Ok, this is a somewhat complicated topic, but I'll try to keep it brief.
First let me preface this by saying that I'm not putting all the blame on my parents. I know that I'm not the only one from a dysfunctional household, and not everyone in my case has made similar choices as I have. I believe in personal responsibility. However, I still think it's important to understand where we came from so we can make improvements for the future. I'm making this poll so that hopefully I won't feel so alone in my situation.
Recently I've come to the realization that in the case of both my relationships, past and present, I chose the men out of an emotional NEED, not out of mutual compatibility, shared goals...you know, the NORMAL things people get involved in relationships for. Just a bit about my background, I was emotionally and physically neglected by my parents. They were (and are) workaholics-which is just as damaging as any drug, by the way-and left me at home by myself for hours at a time when I was as young as 5. As a result, I became very needy and fearful of abandonment by everyone else in my life. My school life was hellish, constant bullying, and my parents never did anything and even told me "everybody gets teased." I cried about it so many times and they never comforted me, or even noticed. I was so desperate for someone to love me, particularly in a romantic way. When I was 18, I found a man on the internet. He was 11 years older, no job, no degree, no future to be seen, and we had absolutely NOTHING in common except the fact that we were both only children who had been neglected by our parents. And therefore, desperate and needy. It could've been MUCH worse, I have to say. He could've been a psychopath. I could've been killed when I went to see him in Canada-he couldn't leave the country because he was there illegally living with this older couple. Anyway he eventually came to the U.S. to be with me and we were together off and on for four years. At the time I felt like we were so "close" but when it all boils down it was about neediness and lust, that's IT. And eventually my neediness and emotional instability drove him away.
I was single for about six months before I met my husband. I won't go into that whole story, but needless to say I repeated the same situation in that he is older, and though I care for him deeply, way below my potential. He is NOT the kind of person, in any way, that I would have chosen as my mate had I been emotionally strong and looking for a compatible partner. I think I've chosen older men (11 and 14 years, respectively) because I wanted a replacement for my dad. My dad was never there to protect me from the instability of my mother. I can only remember one time in my entire life he stood up for me, and that was fairly recently when I had a miscarriage and she told me to "get over it" because the baby was "only" seven weeks. :-(
Let me clarify when I say "bad relationships" I don't mean necessarily abuse or anything horrific. It could be that, or like in my case just unfulfilling and below your potential. I'm wondering how many people, like me, realize they got involved with people they normally wouldn't because they were looking for emotional validation. Again, I'm not blaming my parents for everything that's gone wrong in my life. I'm just seeing that due to them not being there for me when I was younger, it's shaped my personality and my view of myself. Somewhere along the line I determined that I was worthless because they didn't give me the support and consistency that a child needs from their parents. I realize many people have had it worse, with physical and sexual abuse, and my heart breaks for those children. But as mild as my childhood might have been in the spectrum, due to a naturally sensitive personality, genetics, and whatever else, it affected me deeply. I'm thinking about seeing a therapist for this, and now that I understand it and can face it head-on, I hope they can help me overcome my sense of worthlessness and have a happier life. I don't know how but maybe it's possible before I'm too old and it's too late.
First let me preface this by saying that I'm not putting all the blame on my parents. I know that I'm not the only one from a dysfunctional household, and not everyone in my case has made similar choices as I have. I believe in personal responsibility. However, I still think it's important to understand where we came from so we can make improvements for the future. I'm making this poll so that hopefully I won't feel so alone in my situation.
Recently I've come to the realization that in the case of both my relationships, past and present, I chose the men out of an emotional NEED, not out of mutual compatibility, shared goals...you know, the NORMAL things people get involved in relationships for. Just a bit about my background, I was emotionally and physically neglected by my parents. They were (and are) workaholics-which is just as damaging as any drug, by the way-and left me at home by myself for hours at a time when I was as young as 5. As a result, I became very needy and fearful of abandonment by everyone else in my life. My school life was hellish, constant bullying, and my parents never did anything and even told me "everybody gets teased." I cried about it so many times and they never comforted me, or even noticed. I was so desperate for someone to love me, particularly in a romantic way. When I was 18, I found a man on the internet. He was 11 years older, no job, no degree, no future to be seen, and we had absolutely NOTHING in common except the fact that we were both only children who had been neglected by our parents. And therefore, desperate and needy. It could've been MUCH worse, I have to say. He could've been a psychopath. I could've been killed when I went to see him in Canada-he couldn't leave the country because he was there illegally living with this older couple. Anyway he eventually came to the U.S. to be with me and we were together off and on for four years. At the time I felt like we were so "close" but when it all boils down it was about neediness and lust, that's IT. And eventually my neediness and emotional instability drove him away.
I was single for about six months before I met my husband. I won't go into that whole story, but needless to say I repeated the same situation in that he is older, and though I care for him deeply, way below my potential. He is NOT the kind of person, in any way, that I would have chosen as my mate had I been emotionally strong and looking for a compatible partner. I think I've chosen older men (11 and 14 years, respectively) because I wanted a replacement for my dad. My dad was never there to protect me from the instability of my mother. I can only remember one time in my entire life he stood up for me, and that was fairly recently when I had a miscarriage and she told me to "get over it" because the baby was "only" seven weeks. :-(
Let me clarify when I say "bad relationships" I don't mean necessarily abuse or anything horrific. It could be that, or like in my case just unfulfilling and below your potential. I'm wondering how many people, like me, realize they got involved with people they normally wouldn't because they were looking for emotional validation. Again, I'm not blaming my parents for everything that's gone wrong in my life. I'm just seeing that due to them not being there for me when I was younger, it's shaped my personality and my view of myself. Somewhere along the line I determined that I was worthless because they didn't give me the support and consistency that a child needs from their parents. I realize many people have had it worse, with physical and sexual abuse, and my heart breaks for those children. But as mild as my childhood might have been in the spectrum, due to a naturally sensitive personality, genetics, and whatever else, it affected me deeply. I'm thinking about seeing a therapist for this, and now that I understand it and can face it head-on, I hope they can help me overcome my sense of worthlessness and have a happier life. I don't know how but maybe it's possible before I'm too old and it's too late.
