Quote:
Originally posted by
Xarien
I understand what you're saying, but if that person who has no sex drive meets and falls in love with someone that goes into that relationship KNOWING that will be minimal (if at all), is it fair to still call it an obligation?
One can be
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I understand what you're saying, but if that person who has no sex drive meets and falls in love with someone that goes into that relationship KNOWING that will be minimal (if at all), is it fair to still call it an obligation?
One can be intimate without having sex and frankly I don't believe that love is dependent on sex. Simply because YOU wouldn't date someone you couldn't have sex with doesn't mean it should be an obligation for everyone.
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If a person goes into a relationship knowing that the sex is going to be minimal, despite their sex drive being incompatible with that person, or their sexual needs and desires differing drastically, then I'd call that person foolish. Over time it will come back to haunt them. I guarantee it. The sparkle of love tends to fade when you can't be met on the same page as your SO, whether it be sex or other needs.
Love is dependent upon sex for a lot of people, or at least, a significant portion of it is. Romantic love, erotic love, is different from platonic love. Marriage is not the same as an intimate friendship.
And yes, you're right; because I wouldn't date someone I couldn't have sex with (why not just be friends, then?) doesn't mean it's an obligation for everyone--everyone perfectly happy in an asexual or low libido relationship, or open relationship to satisfy the person with a higher libido, is exempt from this obligation. Everyone is entitled to their own misery that they make for themselves, too. But in my opinion, in the opinion of many sex therapists, marriage counselors, psychologists, doctors and people with a pulse in between their legs, sex is important to a functioning relationship for people with normal to high libidos and sexual needs. Sexual intimacy is important and is different from other types of intimacy, important as those other types are in their own right. Denying sex to your spouse is damaging, and if it's an issue, then it usually indicates an underlying incompatibility or issue elsewhere in the relationship that will break down over time. People who are in love with asexual people despite having sexual needs themselves will fall out of love over time, when they're desperate to feel affection and intimacy that they can get nowhere else and from no one else, unless an understanding is met for that to be sought outside of the bounds of marriage. Or they have an affair. Nothing tears your self-esteem down like being in a relationship with a person who isn't desirous of you on a physical level.
Sex is an obligation in a contract like marriage where you sign up for monogamy, not celibacy.
Sometimes long term relationships go through a rough patch, or something happens such as the things mentioned in this thread, like a physical problem or perhaps right after a child is born. Your sex life with probably hit a lull here and there. But that can be remedied with time, counseling, open communication, therapy, etc. And it should be remedied--your spouse is more than your friend. Your spouse is your lover as well. If it's important to them, then it's important to you. If one of you has a problem, then the other one has a problem. That's how I feel about marriage. I've been in an 8 year long monogamous relationship myself, and though we weren't married by contract, for all intents and purposes, you could consider us married. Once he became like my room mate, or an old friend but not a lover, it was over. Once we started looking at sex like a chore, it was over. We hung on for a long time afterwards, but it wasn't good, and the relationship went from stagnant, to explosively destructive.
I don't have rose tinted glasses when it comes to falling in love, personally. So when you say "I do," and you intend to stick with a person for the rest of your life, you should mean it. And you should be intent upon making that other person happy, just as that other person should make you happy. If you waltz into a marriage with someone knowing there is an incompatibility that may not change, including sex, then you're setting yourself up for an unhappy life. Or a divorce. Either way you cut it though, you have a responsibility in maintaining a happy marriage. Hence the obligation, and why people should not marry sexually incompatible partners.
