The New Intimacy

Help with getting boyfriend more comfortable with sex?

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Contributor: Per Per
I would like some advice on this subject, but I'm not sure how to approach it. Thanks in advance for any help.

I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year. For the past few months, though, he's refused to touch me. We've only had sex a few times before. I brought it up and asked why and these are the reasons he gave me for not wanting to have sex:

1) It's too messy. He's a bit of a neat freak so I guess the bodily fluids gross him out.

2) It's not particularly enjoyable for him. This one's my fault, but I'm not sure how to remedy it. I've tried letting him take charge, taking the lead myself, suggesting a variety of positions/activities.. . He either says no to my suggestions (almost always) or tries it and doesn't get anything out of it. I feel like he's very self-conscious and nervous and I'm not sure how to make him more comfortable.

This is starting to affect our relationship. He said it makes him feel impotent and that he hates making me feel unwanted. I wouldn't mind the lack of sex as much if we made up for it in other ways, but without getting too in-depth about our relationship, I'd like to try to make sex enjoyable for him.

Tl;dr - Boyfriend does not enjoy sex and gets grossed out by it. What can I do to help him be more comfortable?

Thanks for your help. I appreciate it greatly.
12/01/2014
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Contributor: strangebrew strangebrew
Quote:
Originally posted by Per
I would like some advice on this subject, but I'm not sure how to approach it. Thanks in advance for any help.

I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year. For the past few months, though, he's refused to touch me. We've ... more
Per, with respect to the "mess" of sex, I can only say that my gf absolutely hated using her hands for blowjobs because she couldn't stand the saliva all over her hands. She would rather swallow the cum than let it drip down her hand when giving a hand job. She now uses her hand(s) and has gotten over her dislike for it by realizing how much easier it is on her and how much pleasure it can add to the experience. To help get over the "ickyness" of cum on her hand, she purposely gave me a hand job until orgasm and simply watched the cum, with interest and curiosity. Like a kid looking at a caterpillar. It was quite cute.

The bottom line is...my gf WANTED to overcome that dislike of sex mess. I understand it's why a lot of guys don't give their ladies oral for too long. I don't mind the mess at all. Some days I lift my head and have to blow my nose because I've inhaled too much vaginal fluid. If this grosses you out, you're ability to give good oral will suffer.

When your bf's desire to please you becomes greater than his fear of "ick", I think he'll find more joy in sex.

As for it not being enjoyable for him because of something you're doing, it would help to know why you feel it's your fault. It sounds like you're working to make it enjoyable for him and he's shooting you down.

I went through an 18 year marriage with someone who really didn't enjoy sex. Not with me at least. And now I've found someone who loves sex. And loves sex with me. She makes it fun. And we have a lot of it as a result. Life's too short to suffer in the bedroom. If he's unwilling to put some effort into it, consider making a change in relationship status.
01/30/2015
Contributor: RonLee RonLee
Per, your boyfriend very well could be an Asexual individual. If you are OK being in a sexless companionate relationship, then he's the man for you. If not, you may want to seriously consider moving on. Having mismatched sex drive is not really that much fun. As one with a very high sex drive myself, I understand very well.
02/11/2015
Contributor: Good3fellow Good3fellow
Ditto on the possibility of him being somewhere in the Asexual spectrum.
While it is possible for him to have sex it'd be more something he'd do to make you happy rather than for himself.
As an asexual I'm going to second RonLee's comment and say that there's probably going to need to be some sort of change in the nature of the relationship.
If you absolutely want to stay together discuss whether or not you are both willing and able to handle an open relationship (possibly leading to a polyamorous one).
The most important thing is to keep communication open and honest between the two of you.
Even if you decide to go your separate ways as far as dating by being honest with eachother you can end the romance on good terms.
Sorry this got a little lengthy.
03/29/2015