One day I was cleaning the dildo army in my bathroom when my sister wanted to have a conversation. I was elbow-deep in soapy water, with a multitude of multicolored cocks swimming around me. I froze, she froze, we made panicked eye contact and ended the conversation quickly.

So yup. I know that moment.

Yes, it could have been worse. Your story is definitely enraging, Cynthia.

I'm not horrified that she knows, but it's just the inevitable "Why??" from her that - no matter how I explain - she will never understand because she can't relate. She's had a low drive her whole life, so she doesn't understand my higher drive and what my semi-self-imposed celibacy is doing to me. (On another note, I don't know whether to curse or bless Mulder for awakening my dead drive. I was never like this when I was with my dead-fish ex-husband.)

I got a package today too, and I was opening it up in the living room. The vibe was INSANELY quiet so I had it up to my ear to listen to the change in vibration patterns and my 4 year old walked into the room and said "oh you got a new phone?? it's pretty!" I just said "huh? oh..weren't you cleaning up your toys?" and changed the subject. Later on (I sucked at discretion today) I was once again playing with it..no not like that!..I was fiddling with the functions and trying to get myself acquainted with the controls and he walked in my room and said "what is that? can I try?" my husband was in the room too and said "it's mommy's new game, it's like a handheld game" and I said "yea, but it's broken so I'm just going to have to throw it away.." and he said "oh, I hate when my games break" and walked out of the room. So, I'm really just grateful that it was the four year old and not either of the older two, and I'm also really grateful that it was NOT realistic looking in the slightest and he has no idea what the heck it was.

No one adult has ever found my toys, though my mom did spend quite a while staring at my body powder in my bathroom the one day she was here. She had been in the bathroom washing her hands and she came out and we were talking in the hall and she kept popping her head back in the bathroom and looking at it. It's the Shunga kind with the embracing couple so I think she was trying to figure out what exactly it was!

Living the nightmare right now, since the post office still has the package that was supposed to be delivered during my very narrow window of opportunity today. I'm pretty sure something horrifically embarrassing will happen to me between now and whenever I manage to finally lock myself in an empty room with my package. I suppose I should just be grateful if I manage to avoid any family involvement in the proceedings.

If my mom discovered my toys in any way, they'd be thrown in the trash and I'd be kicked out of the house, so my levels of discretion have reached the level of obsessive compulsive disorder.

I think my dad knows, and I just tell him flat out it's none of his business. I haven't been caught thank god, but I never mess with things when he's home anyway.

Our policy is basically don't ask, don't tell. And no sex in your parent's house. (Didn't say anything about toys, haha! Loophole!)

new phone @ Alicia LOL


My daughter has been at the door when the UPS guy came. She gets excited for presents at the door.

I tell her its just a piece for a broken _____ (insert random appliance here) and usually that gets her out of my hair.

Thankfully the UPS guy was in today before she got home from school. He had 2 boxes and she would have been all over that like a fat kid on a smartie.

Whenever I receive a package in the presence of family I usually just take it to my room and come out minutes later with a random item from my room like a fancy candle or a DVD boxset and say "Oh look, my _______ (random object) arrived" It's not like anyone has seen everything I own so I never run out of things to say I received in the mail. Last time I got a package I said it was some assortment of vitamins.