The New Intimacy

Have you ever withheld sex as punishment or to get your way?

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Contributor: Linga Linga
Talking to my older sister recently and she told me that she had been withholding sex from my brother in law for weeks now, because she wanted to punish him for going out and getting drunk. I've never done this and it seems like a stupid thing to do. It would be just as much punishment for me as it would for my partner!
Has anyone else done this and why?
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
I'm female and....
HoneyHoney , rdytogo , Happy Camper , Darling Jen , Shellz31 , Tori Rebel , P'Gell , LikeSunshineDust , amazey , Taylor Von , MeliPixie , pinkcupcakes , Eden C. , Lucidity , PiratePrincess , liilii080 , Joie de Cherresse , indiglo , Bunnycups , Naughty Student , clp , C4ss , bunny love , NaughtyButterfly , Hadespark , potstickers , Alan & Michele , sbon , zeebot , Redboxbaby , Miss T , girl next door , SexyStuff , Mz.GreenEyez , jaimijacklin , VanillaCupcake , SexyTabby , Valentinka , Ajax , cburger , darthkitt3n , ninaspinkturtle , TumorCrunch , Selective Sensualist , tickle me pink , K101 , MaryExy , Rossie , Mommy2 , mandiegk , Midway through , sexyintexas , padmeamidala , FREE MR PERRY , purplekidney , sassyNsensual , Airen Wolf , Lithaewyn , yw2 , chidoll , BadassFatass , froggiemoma , IrishLassie , cujo467 , Persephone Nightmare , ss143 , DCorrelle , C-Rae , BBW Talks Toys , Bignuf , Stephanie Marie , Smitty , Kim! , Shorty32 , sarki , dezzydezire , unfulfilled , SilverIsis , CrystaCat , StarbucksAddict , RTC , Mistress Sassy , dragonn , sexxxkitten , bayosgirl , Ice1 , VelvetDragon , xOhxSoxScandalousx , Lady Bear , SouthernBelle , lovekink , All His , KrissyNovacaine , AliMc , SavingMyself , SecretKinksters
96
I'm male and....
WHITEMIKE , Lummox , Vaccinium , jakjak , Gunsmoke , Yoda , jjonk , Kindred , slynch , Checkmate , purplekidney , LennaKieran , CharlieBrown , jay28 , Stinkytofu10 , Lucky21 , Undead , gsfanatic , rockblenny
19
I'm other and....
shcoo
1
I have done this as punishment.
Mz.GreenEyez , jaimijacklin , Ajax , FREE MR PERRY , ayepapi! , Lithaewyn , chidoll , C-Rae , Bignuf , dezzydezire , woodsdragon , shcoo , Mistress Sassy , gsfanatic
14
I have done this to get my own way.
Happy Camper , Eden C. , SexyStuff , Mz.GreenEyez , ninaspinkturtle , ayepapi! , chidoll , Miss Anonymous , Stephanie Marie , CrystaCat , Mistress Sassy
11
I've never done this before.
rdytogo , Darling Jen , Shellz31 , zracer , WHITEMIKE , LikeSunshineDust , Vaccinium , Lucidity , PiratePrincess , Joie de Cherresse , indiglo , Bunnycups , C4ss , potstickers , sbon , zeebot , Yoda , eggiweg , Miss T , girl next door , ColorSplash , VanillaCupcake , cburger , *HisMrs* , darthkitt3n , TumorCrunch , Selective Sensualist , cherie2188 , K101 , slynch , MaryExy , Rossie , Mommy2 , Midway through , sexyintexas , Checkmate , padmeamidala , purplekidney , LennaKieran , Airen Wolf , yw2 , BadassFatass , froggiemoma , Persephone Nightmare , AOutrajus , DCorrelle , C-Rae , BBW Talks Toys , Smitty , Kim! , Shorty32 , jay28 , sarki , unfulfilled , Lucky21 , StarbucksAddict , dragonn , sexxxkitten , Undead , bayosgirl , Ice1 , VelvetDragon , xOhxSoxScandalousx , Lady Bear , Marziba , SouthernBelle , All His , KrissyNovacaine , SavingMyself , SecretKinksters , rockblenny
71
I would never do this, sounds stupid to me!
Shellz31 , Tori Rebel , P'Gell , amazey , Lummox , MeliPixie , pinkcupcakes , Lucidity , liilii080 , indiglo , Bunnycups , Naughty Student , clp , jakjak , bunny love , NaughtyButterfly , Hadespark , potstickers , Alan & Michele , sbon , Gunsmoke , jjonk , Redboxbaby , eggiweg , Ladywhitman , Miss T , AYoungMan , ColorSplash , Kindred , SexyTabby , Sweet-Justice , Valentinka , cburger , *HisMrs* , darthkitt3n , TumorCrunch , Selective Sensualist , tickle me pink , slynch , mandiegk , sexyintexas , purplekidney , Airen Wolf , BadassFatass , IrishLassie , Kilgorescowboy , cujo467 , Persephone Nightmare , CharlieBrown , ss143 , BBW Talks Toys , Smitty , Kim! , Cora Jane , sarki , Stinkytofu10 , unfulfilled , RTC , VelvetDragon , xOhxSoxScandalousx , Marziba , lovekink , All His , KrissyNovacaine , AliMc , SavingMyself , SecretKinksters
67
That sounds like a great idea to get what I want!
Other?
HoneyHoney , Taylor Von , Bunnycups , SexyStuff , ColorSplash , sassyNsensual , Lithaewyn , Retro , AOutrajus , kelaaa33wish , SilverIsis , xilliannax , Mistress Sassy , Lady Bear
14
Total votes: 293 (133 voters)
Poll is closed
02/28/2011
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Contributor: HoneyHoney HoneyHoney
Quote:
Originally posted by Linga
Talking to my older sister recently and she told me that she had been withholding sex from my brother in law for weeks now, because she wanted to punish him for going out and getting drunk. I've never done this and it seems like a stupid thing to ... more
I'm a girl and my partner has done this to me. He's so mean...
02/28/2011
Contributor: Happy Camper Happy Camper
I suppose I should have put Other because while I have not done this I know I would do this with specific things done. I don't think I'd do it because they got drunk or wouldn't take me out to dinner. But I would definitely do this if I thought they were being a jerk and I didn't feel like being close to them or catering to them. Especially if they were being an egotistical jerk. It's a reminder that they did something to earn my respect and love and time and while I care about them, I won't tolerate their bullshit. I don't ever anticipate running into this situation with my current partner but if me and one of my other crushes ever got together, I think we would do this to each other a lot.
02/28/2011
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
I've never done it and it wouldn't have worked. I had a much higher sex drive than my ex.
02/28/2011
Contributor: Shellz31 Shellz31
NEVER and NEVER will cause I just see that as punishing myself at the same time. In fact, I'd probably be hurting myself more!
I have a high sex drive so I'm not going to ruin sex time!!!
02/28/2011
Contributor: WHITEMIKE WHITEMIKE
Quote:
Originally posted by Linga
Talking to my older sister recently and she told me that she had been withholding sex from my brother in law for weeks now, because she wanted to punish him for going out and getting drunk. I've never done this and it seems like a stupid thing to ... more
I believe all women do this to a certain extent. men need sex in order to have a relationship, women need a relationship in order to have sex. (Roughly speaking)
So when women are not comfortable in their relationship, they will not be comfortable having sex.
The brother in-law is disrupting their relationship, by spending time with others, so the sister is withholding sex until she feels comfort in the relationship again. The husband has work to do. It shouldn't take weeks to fix.
02/28/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
First of all My Man and I don't play manipulative games with each other anywhere in our relationship. I think that destroys relationships.

I have been with My Man for 2 decades and have never used sex as a tool, either as a "punishment" nor a "reward."

Sex is fun, and an expression of our love for each other. There are times when one or the other of us don't feel like it, but honestly saying, "I'm not really in the mood right now. We'll try tomorrow morning." is a good way to handle this.

I think (and have seen from acquaintances who do this) that withholding sex as a manipulation tool leads to dishonest relationships which usually end badly. If you can't talk to your lover and best friend about why you are upset WHO can you talk to?

IMO, people who do this aren't mature enough to HAVE a lover.

Besides, why would I punish myself if I was pissed off at him? WHITEMIKE, dude, You are wrong! Many women NEVER do this to their lovers. I love sex as much as most men do. Women who do this don't deserve a good lover. It really pisses me off, because then men think all women do it, and it works against ALL of us. I know of few women in long term relationships who do this "withholding", because silly child like behavior like this destroy relationships.

Stupid thing to do.
02/28/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by WHITEMIKE
I believe all women do this to a certain extent. men need sex in order to have a relationship, women need a relationship in order to have sex. (Roughly speaking)
So when women are not comfortable in their relationship, they will not be ... more
You said: "I believe all women do this to a certain extent. men need sex in order to have a relationship, women need a relationship in order to have sex."

That is a rash generalization. One of the reasons I wanted to get married was to have a steady supply of sex. My Man feels the same way. I've had sex without "a relationship" (I think most women on this site have) and My Man has had relationships without sex (as have I,but they didn't last long for either of us) but to say women see it one way and men see it an other really isn't looking into the fact that many women have very healthy sex drives and THAT drives our relationships.

I love My Man. I adore him. I am IN love with him. But, if the sex hadn't been great, I'd have booked a long time ago, and he would have done the same. Neither of us would have withheld it, just ended a relationship where the sex looked like it wasn't going any where. Hell, I've broken up with guys because they were clueless on how to go Downtown on a woman. I can't LIVE without that. Loving sex isn't just a man thing.

Really. There are a lot of women out there who do not fall into the "using sex to get what they want" category.
02/28/2011
Contributor: Taylor Von Taylor Von
When I ask for help around the house and don't get it. Like dishes or picking up I will only hold for a couple days if need be to get my point across.
02/28/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
This sounds so cruel! If you are part of a BDSM or similar relationship, and depriving your partner of sex or other stimulation is part of your consentual play, then it's okay, but using it as punishment or to get your way is just mean and childish.

Besides that, in the end, unless you cheat on your partner, you're depriving yourself, too.
02/28/2011
Contributor: Eden C. Eden C.
I'm a horrible, horrible person, but yes. My girlfriend keeps burping really loud and farting on me. I mean, it's funny once in a while, but doing it constantly really is a turn-off! So when she asks for sex later, I just say, "Remember all those terrible farts you blew at me this morning?"
02/28/2011
Contributor: Vaccinium Vaccinium
My wife would laugh her ass off if I ever tried to do this. To use an analogy, it would be like telling a blind man that you're taking away his contact lenses.
02/28/2011
Contributor: Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
I am not built for withholding sex at all. I have threatened in a teasing way and my husband laughs hysterically at me. He tells me there is no way in hell that I will ever be able to withstand him. He is totally right! I would be the one to give in long before him.

Really though, we don't ever use sex as a punishment. That just seems childish.

I agree with P'Gell on this matter, "It really pisses me off, because then men think all women do it, and it works against ALL of us" and "many women have very healthy sex drives and THAT drives our relationships". SO VERY TRUE!
02/28/2011
Contributor: liilii080 liilii080
Why punish yourself by with holding?
02/28/2011
Contributor: Joie de Cherresse Joie de Cherresse
Quote:
Originally posted by liilii080
Why punish yourself by with holding?
Ditto! I wouldn't do this b/c it would be punishing me!! I'm too much of a sex fanatic for that!
02/28/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
First of all My Man and I don't play manipulative games with each other anywhere in our relationship. I think that destroys relationships.

I have been with My Man for 2 decades and have never used sex as a tool, either as a ... more
Ditto to this. Playing that kind of game will only harm a relationship. If there is a problem, it's much better to talk about it when you're both calm and work it out. Withholding sex to punish someone (or manipulate them in some other way) is stupid and immature. I totally agree with P'Gell.
02/28/2011
Contributor: Bunnycups Bunnycups
I wouldn't withhold sex as punishment, but if I'm fighting with my partner I wouldn't have sex because I'd be mad and not in the mood.
I think withholding sex to get what you want is manipulative and not loving at all. In fact, I believe that to be extremely unhealthy in a relationship. My ex-fiance used to do this. He would try to make me feel undesirable if I didn't go along or give in to what he wanted. When you love someone, you don't try to manipulate and control them.
02/28/2011
Contributor: clp clp
Withholding sex as punishment for an unrelated matter is an extremely bad idea. Not only does your partner feel hurt and confused (how the hell are they supposed to know why you are doing it?), it shows that you cannot rationally deal with your own pain/frustration and have immature ways of expressing it. If you are upset and don't want sex, that is perfectly fine (let them know that!), but intentionally withholding will only make a bad situation worse.

You don't 'train' your partner. They aren't a dog that needs a choke-leash or a child that needs time-out. You have to treat your partner as an equal and as you wish to be treated--ultimately, isn't that the whole point?

Gah, this tactic grates my nerves to bits!
02/28/2011
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by clp
Withholding sex as punishment for an unrelated matter is an extremely bad idea. Not only does your partner feel hurt and confused (how the hell are they supposed to know why you are doing it?), it shows that you cannot rationally deal with your own ... more
To borrow an old expression RIGHT ON! That ages me I know - but it first perfectly.

Thanks for sharing your insight!
02/28/2011
Contributor: WHITEMIKE WHITEMIKE
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
You said: "I believe all women do this to a certain extent. men need sex in order to have a relationship, women need a relationship in order to have sex."

That is a rash generalization. One of the reasons I wanted to get married was ... more
It was a generalization. A rough one. In general, women are more emotional, and this is not sexist, it is brain formatting. They need to feel comfortable in their relationship. Women who hold out are communicating the wrong message.
03/01/2011
Contributor: WHITEMIKE WHITEMIKE
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
You said: "I believe all women do this to a certain extent. men need sex in order to have a relationship, women need a relationship in order to have sex."

That is a rash generalization. One of the reasons I wanted to get married was ... more
I don't think you read the whole post, sorry for any confusion. It has nothing to do with how much you love someone. It is about communication. Holding out is bad communication which many couples have early in their relationship. I said many, not all. Another generalization.
03/01/2011
Contributor: NaughtyButterfly NaughtyButterfly
I would never, it's silly & I wouldn't last a day
03/01/2011
Contributor: bunny love bunny love
No, I'd rather talk to him about it and explain why I'm upset about something rather than simply withholding sex.

We sometimes joke about withholding sex from each other if we're playing a game together (not a sex game - something like Peggle or Settlers of Catan). We're both competitive and love to talk smack during games.
03/01/2011
Contributor: sbon sbon
I wouldn't do this. It is much healthier to communicate and work out your problems than to resort to any kind of punitive measures.
03/01/2011
Contributor: zeebot zeebot
Quote:
Originally posted by sbon
I wouldn't do this. It is much healthier to communicate and work out your problems than to resort to any kind of punitive measures.
Definitely agree with you.
03/01/2011
Contributor: Eden C. Eden C.
Quote:
Originally posted by sbon
I wouldn't do this. It is much healthier to communicate and work out your problems than to resort to any kind of punitive measures.
It really is, I just sometimes feel powerless when communication doesn't work.
03/02/2011
Contributor: jjonk jjonk
its just mean
03/02/2011
Contributor: Happy Camper Happy Camper
Quote:
Originally posted by Eden C.
It really is, I just sometimes feel powerless when communication doesn't work.
This. If the disagreement is something important enough to me and not a matter of getting taken out to dinner, but like...finding out he cheated or won't get tested or is just acting like a complete asshole for whatever reason, diminishing my profession or something like that. Then these are the times I would consider it.

Granted, it's a mixture of saying there are consequences for douchebaggery and just being turned off. By all means, talking it out should be the first thing you do but if things are still shit, by all means don't feel obligated to sleep with the person.
03/02/2011
Contributor: SexyStuff SexyStuff
Its more like if we are fighting we are not in the mood.
03/02/2011
Contributor: ColorSplash ColorSplash
Virgin here but I don't think thats right wouldn't it be awesome to have rough sex?
03/02/2011