The New Intimacy

Is a married couple obligated to have sex?

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Contributor: ToyGurl ToyGurl
I was at a client's home the other day, and as I was setting up my presentation, she was in the kitchen on the phone. I didn't mean to listen in, but I couldn't help up overhear. She was talking to someone she knows well (probably a best friend) and complaining because she said she wasn't ready to give her virginity to her husband. I could hear the girl on the other line literally yell "You're married! You've been married for almost a year!" and my client kept insisting that just because someone is married, it doesn't entitle them to any type of duty to have sex to please the other partner.

Can anyone explain their feelings on this topic? Do you feel that sex is a duty of the man to the wife? (I'm not talking about people who are dating, or just casually having sex. I mean MARRIAGE ONLY). This is such an interesting topic, because ever since I was of age to talk about sex, I was told that it was my duty as a wife to please my husband. Of course it's no issue for me... I love making love. But I couldn't help but put myself in her shoes and wonder what it's like feeling that way. What would keep someone from having sex with their husband/wife!
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
wetone123 , mama2007 , P'Gell , Bignuf , Hallmar82 , unfulfilled , Beck , domsub1993 , Redboxbaby , slynch , ZenaidaMacroura , gehuwd , married with children , Misfit Momma , BeautifulDarkness , Yoda , Silverdrop , Tefca , jennifur77 , Noelle , lacybutton , michael scofield , Incendiaire , xilliannax , minstrel69
25
ToyGurl , wetone123 , DeliciousSurprise , mama2007 , LilLostLenore , Rossie , - Kira - , ily , P'Gell , Bignuf , Hallmar82 , unfulfilled , Jaimes , Coralbell , Nora , Ryuson , Beck , TheBadHobbit , domsub1993 , Darling Jen , padmeamidala , Ciao. , Wildchild , Redboxbaby , big b , Eucaly , caligaliber , Lucky21 , Yaoi Pervette (deleted) , Starkiller87 , averageguyextrodinarypleasure , The Mother of a SiNner , Sensual husband , NaughtyButterfly , Orion , Wild Orchid , slynch , Airen Wolf , ZenaidaMacroura , aliceinthehole , A Closet Slut (aka nipplepeople) , InNeedOfABuzzzz , hyacinthgirl , ellejay , gehuwd , teenagexrecoil , married with children , Shellz31 , Sex'и'Violence , leatherlover , Lucidity , dhig , TameTemptress , Misfit Momma , BeautifulDarkness , Diabolical Kitty , Yoda , Illumin8 , rdytogo , l'amour , socceras , Lummox , darthkitt3n , potstickers , poetprincess , jedent , PassionateLover2 , SiNn , Chirple , eeep , Ms. Spice , Silverdrop , Tefca , *HisMrs* , Cherrylane , OroNomi , sexydelphia , JackRaiden , cburger , NarcissisticLust , switzerland , xlustlovex , gsfanatic , FriskyInFlorida , bayosgirl , SimpleHedonist , Gone (LD29) , Undecided , pootpootpoot , ghalik , Noelle , SecretKinksters , redstars , mpfm , BlooJay , lacybutton , treefrog88 , CaliGirl , jfuz , woodsdragon , pirata , Incendiaire , 3TLOVER , Itsnotabanana , digit88 , yummyinmytummy , Lildrummrgurl7 , PeaceToTheMiddleEast , sexxxkitten , ghent529 , Trysexual , xilliannax , Missmarc , Ilovelingerie , spiced , minstrel69
116
DeliciousSurprise , mama2007 , LilLostLenore , Rossie , ily , AndroAngel , TheBadHobbit , Darling Jen , Ciao. , indiglo , Lucky21 , NaughtyButterfly , Wild Orchid , Avant-garde , Airen Wolf , Peggi , Ghost , aliceinthehole , Kkay , Rin (aka Nire) , KrazyKandy , Kayla , hyacinthgirl , LikeSunshineDust , Shellz31 , Lucidity , TameTemptress , Diabolical Kitty , carenautilus , socceras , Jon S , potstickers , jedent , Why , SiNn , Chirple , llellsee , SelectZen , Cherrylane , sexydelphia , cburger , switzerland , gsfanatic , FriskyInFlorida , meezerosity , bayosgirl , SimpleHedonist , Gone (LD29) , pootpootpoot , ghalik , AlianneCimorene , pasdechat , BlooJay , Owl , treefrog88 , marshmallow , Anne , Lildrummrgurl7 , Modern^Spank^Anthem , sexxxkitten , Squeaky , Ouroborean , Ilovelingerie , icyqueen , spiced
65
P'Gell , Hallmar82 , Jaimes , Nora , Beck , domsub1993 , Redboxbaby , caligaliber , Starkiller87 , ZenaidaMacroura , aliceinthehole , gehuwd , teenagexrecoil , Sex'и'Violence , leatherlover , Misfit Momma , Ms. Spice , Tefca , OroNomi , switzerland , Noelle , lacybutton , woodsdragon , PeaceToTheMiddleEast , xilliannax , minstrel69
26
AndroAngel , TheBadHobbit , indiglo , Airen Wolf , Peggi , Rin (aka Nire) , catgirl9 , Kayla , Diabolical Kitty , potstickers , PassionateLover2 , Why , Chirple , gsfanatic , bayosgirl , Gone (LD29) , pootpootpoot , ghalik , AlianneCimorene , Owl , Squeaky , icyqueen
22
ToyGurl , wetone123 , DeliciousSurprise , mama2007 , LilLostLenore , Rossie , - Kira - , P'Gell , Bignuf , Hallmar82 , Jaimes , Coralbell , Vanille , Nora , Ryuson , Beck , domsub1993 , Darling Jen , Breas , Redboxbaby , indiglo , Lucky21 , Yaoi Pervette (deleted) , Starkiller87 , averageguyextrodinarypleasure , NaughtyButterfly , slynch , ZenaidaMacroura , aliceinthehole , LikeSunshineDust , teenagexrecoil , Shellz31 , rdytogo , l'amour , socceras , Lummox , darthkitt3n , potstickers , eeep , Ms. Spice , Silverdrop , Tefca , *HisMrs* , Cherrylane , switzerland , FriskyInFlorida , bayosgirl , Gone (LD29) , ghalik , Noelle , BlooJay , Double Analysis , woodsdragon , yummyinmytummy , Lildrummrgurl7 , PeaceToTheMiddleEast , ghent529 , Squeaky , Ilovelingerie , spiced , minstrel69
61
ToyGurl , DeliciousSurprise , LilLostLenore , - Kira - , ily , Nora , Ryuson , AndroAngel , Beck , Ciao. , indiglo , Eucaly , Lucky21 , averageguyextrodinarypleasure , The Mother of a SiNner , Wild Orchid , Avant-garde , Airen Wolf , Peggi , Ghost , aliceinthehole , Rin (aka Nire) , Shellz31 , TameTemptress , Diabolical Kitty , l'amour , carenautilus , socceras , darthkitt3n , potstickers , jedent , SiNn , Chirple , cburger , switzerland , gsfanatic , FriskyInFlorida , bayosgirl , Gone (LD29) , Undecided , pootpootpoot , ghalik , AlianneCimorene , pasdechat , BlooJay , Lildrummrgurl7 , sexxxkitten , Squeaky , Ouroborean , icyqueen , minstrel69
51
ToyGurl , wetone123 , mama2007 , Lucky21 , Sex'и'Violence , Misfit Momma , Illumin8 , socceras , Ms. Spice , Noelle , g- , Trysexual , minstrel69
13
ToyGurl , - Kira - , Jaimes , Coralbell , Nora , Ryuson , AndroAngel , TheBadHobbit , domsub1993 , Darling Jen , Ciao. , indiglo , Eucaly , LaLaLouise , caligaliber , Taylor , Lucky21 , averageguyextrodinarypleasure , The Mother of a SiNner , NaughtyButterfly , Avant-garde , Airen Wolf , Peggi , Ghost , ZenaidaMacroura , aliceinthehole , Rin (aka Nire) , Kayla , LikeSunshineDust , Destri , Shellz31 , Sex'и'Violence , BeautifulDarkness , Diabolical Kitty , rdytogo , l'amour , socceras , Lummox , darthkitt3n , potstickers , jedent , PassionateLover2 , Why , SiNn , Chirple , eeep , Tefca , Cherrylane , OroNomi , JackRaiden , cburger , switzerland , gsfanatic , bayosgirl , SimpleHedonist , Gone (LD29) , Undecided , pootpootpoot , ghalik , redstars , mpfm , BlooJay , Owl , lacybutton , Double Analysis , yummyinmytummy , Lildrummrgurl7 , ghent529 , Squeaky , Ilovelingerie , spiced , minstrel69
72
Gunsmoke , Paladin Fantasys , JaneDoe ToyCollector , Gracie , Silverdrop , switzerland , ghalik , Chilipepper , SecretKinksters , pirata
10
Total votes: 461 (156 voters)
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10/04/2011
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Contributor: wetone123 wetone123
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard! After a year of marriage with no sex, I bet he's having sex elsewhere! I know I would!
10/04/2011
Contributor: ToyGurl ToyGurl
Ugh I meant to choose different answers. I meant to say that it is a woman's duty to please her husband, as he should please her. My bad! Idk what is up with my browser...

And I know, it is totally crazy.
10/04/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
It could definitely be a red flag that something isn't right, but without the specifics of why she hasn't done so at this point I don't think it's really fair to judge her situation. There could be any number of things that's holding her back.
10/04/2011
Contributor: wetone123 wetone123
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
It could definitely be a red flag that something isn't right, but without the specifics of why she hasn't done so at this point I don't think it's really fair to judge her situation. There could be any number of things that's holding her back.
YA, he might be hung like the Hulk!! HEH heh!!
10/04/2011
Contributor: mama2007 mama2007
Quote:
Originally posted by wetone123
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard! After a year of marriage with no sex, I bet he's having sex elsewhere! I know I would!
agreed haha. no point in marrying him if shes STAYING a virgin. hes an idiot lol
10/04/2011
Contributor: - Kira - - Kira -
I don't think anyone should be forced into doing anything they don't want to do. That being said...who goes a year into marriage with no sex?? That doesn't make any sense to me. That guy must be miserable and I would assume likely cheating.
10/04/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
If she wasn't ready to have sex, she shouldn't have gotten married. I certainly wouldn't stay with a partner who wasn't going to have sex with me. That's one of the reasons I feel pre-marital sex is SO important. You need to know what you're getting yourself into.

I don't know if it's just "the wife's duty to please the husband" but is IS both partners duties to please the person they decided to spend their life with.

Yes, of course one can say no to specific acts or not want to have sex once in a while. But, a year and no sex? This woman's husband can actually get an annulment because the marriage was never consummated. It could go badly enough for her that she could actually be sued in a civil suit for misrepresenting herself before the marriage. I wouldn't blame him if he annulled the marriage and sued her. Really.

But, again, if you buy a car without a test drive, you have a good chance of getting a lemon.
10/04/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
It could definitely be a red flag that something isn't right, but without the specifics of why she hasn't done so at this point I don't think it's really fair to judge her situation. There could be any number of things that's holding her back.
Yeah, maybe. But, she should have thought of those things before she probably went hog wild planning a wedding. I mean, one of things you think about while you are planning a wedding is all the sex you're going to get. At least I did, and we were already living together.
10/04/2011
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
Well, I can personally say, sex is an obligation of someone married to me... (and of course I'd be understanding of trauma, and we'd work mutual masturbation or watching together in if physical problems ever surfaced, and my partner would be understanding of same)... but I make that clear upfront.

I can't speak for anybody else, but a marriage without sex would not be acceptable for me. Heck, a *week* without sex of some type wouldn't be acceptable for me...
10/04/2011
Contributor: Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
I was at a client's home the other day, and as I was setting up my presentation, she was in the kitchen on the phone. I didn't mean to listen in, but I couldn't help up overhear. She was talking to someone she knows well (probably a best ... more
There are all kinds of really strange relationships out there, but a sexless marriage is not, in our book, a marriage....it is ROOM MATES, or some other FINANCIAL arrangement. However, if she is "not ready to give up her virginity", exactly WHAT is she "saving it for"? MARRIAGE? Oh...maybe not. This gal needs some serious psychiatric help and her "husband" is either fine with it (for any number of reasons), or as nuts as she is. If it IS a real "marriage" and there is zero sex, and they are BOTH fine with it....well, amazing they found each other, eh??
10/04/2011
Contributor: Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
If she wasn't ready to have sex, she shouldn't have gotten married. I certainly wouldn't stay with a partner who wasn't going to have sex with me. That's one of the reasons I feel pre-marital sex is SO important. You need to know ... more
Neither of us were anywhere near "virgins" when we got hitched, but I DO know people who were....and their love lives are just great, from what they say, anyway (and we know them pretty darned well). Thus, the "test drive the car" thing is really not critical for long term happiness..in or out of the bedroom, and in MANY marriages, it is still "no sex till married" around the world, and they have some pretty LOW divorce rates. Are they all happy marriages? Of course not, but doubtless some are VERY happy...in the bedroom, as well as out.
10/04/2011
Contributor: Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by wetone123
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard! After a year of marriage with no sex, I bet he's having sex elsewhere! I know I would!
Totally agree...or there is something else really strange going on in that house.
10/04/2011
Contributor: Hallmar82 Hallmar82
I've heard of some rare problems like that. Most likely she has some other (probably a traumatic experience) issue at the root of the problem. A psychiatrist or counsellor should be considered to help her through it. Loving your spouse includes wanting them to be happy and showing them as well, and that includes physically too. Sex is very uncomfortable for my wife at times so I try to respect her wishes to avoid making her sore or hurting her. We both love each other to make accommodations and compromises in the bedroom.
10/04/2011
Contributor: Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
well, that's ... different. I typically don't care how people dictate their own lives, but a marriage isn't just a way to say "I love you and I want to be with you forever" but it's also a financial agreement. Married people get a lot of benefits and I gotta agree with Bignuf; it honestly more like a roommate kind of deal with financial benefits involved, which I feel is totally unfair to a large number of people.

If I was the husband, I would get the damned thing annulled; if she wasn't prepared to have sex, she probably shouldn't have gotten married.
10/04/2011
Contributor: unfulfilled unfulfilled
Wow, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard. However, she may need to see a counselor b/c there has to be some underlying issue going on there that we just don't know about.
10/04/2011
Contributor: Coralbell Coralbell
Personally, in a relationship I feel that it is my duty to keep my partner satisfied, and I think that sex is important. But I don't necessarily think everyone has to feel the same way I do. I'm curious what the woman in your story's reasons are.
10/04/2011
Contributor: Nora Nora
Kind of makes you wonder why she got married in the first place! It also makes me wonder about him though...he's either getting it elsewhere or has as little interest in sex as his wife does (in my opinion).

I'm by no means a virgin, but we are currently trying to figure out ways to please each other after I have surgery (huge fibroid, so no poking at the girl parts for about 6 weeks)! I know we will be going nuts after that short time period, I can't imagine how her hubby feels! I would guess he got roped into the marriage thing with the promise of sex though, especially since it is obviously causing enough of an issue for the wife to be talking about it on the phone, with a stranger in the house no less!

Maybe she was hoping you'd overhear and put your 2 cents in, lol.
10/04/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by wetone123
YA, he might be hung like the Hulk!! HEH heh!!
LOL I know you're joking, but it could very well be the truth. I know the first time I saw a penis up close and personal I was all "you wanna put that WHERE?".
10/04/2011
Contributor: AndroAngel AndroAngel
As a Demi, I know what it's like to have no sexual desire for someone and still feel emotional attachment. There are plenty of Aces (asexuals) in relationships and married, without sex. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ASEXUALS!!! This is super freaking important! Sex is good, but sex is not necessary, if two people in a relationship are happy without it, there is no problem. If they're unhappy, then there is a problem and they should seek therapy, but simply being Ace does not make you "WRONG", two Aces getting married is not "Cheating the system". It's two people very much in love who want to spend the rest of their lives together, they just aren't having sex and it's none of anyone's business but their own!

Educate Yourselves
10/04/2011
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
I LIVED in a sexless marriage - I was lied to about his libido, then he told me I was the freak for being obsessed over a 'genital sneeze'. Once I finally accepted that being married to a slobby roommate with a mother fixation was not what I wanted, I booted his ass out. I need sex in my relationships, especially when married.

Any number of reasons could be behind such a situation - they knew what they were getting into and he's waiting for her to be comfortable, they miscommunicated about what each expected out of marriage ...

Just never know. They could be perfectly mature and waiting for a better comfort level (but obviously being pressured) or it could be a totally dysfunctional clusterfuck. I just cannot pass judgement, I only know what I've experienced and what I expect now in my own life.
10/04/2011
Contributor: Beck Beck
First thing I am going to say is it is also a males duty to satisfy his wife, it totally works both ways.

I think that it is ridiculous personally, however not really my place to say anything. Maybe she is scared about doing it. In that case I would have to say it is ok for her to refrain from having sex, until she is ready. If this is her problem then I do think she needs counseling.

I believe a marriage will not last without sex, when everyone is capable of having it(Not when one is too ill or something like this.) This is only going to make the husband frustrated. He is already most likely like "That bitch she won't put out, and we been married a year."
10/04/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Yeah, maybe. But, she should have thought of those things before she probably went hog wild planning a wedding. I mean, one of things you think about while you are planning a wedding is all the sex you're going to get. At least I did, and we were ... more
"At least I did"...right, you did. Sex is not the only reason to get married and it certainly shouldn't be a driving force, either. For all any of us know, it's a marriage of convenience and she could have been talking about having sex with someone who isn't her husband. He could be gay or impotent or not interested in sex at all.

I know it's hard to believe, but there are people who simply don't want to have sex. Ever. In this day and age there are so many different types of marriages that I really think it's incredibly unfair that we're even discussing this woman's relationship without her being able to defend it or herself. Maybe she has vaginismus. Maybe he's too rough with her in other ways and she's scared he'll hurt her in the bedroom...the possibilities are endless.
10/04/2011
Contributor: domsub1993 domsub1993
There is definitely an underlying issue with that poor girl. She definitely needs counseling.
10/04/2011
Contributor: Wildchild Wildchild
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
I was at a client's home the other day, and as I was setting up my presentation, she was in the kitchen on the phone. I didn't mean to listen in, but I couldn't help up overhear. She was talking to someone she knows well (probably a best ... more
Omg! I'm speechless
10/04/2011
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
It's definitely her right to decide when she's having sex. But I have to admit that something's amiss here with her being married for almost a year and still being a virgin... Would you love and marry someone you didn't want to have sex with? I guess only in cases of marrying for benefits or for immigration purposes... But seriously, I wonder why he married her too. Obviously they weren't doing it beforehand and he had to have some idea of what was happening (or NOT happening) when he said 'I do'.

Very strange, indeed... I wouldn't marry someone without having sex with them first. To each their own, I guess.
10/04/2011
Contributor: Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
If she wasn't ready to have sex, she shouldn't have gotten married. I certainly wouldn't stay with a partner who wasn't going to have sex with me. That's one of the reasons I feel pre-marital sex is SO important. You need to know ... more
Again, you took the words right out of my mouth!
10/04/2011
Contributor: big b big b
she wont keep him
10/04/2011
Contributor: JessCee JessCee
This is really weird... I don't want to jump and judge this woman or the dynamic of her marriage... I'm going to think about it and come back. *mental note*
10/04/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
Quote:
Originally posted by AndroAngel
As a Demi, I know what it's like to have no sexual desire for someone and still feel emotional attachment. There are plenty of Aces (asexuals) in relationships and married, without sex. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ASEXUALS!!! This is super ... more
^^^^ THIS!!!

If they're both happy, no one should butt in and judge what they're doing. Even if they aren't happy, it's their business to take care of the situation. While sex is necessary in a relationship for many of us, not everyone is wired the same way. There are people who are asexual, and they don't need a psychiatrist or a counselor.

Would that kind of a marriage work for me? Probably not, no. But is it ok to be married and not have sex? Yes. There are no sex police, and people can do whatever they please in their own homes and relationships.

I do take sex very seriously in my relationship, and I very much feel like I am supposed to care for my man's sexual needs, as he should care for mine. But I do not think everyone must feel the same way I do or something is wrong with them.
10/04/2011