How do you get past shyness to ask your partner for something new and different?

How do you get past shyness to ask your partner for something new and different?

LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quoted from Sinclair's column on Sexis today:
"Say you’re a sexually liberated, sexually active person. You’re into sex, you read SexIs and you shop at Eden, you know what’s going down. You have a pretty regular sex partner, maybe a girlfriend, maybe a boyfriend, maybe a fuck buddy with whom your boundaries and respect and communication are mutual and working, and you’re both GGG—good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for just about anything.

But, there are a few more things that you’d like to try, but you just can’t get yourself to ask for them. You’re shy about them, for some reason. You feel ashamed of your own desires.

And you want a way out of that. You want to undo this shame, and go after your pleasure like you grab your lover’s hair during heated, passionate lovemaking. How do you do it?"


So, how would you do it and what advice can you suggest for people who want to try new things and can't get past that feeling of shyness that keeps them quiet?
05/19/2010
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Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
I haven't been in this situation yet, but I think a good way to approach it would be by first asking for something totally, extremely out there, far beyond what you actually want to ask for from your partner. Something like "I want you to tie me naked to a playground swing and cover me in whipped frosting and sour candies and then lick me clean before the police gets to us--also, I want a dragon for a pet" (no offense intended to anyone who actually fantasizes about above scenario). And then while the partner is cocking their head with a "what on earth?" look on their face, beam a bright smile and say "Kidding! I just wanna suck your toes."

In theory this sounds like a good idea. I've never tried it, so I can't say for sure. Maybe you need a drink or two to help direct the conversation.
05/19/2010
Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Cinnamon
I haven't been in this situation yet, but I think a good way to approach it would be by first asking for something totally, extremely out there, far beyond what you actually want to ask for from your partner. Something like "I want you to ...
That's actually a really good idea.

One could also say "hey, I saw this in a movie once and was wondering what your thoughts were on it" or something like that. If you can 'shift the blame' so to speak, it doesn't always seem as hard to ask.
05/19/2010
Sammi Sammi
I'm usually pretty blunt anymore, although I have gone with the "ask for something really out there" a few times. But you have to be willing to do the extreme scenario if your partner's eyes light up and he says "sure."
05/19/2010
Hannah Savage Hannah Savage
I'm kind of in this issue. My boyfriend knows that I shop at EF, write reviews, etc. He hasn't seen any of my toys (that's weird to realize that), and although he says he isn't bothered by me doing these things, sometimes he will make comments that make me think otherwise. So I am very hesitant to bring even the smallest vibrator to bed with him. I wish guys would understand that I can't orgasm in 5 minutes of start-to-end time!
05/20/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Sammi
I'm usually pretty blunt anymore, although I have gone with the "ask for something really out there" a few times. But you have to be willing to do the extreme scenario if your partner's eyes light up and he says "sure."
I was thinking the same thing cause my partners WOULD tie me naked to a playground swing and do wicked things to me if I ask...or if they thought I might want to...or if they thought the police wouldn't press charges!

I have troulpe asking for what I want but mainly because sme of what I want from Sigel trigger his feelings of shame stemming from the abuse he suffered as a child. Arch is open but has his hang ups as well. We find that direct works well for Arch but indirect with lots of time to become comfortable with the idea works best with Sigel.

On a more serious note it sounds like saying a really out there scenario to introduce what you consider to be mundane can be wildly damaging to your relationship and trust. make sure you let your partner know you are joking...the example Cynthia gave was whimsical the ones Sigel employed were borderline criminal. Be sure the intent is to ASK for what you want not coerce someone against their will or better judgement. It can be a fine line. I guess the real answer is to ask and be prepared to accept a 'no' graciously.
05/20/2010
spiced spiced
Great question!

I am into some fairly freaky stuff and my wife didn't have much sexual experience (what she had was pure vanilla) when we started dating. I've gradually turned her on to lots of things she'd never heard of before.

I've found the best way is to first try something A LITTLE different and then start a post-orgasm discussion by saying how much I enjoyed it, confirming that she enjoyed it, too and making it clear I'd like to try it again.

For example, with anal play I started by gently touching and tonguing her rosebud while I performed oral on her, as she was getting close to orgasm. She obviously LOVED being touched there, so I told her how much I'd enjoyed it, too. Next time, I gently and patiently inserted my pinky and again, afterward, I told her about my pleasure, asked about hers and kept up that gradual but steady progression until she was ready (eager, really!) to try anal penetration.

Another example. Having tried light hair-pulling, choking and spanking with her, and again seeing that she absolutely loved these things, led easily into a discussion about BDSM, which we now practice in an ever-expanding variety of ways.

I like using the softest language possible. Rather than asking "hard" yes/no questions like "do you want to try anal sex tonight?" instead I say something like "you liked it when I touched you there, didn't you? Do you think you might like to try taking it a little further sometime soon?" And timing is of course important. Right after sex is the best time, in my opinion.

I think that approach works especially well for things your partner THINKS they don't like but haven't really tried yet. My wife confided, long after we'd made anal sex a regular part of our repertoire, that before she tried it, she'd always had a very negative prejudice towards anal. She thought it was all pain and no pleasure for the receiver. By first showing her the pleasure, it was fairly easy to overcome the prejudice.

I also like Julia's "saw it in a movie" idea. I think it would be a good idea then, too, to make it clear that you're really turned on by whatever you "saw in the movie".
06/11/2010
TechyDad TechyDad
Quote:
Originally posted by Jul!a
That's actually a really good idea.

One could also say "hey, I saw this in a movie once and was wondering what your thoughts were on it" or something like that. If you can 'shift the blame' so to speak, it doesn't always seem as hard to ask.
Somehow, I don't think the "saw it in a movie" approach would work for me. My wife would probably just look at me and ask "What kind of movies were *you* watching?!!!" ;-)
06/13/2010
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by TechyDad
Somehow, I don't think the "saw it in a movie" approach would work for me. My wife would probably just look at me and ask "What kind of movies were *you* watching?!!!" ;-)
LMAO! Yea, not the best idea. I can see that majorly failing.

I'm just open and honest. If you are honest with other things in your relationship it is easier.
06/28/2010
Total posts: 9
Unique posters: 9