Hi everyone. I know I disappeared for awhile, and it wasn't for the good reasons like travelling or a new job.
I was planning to move to the West coast and out of Iowa, but things fell through. I met a man around that time who blew me away with his charm, brilliance, interests, sex appeal, everything. I looked him up on the court website and saw he had several public intox counts (ok, it's hard to get that in a rural town unless you're being REALLY STUPID), and THREE DUIs (same). Nothing violent, but he was a felon. I ignored it.
We were inseparable, which is unusual for me as I enjoy my autonomy. Little did I know, I wouldn't have the luxury of such things for a good while. He started making little jokes about where I went, what I was doing, and his "How did your day go" questions began to have an agenda. He was very sly and good at manipulation and I didn't see it coming. He lied about the fact he was an engineer--he even gave me his ex-employer's business card. He told me he had "time off" and also worked from home, but I ran into a friend who asked if he'd found a job yet or was still on unemployment!
So eventually he sabotaged my job as an online dominatrix out of jealousy. Then I applied at the local bar we hung out at, but he eventually caused so many fights and issues with patrons and me that I got fired. So I was living with him and fully at his mercy, exactly how he wanted it.
Our sex life was insane. He didn't offer me a safeword and I knew if I'd asked he wouldn't listen to it anyway. He wouldn't even allow the discussion--at first, we played very very lightly and I was ok with it, but he started introducing SERIOUS stuff like knife play, choking, raping, biting to draw blood, until I honestly didn't know what was rape and what was consensual.
He had sex with me when I mentioned I was really sore, pressured me and intimidated me to go off of birth control pills, enjoyed hurting me not only for sexual gratification but his own sick sadistic desires and I was so scared to stop it because his anger happened so suddenly (sometimes because he was insecure about our relationship as he was 43 and I'm 26, sometimes because he was stressed out, sometimes drank a lot, sometimes to play games in which I could never win).
The anger would cause him to spring on me while I was naked, tear my hair out in chunks, throw me across the room only to land on my head, slam my head over and over into hard furniture, punch me, slap my face/ear, chase me around, pin me down, and once he dug his fist into the pressure point behind my jaw right under my ear, pushing down to one side as hard as he could for three minutes until I answered him "correctly." I still have headaches and jaw pain a month later and the doctor might have me get physical therapy.
Anyway, I finally am doing what I need to press charges as of 10 days ago. I found out later it's his SECOND domestic violence charge--the first being only in 2007! If I'd seen that, I would've run a long time ago.
He was insane. He took my books away if he thought I deserved to go to bed alone and without any entertainment to "think about things." Or my iPod or phone when he was watching tv but felt I was "ignoring him." Mind you, if I payed attention to him he brushed me off.
He did so many awful awful psychological, sexual, physical things to me on a daily basis. He yelled at me that it was my fault that he "had" to beat on me because I didn't know how to talk things out (fights he provoked or made up as I sat there cowering---I never once talked back to him or said a rude word or was even impatient!), saying I might be "carrying HIS SON" and needed to stop acting that way so he wouldn't have to respond by beating on me basically. He is 6'3" and built for combat, has huge ribs/bones/jaw and literally doesn't feel pain that I can tell. I'm 5'10-11" with tiny tiny bones. He's a monster, and many men are afraid of him. When he did a "slit your throat" gesture and pointed at me through a restaurant window was when I called my mom and a friend and they called the police and got my stuff out of his place and the nightmare---I thought---ended.
I miscarried all alone. When a knock comes at the door I grab a knife and sit in the corner shaking. When I see someone who looks like him I start to shake violently. Every night I have nightmares, I have amnesia, I'm panic-stricken. My roommate, someone I once dated, and I reconnected through the aftermath of this since he took such good care of me and advocated for me to the police, the doctor, everyone. However even him kissing me sends me into a state of panic sometimes, so no sex for me for awhile I guess. I thought a month was enough time, but it isn't. I have no insurance as of my 26th birthday and live in rural area, so until and unless I get money from suing this bastard, I can't get any therapy. My kidney issues are back because of all the stress and fear, I think, and my fibro is out of control. I get migraines daily. The thought of vanilla sex has been as appealing as a friendly hug to me for as long as I can remember, but even fantasizing about BDSM activities freaks me out so much that I cry after masturbating (embarrassing..)...so I just don't do it anymore. I have reviews overdue, too, but can't bear to try out toys that remind me of the abuser's huge thickness and how much he used his size to hurt me.
Thanks for reading and PLEASE, if you have any advice, I'm listening. I am so depressed because he forced me off my Wellbutrin and gabapentin and then I was off them preparing for pregnancy. Now I'm pill-less entirely, it's cold and dreary in the Midwest, the days are long, my savings are running out, and I'm too scared to even go anywhere unless I cab it/bus it/get a ride to the next town. Running into him is inevitable and dangerous. I'm also super scared of the court situation. They have texts where he admitted it, a witness of my bruises, the fear I displayed when the police initially came to my rescue, a medical report, and my own very detailed report of each little detail. I wonder if they will sentence him or if I will have to have a trial? I'm scared because he's totally one of those guys who'd try to kill me outside the courtroom that you hear about.
You are really brilliant, thoughtful, helpful, beautiful people and I thought I'd come to you. Sorry I posted a damned novel but I wanted to explain it. It's not like me to fall into this trap, but this was confusing, the lines were blurred, and he was GOOD at manipulation.
I was planning to move to the West coast and out of Iowa, but things fell through. I met a man around that time who blew me away with his charm, brilliance, interests, sex appeal, everything. I looked him up on the court website and saw he had several public intox counts (ok, it's hard to get that in a rural town unless you're being REALLY STUPID), and THREE DUIs (same). Nothing violent, but he was a felon. I ignored it.
We were inseparable, which is unusual for me as I enjoy my autonomy. Little did I know, I wouldn't have the luxury of such things for a good while. He started making little jokes about where I went, what I was doing, and his "How did your day go" questions began to have an agenda. He was very sly and good at manipulation and I didn't see it coming. He lied about the fact he was an engineer--he even gave me his ex-employer's business card. He told me he had "time off" and also worked from home, but I ran into a friend who asked if he'd found a job yet or was still on unemployment!
So eventually he sabotaged my job as an online dominatrix out of jealousy. Then I applied at the local bar we hung out at, but he eventually caused so many fights and issues with patrons and me that I got fired. So I was living with him and fully at his mercy, exactly how he wanted it.
Our sex life was insane. He didn't offer me a safeword and I knew if I'd asked he wouldn't listen to it anyway. He wouldn't even allow the discussion--at first, we played very very lightly and I was ok with it, but he started introducing SERIOUS stuff like knife play, choking, raping, biting to draw blood, until I honestly didn't know what was rape and what was consensual.
He had sex with me when I mentioned I was really sore, pressured me and intimidated me to go off of birth control pills, enjoyed hurting me not only for sexual gratification but his own sick sadistic desires and I was so scared to stop it because his anger happened so suddenly (sometimes because he was insecure about our relationship as he was 43 and I'm 26, sometimes because he was stressed out, sometimes drank a lot, sometimes to play games in which I could never win).
The anger would cause him to spring on me while I was naked, tear my hair out in chunks, throw me across the room only to land on my head, slam my head over and over into hard furniture, punch me, slap my face/ear, chase me around, pin me down, and once he dug his fist into the pressure point behind my jaw right under my ear, pushing down to one side as hard as he could for three minutes until I answered him "correctly." I still have headaches and jaw pain a month later and the doctor might have me get physical therapy.
Anyway, I finally am doing what I need to press charges as of 10 days ago. I found out later it's his SECOND domestic violence charge--the first being only in 2007! If I'd seen that, I would've run a long time ago.
He was insane. He took my books away if he thought I deserved to go to bed alone and without any entertainment to "think about things." Or my iPod or phone when he was watching tv but felt I was "ignoring him." Mind you, if I payed attention to him he brushed me off.
He did so many awful awful psychological, sexual, physical things to me on a daily basis. He yelled at me that it was my fault that he "had" to beat on me because I didn't know how to talk things out (fights he provoked or made up as I sat there cowering---I never once talked back to him or said a rude word or was even impatient!), saying I might be "carrying HIS SON" and needed to stop acting that way so he wouldn't have to respond by beating on me basically. He is 6'3" and built for combat, has huge ribs/bones/jaw and literally doesn't feel pain that I can tell. I'm 5'10-11" with tiny tiny bones. He's a monster, and many men are afraid of him. When he did a "slit your throat" gesture and pointed at me through a restaurant window was when I called my mom and a friend and they called the police and got my stuff out of his place and the nightmare---I thought---ended.
I miscarried all alone. When a knock comes at the door I grab a knife and sit in the corner shaking. When I see someone who looks like him I start to shake violently. Every night I have nightmares, I have amnesia, I'm panic-stricken. My roommate, someone I once dated, and I reconnected through the aftermath of this since he took such good care of me and advocated for me to the police, the doctor, everyone. However even him kissing me sends me into a state of panic sometimes, so no sex for me for awhile I guess. I thought a month was enough time, but it isn't. I have no insurance as of my 26th birthday and live in rural area, so until and unless I get money from suing this bastard, I can't get any therapy. My kidney issues are back because of all the stress and fear, I think, and my fibro is out of control. I get migraines daily. The thought of vanilla sex has been as appealing as a friendly hug to me for as long as I can remember, but even fantasizing about BDSM activities freaks me out so much that I cry after masturbating (embarrassing..)...so I just don't do it anymore. I have reviews overdue, too, but can't bear to try out toys that remind me of the abuser's huge thickness and how much he used his size to hurt me.
Thanks for reading and PLEASE, if you have any advice, I'm listening. I am so depressed because he forced me off my Wellbutrin and gabapentin and then I was off them preparing for pregnancy. Now I'm pill-less entirely, it's cold and dreary in the Midwest, the days are long, my savings are running out, and I'm too scared to even go anywhere unless I cab it/bus it/get a ride to the next town. Running into him is inevitable and dangerous. I'm also super scared of the court situation. They have texts where he admitted it, a witness of my bruises, the fear I displayed when the police initially came to my rescue, a medical report, and my own very detailed report of each little detail. I wonder if they will sentence him or if I will have to have a trial? I'm scared because he's totally one of those guys who'd try to kill me outside the courtroom that you hear about.
You are really brilliant, thoughtful, helpful, beautiful people and I thought I'd come to you. Sorry I posted a damned novel but I wanted to explain it. It's not like me to fall into this trap, but this was confusing, the lines were blurred, and he was GOOD at manipulation.
