I almost always want to have sex. At times, I have had sex, because I know he wants it. If I am ill or not feeling well, then he understands and doesn't make a deal out of it, and I usually watch him jerk off.



But, I KNOW he has had sex with me when he's not completely in the mood. (I can tell, because after I come, and we have some PIV for a while he says he wants to go to sleep, without an orgasm for himself.)



In a long term relationship, sometimes you do things to make your partner happy. Especially, when they really need something.



I don't see it as an obligation. More like making him a sandwich even if I'm not in the mood. It isn't going to kill me, and I will usually end up liking it anyway. less

On SexIs today Lady J wrote an article about Obligatory Sex. In it she asks "Are there occasions when you owe your partner the obligation to have sex with them?"



Do you think there are?



She also says, "Does that mean if someone is not in the mood he/she should absolutely abstain?"



What are your thoughts? less

Jessica Elizabeth, I don't think we're talking about "forced" sex. It's more like making someone feel bad to get what you want type sex.



But my personal thoughts are....



There's a give and take in a relationship. Sometimes, you oblige because you love the person, and even if you're not in the mood, you want to please them. But it doesn't mean you HAVE to. Saying "always" or "never" is taking it to extremes and isn't necessary. less

It's not a simple answer. My wife has absolutely no sex drive (her words). She enjoys having sex when we have it, but she makes herself do it. It's a personal struggle with me to balance my sexual needs and desires with the fact that she's frankly not interested. I feel guilty about the fact that she's making herself do it, but I know she's doing it for us.



So, I guess I really don't have a good answer other to say that it is complex and unique situation with each couple. less

That's a bit like saying, "It's not rape-rape." "Making someone feel bad" so that they'll have sex with you is coercion and is not consent.



I do understand what you're trying to say, though. There are give and takes in relationships, but you should always be doing things because you want to. Blowjobs aren't my favorite activity, but I WANT to give them because I like giving my partner that kind of pleasure. But if I don't want to have sex at a particular time, I don't want to and I don't think I owe anyone anything.



I also agree with Jessica. If my boyfriend told me he only had sex with me out of obligation and didn't really want to, I would feel pretty shitty. less

Thank you for your response, but I have to take exception with one of your comments.



There are give and takes in relationships, but you should always be doing things because you want to. Well, a LOT of life is "doing things you don't really want to do." Everything from going to work, washing dishes, cleaning the toilet, taking care of children 24/7, changing diapers, nursing with sore nipples, taking care of sick children or sick spouse, running errands for family members who can't do it, or when you have more time than they do, living with other people requires often doing things for other reasons that "only because you want to."



I've been in a relationship for 20+ years, have children and aging parents. I can't imagine simply saying to these people, "No, I'm not going to do that for you. It isn't something I really want to do."



Relationships with other people, in order to thrive REQUIRE often being selfless. I doubt I would still be married or would have been able to handle my kids if I only did thing "because I wanted to."



I have to disagree with your statement "I don't think I owe anyone anything."



In my lifeI DO think I owe a LOT of people a LOT of things. It's part of being a social person and a kind, caring person. I owe My Man, my parents, my friends, my children, people I run into at the store, etc. Being part of Society is give and take and DOING for others. Realizing that makes for better and long lasting relationships.



There's more to life than just pleasing oneself. Of course people who whine when they are told "no" to sex once in a while are a pain in the ass, but I know both My Man and I will often give the other sex, even if not totally "in the mood" because we know it's what the other person NEEDS! (In fact, My Man gave me this kind of sex last night. I really needed it, and he wasn't totally in the mood. Yet he insisted that he be allowed to please me, because he knew I needed it. I wasn't whining and I didn't even ask for it, he just KNEW. That's LOVE. It goes both ways with us.



And, it's not just sex. A lot of the time, My Man "doesn't want" to go to work. Yet, he has a family to support, so he goes, even if he "doesn't feel like it." It's responsibility and service to other people that makes life worth living, IMO. Anyone who likes is free to disagree, though.



Mileage. less

I almost always want to have sex. At times, I have had sex, because I know he wants it. If I am ill or not feeling well, then he understands and doesn't make a deal out of it, and I usually watch him jerk off.



But, I KNOW he has had sex with me when he's not completely in the mood. (I can tell, because after I come, and we have some PIV for a while he says he wants to go to sleep, without an orgasm for himself.)



In a long term relationship, sometimes you do things to make your partner happy. Especially, when they really need something.



I don't see it as an obligation. More like making him a sandwich even if I'm not in the mood. It isn't going to kill me, and I will usually end up liking it anyway. less