How do I replace a former mistress?

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How do I replace a former mistress?

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Contributor: When Sparks Fly When Sparks Fly
My boyfriend of 4 months was formerly in a pretty hardcore BDSM relationship on and off for close to 10 years with a girl who he hates but is ridiculously sexually attracted to. I never had a problem being dominant in my past but he is beyond my experience in many ways and I have found myself becoming a bit intimidated. When I try being the stuck up bitch he desires, he just shuts down instead of getting turned on.
Then a few days ago I found out he had been texting her incredibly dirty bdsm messages practically every day for over a month and a half. I want to know how to make him come to me instead of going to her.
Any suggestions or advice?
02/07/2010
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Contributor: J's Alley J's Alley
Quote:
Originally posted by When Sparks Fly
My boyfriend of 4 months was formerly in a pretty hardcore BDSM relationship on and off for close to 10 years with a girl who he hates but is ridiculously sexually attracted to. I never had a problem being dominant in my past but he is beyond my ... more
I am inclined to say the issue may be bigger than just replacing a Mistress. There might be other issues that need to be addressed. Communication is very important, especially in BDSM. You should sit him down and ask what it is he really desires. Does he want a romantic relationship with the BDSM, or does he prefer sex and relationships be separate from BDSM? Just a few things to open with.
02/07/2010
Contributor: When Sparks Fly When Sparks Fly
I really do try to communicate with him fairly often. From the beginning we were pretty open with our fetishes, but after this incident he claims he's not fully comfortable doing some of the more extreme things with me yet and is embarrassed.
Thank you for those questions though, I will definitely talk with him more and come back with the results.
02/07/2010
Contributor: Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Might I suggest that you can never replace her? you will never be her you can only be you and while it's great that you're willing, the role she filled may never be one you are good at. Perhaps your boyfriend can tell that?
02/08/2010
Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
I agree with Adriana on one point, you will never be her and you probably can't replace her with an identical style. It's hard to tell if you come naturally to this role or are playing the part to please him.

It's possible that he senses you are doing this to please him and it's not about you as much as it about you trying to be what he wants. I am not suggesting this is the case, but if it is, then probably it's more difficult for him to come to you because he's not entirely sure you approve, that you won't reject him, that you think what he does is "bad."

Instead of focusing on what he wants and how he wants it, spend some time thinking about what you want out of dominating him. What do you want to do to him? What do you want to make him do, etc. etc. Make it about you. Then share these thoughts with him and see how he responds.

I am not a male submissive, but I am a submissive and I can tell you that for me, a top who is play acting to please me and give me what I want is not what I want at all. What I seek is to serve the pleasures and desires of the top. I want it to be more about him than it is about me.

The more extreme things that he feels embarrassed to do with you are the sort of things he's perhaps needing to feel you are demanding of him... which makes it easier for him to do. This is something you might discuss with him before actually trying, to make sure you are on the right path.

These are just a few suggestions, but the truth is there may just be way more to the situation and he may have simply not resolved his relationship with his former Mistress. I wish you luck.
02/08/2010
Contributor: BlessedRaven BlessedRaven
Time really builds important connections in people's lives. I don't think you should try to replace her. You may have the chance to build a stronger connection over time that is completely different from hers.
02/08/2010