Hello Princess Zelda,
Hmmm it is hard to explain for me....
I myself am kinda' mix between:
I think I'm more of a male character, and am 'straight' loving girls
I think I'm more of a male character, and have homosexual-ish feelings for guys.
I do understand I am biologically female. But no matter whom or what I love I feel more manly than them..... (wow, that sounded really ego-tistic...)
So I'm not even sure if my story would help in anyway....but here it goes..
I was the first born child and my father was hopping for a son. I did "normal girl things" for the first four years of my life. I never really had fun doing the activities.
The second child born was also a girl. Mom only wanted two kids, so my father lost his chance of a son.
So father worked with what he had; I was more of a mudd and dirt girl, than a Susey teaparty player. I was always ruff housing with boys and never thought they had cuties or anything.
I did have childhood friends who were girls, but the friendship was never quite like the friendship I had with guys. The girls treated me differently and would usually make me the Dad in pretend house games, or ask me to be there Valentine. This behavior has been the same threw out my childhood and adult life.
Then came the awkward adolescent years were mother would constantly complain for me to get out of my Tomboy faze and become a young lady. So I tried to get into fashion and makeup. I looked like a "women" but felt like I was wearing some sort of costume.
My guy friends took notice in the outer change and started to hit on me. But of course my personality was still tough girl and my guy friends and I could never make anything romantic happen. We would try but would both come to the conclusion that we are always gonna be best bros.
I could imagine a good best friendship with my guy friends. I could even imagine being sexual with them, but the sex in my mind was not sex that I would see between a man and a woman on the internet.
By then I had health class and was, I like to call it, "scared queer". All the talk of pregnancy really scared me. When my parents had the "birds and the bees" talk with me they sounded just like the health instructor: "Don't have sex, you will get pregnant and die!" ¯\(º??)/¯
So when I thought about sexual relationships with my guy friends, I would always imagine I had a penis and was penetrating them. (TMI?)
When I imagined girls on the other hand everything was different. I always wanted to be the night in shinning armor to come and save the princess in the Disney movies. I wanted to hold girls, keep them safe, see them smile and be happy.
When I hit puberty those dreams were getting stronger but now I also dreamed about whisking them away into a castle and make love to them all night long....
I did not want to have a penis when I thought of sex with girls, most of the time. I do have penis envy, but logic would not allow me to be a biological man with a women for fear of impregnating her. O.k. I am starting to get confusing... moving along...
Later on in high school life and beginning of college I saw what guys can truly be like. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of nice guys out there, but I was only exposed to vile men would cheated/lied/ physically abused my friends. I hated seeing it.
I was finally away from my little town and found the Gay Straight Alliance at my college. During my whole life I felt I was the only person having mixed feelings, but at GSA I found individuals like myself and would talk to them all the time.
By then I decided to get some counselling to make sure I was sane. I would spend a few days a week with the counselor poring my heart out and trying to figure out this lesbian/ straight man/ gay man persona I had.
It was the worst mistake of my life.
After about two weeks of seeing the counselor she said she compiled enough data on me to relay back what she thought was going on inside me.
She stated that I was on the path to hell, I strayed from God's grace. My pagan religion had tainted my sole, cursing me into gender purgatory. If I did not deny temptation and just fulfill my basic biological female function of motherhood, I was going to be miserable in life and afterlife.
Luckily the counselor's other patients decided to speak up about her and she lost her job.
I have a hard time coming out to people because of that women. If you want to talk to someone about you feelings make sure it is someone you can really trust! I do not wish to scare you, not everyone will have that same experience. It is something I wish upon no one.
Whatever is goin on in your head it is natural, even if religion condems it, your family does not except it, or science has not found a name for it yet.
The only morals that matter are your own. The only way to get to true happiness is threw yourself.
I hope you found this some what useful.
Best of wishes
- Nacht Stern