The New Intimacy

Can't orgasm with my partner :(

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Contributor: Dusk Dusk
I've been having the strangest problem with my latest partner. I'm just fine masturbating on my own and bringing myself to a clitoral orgasm, but I'm failing at orgasming with manual stimulation from my partner. My clit ends up being super sensitive, and when he tries getting me off with his fingers my body goes into super self defense mode when I'm close! I have this really strong desire to make him stop, I usually end up kicking him off of me and crying.

Any suggestions on how to get past this? It really sucks since I want to orgasm, but apparently my body isn't with me on this. ><;
07/26/2010
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Contributor: Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by Dusk
I've been having the strangest problem with my latest partner. I'm just fine masturbating on my own and bringing myself to a clitoral orgasm, but I'm failing at orgasming with manual stimulation from my partner. My clit ends up being ... more
How are you bringing yourself to orgasm when you're on your own? Are you using toys? I find that if I use too much intense vibrations on my clit I'm too sensitive to my husband's touch and I have a hard time orgasming from oral or manual stimulation. I have found that only using super intense vibrations on my clit every now and then helps it from getting too sensitive.

Also, he may need to learn to back off a bit when you get close. Like a tease almost. Sometimes too much pressure or too rapid of movement can cause me to not be able to orgasm for the same reasons you're talking about. I find that it has to be a mix of light and heavy to get it done. If you want him to stop or back off let him know. Like I would say "easy" or something like that and he would know to ease up. After a while he got used to the body language and knowing when he needed to back off on his own. But, until he is familiar with what you need he might just think he needs to try harder...which can just make the issue worse.

Another thing, maybe have him play with a little bullet vibe with you. This way it's his use of it that's getting you off but it's a little extra to get you there.
07/26/2010
Contributor: kck kck
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
How are you bringing yourself to orgasm when you're on your own? Are you using toys? I find that if I use too much intense vibrations on my clit I'm too sensitive to my husband's touch and I have a hard time orgasming from oral or ... more
This is very good advice. Especially the bits about possibly having desensitized yourself and the magicalness that is teasing to orgasm.

I'd like to add that the expectation to reach orgasm (peer pressure to cum, if you will) may be affecting your ability to climax. If this is a "new" partner, maybe you're just not all that comfortable with him yet. Don't feel bad about your having held back; just relax. Introducing a bullet vibe to your sex may also help
07/26/2010
Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quote:
Originally posted by Dusk
I've been having the strangest problem with my latest partner. I'm just fine masturbating on my own and bringing myself to a clitoral orgasm, but I'm failing at orgasming with manual stimulation from my partner. My clit ends up being ... more
You might try leaving your underwear on and having him stimulate you through the layers of fabric which may lessen the sensation – but, I get the sense that this is not just physically uncomfortable but emotionally uncomfortable as well?

The response you describe seem to indicate either you are actually in physical pain when he stimulates you (in which case, see your Dr. ASAP) or you are experiencing mental trauma when he touches you. If this is an emotional reaction and you are unclear as to what might be the cause, I suggest seeking out some professional help from a therapist who specializes in sexual issues.

Sometimes a new partner can, for whatever reason, trigger a response to past traumatic experiences and a therapist can help you explore what the underlying cause might be or how to approach getting past it.

Best of luck!
07/27/2010
Contributor: Dusk Dusk
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
How are you bringing yourself to orgasm when you're on your own? Are you using toys? I find that if I use too much intense vibrations on my clit I'm too sensitive to my husband's touch and I have a hard time orgasming from oral or ... more
Thanks for the suggestions! I actually don't use toys because I haven't yet found any that work for me, but I'm planning on trying them out again sometime soon.
07/28/2010
Contributor: CamelliaGirl CamelliaGirl
I've had the same problem with penetration--getting so close to coming and then having to stop. I plan on next time flipping over into missionary (if I'm not already in it) and powering through. Maybe let him hold your legs down and see how it works? My ex girlfriend could only let me go down on her long enough for her to come if I tied her down and lay on her legs. She would get anxious, anxious, anxious, and then COME. (I wasn't assaulting her--she specifically requested it the tying.)
12/18/2012