The New Intimacy

Getting into the Dom Mindset

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Contributor: Ketsu11 Ketsu11
Left to my own devices, I'd probably be more of a sub. Of course, as fate would have it, my bf is far more of a sub than I am, and very much into FemDom to boot! I'm not at all against the idea of being the Dom, and in fact there are things about it that excite me, but that said it has not felt natural so far trying to play the part. I've sort of avoided it altogether due to the fact I'm not really sure what I'm doing.

I'm wondering if anyone has tips for gaining confidence in playing the Dom role. Are there certain clothes or toys that could help inspire the mood, or has anyone found other ways of developing their Dom mentality?
09/16/2010
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Contributor: Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
Quote:
Originally posted by Ketsu11
Left to my own devices, I'd probably be more of a sub. Of course, as fate would have it, my bf is far more of a sub than I am, and very much into FemDom to boot! I'm not at all against the idea of being the Dom, and in fact there are things ... more
There's a book of erotica called "Please Ma'am" that might give you some ideas of how to dominate a man...it's an anthology so there are quite a few fantasies and inspirations to be found in it.
09/16/2010
Contributor: Madeira Madeira
Quote:
Originally posted by Ketsu11
Left to my own devices, I'd probably be more of a sub. Of course, as fate would have it, my bf is far more of a sub than I am, and very much into FemDom to boot! I'm not at all against the idea of being the Dom, and in fact there are things ... more
Um, well I find that getting into the domme mind set is easier when I dress for it, I have a specific "dominatrix hat" that helps put me there, thigh high boots, all that helps get me in there. Also I find (it sounds silly, I know) it easier to do if I practice in a mirror, looking at myself in my domme gear saying things like "get on your fucking knees" and what not
09/17/2010
Contributor: Kayla Kayla
Clothes help. And a blindfold on him. If he can't see what you're doing, it makes it more suspenseful for him *plus* you can mess up a bit and he won't know. I do recommend dressing the part as well - when you're dressed up, you'll feel a lot better. And it may feel silly at first, but pick a "name" for yourself that he has to call you like "Mistress" or "Ma'am" or something like that.

Despite the bad page design, this website has some fun ideas for you: link Or like someone else said, check out some female-led erotica for ideas too. Or female-led help books like The Mistress Manual or The Female Dominant - things like that.

As always, only do what you're comfortable with. I notice you say you're uncomfortable with things - don't force yourself to do those yet - if ever. It's a slow immersion into the world of BDSM, so take your time. (I've found that even if you don't exactly know what you're doing, using dirty talk seems to keep someone amused. Like "You enjoy laying over my lap like that, don't you?" or whatnot.)

It's all about practice. Seriously. The first couple times are gonna seem scary (and I remember that), but it gets so much easier. If you two go in with a sense of humor, it'll just be fun.
09/17/2010
Contributor: PassionQT PassionQT
I've always had what it takes to be Domme, but it took many years for me to finally come to terms with that side of me. It wasn't until I was 36 that I embraced it. You may be a switch too...some do like both. Personally, I'm not a big fan of being at a man's mercy so I make a terrible sub. I like either total equality or being the boss.

Experiment a little, practice, and if you just don't like it, don't sweat it. I've found it takes a cool confidence to do it.
09/17/2010
Contributor: Ketsu11 Ketsu11
Thanks so much for the replies everyone! (Sorry for not getting back sooner!) Those are great ideas and hopefully with some more practice it'll get easier. I'll look into the books/links and try using a blindfold and the mirror idea. I guess it's just time to get in there and try it out more!

Thanks again! You're all awesome.
10/06/2010
Contributor: KnK KnK
Sometimes I imagine that I'm a different person, or that I'm having a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde type of episode. Except for anything they have previously told me not to do, anything goes and I let myself go on somewhat of a hedonistic rage.

I actually even nicknamed the other side that comes out for domme play. I had originally planned on making a character profile for who she was, but she developed on her own.
12/11/2010