Help! He misses his ex!

Help! He misses his ex!

dbm6907 dbm6907
My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years now. This past Christmas he bought me an engagement ring and told me he wanted to get married. He talked about it all the time, calling me is fiance and picking out his best man and whatnot. I was so happy. But last week I found a picture of his ex on his phone, and he denied any wrongdoings. In an effort and ease my mind, he got onto his phone account to block her number, where I found that they contacted eachother numerous times over the course of three days. Needless to say, I asked the ex what the deal was and my boyfriend had been texting her about how much he missed her and the "old times" that they had. They had never met in person, because she wanted nothing to do with him. I am heartbroken, but my boyfriend insists that he loves me and wants to be with me the rest of his life (which I believe him). I just don't understand how he can miss an ex from over 6+ years ago, when I have been here through thick and thin with him. Any advice?
02/01/2012
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Quote:
Originally posted by dbm6907
My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years now. This past Christmas he bought me an engagement ring and told me he wanted to get married. He talked about it all the time, calling me is fiance and picking out his best man and whatnot. I ...
if he is doing this now, im sorry to say this and i dont wanna hurt your feelings, but he is going to continue to do this.

Talking to other girls is either acceptable or not. Make a stand and stick to it.
02/03/2012
Ansley Ansley
OK here's how I would react in this situation.

1. I wouldn't believe anything the "ex" had to say about the situation because if she's in cahoots with him, she's going to lie to you. She doesn't owe you the truth.

2. It's actually quite normal for a man to start freaking out when marriage is on the table and he starts taking inventory of things. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it would be something he and I would be having frequent discussions about.

3. I would then start paying very close attention to the words he uses. Does he talk in "I" statements or does he talk in "we" statements when it comes to "the future"? How is our sex life doing? Does he get frustrated with me easily when I ask questions requiring more than a yes or no answer? Has he stopped doing the little things like touching me for no reason or bringing home something from the store he thought I would like?

I would then bring up all of the things I noticed that changed and I wouldn't give in until he tells me how he honestly feels. If marriage is making him freak out, then he's not ready and we would need to address it. But, marriage isn't a make it or break it for me, so my approach may not work for you.
02/03/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Some things don't ring true about what you are being told by both of them (first of all, I would have NEVER contacted an Ex of My Man's for any reason. It's just asking for trouble, and you'll most likely be lied to and just end up upset.)

You said, "They contacted each other numerous times..." Then you said, "She wanted nothing to do with him...." Why did she take his calls or respond to his texts? When someone contacts me who I want no contact with, I simply don't respond at all. If they "contacted each other" and/or she was responding to his calls or texts, then she's lying to you about not wanting anything to do with him. Is is HER fault? No. It's up to him to disconnect from her, as he's the one who gave an other woman (you) an engagement ring.

I don't know your boyfriend. I honestly don't think using words like "Us" as opposed to "I" make much of a difference (My Man does this a lot, and we've been together more than 20 years.) Don't get into examining every minute detail because doing that will not only drive you crazy, but will eventually cause you to start questioning everything. How did you "find" a pic of her on his phone? How did you know they contacted each other. I've been with my husband for decades and I NEVER go through his phone or his belongings. Why? I'm an adult and I don't feel the need to snoop. Why did you feel you need to treat him like he's already doing something wrong?

How does he treat YOU is important. If he's calling exes just to say "Hi" I'd be a little concerned, but contacting them to tell them how much he misses them is a HUGE red flag.

You and he need to discuss this with NO accusations. Marriage is for adults, if neither of you can act like adults (if he's lying and if you're snooping through his things and searching for hidden messages in the things he says and does) neither of you are ready for marriage. Even if one of you (Him?) aren't ready for marriage, it should wait. Even if you are being completely rational and adult, if he's acting like a teenage boy, it is not time to make a serious adult commitment like marriage.

Good luck. And please don't call his ex again. It reeks of teen drama. You may have to be the adult here and calling the ex isn't an adult thing to do.

You may have some serious decisions to make. You can't force him to grow up.
02/03/2012
dbm6907 dbm6907
Thank you for all of your input! My significant other and I are in the process of handling things, so we will see how it goes!
02/03/2012
Total posts: 5
Unique posters: 4