I drove his truck......

OK, after more thought, I did remember a better example! There is a song by Pepper Rabbit called Older Brother that I really liked and first discovered when I was moving into my house. I became good friends with the man next door, Chip and was so bummed he was going to sell the house because he was the best neighbor for me. We got along so well that had he been in better mental shape and closer to my age, I'd have dated him. He was a brilliant man who taught college chemistry and physics and was just such a gentle soul who loved to feed the wildlife and adored cats. Well, he was in heaven when I moved in with 5 cats he got to know and pet and I feed the birds and deer, and anything that shows up, pretty much, lol! I found out he was feeding the deer out of his living room window sometimes! I had to laugh because we both know it's illegal to feed them and I was doing the SAME thing, out of my bedroom window so no one would see me! We used to spend hours just chatting about science and nature, plus human psychology, it was great!. But the time came to sell the house and long story short, he killed himself as I was knocking on the door that evening trying to find him...it was devastating. He had terrible anxiety and other issues that I think once his mother, his rock died the previous year, he just couldn't cope. Not to mention he was taunted and ridiculed by other neighbors...it was definitely something I could see would likely happen, I just didn't expect it then, though I should have. He had no intention of leaving that house and he knew he couldn't take care of it. The new owners are just lovely and he chose them at a loss because he wanted them to be a good match for me and I am so grateful. Once he knew I liked them, he didn't even show the fully remodeled house to anyone else and they were the first to see it!

Anyway, a little after his death, I was listening to some Pepper Rabbit and that song came on and OMG, I lost it. It's a thinly veiled song about this singer's best friend who killed himself and now a song that already made me sad, just had so much more meaning all the sudden and the lyrics really fit, too! I still get choked up every time I hear it and it's not a downer type melody either, but whoa, once you figure out the lyrics, it sneaks up on you. I miss him terribly and I wish he had told me what he was going to do because I could have said goodbye and told him it was okay, I understood he had to do that. I would not have stopped him, he was in so much pain, it was hard to watch. But as a friend pointed out, he likely tried to spare me by not saying anything so I didn't have the burden of wondering if I could have stopped him. It's interesting, too, that what she said sounds so much like what he'd do. Anyway, I can never listen to that song now without getting verklempt and thinking of him.

anger is very normal. don't bottle it up or it will come out in other ways. just be sure you keep your safety & others always in your mind. the world is a better place for you being in it! hugs hugs contact me.