The New Intimacy

What does it mean to be "in love" vs just loving someone?

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Contributor: tigerkate tigerkate
My boyfriend of seven months just blindsided me with this conversation. We moved in together at 6mos, and we had yet to say "I love you."

Today, he told me it's tearing him apart because he loves me but he does not know if he is IN love with me yet. Like his feelings have not moved past really really liking me. Like he is not sure he could see himself with me in 30 years.
I was obviously really upset, because I didn't think about IN love vs just love. Like, in my mind, yeah, I love him.

He said he cares for me very deeply, loves being with me, spending time with me, having sex with me, etc. He told me he would be devastated if I left him tomorrow, and he would not be able to stand the thought of not talking to me again /not having me in his life somehow if we broke up. He reiterated that he does not want me to leave, and the only reason he brought it up was because he felt like he was lying by omission. He didn't want me to be wondering why he hasn't said "I love you." He added that I make him happy, I am the most amazing woman he's met, he couldn't imagine the last months without me, etc...



The thing that confuses me is that I consider all of the above things when I'm thinking about love.

What do you think loving someone means?


[background: neither of us has been in much of a 'real' relationship like this, definitely nothing that's lasted this long. he is 25, i am 21.]
03/19/2011
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Contributor: tigerkate tigerkate
Oh, and now I am having to think about how his lease at this apartment ends in June.

I need to decide if we are staying in this together- if we are going to stay at this apartment or move to a new one together. Or if I need to leave him and we will part ways.
03/19/2011
Contributor: tigerkate tigerkate
I'm going to keep bumping this until someone helps me out here.
03/21/2011
Contributor: wetone123 wetone123
Everything he said to you indicates that he can't be without you and that he loves you. Some men are very strange and secretive with their true emotions. I say he does love you. If he can not commit to you by June, something may be wrong since you will have been together over a year then. I say let it ride til May and then decide. Do not rush into any hasty judgements or plans. You are both very young and have a lot to learn about love. I am almost 50 and I'm still learning about love. Love is sometimes hard.
03/21/2011
Contributor: Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
Quote:
Originally posted by wetone123
Everything he said to you indicates that he can't be without you and that he loves you. Some men are very strange and secretive with their true emotions. I say he does love you. If he can not commit to you by June, something may be wrong since ... more
What she said, but if you really love him, don't put an ultimatum on him by saying, "He has 'til May to say he loves me or asks me to marry him or I'm out." Ultimatums are bad news. BAD NEWS! If you care about him give him time...all the time he needs. He is being open and honest with you. You need to be just as open and honest with him about how what he told you, has you worried about June. You might be surprised by his response.
03/21/2011