Thank you for being so honest and open in your post!! That takes a lot of courage and trust to share your vulnerability the way you have. I was in an accident a couple of years ago and my weight went up to 175, from 135 previous to the wreck. I lost all muscle tone in my stomach, arms, back and shoulders due to the injuries and recovery inactivity. I weigh about 148-152 currently and have gotten some of my tone back, but not all of it. I also have quit drinking beer--it makes me feel bad, like I did from the head injury and I cannot handle that feeling. I have also noticed with my husband, who is an alcoholic, his tone and weight is different than others. I think the alcohol adds fat deposits where there normally isn't any on your body and it is a bit harder to exercise those areas. Just personal opinion from observation, though--do not take this as a fact. What he did was find a physical activity he really loved and threw himself into it 100%. In his case, as in mine, it is dirt bike riding--hard and serious trails. A motocroser or enduro rider is second in physical fitness and muscle tone of all athletes. I realize this might not be your thing, but it is used as an example of an activity. It also produces those wonderful adrenaline rushes and endorphins which helps to replace addictions, depressions and lack of well-being. Good luck, and I hope knowing you are not alone helps!! You may message me anytime, I am always here for you and if there is any way I can help or just listen when you vent I am happy to do so!!