limits and rules. And if something is not covered by a rule we always talk about it.

Clearly we all have a differing view on the subject (which is why I like BDSM, we don't all have to agree on everything). I would be willing to write a blog post on my personal opinion on the subject, but I am really interested in seeing other views as well.
01/11/2010
Contributor: Dragon Dragon
*bump*

Still looking for ideas here...
01/12/2010
Contributor: Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
I can't help you. My idea of rough is "do a bunch of shit I really don't like and that really hurts and I'll really cry and then, when you're done, I'll love you more cuz the suffering turns my crank".
01/12/2010
Contributor: Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Carrie Ann
I can't help you. My idea of rough is "do a bunch of shit I really don't like and that really hurts and I'll really cry and then, when you're done, I'll love you more cuz the suffering turns my crank".
Yeah. I love that too. Someone taking control because they want to. However what I really don't like is someone with the one little slap that doesn't really hurt, and then back to gentle because it's THEIR idea of what I like.
01/12/2010
Contributor: deceased deceased
My idea of rough sex would take place in the Octodome with atleast one referee to make sure we don't kill each other. Anything goes, headlocks,bodyslams, speedbag gloves....knives, broken glass, whips, clothes pins, chains.

anything seems like a variation of vanilla.


When I was in college, I used to work at a tattoo shop. (Some people in Philly in the 80's are familiar with the one on Arch street at tenth. Sometimes I would use the gun on myself and do "temporary " tattoos with my own blood. There is a point where you stimulate pain and nerve receptors so much that your skin can have an orgasm.
01/12/2010
Contributor: J's Alley J's Alley
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
Yeah. I love that too. Someone taking control because they want to. However what I really don't like is someone with the one little slap that doesn't really hurt, and then back to gentle because it's THEIR idea of what I like.
Unfortunately (maybe?) I think this is the common belief among those who do not enjoy really roughness [in the bedroom]. It's all based on perception, but the thing about those who like rough (although, admittedly, I don't think I would care to have the same level of rough as Carrie Ann...that's just me though ).

Unless someone is really open to the idea of truly rough sex, I am not sure it can be explained and understood in full, you know? I feel I am lucky because my friends get it (my family however...not so much).

I am also a very emotional person, so I love a "rough" emotional session as long as the physical aspect is there as well.

@DBD Are you looking to explain to anyone in particular or just a a few general view points?
01/12/2010
Contributor: Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by J's Alley
Unfortunately (maybe?) I think this is the common belief among those who do not enjoy really roughness [in the bedroom]. It's all based on perception, but the thing about those who like rough (although, admittedly, I don't think I would care ... more
Yep. Someone in particular. I was hoping that someone might have recalled a particular well written article or essay that explains "rough."
01/13/2010
Contributor: J's Alley J's Alley
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
Yep. Someone in particular. I was hoping that someone might have recalled a particular well written article or essay that explains "rough."
link
link ~ half way down under "Real Life"

These are the only two articles I found that are really anything other than a giant opinion. The Wikipedia focuses on the power exchange and how the real power can lie with the sub in that they create the limits.

I would love to see some better articles if anyone has some, I have friends that are interested, but J and I don't mentor because our dynamic won't work for most people (unless it is exactly what they want).
01/13/2010
Contributor: J's Alley J's Alley
Quote:
Originally posted by J's Alley
link
link ~ half way down under "Real Life"

These are the only two articles I found that are really anything other than a giant opinion. The Wikipedia focuses on the power exchange and how the real power can lie with the sub in ... more
I am retarded and forgot about the linking...the second is Wiki.
01/13/2010