Most Ridiculous Cosmo Sex Tip You Ever Heard

My favorite Cosmo tips:

1) "Suck on a cough drop and go down on him. The cool minty feeling will drive him nuts!" The one thing I actually did try when I was young and completely inexperienced. My then-fiance ended up with a mild chemical burn on his penis.

2) "When going down on him, sneak a finger or two into his butt! He'll hit the roof!" Well, they certainly told the truth on that one. The problem is the word "sneak", which suggests that you didn't ask first, and the "or two", which if you didn't ask, and are sneaking around and not using lube, I think any guy would freak to have two fingers suddenly in his butt. The roof he's likely to hit is the roof of your mouth, which would likely cause you to bite down. Either way, that'll land you in the ER quicker than the cough drops.

3) "After sex, grab your used panties from the floor and use them to tie your hair back! Not only will this show him that you're fun and casual, the intoxicating smell of your womanhood will get him turned on again!" Because every man goes crazy for a woman with underpants on her head! Especially dirty underpants! I don't think that will show you off as "fun and casual" so much as "making the man in question worry if he's going to be facing criminal charges for having sex with a woman obviously not in her right mind". less

I am holding a copy of Cosmo right now that has an article of their 100 Best Sex Tips of the Year. Allow me to share a few gems (/sarcasm) with commentary:

Slip on cashmere gloves and slowly stroke his member.-This sounds good in theory. Cashmere is soft, but it would be easy to overdo and give his penis a friction burn.

Push and exercise ball against a wall, have him sit on it, and bounce on him.-I've seen one person have trouble staying on one of these balls. Two people is a disaster waiting to happen. The wall wont stop you from falling in the other direction.

Tie him up on his back. Use shoelaces to tie a remote controlled vibrator to the shaft of his penis and play with the speeds.-Have you ever accidentally tied a shoelace in a really tight knot that was impossible to undo? I think you can imagine where I am going with this. You're hunting for small scissors while the tight little knot is turning his penis a lovely shade of purple!

Dig your nails into the underside of his butt cheeks as you perform oral on him. That area rarely gets attention but is extremely sensitive.-You're telling us to dig our nails into an extremely sensitive area? I don't know what types of nails Cosmo staffers have, but mine currently project a half inch above the tips of my fingers. I could draw blood.

Give your sex toys TLC. Clean them after use, remove the batteries, and store them in plastic wrap.-In 2011, this qualifies as a "best sex tip"? We have to actually tell people to clean toys that go in and out of their vaginas?

Wrap a belt around each of his thighs. This will push more blood into his penis, making his erection feel even harder.-How hard would you have to squeeze to make more blood move to the genital area? I bet his legs would go numb!

Long, pointy nails made a comeback this year. Use those talons to scratch his back, chest, inner thighs...-Scratching is certainly an acquired taste. About those long, pointy nails: a few pages before this article, Cosmo asked guys on the street what they thought of the pointy nail trend. 69% said they were "scary" rather than sexy. Now they suggest using the scary nails to scratch guys up in bed? Okay... less

I don't remember exactly what it said because this was a couple of years ago, but I read one that was about freezing some grapes and then putting a couple in your mouth while you give your guy a blowjob. I don't see how that could end without me choking or with him losing his erection from the cold. less

I am holding a copy of Cosmo right now that has an article of their 100 Best Sex Tips of the Year. Allow me to share a few gems (/sarcasm) with commentary:

Slip on cashmere gloves and slowly stroke his member.-This sounds good in theory. Cashmere is soft, but it would be easy to overdo and give his penis a friction burn.

Push and exercise ball against a wall, have him sit on it, and bounce on him.-I've seen one person have trouble staying on one of these balls. Two people is a disaster waiting to happen. The wall wont stop you from falling in the other direction.

Tie him up on his back. Use shoelaces to tie a remote controlled vibrator to the shaft of his penis and play with the speeds.-Have you ever accidentally tied a shoelace in a really tight knot that was impossible to undo? I think you can imagine where I am going with this. You're hunting for small scissors while the tight little knot is turning his penis a lovely shade of purple!

Dig your nails into the underside of his butt cheeks as you perform oral on him. That area rarely gets attention but is extremely sensitive.-You're telling us to dig our nails into an extremely sensitive area? I don't know what types of nails Cosmo staffers have, but mine currently project a half inch above the tips of my fingers. I could draw blood.

Give your sex toys TLC. Clean them after use, remove the batteries, and store them in plastic wrap.-In 2011, this qualifies as a "best sex tip"? We have to actually tell people to clean toys that go in and out of their vaginas?

Wrap a belt around each of his thighs. This will push more blood into his penis, making his erection feel even harder.-How hard would you have to squeeze to make more blood move to the genital area? I bet his legs would go numb!

Long, pointy nails made a comeback this year. Use those talons to scratch his back, chest, inner thighs...-Scratching is certainly an acquired taste. About those long, pointy nails: a few pages before this article, Cosmo asked guys on the street what they thought of the pointy nail trend. 69% said they were "scary" rather than sexy. Now they suggest using the scary nails to scratch guys up in bed? Okay... less