when i was a bit younger i was in what was at that time the most magical romantic relationship of my life. an abnormal chain of events ended up with me going to a party one night with a guy i only knew slightly from a class i was taking. i was talking about my boy all night long (who could not attend the party) as we hung out with his friends, and was naive and stupid enough to go home with him. he wanted to cut my hair (it was shaved at the time and i'd been letting it grow a little). i agreed.
he offered me my first shot of absynthe, wormwood root and all and i half-jokingly agreed, saying i'd take it only as long as he promised not to take advantage of me. he'd expressed interest in me that night but i was telling myself it was still an innocent interaction between myself and a male friend.
a gal pal later told me that absynthe is more like a drug than alcohol. i won't blame what happened on that, but i do feel it played a part.
we started watching a movie and i let him take my clothes off, and as soon as he stuck his dick in me i freaked out. i mean you would think i needed to be put in a mental hospital the way i was carrying on, screaming, curled into a ball on his bed. i had just 'came to,' and realized what was happening and how destroyed my boyfriend would be. i grabbed my clothes, stumbled down the streets to my home. i dont remember even getting into my apartment or into bed but i woke up the next morning with my boyfriends kisses on my arms, sick that i could still smell the guys' cologne on my skin, saw the blood on my nipples from where he had bit me. i told my boyfriend what happened. we had until this point been expressly non-exclusive, but agreed we would do nothing without permission first. i knew he'd be destroyed, and he was. he broke up with me then and there, and i absolutely fell apart.
my boyfriend had major issues with cheaters, as his ex fiance had dumped him, and he'd found her the next day in bed with his BEST FRIEND! i brought back all those horrible feelings for him. he wrote me nasty letters, calling me a cum dumpster (really! a 30 year old man) and saying i had no self control.
six weeks later, after so much remorse and asking him to return to his love-filled patient forgiving self, we met by chance on the street one day and could not stop smiling. over time we got back together, but i ended up cheating (no sex but lesser things) over the next couple years, with a couple guy friends. things got messy. i was always told i was a sexual being, that i exuded sexual energy, but i was so naive. i let things happen, and maybe drew them to me subconsciously. it ended between us when he found the online affair that i'd recently ended out of guilt. a highschool friend was in iraq fighting the war, and what started as innocent fantasies of more beautiful paradises far away from the hell he was experiencing had turned into something sexual. i ended it and then my boyfriend found it. he moved out and we continued seeing eachother off and on till i finally left the country for a year on my own. he found someone else, and i am very happy for him. we're still friends.
years later and seeing what it did in that relationship, i'm extra careful in my current relationship. i have twice seen interactions with guys creating an inkling of a potential for romantic bloomings, and have explained to them immediately why i could not continue our friendship. i told them what happened in my past, admitted i felt an attraction between us and even though it was in infantile stages, did not want to risk it. i lost a couple friends, but it's all worth it, if it means not going through hell again, hurting myself and destroying someone else, destroying this beautiful relationship.
a friend once told me 'just because you cheated on jason (the first boyfriend) doesn't mean you're destined to cheat on everyone. but i do think you're destined to cheat on jason.' i tend to find that statement not so true. i have a tendency to attract boys. im not being arrogant i'm just stating what happens. it's the ability to go into situations wide eyed and avert trouble before it can be born that i've grown into, and that has proved a valuable weapon against adultery and heartache.
