What are your thoughts on a partner who refuses to perform oral sex?

Contributor: Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by mjtheprincess
I've been with two guys who didn't like giving oral sex. Two. Outta...I have no clue. Most of them love it. They love the smell, the taste, all of it (which is wayyy more fun!). My momma always told me if a guy doesn't like going down on ... more
Your MOM told you this??? Oh wow. GREAT MOM!!!!!
10/08/2012
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
My partner and I have been together for about 4 years and only recently has it really started to bother me that he does not perform oral sex on me. I perform oral sex quite often on him, I really enjoy it, and he's never had to ask, to be honest ... more
I have a partner that had much the same issues as yours does. He was intimidated by the thought of performing oral sex, the different smells were overpowering for him...not because they were bad but because they were POWERFUL. They made him feel things he was unready to feel and he needed LOTS of time to get over his aversion. For some men the feeling of touching a woman makes them feel powerfully aggressive or the opposite and it makes them feel powerfully submissive. These feelings can be mixed up with the smell and texture of the fluids to a point where the poor guy just wants to avoid all mention of the act.

Now if he truly doesn't like touching or tasting a woman there may be more going on here and perhaps some counselling might be in order. Let's face it sex is wet and messy and some people just have to kind of get over their desire for it to remain dry and sanitary!

I do NOT recommend leaving him, but I do recommend some real conversations and possibly some couples counselling. You should WANT to touch your partner and touching is one of the best ways we have as humans to help us bond.

It is worth it to work on this Bex, my guy is one of the best lovers I have ever had even if he really needs me to be just out of the shower clean! He loves to wash me and "prepare" me for his pleasure and it has become a sort of foreplay between us. We spent a few years getting to this point, though, so don't give up. Do ask him what about your body that he finds problematic and see if there's some way to overcome the problems. For us it was some really good tasting flavored love gel ( I recommend the System Jo water based lubes). A water based lube can feel like a woman's secretions and he can let it play on his hands getting used to the feel without the heady womanly aroma. Besides it'll actually be goopier than a woman so he'll actually get relief playing with you!
Associating the taste of you with a favorite flavor doesn't mean you are AWFUL smelling or tasting, it just takes the pressure off and allows him to explore you in a less threatening way.

Also invest in some really great massage oils/lotions and ask him to rub you down. It will help you bond and he can show how much he loves you through touch. If he is unwilling even to do this then I would seriously suggest some counselling.

I wish you both the very best, and I'm here if you just need someone to vent to!
10/08/2012
Contributor: kkizzee05 kkizzee05
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
My partner and I have been together for about 4 years and only recently has it really started to bother me that he does not perform oral sex on me. I perform oral sex quite often on him, I really enjoy it, and he's never had to ask, to be honest ... more
Well, I too have the problem with getting really wet, but my boyfriend has the opposite reaction, but my last boyfriend use to tell me how disgusting women's genitals are and how gross I was so I understand the feeling of being ashamed.
10/08/2012
Contributor: Supervixen Supervixen
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Not a whole lot of sex-positivity running through this thread, I'm kind of shocked at some of the reactions so far.

Not wanting to go down on a chick doesn't make someone a pussy, nor does it automatically make them suspect to being ... more
Yeah, maybe. But he needs to communicate that to his girlfriend of four years if that is the problem instead of letting her suffer body image issues, insecurities, frustration and dissatisfaction. If you have a hang up that prevents you from being a good partner to your lover, then you need to get that taken care of before you inflict your issues on someone else. I subscribe to the Dan Savage view of partners refusing to give something as basic as oral sex in a relationship where it clearly is important to the other person--save yourself from the long, drawn out, painful disaster of a relationship, end it, and find someone who will satisfy your needs. That's it. It's not easy, especially in a long term relationship, but if all other avenues have failed, then maybe it's time to move one.

Sorry Stormy, you might think I'm being "sex negative," but I'm only being honest about what MY thoughts are regarding the situation. I can't stand selfish lovers, and I have little sympathy for people who treat their partner like they are disgusting because of how their body functions. And a man who won't finger his girlfriend, wont't go down on her, thinks her arousal is gross, and has to be begged to receive head from her, could very well be in the closet. Just like the possibilities you listed, I said MAYBE that's a possibility, not "that must mean he's gay!" I dated a guy who, not too surprisingly in retrospect, came out as gay after our relationship ended, and there were plenty of signs--I was too concerned with not stereotyping him to be honest with myself about it. It's too bad I didn't face the facts sooner; I could have saved myself a lot of grief.

I'm sorry if my language is harsh, but I feel strongly about this. He either needs to man up and talk openly with her about his hang-ups so they can see if some agreement can be worked towards, or they need to go their separate ways.
10/08/2012
Contributor: Sirena Sirena
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I have a partner that had much the same issues as yours does. He was intimidated by the thought of performing oral sex, the different smells were overpowering for him...not because they were bad but because they were POWERFUL. They made him feel ... more
Beautifully put.
10/08/2012
Contributor: tami tami
OH no!!!! If he does not go down he does not get down......It ain't gonna happen for him if it does not happen for me. maybe you guys could try using flavored lubes....maybe he would be willing if you were straight outta the shower and he new there were few germs...the most important thing is to communicate with him and let him no you wanna grab him by the ears and guide him home. Tell him you would love for him to do this for you.
10/08/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Supervixen
Yeah, maybe. But he needs to communicate that to his girlfriend of four years if that is the problem instead of letting her suffer body image issues, insecurities, frustration and dissatisfaction. If you have a hang up that prevents you from being a ... more
Just sayin' that may be how you would handle it but that may not be the best way for her to handle it. I think we all have different approaches and I'm willing to bet dollars to donuts there is an issue of inexperience here, not an outright disgust.

She has just as much responsibility to ask for the things she wants in this relationship and to stress the importance of being mutually satisfied. Communication issues are never a one-way street.
10/08/2012
Contributor: magicmaxx Mr.Mrs magicmaxx Mr.Mrs
I do not understand this I love performing oral sex with my wife I enjoy everything about licking my wifes pussy the taste the smell and the wetter the better maybe you need to find another man like me someone who really enjoys giving a women oral pleasure
10/08/2012
Contributor: Supervixen Supervixen
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Just sayin' that may be how you would handle it but that may not be the best way for her to handle it. I think we all have different approaches and I'm willing to bet dollars to donuts there is an issue of inexperience here, not an outright ... more
Certainly--communicati on can't, by definition pretty much, involve only one person. It sounds like she's vocalized her issues, but he's not willing to say what the deal is. It's time for him to be a grown up and actually talk to his girlfriend.

This situation seems to happen all too often, which is what this sounds like to me: One partner refuses to do something reasonable within a relationship, and despite the repeated indications that the other person is unhappy, the unwilling partner takes the other for granted, and just assumes that they'll put up with their behavior, because hey! They've been together for years after all, right? She wouldn't leave over something like this, because if she were really unhappy, she would have left by now!

Of course, meanwhile, she doesn't leave because, hey! They've been together for years after all, right? She wouldn't leave over something like this--because she loves him, and that's all that matters. Meanwhile, she sits around feeling bad about herself, both trying to convince herself that she's being selfish and feeling guilty for it, and to simultaneously convince herself that she's being reasonable, and where the hell does he get off thinking she'll just put up with no oral sex and no manual stimulation for the rest of her life if she's to be with him? Because of the conflicted feelings, she isn't insistent enough, doesn't stand her ground and tell him either he satisfy her like she deserves or she'll find someone who will, and that only reinforces his belief that it's not that big of a deal, or at least not a deal breaker, so he doesn't need to change anything on his end.

And perhaps that is due to inexperience, like you suggest. If they're only 20, and have been together since the age of 16, I think it's all the more reason to consider finding someone else, gaining new experiences, and not settling for someone who won't satisfy his partner for some mysterious, undisclosed issue that he has with the female anatomy and female sexuality. She's 20. She should be having experiences, not limiting herself to this one guy who won't even touch her woefully neglected clit. She should be with, as everyone should, somebody who will revel in her sexuality, celebrate it with her, and care deeply about her pleasure and her satisfaction. If he can become that person, great. If he's not willing to be that person, then he doesn't deserve her.
10/08/2012
Contributor: mr115393 mr115393
If you are giving it, then they should be willing to give it. I have been with a girl who just never wanted to reciprocate in any way, including oral, and that really starts to sting after a while. You should push for it if it's something you really want. And if he doesn't have to go down on you, maybe you just don't have to go down on him.
10/08/2012
Contributor: Bex1331 Bex1331
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Not a whole lot of sex-positivity running through this thread, I'm kind of shocked at some of the reactions so far.

Not wanting to go down on a chick doesn't make someone a pussy, nor does it automatically make them suspect to being ... more
Loving this post, it might have a lot to do with his insecurities, plus he did have a negative experience in the past that might influence it.
10/09/2012
Contributor: Bex1331 Bex1331
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I have a partner that had much the same issues as yours does. He was intimidated by the thought of performing oral sex, the different smells were overpowering for him...not because they were bad but because they were POWERFUL. They made him feel ... more
Thank yyou so much for this, it was very helpful! He actually hates the feel of lube too, we have the System Jo, I'm going on a hunt to find one he doesn't mind right now. I'm trying to talk to him about finding someone to council us because I think he really needs to talk to someone, every time we sit down to "talk" I wind up doing all the talking so I hope that in an environment like that he'd be more talkative. He's been receptive to the idea so far it's just a matter of finding someone that we can afford.
10/09/2012
Contributor: konicaguy konicaguy
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
My partner and I have been together for about 4 years and only recently has it really started to bother me that he does not perform oral sex on me. I perform oral sex quite often on him, I really enjoy it, and he's never had to ask, to be honest ... more
My wife wouldn't give me oral for years, but that never stopped me. When she finally did, it was a little trying on her, but we just worked at it a little at a time, and now she is fine with oral on me. I don't know if I could have gone on without reciprocation, though...
10/09/2012
Contributor: CaliGirl CaliGirl
I'm very sexual so if a guy won't I really wonder about him...lol.
10/18/2012
Contributor: MR Chickhabit MR Chickhabit
damn, four years?

i was coming here to tell you to ger a new partner.

maybe take up S&M and replace oral with something else?
10/18/2012
Contributor: heather-mooney heather-mooney
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
My partner and I have been together for about 4 years and only recently has it really started to bother me that he does not perform oral sex on me. I perform oral sex quite often on him, I really enjoy it, and he's never had to ask, to be honest ... more
What an asshole!
10/26/2012
Contributor: ghent529 ghent529
that is a deal breaker for me.
10/26/2012
Contributor: *Camoprincess* *Camoprincess*
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
My partner and I have been together for about 4 years and only recently has it really started to bother me that he does not perform oral sex on me. I perform oral sex quite often on him, I really enjoy it, and he's never had to ask, to be honest ... more
I know this is a few weeks old but I have been right where you are however I had dated the guy before and he was all about giving oral and did it the first time we were ever together almost four years ago we were together about 4 months that go around but remained friends for 3 years before getting back together. When we first got back together he was all about eating me out then one day he just STOPPED and said he wasn't doing it anymore. Yet he still EXPECTED and DEMANDED for me to give him head all the time even when I didn't want to. I would beg and plead for oral and I even bought a sex game that was of his choice!! I read the rules I WON the game an it was with dice it was to perform a sex act of my choosing so yes I chose to receive oral, he backed out!!! An told me I needed to choose something else or roll again. Needless to say in the year we were together I think I received oral MAYBE 3-4 times but he got it all the time even when I didn't want to. I am not sure why my now ex decided he was against having oral with me. Even right out of the shower he wouldn't do it, I use baby wipes every time I go to the bathroom I am a very clean person. I am not sure why he just stopped I enjoyed it a lot.

I really don't have any advice but I can sympathize with you and can honestly say I know exactly how you are feeling and I hope that you and your partner can overcome this!!


10/26/2012
Contributor: Girly Juice Girly Juice
I wouldn't stay in that kind of relationship, because a) I need oral to have a satisfying sex life and b) not wanting to give oral is a sign of selfishness and sex-negativity.
10/27/2012
Contributor: apryls apryls
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
My partner and I have been together for about 4 years and only recently has it really started to bother me that he does not perform oral sex on me. I perform oral sex quite often on him, I really enjoy it, and he's never had to ask, to be honest ... more
Some women get very wet, some even squirt. Now some men just don't understand what it is. But once you tell them and explain that it's because they are doing a good job most of the time they really get turned on by it.
Now on the flip side of things there are those guys that just don't like to give, but love to recieve. Personally I think a relationship is both give and take on both sides. What is good for the goose is good for gander right?
10/27/2012
Contributor: goo goo
It's perfectly normal to not like oral. I have met people who won't do oral but anal yes. Not really sure about that one though. My partner did not want to at first and then suddenly started. Now we give oral to each other on a regular basis.
10/29/2012
Contributor: edeneve edeneve
sounds like you're just not compatible sexually
10/29/2012
Contributor: LoooveMonkey LoooveMonkey
No, no, no!! I wouldn't put up with that crap at all. I'd be out of there. Guys who are selfish enough not to want to pleasure ladies don't deserve to be pleasured themselves. I agree with SV. He's a jerk. You should never be made to feel ashamed of something that tons of people in their right minds would absolutely love, Bex. You should never have to beg someone to love your body. I hope that even if you stay with him, you at least know and remember that. There's nothing wrong with you.
10/29/2012
Contributor: The Majikat The Majikat
I could be with someone who didnt love my body in that way. I dont really know what to say. I hope your happy and find a way to work things out.
10/30/2012
Contributor: shnsmth6 shnsmth6
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
My partner and I have been together for about 4 years and only recently has it really started to bother me that he does not perform oral sex on me. I perform oral sex quite often on him, I really enjoy it, and he's never had to ask, to be honest ... more
no fun
02/27/2013
Contributor: Qozt Qozt
No one is obligated to perform oral if they don't want to, but I wouldn't tolerate it tbh.
02/27/2013
Contributor: Raymaker Raymaker
It's probably not a dealbreaker for me, but I wouldn't be thrilled. If my partner expected it back and wouldn't return the favor though, that's just selfish, and that wouldn't fly with me.
02/27/2013
Contributor: rdg320 rdg320
when i was 41 i went with a woman who was 22....she loved having her pussy eaten but wouldnt go near my cock with her mouth....said it was because of her abusive husband but the night we met she had sex with him so she could stay in the house till i got there.....again...love d having me eat her pussy...no way she would suck cock....but she made a big deal of me wiping the head of my penis after i peed which i didnt get since she wasnt gonna suck it.....that relationship didnt last very long
09/07/2018
Contributor: frisky069 frisky069
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
My partner and I have been together for about 4 years and only recently has it really started to bother me that he does not perform oral sex on me. I perform oral sex quite often on him, I really enjoy it, and he's never had to ask, to be honest ... more
I would be rather disappointed if my partner didnt perform oral on me.
10/29/2019
Contributor: Tuggie Tuggie
There's only one explanation and this is coming from a male. I think he's gay. Just kidding but he's one lucky guy don't let it get to you there's nothing wrong with you everybody's different. But I say if you want it then take it. Get him aroused grab him by the back of the head and push his face in it. I don't know any guy that doesn't like eating maybe he needs a little domination motivation
09/19/2021