How do you feel about Obligatory Sex?

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How do you feel about Obligatory Sex?

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Contributor: removedacnt removedacnt
Related to: 
Obligatory Sex
On SexIs today Lady J wrote an article about Obligatory Sex. In it she asks "Are there occasions when you owe your partner the obligation to have sex with them?"

Do you think there are?

She also says, "Does that mean if someone is not in the mood he/she should absolutely abstain?"

What are your thoughts?
03/28/2011
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Contributor: Ansley Ansley
I never feel like I owe him sex. If I don't have sex with my husband, I'm the one losing out. Sometimes you just gotta let him stick it in. LOL
03/28/2011
Contributor: Leila Eden Leila Eden
I don't think anyone should ever feel obliged to have sex! I do think that a person might consider offering sex or something like a massage or oral sex when they're not in the mood but their partner is. I think I would grow to resent a partner if I was expected to have sex whether I wanted to or not!
03/28/2011
Contributor: Jessica Elizabeth Jessica Elizabeth
I think it's wrong to force sex, especially if you are not in a D/s situation where there's consensual nonconsent. For non D/s couples obligatory sex, in my opinion, really takes away from the true joy of sex. It can also create resentment against not only the partner, but also sex itself.



I just find that it's wrong, on so many levels and for so many reasons.


I also don't ever want to know what it feels like to have found out that my partner is having sex with me when he didn't really want to. I don't ever want to feel that.
03/28/2011
Contributor: Yoda Yoda
I think couples owe it to each other. If it develops into a power struggle, then I'd say you have a problem.
03/28/2011
Contributor: removedacnt removedacnt
Jessica Elizabeth, I don't think we're talking about "forced" sex. It's more like making someone feel bad to get what you want type sex.

But my personal thoughts are....

There's a give and take in a relationship. Sometimes, you oblige because you love the person, and even if you're not in the mood, you want to please them. But it doesn't mean you HAVE to. Saying "always" or "never" is taking it to extremes and isn't necessary.
03/28/2011
Contributor: Sammi Sammi
I'm almost always in the mood for it, so there's not really a time I feel obligated to. If I'm really sick or something, my husband doesn't ask for it.
03/28/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
I almost always want to have sex. At times, I have had sex, because I know he wants it. If I am ill or not feeling well, then he understands and doesn't make a deal out of it, and I usually watch him jerk off.

But, I KNOW he has had sex with me when he's not completely in the mood. (I can tell, because after I come, and we have some PIV for a while he says he wants to go to sleep, without an orgasm for himself.)

In a long term relationship, sometimes you do things to make your partner happy. Especially, when they really need something.

I don't see it as an obligation. More like making him a sandwich even if I'm not in the mood. It isn't going to kill me, and I will usually end up liking it anyway.
03/28/2011
Contributor: Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
I almost always want to have sex. At times, I have had sex, because I know he wants it. If I am ill or not feeling well, then he understands and doesn't make a deal out of it, and I usually watch him jerk off.



But, I KNOW he has ... more
Yup. Yup. What she said to a tee.

This is true especially when I am on the rag. I need sex to help me feel better. He will give me sex to accomplish that goal. It sometimes feels, in the beginning, obligatory; however, we always end up enjoying each other so it all works out. Turn-a-bout is fair-play and there are times he is wanting it and I am not in the mood, but I will give him what he wants/needs anyway.

Our marriage is one of love, compassion, and companionship. To me, if you enter into a marriage, you are obligated to fulfill the needs of your partner to the best of your ability (and you should want to do so and vice versa) because that shows them you love them and that you want to take care of them. I do not see that in a negative light at all.
03/29/2011
Contributor: Vaccinium Vaccinium
It's not a simple answer. My wife has absolutely no sex drive (her words). She enjoys having sex when we have it, but she makes herself do it. It's a personal struggle with me to balance my sexual needs and desires with the fact that she's frankly not interested. I feel guilty about the fact that she's making herself do it, but I know she's doing it for us.

So, I guess I really don't have a good answer other to say that it is complex and unique situation with each couple.
03/29/2011
Contributor: SexyStuff SexyStuff
Its a balance. Sometimes I go for it to make him happy, other times he doesn't ask to give me a break. Give and take!
03/29/2011
Contributor: Shellz31 Shellz31
In some Dom/sub relationships, it can be that way.

Personally I wouldn't like that. I'm VERY lucky my Master is more interested in pleasuring me rather than demanding me for his own selfish needs.
03/29/2011
Contributor: ImBadULoveIt ImBadULoveIt
Quote:
Originally posted by removedacnt
On SexIs today Lady J wrote an article about Obligatory Sex. In it she asks "Are there occasions when you owe your partner the obligation to have sex with them?"



Do you think there are?



She also says, ... more
I find there are times (few and far between) that I am not really in the mood to have sex and my partner is. I usually oblige, not because I feel that I owe him something but because I know once I get started I will get at least some satisfaction out of it.
03/30/2011
Contributor: sbon sbon
Quote:
Originally posted by removedacnt
Jessica Elizabeth, I don't think we're talking about "forced" sex. It's more like making someone feel bad to get what you want type sex.



But my personal thoughts are....



There's a give and take ... more
That's a bit like saying, "It's not rape-rape." "Making someone feel bad" so that they'll have sex with you is coercion and is not consent.

I do understand what you're trying to say, though. There are give and takes in relationships, but you should always be doing things because you want to. Blowjobs aren't my favorite activity, but I WANT to give them because I like giving my partner that kind of pleasure. But if I don't want to have sex at a particular time, I don't want to and I don't think I owe anyone anything.

I also agree with Jessica. If my boyfriend told me he only had sex with me out of obligation and didn't really want to, I would feel pretty shitty.
03/30/2011
Contributor: PiratePrincess PiratePrincess
Quote:
Originally posted by Vaccinium
It's not a simple answer. My wife has absolutely no sex drive (her words). She enjoys having sex when we have it, but she makes herself do it. It's a personal struggle with me to balance my sexual needs and desires with the fact that ... more
I was like that for a while. It almost ruined our relationship, but only due to the fact that he started expecting me to do it when I wasn't in the mood. He has since changed and our sex life is much stronger.

But there have also been times when I didn't do it on a day when it was expected and he got a little upset, I guess because he viewed it as a guaranteed sex day for him. It goes back and forth with us, but we manage to make it work.
03/30/2011
Contributor: burnbright4me burnbright4me
If I'm not totally in the mood, or if we only have time for a quickie, I go along with it because I know that he'll get an orgasm out of it, and I enjoy fooling around with him even when I'm not as responsive as usual. If nothing else, it's a bit of fun.
03/31/2011
Contributor: Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
I've been in that situation, where I felt sex was expected of me. My partner would act rejected if I said no, and I would feel guilty. It eventually got to the point where I REALLY didn't want to screw most of the time because I hadn't been doing it because I wanted to. When I did, it was really easy to get turned off. Eventually i just started feeling like a prostitute, one that didn't get paid at the end.



I think that if your partner seems at all resistant, you should back off of the subject. If they know you are interested they will approach you if they want to have sex. If it's been a while you should talk about what is going on that might be causing it, but asking every time can be an issue because sometimes people just don't feel like being intimate, and that includes discussion.



You have to be respectful of each other, sometimes you do things when you aren't feeling it because you want to please your partner, but you NEVER do when you just outright DONT want to. There is a difference between not being turned on, and not wanting to have sex.
03/31/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by sbon
That's a bit like saying, "It's not rape-rape." "Making someone feel bad" so that they'll have sex with you is coercion and is not consent.



I do understand what you're trying to say, though. There ... more
Thank you for your response, but I have to take exception with one of your comments.

There are give and takes in relationships, but you should always be doing things because you want to. Well, a LOT of life is "doing things you don't really want to do." Everything from going to work, washing dishes, cleaning the toilet, taking care of children 24/7, changing diapers, nursing with sore nipples, taking care of sick children or sick spouse, running errands for family members who can't do it, or when you have more time than they do, living with other people requires often doing things for other reasons that "only because you want to."

I've been in a relationship for 20+ years, have children and aging parents. I can't imagine simply saying to these people, "No, I'm not going to do that for you. It isn't something I really want to do."

Relationships with other people, in order to thrive REQUIRE often being selfless. I doubt I would still be married or would have been able to handle my kids if I only did thing "because I wanted to."

I have to disagree with your statement "I don't think I owe anyone anything."

In my lifeI DO think I owe a LOT of people a LOT of things. It's part of being a social person and a kind, caring person. I owe My Man, my parents, my friends, my children, people I run into at the store, etc. Being part of Society is give and take and DOING for others. Realizing that makes for better and long lasting relationships.

There's more to life than just pleasing oneself. Of course people who whine when they are told "no" to sex once in a while are a pain in the ass, but I know both My Man and I will often give the other sex, even if not totally "in the mood" because we know it's what the other person NEEDS! (In fact, My Man gave me this kind of sex last night. I really needed it, and he wasn't totally in the mood. Yet he insisted that he be allowed to please me, because he knew I needed it. I wasn't whining and I didn't even ask for it, he just KNEW. That's LOVE. It goes both ways with us.

And, it's not just sex. A lot of the time, My Man "doesn't want" to go to work. Yet, he has a family to support, so he goes, even if he "doesn't feel like it." It's responsibility and service to other people that makes life worth living, IMO. Anyone who likes is free to disagree, though.

Mileage.
03/31/2011
Contributor: Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Thank you for your response, but I have to take exception with one of your comments.



There are give and takes in relationships, but you should always be doing things because you want to. Well, a LOT of life is "doing things you ... more
Amen Sister!
03/31/2011
Contributor: purplekidney purplekidney
Neither of us can stand feeling like we "owe" the other sex and we both have a hard time getting and staying into it if that's the case. We'll usually stop and if one of us can't wait they'll take care of themselves with a little help. Sometimes we just take a break to talk and reconnect and after that we'll both be really turned on.
03/31/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
I almost always want to have sex. At times, I have had sex, because I know he wants it. If I am ill or not feeling well, then he understands and doesn't make a deal out of it, and I usually watch him jerk off.



But, I KNOW he has ... more
I agree 100%. Very true.

I think it's important to be there for each other whenever we can. There are times when I want/need it so bad, if I were to be turned down I'd be crushed and miserable - and I'm sure the same is true for him. You do things for someone you love to make them happy, especially when they need it.
03/31/2011
Contributor: Rose cupcake28 Rose cupcake28
Quote:
Originally posted by removedacnt
On SexIs today Lady J wrote an article about Obligatory Sex. In it she asks "Are there occasions when you owe your partner the obligation to have sex with them?"



Do you think there are?



She also says, ... more
my ex husband would sometimes say to me if you don't sleep with me then i guess i'll have to find someone who will. At the time i believed him and would sleep with him. I hated every moment of it. But now that i left him and i am with someone who is not like that i still have that mind sat about me. So my answer the the question is Hell No!!! if you aren't in the mood then don't do it. They need to respect you and love you even if you are not putting out when they want it. Sex is not an obligation. Sex should be fun and make you and your partner feel good about your two selfs.
03/31/2011
Contributor: BuckeyeGal04 BuckeyeGal04
I think it's terrible to be obligatory with sex. Nothing fun or special about that.
12/01/2011