Serious advice please? What is the best way to talk to your child who's coming out of the closet? I' - Created by kendra30752 on May 15, 2011: EdenFantasys Forum

slipstitch

Quote:

Originally posted by K101

Ok, I need serious advice. (Please not poking fun) One of the children whom I've taken care of for most of my life, he's not biologically mine, but I've played a major role in his raising and upbringing. When he was born (my sister's ... more

Ok, I need serious advice. (Please not poking fun) One of the children whom I've taken care of for most of my life, he's not biologically mine, but I've played a major role in his raising and upbringing. When he was born (my sister's child) my sister was young & we all had to step up. I had to grow up quickly and learn to care for a child.

To be totally honest, I always thought he was gay (even when he was still a child) does that make sense? I just felt that he was. I've always wondered how I would respond when the day came & he decided to tell me he was gay.

That day came a lot sooner than I'd expected. He's been sending all of us hints and I caught on quickly, but didn't know what to say. Yesterday he texted me and said not to tell, but he has a boyfriend. I knew he was testing the waters with me to see where I stood and how I'd react. I said "Well I want you to know that I love you just the same no matter what. Nothing will ever change that. You will always have my love forever no matter what you do or who you are. I will always accept you just as you and I will never judge or think or love you any less. You can tell me anything. I will never break your trust in me & I'm glad you are comfortable enough with talking to me about something so important and scary"

He said "Ha Ha I'm kidding. I bet you freaked out. I'd have loved to seen the look on your face!" I knew he wasn't kidding, but I wasn't about to poke and force it out. I decided to say OK and let him know that I will not love him any less and that way he will feel better about telling me when he's ready. I said "Omg you crazy thing! But know this, what I said was true. You mean the world to me and don't ever think I wouldn't be here for you to talk to with this."

He said "Oh! Thanx, that means alot." So, I know he has been wanting to tell me, but I was afraid to force it out. We've discussed it ALOT and he asks questions and I always try to be open and honest & listen.

I've always been his (as well as the other kid's) go to person and my family doesn't deal well with anything. When I was a teen, my parents are the type who liked to keep their heads burried in the sand for a lot of things and just never talk about it. I DONT want to be that person! I always wondered "why won't they discuss things? Do they think badly of me?" My parents were great, but to be honest none of my family deals well with any kind of hardships. I don't know how to explain it, but let's just say my little precious teen will not get answers from the family if he chose to go to them.

I am not gay so I want to hear from all of you (gay or not) what would you need being a teen and realizing you're gay. Please give me some advice. I'd really like to hear from those who are gay. How did your parents deal? What do you think is most needed from a parent/guardian when your teen is ready to come out to you? Also, what how were you affected by your parents or loved one's reactions when coming out? I apologize if this is too personal of questions. You don't have to answer, but advice would be so appreciated.

I want to go about this the right way. I of course think no less of him and on a pretty strong level, I knew. But, what do you think is most important to give to him? He's got to be desperate for answers right now & I would love to be able to help as much as possible. Also, please don't leave out the thigns that you think are NOT a good idea to do.

Sorry for the long post and I am truly sorry if this brings up uncomfortable issues. If I crossed a line with these questions I am so sorry. I just hope that I can get real advice from real people here. I don't want him to feel unwanted, abandoned, not good enough or anything. I don't want him to have to keep thigns bottled up. I kept harsh things bottled up as a kid and I did not have a go-to person or a sister that would provide me with answers or allow me to talk about those nagging teen questions. I want to give him as much support as possible. less

I came out partially when I was in high school. By partially I mean that I thought I was bi. After being married and having two kids I came to the realization that not only was I not bi but that I wasn't even remotely attracted to men. I was very lucky as a teen because my mother was very open. When I told her she looked me in the eye and said " I thought something was wrong, you seemed so worked up." She really didn't care as long as I was happy. It really made things easier on me growing up and as an adult in seeing that nothing was "wrong" with me, that I should do what makes me happy.

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05/15/2011

K101

Quote:

Originally posted by slipstitch

I came out partially when I was in high school. By partially I mean that I thought I was bi. After being married and having two kids I came to the realization that not only was I not bi but that I wasn't even remotely attracted to men. I was very ... more

Wow. That is so great that you were able to talk to your mother like that and she responded so well. Was it relieving that she was OK with it? I think it's important for your kids to know that they will always be accepted and never disowned or looked down upon and I just hope that I do a good job. Also, thank you very much for sharing. That is a huge help!

Reply

05/16/2011

Annemarie

I'm pansexual, but generally claim bisexual because almost no one knows what pansexuality is. I'm virtually out of the closet to everyone but my dad and family, and I probably never will, simply because I know they won't handle it well. My dad is very conservative, and would likely disown me as his daughter.

If I came out to my dad, I would want him to to support me in my decision, and my current and future relationships, but I wouldn't want a big deal made out of it. I wouldn't want any special attention, or whatever. I would want him to continue on like normal, except now he knows that I'm not straight. I wouldn't want him to call it out, or be awkward about it. I would expect him to acknowledge and accept my relationships with people of my same gender (instead of them being just "friends"). But really, I would want everything else to remain the same.

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05/16/2011

ToyGurl

Well, I think it's really a lot of acceptance and love. A lot of the time, especially from what I hear from my friends, is that their parents no longer look at them the same. They need someone to see them for who they are and still love them as their own.

Talk with them about their relationships, feelings, etc. Joke around (but do not make mean jokes until they are comfortable with it). When my cousin came out of the closet we would always point out hot guys for him in joking ways. He actually said that made him feel accepted.

Reply

05/16/2011

Brosia

Quote:

Originally posted by K101

Ok, I need serious advice. (Please not poking fun) One of the children whom I've taken care of for most of my life, he's not biologically mine, but I've played a major role in his raising and upbringing. When he was born (my sister's ... more

Ok, I need serious advice. (Please not poking fun) One of the children whom I've taken care of for most of my life, he's not biologically mine, but I've played a major role in his raising and upbringing. When he was born (my sister's child) my sister was young & we all had to step up. I had to grow up quickly and learn to care for a child.

To be totally honest, I always thought he was gay (even when he was still a child) does that make sense? I just felt that he was. I've always wondered how I would respond when the day came & he decided to tell me he was gay.

That day came a lot sooner than I'd expected. He's been sending all of us hints and I caught on quickly, but didn't know what to say. Yesterday he texted me and said not to tell, but he has a boyfriend. I knew he was testing the waters with me to see where I stood and how I'd react. I said "Well I want you to know that I love you just the same no matter what. Nothing will ever change that. You will always have my love forever no matter what you do or who you are. I will always accept you just as you and I will never judge or think or love you any less. You can tell me anything. I will never break your trust in me & I'm glad you are comfortable enough with talking to me about something so important and scary"

He said "Ha Ha I'm kidding. I bet you freaked out. I'd have loved to seen the look on your face!" I knew he wasn't kidding, but I wasn't about to poke and force it out. I decided to say OK and let him know that I will not love him any less and that way he will feel better about telling me when he's ready. I said "Omg you crazy thing! But know this, what I said was true. You mean the world to me and don't ever think I wouldn't be here for you to talk to with this."

He said "Oh! Thanx, that means alot." So, I know he has been wanting to tell me, but I was afraid to force it out. We've discussed it ALOT and he asks questions and I always try to be open and honest & listen.

I've always been his (as well as the other kid's) go to person and my family doesn't deal well with anything. When I was a teen, my parents are the type who liked to keep their heads burried in the sand for a lot of things and just never talk about it. I DONT want to be that person! I always wondered "why won't they discuss things? Do they think badly of me?" My parents were great, but to be honest none of my family deals well with any kind of hardships. I don't know how to explain it, but let's just say my little precious teen will not get answers from the family if he chose to go to them.

I am not gay so I want to hear from all of you (gay or not) what would you need being a teen and realizing you're gay. Please give me some advice. I'd really like to hear from those who are gay. How did your parents deal? What do you think is most needed from a parent/guardian when your teen is ready to come out to you? Also, what how were you affected by your parents or loved one's reactions when coming out? I apologize if this is too personal of questions. You don't have to answer, but advice would be so appreciated.

I want to go about this the right way. I of course think no less of him and on a pretty strong level, I knew. But, what do you think is most important to give to him? He's got to be desperate for answers right now & I would love to be able to help as much as possible. Also, please don't leave out the thigns that you think are NOT a good idea to do.

Sorry for the long post and I am truly sorry if this brings up uncomfortable issues. If I crossed a line with these questions I am so sorry. I just hope that I can get real advice from real people here. I don't want him to feel unwanted, abandoned, not good enough or anything. I don't want him to have to keep thigns bottled up. I kept harsh things bottled up as a kid and I did not have a go-to person or a sister that would provide me with answers or allow me to talk about those nagging teen questions. I want to give him as much support as possible. less

First of all, thank you for making a post like this. It's very heartwarming to see someone reaching out to their loved one like that. And I think you've handled the situation beautifully so far.

I came out in highschool. I was (and still am) head over heels for my best friend, Sarah. We started dating privately, and I felt it was time to tell my family. I told my aunt first. She told me that she'd suspected as much, and how thrilled she was that I'd found someone who made me happy. Next, I told my mother. She was also very happy for me, but admitted to being afraid of the discrimination I'd face. When I told my father, he joked about it. He said, "I'm old, honey, not stupid. I see the way you look at that girl." He went on to gush about how as long as I was happy, he was happy.

I'm extremely blessed in how well my family took the news. My aunt, for example, didn't make a big deal about it. She acknowledged that I was gay, defended me when needed, and always accepted and introduced Sarah as my partner. She embraced who I was without ever letting it seem like it changed things. My mother's honesty was always greatly appreciated, as well. In sharing that she worried for my well-being, it reassured me that she wasn't hiding her real reaction. We were able to discuss these fears, address them (by means of self-defense classes), and move past them. Finally, my father's over-the-top reaction reassured me that I was loved, that I wasn't a disappointment, and that I'd have support.

It just goes to show that there are many good ways to approach the situation. Your heart is in the right place; just do what comes naturally to you. The one point I need to stress, however, is that you need to be comfortable with this situation. Your nephew is in a very vulnerable position, and will notice any faltering. If you hear someone being cruel or ignorant, stand up for your nephew and those like him. If he has a boyfriend, acknowledge him as more than the dreaded "friend". Encourage him to be comfortable in his own skin.

I hope all goes well for you.

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05/16/2011

Antipova

I just found this post while doing a search for something completely different, but Kendra, it's wonderful for you to be a go-to person for your nephew, and I hope things are still going well four months later. It sounds like you did a great job with the first conversation

And if anyone else in this situation happens to see this thread I hope they can take away some of the excellent advice offered in it!

Reply

09/17/2011

allinonekid

Not sure what advice to give you. I still have yet to tell my own family that I am. Guess I'm still too scared to.

Reply

11/19/2011

RavenWolf88

Quote:

Originally posted by K101

Ok, I need serious advice. (Please not poking fun) One of the children whom I've taken care of for most of my life, he's not biologically mine, but I've played a major role in his raising and upbringing. When he was born (my sister's ... more

Ok, I need serious advice. (Please not poking fun) One of the children whom I've taken care of for most of my life, he's not biologically mine, but I've played a major role in his raising and upbringing. When he was born (my sister's child) my sister was young & we all had to step up. I had to grow up quickly and learn to care for a child.

To be totally honest, I always thought he was gay (even when he was still a child) does that make sense? I just felt that he was. I've always wondered how I would respond when the day came & he decided to tell me he was gay.

That day came a lot sooner than I'd expected. He's been sending all of us hints and I caught on quickly, but didn't know what to say. Yesterday he texted me and said not to tell, but he has a boyfriend. I knew he was testing the waters with me to see where I stood and how I'd react. I said "Well I want you to know that I love you just the same no matter what. Nothing will ever change that. You will always have my love forever no matter what you do or who you are. I will always accept you just as you and I will never judge or think or love you any less. You can tell me anything. I will never break your trust in me & I'm glad you are comfortable enough with talking to me about something so important and scary"

He said "Ha Ha I'm kidding. I bet you freaked out. I'd have loved to seen the look on your face!" I knew he wasn't kidding, but I wasn't about to poke and force it out. I decided to say OK and let him know that I will not love him any less and that way he will feel better about telling me when he's ready. I said "Omg you crazy thing! But know this, what I said was true. You mean the world to me and don't ever think I wouldn't be here for you to talk to with this."

He said "Oh! Thanx, that means alot." So, I know he has been wanting to tell me, but I was afraid to force it out. We've discussed it ALOT and he asks questions and I always try to be open and honest & listen.

I've always been his (as well as the other kid's) go to person and my family doesn't deal well with anything. When I was a teen, my parents are the type who liked to keep their heads burried in the sand for a lot of things and just never talk about it. I DONT want to be that person! I always wondered "why won't they discuss things? Do they think badly of me?" My parents were great, but to be honest none of my family deals well with any kind of hardships. I don't know how to explain it, but let's just say my little precious teen will not get answers from the family if he chose to go to them.

I am not gay so I want to hear from all of you (gay or not) what would you need being a teen and realizing you're gay. Please give me some advice. I'd really like to hear from those who are gay. How did your parents deal? What do you think is most needed from a parent/guardian when your teen is ready to come out to you? Also, what how were you affected by your parents or loved one's reactions when coming out? I apologize if this is too personal of questions. You don't have to answer, but advice would be so appreciated.

I want to go about this the right way. I of course think no less of him and on a pretty strong level, I knew. But, what do you think is most important to give to him? He's got to be desperate for answers right now & I would love to be able to help as much as possible. Also, please don't leave out the thigns that you think are NOT a good idea to do.

Sorry for the long post and I am truly sorry if this brings up uncomfortable issues. If I crossed a line with these questions I am so sorry. I just hope that I can get real advice from real people here. I don't want him to feel unwanted, abandoned, not good enough or anything. I don't want him to have to keep thigns bottled up. I kept harsh things bottled up as a kid and I did not have a go-to person or a sister that would provide me with answers or allow me to talk about those nagging teen questions. I want to give him as much support as possible. less

First of all, I would like to say you have already done a wonderful thing by saying what you have said to him already. I truly wish I had someone in my family that thought the same way as you do.
When my mother found out (a 'friend' of mine ratted me out so to speak) she remained calm long enough to ask if I was gay, I initially told her I was bisexual because I was still sorting things out and I figured it would soften the blow a bit. Yeah, it didn't soften the blow at all and for oh say the next three to three and half years my life became a living hell. It took my mother a very long time to accept that I am a lesbian (yes, she now knows and I know as well lol).
Her reaction had a significant impact unfortunately. I was disowned, told she didn't love me anymore basically and got to the point where she nearly refused to let me finish high school. At the time she was too worried about what others would say if they found out so yeah let's just say her reaction was less than positive.
Over the course of time I nearly took my own life because of everything that happened. That was definitely rock bottowm for me. Most of my extended family has no idea still and this is 6 years later. One day I will tell them, but that will be after I have moved out and settled down and have a family of my own I think.
My advice for you my dear (assuming you ever get a chance to read this) just be there for him as you always have been. Don't treat him any differently and if things go south with his mom and the rest of the family make a point of it to let him know you are there for him whenever he needs you. And that no matter what, you will always love him. I know that was what I always wanted and never got. Just accept him for who he is and as long as he has you there as his support, I am fairly confident that all will turn out well eventually.
I wish only the best of luck to you both.

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11/28/2011

Katelyn

It was really important to me while coming out that my parents seemed interested and asked questions and didn't shut down. To this day my mother assumes that I am going through a "phase" and she often brings up cute guys and men actors to me even though I have told her I am a lesbian. I believe that talking to your child as much as possible is the way to help create a honest and trusting relationship with them, where they feel comfortable with you.
I am so impressed you are asking for advice and seem genuinely concerned, what a lucky kid you have!

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12/05/2011

(k)InkyIvy

You actually handled it incredibly well when he told you! Just make sure he knows that you love and accept him, that you're supportive of him no matter what his sexuality is.
Sadly, when I came out as bisexual to my family- I was in middle school, but had always been interested in other females- my mother tried to convince me it was just a phase, something I was doing for shock value. Once I began college, I met more people who could inform me more about proper terminology, who were open and accepting. I eventually realized that I was pansexual, not bisexual. My father is far more accepting of it than my mother is. She prefers to not talk about it, as if that makes it not true. My dad likes to point out beautiful and sexy women when I'm around, the way some men do with their sons.

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12/05/2011

Gingy

I think this is simple treat the kid with the respect that you would want if you were in the same situation. Its easy to imagine how confused he must be and worried by all the garbage that gets spread around in the press.
Just be there and its great that you and your family are.

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12/05/2011

K101

Wow! Thank you all SO much for the wonderful advice and for being so kind to share your stories with me. They were all so touching and very helpful! I hate to hear how hard it was for most of you though and I hope it doesn't have to be that way for him. I'm glad that you all took the time to help and share.

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12/07/2011

Serious advice please? What is the best way to talk to your child who's coming out of the closet? I'd love any advice including the advice of gay/lesbian on how they wished their parents took it?