Suddenly Single

Suddenly Single

El-Jaro El-Jaro
Hi all!

I have just found myself (almost)suddenly single. While I'm reorganizing my life, I'm thinking of lots of different things. We were together just over 3 1/2 years. Given the history of the relationship and the issues with it, I don't see her and I ever getting back together.

I'm now in the Over 30 and single club. Does anyone have any experiences they can share that I can use as inspiration or motivation?

I have questions like:
"How do I explain all the sex toys?"
"Do people still date over the age of 30 or do they whither and die alone?" (ok, that's just a bit too dramatic, but you know what I mean)
"Where are good places to meet people?"
"How will I feel if/when my ex has another partner?"
09/06/2011
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Starkiller87 Starkiller87
I tthink the biggest thing for me was trying not to call for the little things, when your so invested in the person after all these years and you see something on tv and immediately grab your phone to text them. Its hard situating, figuring out who you are as a singular person. I suggest doing something stupid, not like get drunk act a fool but go on a trip or take a class of something youve always wanted to learn.

I honestly dont think guys have a problem when they are single over 30. Girls like older men.

I dunno im sorry things didnt work out for you but im sure youll figure it out and move forward.
09/06/2011
Chilipepper Chilipepper
JR, I'm sorry to hear that you and she are no longer together. *hugs*

And to answer your questions - I am 34 and am in a relationship after ending a ten year marriage. It's normal to feel that you 'have no time left' when you're over 30 and alone, but that certainly isn't the case. You are still considered young, and there are still plenty of single older geek women around ... you just have to look elsewhere now.

Elsewhere really depends on what you're comfortable with. You could try online dating. You could also join a local geek group at the bookstores or gamer/comic shops. Join a coed amateur sports team or the gym. If you don't mind single moms, there's the park and such.

When the ex has another partner, it's going to feel uncomfortable of course. Just today I found out Mulder is in a relationship with some other chick that he's known for years (and she's probably wearing the lingerie I left at his place, too - she's also lushly built), and it still felt weird even though it's been a year-and-a-half since he dumped me without telling me. Just don't go crazy, it's not good for your own peace of mind.

In essence, take the time out if you need to. Look carefully and feel out the types of places your type would hang out at. Take your time, especially if you don't want it to be rebound.

Again, I'm sorry you have to go through this.
09/06/2011
js250 js250
I am sorry about your break-up, it is scary as hell but also can be very liberating to be single. I went through this myself, and survived but it was a very learning process.

People still date after 30, it is just more casual and if you have group dates or gatherings it takes the pressure off for the first few times you date.

As far as the sex toys, that will probably come a bit after you get to know each other, but you will explain your job, what Edens is all about and slowly introduce your partner to the benefits of toys. Leave some reviews or toy articles laying in convenient areas, bathroom is a good one, for her to read and get curious about. When people realize toys are not kinky, but more mainstream, they are more open to them.

Meeting people can be interesting and usually happpens when you least expect it. What hobbies or activities do you enjoy? Did you compromise during your relationship due to lack of interest on their part? Try some of these out and see if there are people who interest you.

When my ex had another partner I felt sad and angry. Kind of the I don't want you, but don't want anyone else to be with you either' deal. Petty, but normal. You do get over it and find your own happiness.

Take time to heal and deal with the issues that happen after a break up or it will be an added strain to a future relationship. We all come with baggage, but there is no sense adding more luggage than necessary. You will pay for it later.

Good luck, hope something I wrote helps!! I wish you the best and hope you find what you need very soon.
09/06/2011
Ansley Ansley
I am so sorry about your breakup. I haven't been in the dating scene in awhile, but my piece of advice to you is to find yourself again. Do all of the things you did before you met this person and get back in tune with who you are and the things you may/may not have sacrificed for the relationship. It'll help you later on when you're out in the dating world. Hang out in places where people who like to do things you enjoy are---if you like music, go to a place that has local bands. Good luck to you!
09/06/2011
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
Hi all!

I have just found myself (almost)suddenly single. While I'm reorganizing my life, I'm thinking of lots of different things. We were together just over 3 1/2 years. Given the history of the relationship and the issues with it, I ...
Awww JR I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out. Still you just gotta get back on the horse and take some of Chilipeppers excellent advice. My advice for what it's worth: Don't explain the sex toys! Let it just be part of the wonderfulness of you. You could always explain that you work in the sex toy industry...you know a sex toy worker! All jokes aside it IS natural to grieve the loss of what was and what could have been so let yourself grieve for a bit. Be happy for Cynthia if/when she finds someone new there's no benefit to being hateful. Of course it might hurt but then it might not...you might be happy yourself!
You are a wonderful person with much to offer so trust in that and stay open to the possibilities.
Besides you have wonderful people here who are here to listen and love you through this change in your life.
09/06/2011
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
JR, congratulations on your freedom. when i find myself independent is when i find myself the happiest. if i were you i'd try to take the time to focus on masturbation in every aspect of my life. do everything for you, to please you, to delve deeper into discovering you.



and maybe adopt a new pet.
09/06/2011
ToyTimeTim ToyTimeTim
Sorry to here this JR.

Sorry to say I have no advice to give, it has been so long since I dated I would not even know where to start. Thankfully there is some great advice so far for you. Take it slow and easy, things will work out for you I am sure.

As far as the toys go, while I would not just jump out and talk about on the first date (Unless the subject comes up), it is a big part of your life. Any person that is freaked out by it is not going to work anyhow, ya know?
09/06/2011
Antipova Antipova
JR, congradolences. The end of a long-term relationship really sucks, but it will also open up new (and, apparently necessary) opportunities for you.

People over thirty still date. Your dating pool is still pretty large...

As other folks have mentioned, dive into the things you like most about yourself, or hobbies you may have put off during the relationship (I always spend a lot of time with my One True Love, My Bicycle after a breakup). If your hobbies lend themselves to meeting new groups of people, there's a great place to start meeting new folks. Or, hey, we'd be glad to proofread your OKCupid profile for you And I'm not even kidding. When I've dated folks in the late-twenties-early-th irties set, I met one through mutual friends at a board-gaming birthday party, and another through OKCupid.

Take time to have fun before you settle into another serious relationship. Whether that means casual dating or a few months all to yourself, or some kind of mix. Enjoy yourself.

I know I've never met you, but you seem like a resourceful, reliable, hilarious man. I'd be thrilled to meet you in a hypothetical situation where I lived wherever you live---and I'm sure there are non-hypothetical people who do live near you, so give them the pleasure of meeting you.

Sitting by your mailbox on a lawnchair with your Cowboy sitting on an empty lawnchair next to you seems like a good ice-breaker, yes?
09/06/2011
Kynky Kytty Kynky Kytty
Aww JR, I'm really sorry to hear that, especially since I'm not single anymore... ah if only.

Seriously, it's really hard when you are the one being dumped, you do not have as much time to prepare for the break up - usually. But at 30, you are also still young. Meeting new people and joining activity groups, like Chilipepper said, is a good idea. Connect with friends until you feel better and ready to date again.

As for the toys, why make an issue of it. When I started dating again, the few rare times I did and it went beyond one date, I would be straightforward with it, "Look, I'm horny and I have more toys than the regular sex toy store, deal with it." It worked, I have a happy boyfriend now.

We love you
09/06/2011
Naughty Student Naughty Student
I don't have any personal experiences to provide inspiration unfortunately

It's going to hurt no matter how quickly or long your ex finds someone and it will probably do the same thing to her once she knows you find someone yourself.

Like chilipepper said join clubs and such but do things that interest you, that way you will meet someone with a common interest and you can move on from there to learn more about this person. Also take this as an opportunity to do things you were holding back on doing (like taking motorcycle lessons?!) and really get out there. Going to the gym will boost your endorphins and make you feel good, it helps fight the negative feelings you may be experiencing.

For the sex toys, just tell the girl they came with the house and you didn't want to get rid of them or that you are too poor to adopt children so you bought sex toys and gave them all names so that they could keep you company or tell her the truth...your a sex addict

Cheer up, if you feel blue you have a great community to turn to!
09/06/2011
El-Jaro El-Jaro
Thanks for the encouragement!

Actually, one thing she didn't like about me was the going out on Sat night and LARPing. I only did it once or twice while she was around and waited till she was gone for the summer before getting more involved in it. It's fun social stuff I enjoy.

I'm also approaching this as a "focus on me" time too. Not that I've really let myself go, but I'm definitely not out looking.

With that link to xkcd though, age/2 + 7 ...she's still a year under that age now. I guess we're just at different times in our lives.
09/07/2011
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
Thanks for the encouragement!

Actually, one thing she didn't like about me was the going out on Sat night and LARPing. I only did it once or twice while she was around and waited till she was gone for the summer before getting more ...
Pssh JR! Your last statement is a cop out, my dear. If one is invested in a relationship and truly values, appreciates and loves a person the age difference doesn't mean anything. Theoretically, my husband and I are constantly at different stages of our lives and you know what? We've been together for fifteen years because we love each other and truly enjoy each other's company. It's just that simple. Whatever comes up we deal with head on and then move on. Please don't blame it on the age difference.
09/07/2011
El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Pssh JR! Your last statement is a cop out, my dear. If one is invested in a relationship and truly values, appreciates and loves a person the age difference doesn't mean anything. Theoretically, my husband and I are constantly at different stages ...
Yeah, it's not so much as so much as being in different places in life.
09/07/2011
P'Gell P'Gell
I'm so sorry your relationship is ending, JR. I really don't have any advice. I agree with you that this is a good time to do things for YOU and enjoy time when you can.

You need to heal, and Love will find you when you are ready again.

Hugs and Love,

P'Gell
09/07/2011
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
Yeah, it's not so much as so much as being in different places in life.
I guess it's semantics. LOL I would call that just being different people and not at all wanting the same things.
09/07/2011
El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
I guess it's semantics. LOL I would call that just being different people and not at all wanting the same things.
That works too!

Would you believe that in 3 1/2 years I never once met her dad or said more than 15 words to her family? They were convinced I was no good.

Oh well, their loss...
09/07/2011
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
That works too!

Would you believe that in 3 1/2 years I never once met her dad or said more than 15 words to her family? They were convinced I was no good.

Oh well, their loss...
Definitely their loss!!! What a pity. Well, just goes to show you...something stupid and cliche...hahaha

Just whatever you do, don't think of it as wasted time. You're set to see the flags for how a relationship will progress in the future now and you'll be able to nip that shit in the bud right when it starts.
09/07/2011
Starkiller87 Starkiller87
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
That works too!

Would you believe that in 3 1/2 years I never once met her dad or said more than 15 words to her family? They were convinced I was no good.

Oh well, their loss...
Fuck that JR. That is just weird. After hearing that Im glad your out, no offense. You are better than that, youll find a girl whos family loves you as much as she does. Their loss indeed.
09/07/2011
Rossie Rossie
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
That works too!

Would you believe that in 3 1/2 years I never once met her dad or said more than 15 words to her family? They were convinced I was no good.

Oh well, their loss...
Sorry to learn about your breakup, it might take a while, but you'll get over it! Now is the best time to hangout with friends and just have a good time. You might find your next Miss Right before you even realize it.

30 years old is when a man is at his best, mature enough to know how to treat their partners right, and still have lots of energy to go out and have fun with. Heck, I and my husband found each other when we're around 30!

I think the difference in age and life experience might affect a relationship, especially when she is still so young. She's probably still busy exploring the world, so just let her go and be happy for her.

Please do not let her parent's attitude bother you, they'll probably treat all the guys that show up in her life the same way. Sounded like her father's the very old-fashioned, traditional, and stubborn type of Chinese man, not all Chinese parents are like that.

SO, just let loose and go forward, somebody wonderful is out there waiting for you!
09/07/2011
Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
That works too!

Would you believe that in 3 1/2 years I never once met her dad or said more than 15 words to her family? They were convinced I was no good.

Oh well, their loss...
Pshaw, age/2+7 is a guideline. One of my dearest fellows ducked in and out of being "acceptable" every six months for a while, we'd clink our glasses and say "Happy birthday, we're creepy again!" or "Happy birthday, it's not creepy anymore!"

Depending on how close she was with her family (geographically and personally)... that's a darn shame that they missed out on the opportunity to meet you.
09/07/2011
El-Jaro El-Jaro
We're talking again and meeting up tomorrow for dinner.

We have a lot of talking to do...
09/12/2011
Kindred Kindred
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
We're talking again and meeting up tomorrow for dinner.

We have a lot of talking to do...
I hope things work out for the best, whatever that may be.
09/12/2011
Rossie Rossie
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
We're talking again and meeting up tomorrow for dinner.

We have a lot of talking to do...
All the best!
09/12/2011
Dawn (Lilac Distraction) Dawn (Lilac Distraction)
Beer and hugs right back to you!

You can be like me and just watch 500 Days of Summer and do all of the things you couldn't do before. Enjoy not having to answer to anyone. Do things that you've been meaning to do. Find a new hobby. Reconnect with yourself.

I've often wondered how I'd explain all of my toys if I started dating someone again. It's not something I keep much of a secret. When you work anywhere related to retail, you'll usually end up with a collection of things from that place. When you look at it that way, it's not weird, right? I've just always wondered what to keep and what to throw away.

Being single again gives you the opportunity to meet lots of new people. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a member of Okcupid.com which is much more relaxed and casual (not to mention more awesome) than other dating sites. You can find people with similar interests and make some new friends. Besides, you can start LARPing more. Maybe your future soul mate is out there waiting for you at one of those events.
09/12/2011
ToyTimeTim ToyTimeTim
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
We're talking again and meeting up tomorrow for dinner.

We have a lot of talking to do...
Be honest and get everything off your chest. See where it goes from there.
09/12/2011
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyTimeTim
Be honest and get everything off your chest. See where it goes from there.
Agreed, it's the only thing that ever worked for me. The good thing is the break up has already happened so it should be easier.
09/12/2011
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
That works too!

Would you believe that in 3 1/2 years I never once met her dad or said more than 15 words to her family? They were convinced I was no good.

Oh well, their loss...
Well for goodness sake! I met Arch's parents and he met mine and I would have to say our relationship is a BIT more challenged than yours!! Definitely their loss.

I would make sure that if you do begin again that you meet her parents as part of the agreement. You aren't a bad person and it's disrespectful of them to treat you as though you don't exist...even in the most traditional Chinese homes.
09/12/2011
El-Jaro El-Jaro
Some good news: Cyn and I got back together and are working through our issues.

I can't thank you all enough for the love and support you showed!
09/19/2011
indiglo indiglo
Best wishes to you both!
09/19/2011
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