Learning to Negotiate

The New Intimacy

Learning to Negotiate

Skip to last post
Set alerts
Updates
Forum search
Contributor: M121212 M121212
Does anyone have some recommendations about learning how to negotiate scenes? Books you've read or personal advice, etc.?

I want to learn some different ways to talk about what I want, and to open up a dialogue about desire with my partner(s).

Thanks.
11/09/2010
  • Save Extra 50% On Sexobot Attachment
  • Upgrade Your Hands-Free Play!
  • Save 70% On Selected Items. Limited Quantity
  • Complete strap-on set for extra 15% off
  • Save 50% On Shower Nozzle With Enema Set
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Contributor: Mocha98 Mocha98
Quote:
Originally posted by M121212
Does anyone have some recommendations about learning how to negotiate scenes? Books you've read or personal advice, etc.?

I want to learn some different ways to talk about what I want, and to open up a dialogue about desire with my ... more
I can tell you to look into your local community. It is important to get to know them thru people that know them. I hope that makes sense!
11/09/2010
Contributor: Avant-garde Avant-garde
In school I took a negotiation and mediation course, maybe you can do a course too.
11/09/2010
Contributor: TboyTy TboyTy
Mocha98 had a good suggestion of looking to the community for references, and they can probably offer good advise as to how to negotiate scenes as well.

Some of the most common parts of scene negotiation include: Safeword, Hard limits, Soft limits, What you are both looking to get out of the scene, Allergies (latex, certain leather care products etc) Blood born pathogens, STD's and last test date if there is to be sexual contact, Illness in general, Physical limitations, Past injuries that could be aggravated, Safety precautions, What you both need for aftercare... the list goes on and changes depending on what type of play you are getting into.

It may all seem a bit much upfront but I was taught early on an unforgettable lesson in the value of negotiation. It's better to deal with potential "over negotiation" than the potentially devastating alternative.
02/05/2011
Contributor: Cadence Rayne Cadence Rayne
For a brand new person, negotiating can be very difficult - everything is new, so you don't necessarily know your likes and your dislikes. Even if you aren't new, those likes and dislikes can change over time.

I have found that completing a BDSM checklist (a quick google search will turn up LOTS to choose from) and use that as your launching board. The ones that are better are ones that allow you to rate your "interest" in something not just whether you like it or not - because, frankly many of those answers will end up being "I don't know!"

It's always good to get play references in your local community, but don't just ask anyone - look to the event organizers, munch leaders, etc!

Also, many don't do it, but don't forget to negotiate after care - you might not know what you will need after a scene but if you do, it's important that all parties involved are aware of those needs! Seems to be one of the most forgotten areas of negotiation.

We were fortunate, and one of our very first munches has a discussion topic every month - the first time we went, they were discussing negotiation! Also, my very first scene was with someone who was VERY thorough in negotiations - even to include negotiations with my partner!
02/16/2011