The New Intimacy

pressure to propose?

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Contributor: T&A1987 T&A1987
I posted this in long term relationships forum, but there tends to be more people here, so I'm going to post here as well, if that's okay.


I'm in a great relationship for almost four year, I love her, I just hate marriage. In my family it's only something you do to avoid dying alone and will eventually destroy your spirit and soul (I realize this is an uncommon/unpopular opinion regarding marriage that doesn't happen to everyone). I feel like she wants me to propose and I know her friends and family want me to propose. Where she's from, people propose after dating for six months, so they're wondering why we're not married yet. As I've said many times, I've never wanted to get married or have kids. For people in long term relationships, or married couples, did you ever feel pressured to propose?
12/13/2011
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Contributor: Cherrylane Cherrylane
Well for one, absolutely ignore it if it's the norm to get proposed to after six months where she's from. That's NOT normal nor something to aspire to (in my opinion, anyways).

I would suggest examining whether there's a possibility you could reevaluate your feelings on marriage. To me, it's absolutely what you make it. I have no doubt that there are people out there who are just as committed to each other who aren't married if not more so than couples who are. There's an extent to which you have to think if this is the person you do in fact wish to be with for the rest of your life, and it's important to her to get married, then what's the big deal about getting married. It's a socially constructed status so no matter what some politicians say, you can redefine it as you see fit. Just a relationship with a piece of paper.

Granted, she can always change her definition of marriage to suit your preferences. But, that's a tough thing for a lot of girls to do. Especially when you make it seem like everyone around her is pressing for a certain ideal.

In situations where a spouse is REALLY putting pressure on getting married, like full-on deadlines and whatever, I say dump them. Pitching a hissy fit and setting a deadline to get what you want in regard to something as important as that is not a mature approach. Stay away.

I've never been pressured to get married, but I'm very young and I'm sure it's coming. I expect to be the one reluctant to get married, as I fully intend to have at the very least completed most if not all of graduate school before I even consider the idea. Ideally, I'd prefer to have my career somewhat established before I "settle down" with someone. I'm not willing to sacrifice that aspect of my life for anyone, so I don't want to put myself in a positive where I'm "obligated" to.

In your situation, it seems like general compatibility might be/become an issue. You might want to look into that as well. If you are positive you do not want kids and will not want kids, are you clear on what her expectations for that is? Does she know and understand how much you really do not value the institution of marriage and do not want it in your life? If she has some idea that these aspects of you will change if you love her enough or whatever, you are going to have a problem. It's definitely something to consider.
12/13/2011
Contributor: Love Perpetua Love Perpetua
I have definitely felt pressure from a boyfriend to get married, although I wouldn't be the one proposing. Everyone in his family gets married very young, but I wasn't at all ready. I'm not yet sure how I feel about marriage, or if I want to get married, so it was a tricky situation. I think the best thing to do would be discuss your feelings about marriage with your girlfriend, making sure to express how much you love her. I was unsure from your post about whether you have said that to her many times (that you don't want marriage or kids). I think it's fine to not want marriage or kids, but it's important that in a long term, committed relationship, you are both honest about your feelings. As long as both of you are okay with your joint future not including marriage/kids, I don't see any problem. However, if she wants you to propose, that makes it sound like she does want to get married, which means you aren't on the same page. I think you should just have an honest conversation about what you think about marriage and why.
12/13/2011