The New Intimacy

Some Help With Getting Started?

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Contributor: Mr Weasel Mr Weasel
I thought I would throw this out there. My wife and I have been married for 15 years, together for 20. We have three children and one on the way. We know each other pretty well - but then a discussion happened one night last spring during love making that kicked things up a notch.

We talked about our fantasies for each other. Our love making sessions had increased in frequency and my stamina had also increased. We were taking a bit of a break that night and just started the conversation.

I shared with her that I liked and was attracted to her meekness, her "submissiveness". I told her that I wanted to be dominant over her and for her to submit to me. I asked her to submit to me and held her wrists together so she knew what I was talking about. She agreed. I told her I like "Master" better than "Sir". She said "Yes Master". From there, our love making sessions increased again in frequency and we've been having fun with this since.

However -

We really are just slipping in to this as sexual roles for the most part. At night, when the kids are asleep. She is a submissive, not a slave even though I like "Master". She doesn't always call me that, she thinks it is silly. But, we've made ground and for the most part she submits to me as the lead in our love making. This all is not 100% though, it is not our "lifestyle" just our sexual roles with each other.

We haven't taken it much further than that. I would like to explore erotic spanking with her, perhaps some discipline. Bondage too. We've talked about it, both seriously and playfully but never really took that step. I'd like to know how to get started. How do I solidify expectations and what should those be on my part? For instance, I prefer her to wear jewelry and nothing else and to come and present herself before me. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. Is this something I should discipline her for? Her erogenous zone really seems to be her nipples - but she is also nursing our 1 year old. I've thought of nipple clamps or maybe using clothes pins instead - but I'm not sure of their use and safety with her

Since she is pregnant (as of June - and yes our frequency and intensity contributed to that! We wanted that to happen and I find it sexy - fyi) I have not pushed the discipline or spanking issue. I don't want to hurt her, just want to have fun and see if we can create arousal for her from this. Really, we might just fall in to the BD and not the SM. We don't like the toys per se either. None of the vibrators I have purchased for her have done anything to bring her to orgasm or have a better one - but my dominance and control have shown some results. I want to see if I can kick that up a notch to give her quicker and better orgasms. Not sure how or what it really is to be a Dom/Master.

Any suggestions?

Mr Weasel
09/28/2012
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Contributor: MissMori MissMori
Well, it might sound really obvious, but my first suggestion would be for both of you to read up on things you're interested in as much as possible. Keeping in mind, of course, that there's no exact "blueprint" you have to follow, and if you come across anything that sounds like it's not right for you you don't have to follow it! (I'm always wary of people who insist there's One True Way - unless it's on safety issues, like not EVER putting ropes around anyone's neck or delivering impact to the kidney region - then there is a right way. But day-to-day relationship dynamics are yours alone.)

I have way more experience from the s-type side, so I'll address that - when I got into my current relationship I was already aware of what I wanted, so that made it easy in some respects.
BUT - and this is a big one - what has worked well for me is having time on my own to reflect on what I want. A good example is your question about whether you should discipline her for not presenting in the way you've asked. I do have expectations to meet, and am punished if I do not, but it works because before we added that aspect to the D/s dynamic we wrote out our ideas, things we wanted, and things we didn't separately and then had a series of conversations around it.
Introducing discipline without having those conversations first may not work well. If she isn't clear on what you will discipline her for and why, and most importantly welcomes that aspect when she agrees to it, issues could come up.

As far as spanking and bondage, that's a good place to start somewhat low-key (barehanded before you try any toys, and start light then work up to more if she responds well).
I don't know anything about such activities during pregnancy, but you might be able to find kink-friendly doctors to ask.

So maybe for now, a good thing to do would be to pick out a few books and read them, then discuss what interests and excites each of you about adding more of this to your relationship.

I do think you're on the right track by being sure you don't want to hurt her, and wanting to use BDSM as a way to give her more pleasure (but I'm biased . . . ) With my own partner, the fact that my safety and happiness are so important to Him leads to trust. Trust leads to greater surrender, and that leads to really awesome orgasms, and that leads to me going on about how awesome He is. We've had some rough spots, as you'd expect, but communication has worked us through them so far.

Good luck to you both!
09/28/2012
Contributor: Mr Weasel Mr Weasel
Quote:
Originally posted by MissMori
Well, it might sound really obvious, but my first suggestion would be for both of you to read up on things you're interested in as much as possible. Keeping in mind, of course, that there's no exact "blueprint" you have to follow, ... more
Are there any books that you would recommend for beginners? Light BDSM to start?
09/29/2012
Contributor: travelnurse travelnurse
I only skirt around the BDSM, but I am a nurse and I breastfeed my children. As long as she is nursing no nipple clamps or clothes pins because they can plug her ducts and cause mastitis, an inflammation in the breast tissue that is terribly painful.
09/29/2012
Contributor: Mr Weasel Mr Weasel
Quote:
Originally posted by travelnurse
I only skirt around the BDSM, but I am a nurse and I breastfeed my children. As long as she is nursing no nipple clamps or clothes pins because they can plug her ducts and cause mastitis, an inflammation in the breast tissue that is terribly ... more
Thank you. I'm glad you said that. We will do none of that.

This is an erogenous zone for her though!
09/29/2012
Contributor: MissMori MissMori
Quote:
Originally posted by Mr Weasel
Are there any books that you would recommend for beginners? Light BDSM to start?
I really like "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns" by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon. It's not all light, but I still think it would be useful to beginners since it includes a lot of safety information and is written in a fun easy to read style but still covers a lot of the emotional and relationship side of things along with technique. It's one of those books you can skip over the things you're not interested in, and just take away the parts that are relevant. Then if you are curious about anything "heavier" later on it's still a good reference.

For female submissives, and focusing more on the relationship side of things I enjoyed "Conquer Me" by Kacie Cunningham. It doesn't talk about technique but I think it would be a good book for a woman exploring her needs and feeling around submitting.

And I haven't read it, but my terribly clever and well-educated Sir recommends "SM 101" by Jay Wiseman. He did mention that it might be heavier on the SM play rather than lighter activities, but it might also be the sort of thing where you can take what you can use and ignore the things in it that don't interest you.
09/30/2012
Contributor: - Kira - - Kira -
MissMori covered so much I don't know if I'm gonna be any good at following up. lol

You can disciple without bringing S&M into if you're concerned about hurting her while she's pregnant. You could have her kneel or write an essay on obedience or something like that. For me, just hearing that I've disappointed him will make me not want to do it again. Actually, even if he doesn't lecture me, just acknowledges that I messed up, I'll get really hard on myself about it.

I would suggest having a sit down talk with her about what you'd really like and if she'd be okay with all of it. We talked for a while before we started everything and then drew up a contract just to solidify the things we agreed on. Then if there's ever a question of what each of us should be doing, we refer back to that. I also keep a list of rules and responsibilities as he gives them to me.

I'd also second the idea of reading books together. My husband/Master doesn't much like to read books, so I would find links online (FetLife is helpful sometimes) to things I liked or thought he might like. If I read a book I'd summarize it to him. "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" is a good one. There's also one called "Living M/s" by Dan and dawn. I really like that one because it's about living M/s but making sure you still have a loving relationship.

As mentioned, S&M doesn't have to be a part of B&D or D/s. You can pick what works for you and go with that. One couple may do it one way, but that doesn't have to be what you do.
09/30/2012
Contributor: mastersonv mastersonv
My Dom and I actually started into the BDSM scene a little bit before I got pregnant with our second child. It started off with some tying up and choking. Then I got pregnant (which we were trying to do!) We didn't let up on the roughness in fact we got rougher. While I was pregnant we began really exploring anal and just how much I could handle, using toys, and punishments. We were cautious of the roughness of course because we didn't want to harm or do anything to end the pregnancy. Our daughter is now 3 months old and we are so crazy about our sex now that we couldn't even wait the whole 6 weeks recommended. We ended up going back at it 4 weeks pp it was a little more vanilla of course but now at 3 months we are back at it and harder than before. Our daughter is also breastfed and my nipples take a lot more abuse than they did before. In fact we are buying nipple clamps soon because we know it's something I can handle now where as before we were unsure. I say talk to your wife again say you really want to try something new, create safe words, explore ideas together that you'd like to try and see just how much she's truly up for she may surprise you. She also can be the best judge of how much her body can take even being pregnant.
10/23/2012