Is a married couple obligated to have sex?

"At least I did"...right, you did. Sex is not the only reason to get married and it certainly shouldn't be a driving force, either. For all any of us know, it's a marriage of convenience and she could have been talking about having sex with someone who isn't her husband. He could be gay or impotent or not interested in sex at all.

I know it's hard to believe, but there are people who simply don't want to have sex. Ever. In this day and age there are so many different types of marriages that I really think it's incredibly unfair that we're even discussing this woman's relationship without her being able to defend it or herself. Maybe she has vaginismus. Maybe he's too rough with her in other ways and she's scared he'll hurt her in the bedroom...the possibilities are endless. less

"At least I did"...right, you did. Sex is not the only reason to get married and it certainly shouldn't be a driving force, either. For all any of us know, it's a marriage of convenience and she could have been talking about having sex with someone who isn't her husband. He could be gay or impotent or not interested in sex at all.

I know it's hard to believe, but there are people who simply don't want to have sex. Ever. In this day and age there are so many different types of marriages that I really think it's incredibly unfair that we're even discussing this woman's relationship without her being able to defend it or herself. Maybe she has vaginismus. Maybe he's too rough with her in other ways and she's scared he'll hurt her in the bedroom...the possibilities are endless. less

As a Demi, I know what it's like to have no sexual desire for someone and still feel emotional attachment. There are plenty of Aces (asexuals) in relationships and married, without sex. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ASEXUALS!!! This is super freaking important! Sex is good, but sex is not necessary, if two people in a relationship are happy without it, there is no problem. If they're unhappy, then there is a problem and they should seek therapy, but simply being Ace does not make you "WRONG", two Aces getting married is not "Cheating the system". It's two people very much in love who want to spend the rest of their lives together, they just aren't having sex and it's none of anyone's business but their own!

Educate Yourselves less

"At least I did"...right, you did. Sex is not the only reason to get married and it certainly shouldn't be a driving force, either. For all any of us know, it's a marriage of convenience and she could have been talking about having sex with someone who isn't her husband. He could be gay or impotent or not interested in sex at all.

I know it's hard to believe, but there are people who simply don't want to have sex. Ever. In this day and age there are so many different types of marriages that I really think it's incredibly unfair that we're even discussing this woman's relationship without her being able to defend it or herself. Maybe she has vaginismus. Maybe he's too rough with her in other ways and she's scared he'll hurt her in the bedroom...the possibilities are endless. less

You're right, it isn't fair to just spring something like this one someone. It's also not fair to be discussing this woman's sex life. You never, ever know what is going on behind closed doors. And there's usually a very good reason for that.

What if, by some really strange stretch of the imagination, she stumbled across this post and realized she was the topic of the discussion? I know if it were me, I would be extremely upset and it would probably hurt me very deeply that a group of strangers were making all of these inferences without ever having a single intimate detail.

You don't know anything about this woman's life and neither does the OP, as stated the woman in question is a client. Not a friend. Nowhere in the original post does it say "please give me advice so I can help her in her marriage". And it shouldn't. Because it isn't any of her business.

I'm backing out of this thread. It's nothing more than gossip and I refuse to be a part of it any longer. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and I have heard you and I'm glad you are able to apply those thoughts and feelings to make your own marriage successful. less

I think we are discussing this as more of a rhetorical theory.

The OP isn't identified, nor is the woman in question. I doubt if this woman exists in this situation, she's trolling sex toy sites for any reason. Nor would she have any reason to link herself to this post. I find it highly unlikely that there would be any link between this person and this site in any way.

Again, it makes for interesting rhetoric. less

Which you know, for a sex positive group of people is kind of silly, no? Of course we're going to say that sex is important in a relationship with the caveat that asexuals are the exception. Still, it's gossip. And you never know who is doing what on the internet. I've certainly run into people in places I never expected. less

No. I think this is an important issue for us to discuss. And to be honest, with 6.2 billion people on the planet and millions of web sites, I have no fear that this particular person would run across this sex web site, identify herself in it, and somehow get upset.

Too many "maybes" and "could bes" to worry about this happening. People discuss a lot of things on this site.

What we do here is discuss things. It's, like I said, rhetorical. I think it's an interesting look into human behavior, personally. less

While some of the people here have very strong opinions on how it would affect them, I feel everyone is being pretty considerate and open to discussion of the the theoretic situation, not the woman herself. If we, as a very open-minded, contemplative, diverse, and welcoming group, can't discuss what part sex plays in a marriage (if at all) then who will? Discussion leads to new ideas, to converting close-mindedness to an open heart, to an appreciation for what we have, to knowledge about ourselves and what it is we seek in our relationships, to what would be ok for others to experience.

A sex positive community is not the antithesis to abstinence. It's being accepting and open to all ownership of one's sexuality, whether there is any activity or not. So for those who are honestly asexual, we should be able to discuss the lifestyle and all come to a better understanding of what it is and if we think it's "heatlhy" or "natural". It's no different than us being supportive of virgins who just haven't found "the one" yet.

I do really like the point that P'Gell brought up though. Is asexuality more of a phobia or chemical imbalance? Is it a defect or an equally acceptable lifestyle like heterosexuality and homosexuality? It's good for us to all weigh and work through the "if, but, when, how" stuff.

I do think it doesn't sound like it's mutual asexuality. If it was, there wouldn't be a third party speaking for the husband's behalf on why she hasn't had sex with him yet. If he were ok with the situation, the third party would be speaking about the two of them equally. And it sounds as though the woman got defensive, suggesting fear or nervousness, rather than a flatline desire for sex that has already been discussed with her partner. less

While some of the people here have very strong opinions on how it would affect them, I feel everyone is being pretty considerate and open to discussion of the the theoretic situation, not the woman herself. If we, as a very open-minded, contemplative, diverse, and welcoming group, can't discuss what part sex plays in a marriage (if at all) then who will? Discussion leads to new ideas, to converting close-mindedness to an open heart, to an appreciation for what we have, to knowledge about ourselves and what it is we seek in our relationships, to what would be ok for others to experience.

A sex positive community is not the antithesis to abstinence. It's being accepting and open to all ownership of one's sexuality, whether there is any activity or not. So for those who are honestly asexual, we should be able to discuss the lifestyle and all come to a better understanding of what it is and if we think it's "heatlhy" or "natural". It's no different than us being supportive of virgins who just haven't found "the one" yet.

I do really like the point that P'Gell brought up though. Is asexuality more of a phobia or chemical imbalance? Is it a defect or an equally acceptable lifestyle like heterosexuality and homosexuality? It's good for us to all weigh and work through the "if, but, when, how" stuff.

I do think it doesn't sound like it's mutual asexuality. If it was, there wouldn't be a third party speaking for the husband's behalf on why she hasn't had sex with him yet. If he were ok with the situation, the third party would be speaking about the two of them equally. And it sounds as though the woman got defensive, suggesting fear or nervousness, rather than a flatline desire for sex that has already been discussed with her partner. less

I was at a client's home the other day, and as I was setting up my presentation, she was in the kitchen on the phone. I didn't mean to listen in, but I couldn't help up overhear. She was talking to someone she knows well (probably a best friend) and complaining because she said she wasn't ready to give her virginity to her husband. I could hear the girl on the other line literally yell "You're married! You've been married for almost a year!" and my client kept insisting that just because someone is married, it doesn't entitle them to any type of duty to have sex to please the other partner.

Can anyone explain their feelings on this topic? Do you feel that sex is a duty of the man to the wife? (I'm not talking about people who are dating, or just casually having sex. I mean MARRIAGE ONLY). This is such an interesting topic, because ever since I was of age to talk about sex, I was told that it was my duty as a wife to please my husband. Of course it's no issue for me... I love making love. But I couldn't help but put myself in her shoes and wonder what it's like feeling that way. What would keep someone from having sex with their husband/wife! less

As a Demi, I know what it's like to have no sexual desire for someone and still feel emotional attachment. There are plenty of Aces (asexuals) in relationships and married, without sex. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ASEXUALS!!! This is super freaking important! Sex is good, but sex is not necessary, if two people in a relationship are happy without it, there is no problem. If they're unhappy, then there is a problem and they should seek therapy, but simply being Ace does not make you "WRONG", two Aces getting married is not "Cheating the system". It's two people very much in love who want to spend the rest of their lives together, they just aren't having sex and it's none of anyone's business but their own!

Educate Yourselves less

On the topic of asexuality in general, I have met two people in my lifetime who describe themselves as asexual. In their particular situations they explained to me that they enjoy the idea of sex but not the physical sensations that come with it. One woman enjoys going to BDSM events and teasing men while reveling in their desire for her. She tells her partners straight up that she does not feel pleasure while engaging in sex and that they are free to do to her what they will, just don't expect her to participate. I.E. and in her own words "she's a dead lay".

Both women enjoy the emotional aspects of relationships and want someone to share their life with, but they are usually rejected as a longterm prospect because of their lack of want for physical intimacy. One woman settled down with another asexual woman. They share their life and financial responsibilities and for all intents and purposes act like a married couple, but without the sex. One might go so far as to call them kindred spirits who've been lucky enough to find one another.

In my opinion, I don't think it's a chemical imbalance or defect at all. It's just who they are. Though I will note that one of the women has severe bi-polar disorder and the other sits somewhere in the middle of the autism spectrum, leaning more towards Aspberger's. Whether one has to do with the other, I'm not qualified to guess. But, I do know that hyper-sexual activity is a symptom of bi-polar disorders and one typically finds themselves making poor sexual decisions instead of abstaining all together. less