Feeling inadequate. Male with sex woes.

I am a male in my late twenties. My past few girlfriends I have been able to please through sexual intercourse without them "having to do the work."....my current girlfriend and *fingers crossed* hopefully future wife I am not so lucky.

The reason I am posting here is because I am insanely in love with my girlfriend, she is the one and I plan to propose. And I want to be able to please her and be the lover of her dreams. But I feel I am failing....Shes never complained and I've asked her several times but she dismisses the topic and says "everything is fine, you're great." But i don't feel that way...I feel like shit..worthless in fact.

Simply put I am having difficulty bringing her to climax through sex. I can go down on her and get her to come without issue, she can get on top of me and get it herself but I am starting to feel inadequate.

I have tried doggy style, missionary, spooning, her on her side and me on my knees as some kind of missionary/doggy style concoction. But alas we always have to resort to her getting on top....or I eventually come myself and she says don't worry about it.

I don't think my past girlfriends have been faking it, (100% positive on some), so I don't doubt myself being capable of making it happen to some degree. Nor has there ever been a negative comment about my penis size.

Is my girlfriend just very difficult to get off?
Am I not arousing her enough (There is foreplay but do I need more? I do go down on her.)
Am I out of shape? (6ft, 194lbs, Been a year since I hit the gym)
Is there a better position????

I've tried all kinds of thrusting techniques and speeds. Doing everything I can to go as long as I can. At one point I tried so hard I thought I was going to have a heart attack or break my dick off.

I've been reading websites, books, magazines...I need some female help... I am losing my mind and in fear of losing someone I love terribly because they will grow tired of my ineptitude. She is into the sex and always seems to enjoy herself but when it comes to orgasm...unless she gets it herself or I go down on her....it's not happening.

Tell me what to do. less

Thank you all for the tips and advice, I will try the clitoral stimulation. I've done it before...can't remember the feedback. I am not sure how she would feel about a toy but I will ask! We're moving in together this month so we'll have plenty of time to try.

Trying to work on the communication without beating the topic like a dead horse or making it uncomfortable.

Perhaps maybe I am making this a bigger issue that necessary.....idk.....

I really appreciate the responses. less

That's a tough one man. Penetration just may not be her thing. Keep trying to talk to her about it, but don't worry yourself or her too much about it. She might be self conscious about not being able to orgasm for you.

My girlfriend's favorite position is with me on top and her legs up over my shoulders. It's a good position for deeper penetration. You can also work on using one hand to stimulate her clitoris during penetration if that's what she needs. Keep working on it, you'll figure something out. less

Another aspect to consider is that if she feels like you're just waiting and waiting for her to get off - if she feels pressure - she may never be able to climax. I absolutely HATE it when guys ask "Did you come?" I will from that point on feel pressure.

If she says you're great, believe her and relax. She may be like me and just wants to do the things that feel great without worrying about whether she actually comes or not.

Some women have such a hard time climaxing with men, orally or vaginally, that you're just not going to be happy if you make that as your success criteria. less

What every body else said hit it on the head. (Pun intended.)

In most studies and surveys about 95% of women do not orgasm through intercourse alone. I know I only orgasm through intercourse if I have already come, and My Man used to be able to get me off with oral sex (that was our "thing" and still is) but my body changed and now I have to have a vibrator, or I simply don't come. He gets me about 99% of the way there, orally, but then, like some women, the vibe has to do the rest of it. Without the oral, forget it, nothing will happen for me. We use the vibe in the middle and then go back to what we were doing before. Nothing is better than his going down just as I start to come from the vibrator. He can keep it going for more than 5 minutes, by performing oral sex after I start to come and nothing is as good as that.

"Doing the work" is part of the FUN. My Man LOVES giving me head and learning to enjoy it and knowing you have a good way to help your woman find her orgasm is great! (I like the term "help a woman find her orgasm" rather than "make her come" because then if she doesn't.....)

You have a FANTASTIC WAY to help your woman find her way to orgasm. USE IT!

I don't know how old your woman is, but as many women get older they become multi orgasmic. My first orgasm is a bitch, (I mean to get to, it feels great. It's just difficult to get to some of the time.) but after that ANYTHING (including giving him head) will help me find more orgasms. So, look forward (but don't push) to the future when mulitorgasmic times may be ahead.

In the meantime, be thankful something works for her. Oral sex is amazing, it;s our favorite thing, ever. My Man and I have been together for more than 20 years, and sometimes we don't even have PIV intercourse, we get so involved in the oral sex. It's our "Thing" and we run with it. (Even if a super powered vibrator-massager has to be part of the process at one point in the session.) Be glad she is having orgasms, and celebrate them.

ENJOY HER! less

Another aspect to consider is that if she feels like you're just waiting and waiting for her to get off - if she feels pressure - she may never be able to climax. I absolutely HATE it when guys ask "Did you come?" I will from that point on feel pressure.

If she says you're great, believe her and relax. She may be like me and just wants to do the things that feel great without worrying about whether she actually comes or not.

Some women have such a hard time climaxing with men, orally or vaginally, that you're just not going to be happy if you make that as your success criteria. less

Its not you, its her. Her way to orgasm is different than roads you may have travelled before, and thats not something to worry about. As everyone else has said, it can be difficult for a lot of women to reach orgasm without clitoral stimulation. Regardless, there's very little you can do to change how her body creates orgasms.

While you are focusing on things you could be changing, it could well be a case of her not knowing or being comfortable with your taking the initiative. She may honestly not see a problem in having orgasm during sex. She may be apprehensive to talk about it, or not be at a point in her life/relationship with you that she even wants to deal with it. I, myself, hardly orgasm during sex but that is at the VERY bottom of my concerns. Intimacy and fun are at the top--that we both enjoyed eachother and ourselves, feel close, giggled, whatever we like to do that makes sex worthwhile.

There are two different approaches to good sex. One is shaped like stairs, and imagine orgasm at the top and all the steps below it are those preconceived ideas of what you need to do in order to reach it. Lets say the steps lead up with: kissing, touching, foreplay, oral, penetrative sex, orgasm. The problem with this approach is that if you never reach the top, you feel like the time has been wasted or you are doing something wrong. But what about all the other steps? Weren't they just as important? Putting pressure on yourself or your partner to reach orgasm starts to take away the fun of it. If it isn't going to happen naturally, it probably isn't going to happen (unless you are into forced orgasm, but thats definitely meant for another thread). The other approach to good sex is shaped like a circle. All around the circle, you can include anything you like: kissing, anal, toys, bondage, cuddling, spooning, wacky positions, slapping--really, the options are endless (and meant to be tailored to you!). The idea with this approach is that you can start wherever you'd like, do whatever you'd like, and any way you go at it, it counts as good sex. Orgasm is just another option on the circle; it isn't required in order to be called good sex.

I know how frustrating it can be to be in this kind of position. I'm sure she appreciates that you want to get her off just as much as you want to, but try to back up a little bit and let her drive the car. As long as she knows that you are willing to help, eager to get her there and patient to make sure she enjoys it along the way, she will come around. And if she keeps telling you its not a problem... at some point, you're just going to have to listen to her.

Crossed fingers! less