The New Intimacy

What's the Best Way to Tell Someone You're a Virgin? - from Em and Lo

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Contributor: Em & Lo Em & Lo
A reader of ours over at EMandLO.com recently wrote into us with this conundrum:

I’m a 22-year-old virgin and have decided to wait for a committed relationship before having sex. Sometimes when I’m dating and the sex talk comes up, guys get very nervous when they realize I’m a virgin. I try not to make it such a big deal, I see it as only a part of my character, not the whole thing. I’m dating a great guy now and I’m pretty sure the topic of sex will come up soon. Any advice about how to approach this? Am I kidding myself to think that guys wouldn’t freak about this? Any advice would be great.

What do you think she should do?
10/20/2010
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Contributor: ScottA ScottA
If she's not interested in having sex yet then she can stick to that part as long as possible rather than bringing up the virgin thing right off.
10/20/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Well there's two ways to look at it. Either she can own that part of herself and not fear the conversation coming up. If a guy freaks out and runs the other way when she says she's a virgin, that guy probably wasn't worth wasting any more time on for her anyway.

Or she can play it off as being mroe mysterious and never directly state her virginity until she actually decides she's ready to have sex. She can just smile over her cup, say "well, I may not be an expert, but I'll know what I want when I see it" (or something else mysterious and non-committal), and sip her drink. It will hint to the man that she's not been around the block but not in a way that could scare him off. In fact, she could turn it into something enticing.

But no matter what, I don't think she should 1. lie and 2. have sex when she doesn't actually want to just to get rid of her virginity. I would tell her to be strong and the right man will stay with her when he finds out and will have a mature conversation with her about it.
10/20/2010
Contributor: Envy Envy
I don't see the point int telling unless directly asked. Even then if the guy takes off running just because said person is a virgin, then he's not really worth the time or effort. Same goes for a guy pressuring the person to lose said virginity. You should only do what you feel comfortable with.
10/20/2010
Contributor: Jenn (aka kissmykitty) Jenn (aka kissmykitty)
(EdenFantasys)
I really like Darling Jen's suggestion. And as Goth brought up, why does it even need to be broadcast? Unless directly asked, don't bother mentioning it. Focus on other key aspects of building a relationship first.
10/20/2010
Contributor: Illusional Illusional
Quote:
Originally posted by Jenn (aka kissmykitty)
I really like Darling Jen's suggestion. And as Goth brought up, why does it even need to be broadcast? Unless directly asked, don't bother mentioning it. Focus on other key aspects of building a relationship first.
Agreed.

It doesn't need to be written across your forehead in Sharpie. Don't make it a big deal and let the relationship grow, if he's a good guy and you tell him, he should be willing to work with you.
10/20/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
"I haven't had as much experience as I like ... "
10/20/2010
Contributor: gone77 gone77
Whenever it feels right for the virgin. The more comfortable she is with it, the more of a non-issue it becomes.
10/20/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
"I haven't had as much experience as I like ... "
Hehehe and maybe the continuation of that: "And maybe you could help me with that..."

What a sexy little vixen this virgin is!
10/20/2010
Contributor: Sir Sir
Honestly, it's not really anyone's business. A first time doesn't have to be some romantic escapade - so if the person has never had intercourse, they could either not share, or just tell the person upfront that they've never had intercourse before.
10/20/2010
Contributor: Dame Demi Dame Demi
*NOT* when you're drunk enough to still be holding a bottle of Jack Daniels, your partner's a virgin too, and 6 of your friends are watching through the window.

Honest to god, that's my 100% true story. In retrospect, it probably explains alot...
10/23/2010
Contributor: ScottA ScottA
It sounds like she doesn't want to have sex, so I wouldn't harp on the virgin part - just say that you're not interested in entering a sexual relationship until later on.
10/23/2010
Contributor: Blinker Blinker
It's a catch-22. Some guys will be freaked out and feel they have to turn tail and flee, or others will think they've hit the hymen jackpot. If you must bring it up, make it casual. Be upfront about what you expect and say "Hope you don't mind, but since I'm a virgin, I'd like to take things slow."

Regardless, never hide this from a guy, because they can usually tell. Plus bloody bedsheets and a bloody condom and the look of pain on your face will give it away.
10/23/2010