How to move on after severe domestic violence?

How to move on after severe domestic violence?

(Re)tired Stripper (Re)tired Stripper
Hi everyone. I know I disappeared for awhile, and it wasn't for the good reasons like travelling or a new job.

I was planning to move to the West coast and out of Iowa, but things fell through. I met a man around that time who blew me away with his charm, brilliance, interests, sex appeal, everything. I looked him up on the court website and saw he had several public intox counts (ok, it's hard to get that in a rural town unless you're being REALLY STUPID), and THREE DUIs (same). Nothing violent, but he was a felon. I ignored it.

We were inseparable, which is unusual for me as I enjoy my autonomy. Little did I know, I wouldn't have the luxury of such things for a good while. He started making little jokes about where I went, what I was doing, and his "How did your day go" questions began to have an agenda. He was very sly and good at manipulation and I didn't see it coming. He lied about the fact he was an engineer--he even gave me his ex-employer's business card. He told me he had "time off" and also worked from home, but I ran into a friend who asked if he'd found a job yet or was still on unemployment!

So eventually he sabotaged my job as an online dominatrix out of jealousy. Then I applied at the local bar we hung out at, but he eventually caused so many fights and issues with patrons and me that I got fired. So I was living with him and fully at his mercy, exactly how he wanted it.

Our sex life was insane. He didn't offer me a safeword and I knew if I'd asked he wouldn't listen to it anyway. He wouldn't even allow the discussion--at first, we played very very lightly and I was ok with it, but he started introducing SERIOUS stuff like knife play, choking, raping, biting to draw blood, until I honestly didn't know what was rape and what was consensual.

He had sex with me when I mentioned I was really sore, pressured me and intimidated me to go off of birth control pills, enjoyed hurting me not only for sexual gratification but his own sick sadistic desires and I was so scared to stop it because his anger happened so suddenly (sometimes because he was insecure about our relationship as he was 43 and I'm 26, sometimes because he was stressed out, sometimes drank a lot, sometimes to play games in which I could never win).

The anger would cause him to spring on me while I was naked, tear my hair out in chunks, throw me across the room only to land on my head, slam my head over and over into hard furniture, punch me, slap my face/ear, chase me around, pin me down, and once he dug his fist into the pressure point behind my jaw right under my ear, pushing down to one side as hard as he could for three minutes until I answered him "correctly." I still have headaches and jaw pain a month later and the doctor might have me get physical therapy.

Anyway, I finally am doing what I need to press charges as of 10 days ago. I found out later it's his SECOND domestic violence charge--the first being only in 2007! If I'd seen that, I would've run a long time ago.

He was insane. He took my books away if he thought I deserved to go to bed alone and without any entertainment to "think about things." Or my iPod or phone when he was watching tv but felt I was "ignoring him." Mind you, if I payed attention to him he brushed me off.

He did so many awful awful psychological, sexual, physical things to me on a daily basis. He yelled at me that it was my fault that he "had" to beat on me because I didn't know how to talk things out (fights he provoked or made up as I sat there cowering---I never once talked back to him or said a rude word or was even impatient!), saying I might be "carrying HIS SON" and needed to stop acting that way so he wouldn't have to respond by beating on me basically. He is 6'3" and built for combat, has huge ribs/bones/jaw and literally doesn't feel pain that I can tell. I'm 5'10-11" with tiny tiny bones. He's a monster, and many men are afraid of him. When he did a "slit your throat" gesture and pointed at me through a restaurant window was when I called my mom and a friend and they called the police and got my stuff out of his place and the nightmare---I thought---ended.

I miscarried all alone. When a knock comes at the door I grab a knife and sit in the corner shaking. When I see someone who looks like him I start to shake violently. Every night I have nightmares, I have amnesia, I'm panic-stricken. My roommate, someone I once dated, and I reconnected through the aftermath of this since he took such good care of me and advocated for me to the police, the doctor, everyone. However even him kissing me sends me into a state of panic sometimes, so no sex for me for awhile I guess. I thought a month was enough time, but it isn't. I have no insurance as of my 26th birthday and live in rural area, so until and unless I get money from suing this bastard, I can't get any therapy. My kidney issues are back because of all the stress and fear, I think, and my fibro is out of control. I get migraines daily. The thought of vanilla sex has been as appealing as a friendly hug to me for as long as I can remember, but even fantasizing about BDSM activities freaks me out so much that I cry after masturbating (embarrassing..) I just don't do it anymore. I have reviews overdue, too, but can't bear to try out toys that remind me of the abuser's huge thickness and how much he used his size to hurt me.

Thanks for reading and PLEASE, if you have any advice, I'm listening. I am so depressed because he forced me off my Wellbutrin and gabapentin and then I was off them preparing for pregnancy. Now I'm pill-less entirely, it's cold and dreary in the Midwest, the days are long, my savings are running out, and I'm too scared to even go anywhere unless I cab it/bus it/get a ride to the next town. Running into him is inevitable and dangerous. I'm also super scared of the court situation. They have texts where he admitted it, a witness of my bruises, the fear I displayed when the police initially came to my rescue, a medical report, and my own very detailed report of each little detail. I wonder if they will sentence him or if I will have to have a trial? I'm scared because he's totally one of those guys who'd try to kill me outside the courtroom that you hear about.

You are really brilliant, thoughtful, helpful, beautiful people and I thought I'd come to you. Sorry I posted a damned novel but I wanted to explain it. It's not like me to fall into this trap, but this was confusing, the lines were blurred, and he was GOOD at manipulation.
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Chilipepper Chilipepper
Where is he? I can get a group together and have him tied face down in a yard of chicken shit and covered with urine by every female I know. Don't think I can't, I've had to participate in a Crone Revenge.

My ex-step-father was also an expert manipulator, so I can understand how you 'fell into the trap' and found yourself unable to get out. I'm so glad you got out, but I'm also angry that he put you through so much to the point of you fearing for your life and emotionally scarred.

Please, keep close to those who love you and they understand that this guy's a rabid dog who needs to be shot. You need protection and healing more than ever.

*many hugs and lots of prayers of healing*
wetone123 wetone123
Oh girl. I've been thinking about you and wondering where you were! I'm so unhappy to hear this has happened to you. Like Chilipepper, I want to exact some revenge on him! He didn't deserve your love. I wish I could stretch over the miles and hug you; protect you.

I'm glad you have someone to lean on in this time of trouble. Keep close to them. You need proper love and care. Try to get your body and mind healed, then deal with putting this monster away. It will take some time; I know, but you are strong and will eventually get over what this bastard did to you. I will be sending waves of love and healing your way.
(k)InkyIvy (k)InkyIvy
I'm truly sorry for what you went through. I've experienced abuse, but nothing as extreme as what that creature did to you.
The only advice I can offer is give it time. Talk about it with people you trust. Learn to defend yourself. It will take quite a while for you to feel sane again, but it'll get easier.
I myself have sworn that if a man ever hits me again, the relationship is immediately over, and I will do my best to beat the hell out of him. Sadly, I still flinch when someone moves their hand toward me (especially my face) quickly, even if it's someone I know would never hit me. Just take it a day at a time. You're incredibly strong. You survived what many people wouldn't. Now, it's time to focus on healing yourself. You have the support of so many people.
(Re)tired Stripper (Re)tired Stripper
Chilipepper, I know you don't realize but I admire you so much and kinda-sorta-a little bit stalk you, so your response really validates me and makes me feel great. Thank you for your hugs and prayers, it really means a lot and I can use love and maybe a little divine assistance right now. "Rabid dog who needs to be shot" really sums up my feelings and a lot of people's feelings about him (nevermind all the victims he had who never stepped forward, and the ONE single brave woman before me who brought him down via the legal system).

It's nice to see someone "gets" the whole master-manipulator thing, because it's hard when you KNOW you're smart as hell and some asshole pulls one over on you with their "grooming" and their creepy abuse cycles. It was made even more muddled with the whole BDSM undercurrent that quickly took over.

And your revenge scheme made me sadistically chuckle--that would tear down his dominant, vain facade in a snap! The bugger's still in the same town as me (tiny town too), but hopefully he'll land his skinny as in the slammer--the officer working on my case says he has great evidence. His third felony should get him some good time in there. That bastard should think of his 9-year-old daughter. I met her so early on in the relationship (I was against it, he only has her every other weekend, but I relented) and we got along perfectly, she looked like she could be my daughter, was a sweet brilliant kid...too bad 30%+ men who abuse partners go on to abuse their own children....I'm scared for her; in a couple years she gets to choose to live with Daddy and since Daddy puts on such a good face for her, I KNOW she will choose him. I think I remember you posting about meeting an SO's child(ren), but I'm not sure. It hurts the kid so much...she was asking about me according to everyone. Poor thing.

wetone, I know, too, that you commented on my reviews/profile (I think) about where I'd been, glad to see me back--it made me feel great as well. You know, I'm so so hard on myself...I keep thinking, "Damnit, girl, it's been A MONTH! GET WITH IT! Get back to lifting weights, doing yoga, eating right, drinking protein shakes and taking vitamins and getting to bed early and being social and chipper and productive and and and..." That's kinda my personality though. Thank you for the healing love, very much.

You are right; I feel so fortunate to have someone who is so adamant about caring for me right now. I am being as gentle as possible with him, and he with me, but it's not easy. I am moody and freak out over seemingly odd things, so I know I'm not easy to live with. My birthday was just the other day and he took me out to the first & only dim sum place in my town (I grew up in a huge city, miss it muchly), got me coffee and dessert, took me shopping, even watched Glee at home because it was too damned freezing rain to go out. It made me feel better because most of my birthday was taken up with running to the Sprint store to find out the police need a subpoena to get text messages from my phone (WTF, why didn't the officer KNOW this?), then going back to the station and answering questions and just lots of unpleasant things. I was supposed to have a party at the old place I tended bar, but since Jackass of the Year hangs out there, I refrained from going.

Thank you ladies so so much, I must be more vulnerable than I thought but your words have made me break down a little and cry--probably something cathartic I need more of, huh? Your responses mean a lot to me right now.

He systematically torn down my friendships and made familial relationships difficult, so my support network has only a handful of wonderful people--people I feel like I've exhausted with my issues. I hate laying too much on loved ones knowing I can't do much right now to give back because I'm a mess, you know? Or maybe I'm too submissive and need to take a little and stop worrying about giving so much! I am a nurturer of the highest degree; maybe it's time for me to allow myself, as wetone said, to let myself be healed.

I will definitely keep this thread updated with any new developments regarding legal matters or run-ins with that monster. I will have to celebrate once he is locked up and I can enjoy my old haunts once again, and breathe freely knowing he's not going to find me (though he will be locked up two miles away from my house!).
Chilipepper Chilipepper
*even more hugs*
Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
I have not been in your shoes so I can't speak from experience.

I wanted to point out a couple of things though and I hope I come across ok.

First of all- have you grieved over all that's happened? I mean - its going to take time for you to grieve your losses - the life you thought you'd have - the part of you that you gave up for him, etc. etc. etc. Understand that it is going to take you a lot of time to grieve for those "losses" - including the miscarriage (even if you might not have wanted the baby after all you went through).

Secondly - give yourself permission to take time to get through this. What he did to you did not happen in a day, a week or a month. It also touched more than just your physical body - it sounds like he reached into the very core of who you are and damaged you there. It will take time to recover.and you shouldn't just be going, "Well its been X amount of time...I should be better." You'll have good days and you'll have bad days.

Get a support system of loving and caring people around you - it sounds like you're doing that already. It also sounds like you have lots of folks on here who care about you - stay in touch with them!

Finally, while he did victimize you - don't let him make you his "victim" the rest of your life.

It sounds like you went through hell and you need help coming back. But at some point you will need to move on and not let yourself be his victim for the rest of his life or your life. You don't want to give him that power over you. Make decisions that are good for you in spite of things he may have said and/or done.

I'm sorry for what you went through. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
(Re)tired Stripper (Re)tired Stripper
Thanks, Chilipepper !

TexasMama, THANK YOU. That is really good advice, and good thoughts. I had half-formed thoughts similar to what you pointed out, but now I know what I need to do--be gentle on myself, not victimize myself, and allow myself to grieve at my leisure. I've been through a lot throughout childhood and after 15 years of age my life went crazy. I never allowed myself to grieve anything, so I'm new to this, and it hurts and it's very raw and vulnerable and I don't like those feelings!

But I understand the necessity. I am now reading through the stages of grief one must go through in the aftermath of abuse and finding it very helpful. I appreciate that a lot. The miscarriage thing is so confusing--I wanted the child, I wanted a tangible, breathing, living manifestation of the amazing parts of the relationship if that makes sense. But I also knew it'd be very tumultuous and I am in no condition to raise a child (though if I became pregnant, I would just woman up and deal with it). So there are a lot of things to grieve! I am going to utilize the DV advocates/hotlines/cen ters that the police gave me info regarding.

I have to remember I am loved. Today was a very rough day, but I am determined not to let that scum ruin my Saturday night. I am thinking about heading to my old bar with my roommate (male), and a group of friends. I have a lot of other buddies at the bar. It's salsa night on Saturdays and I miss it a lot.
Jul!a Jul!a
for you

I am so sorry to hear that this happened, and I had also wondered where you had gone. I don't really have any unique advice so I guess I'll echo what everybody else has been saying. Welcome back to the community, and I look forward to seeing you around more. You are a strong woman, and you will make it through.
Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
That man should be killed...slowly.

That being said, I've been in a similar position. The first man I ever loved was an incredibly charming, sociopathic, abusive manipulator. He lured me in with charm, isolated me, made me feel too worthless to leave, and then did whatever he pleased with me, for two years. He kicked me in the belly wearing a doc maarten boot when I got pregnant with his child when I was 18. And here's the thing - I'm a smart girl and I was then too. I was independent even before him and incredibly strong - and it happened to me too.

Recovery from something like this is a long, long road Honey and you're going to need all the help you can get and learn to take things a day at a time right now, even an hour at a time for a while. There is no way to rush this and in all honesty, it shouldn't be rushed to truly heal properly.

You are clearly showing signs of PTSD which I'm sure you realize and that can take a very long time to treat or get in control of but it can be done. Prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law because it's the safest way to keep him away from you. And then go find help - if your insurance runs out, contact any and all local (public or privately run) domestic abuse assistance agencies. They should be able to provide counseling for no charge or at least a far lesser fee. They will also be able to offer you other resources to help you just handle your life in general right now because when something this traumatic happens, getting out of bed in the morning is a major accomplishment. Just because you aren't staying at a women's shelter doesn't mean the resources offered by them won't be available to you. They can also help you, if need be, essentially hide for a time. Most facilities have good security and provide anonymity (no sign out front, no one can just walk in, etc.) because men do come after women who are prosecuting them. There is probably too much involved in recovery as a whole for you to even realize right now and that's ok. There is no rush and you need to do this in your own time. Right now, work on day-to-day stuff. Don't look too far ahead, lean on who you can, and get all the help you can. There are plenty of people willing to help you and unfortunately to heal from something like this fully on your own just may not be feasible. You're going to have to grieve what you lost of yourself, grieve over the loss of a relationship (even if it was awful), and process through the PTSD and learn some coping skills in order to move forward. It's one day, one hour, one breath at a time.

But it is DOABLE and it is WORTH IT. You can and will have a normal life again, and then a normal relationship again. But you can't rush it and you can't be worried about things that far off right now.

It took years for me to stop looking over my shoulder for the man that said he would come back when I was happy later on, and kill my husband and whatever children I may have at the time. But while at first it was constant, within a year it was occasional, within a few years, I went weeks and then months without so much as thinking of him. He was a sick, evil, son of a bitch that tried to ruin me but I don't hate him anymore. I forgive him and I've moved on and had two long term relationships since then. One was abusive but not nearly to the same extent, the other was very good but didn't work for other reasons (as is the case with most relationships). The PTSD will most likely never entirely go away - but it's vastly different and under control 98% of the time. It's a matter of recognizing your triggers and again, just working through it.

Get all the help you can from people that specialize in the kind of therapy and assistance you need and don't worry about when this whole thing will be done with. I know it's absolutely horrible and you just want it to be over with entirely but right now you need to focus on the simple things, and deal with today. You can deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

js250 js250
I am very sorry you had to go through that, and also very proud of you for getting out, STAYING OUT, and pressing charges. Get back on your Wellbutrin and Gabapentin!!!!! There are programs to help with the costs!! Go to the Pfizer website and download and fill out the form for reduced/free meds. Heightened anxiety is also a side effect of stopping this med, can last for about 2-4 years. Ok, lecture over, sorry.

Master manipulators are very intelligent and are able to slowly wean you away from friends and family. They tend to choose strong, independant women to 'overpower' mentally and then once you are broken down and mentally dependant upon them they start with the physical abuse. By that time, you are out of money, resources, friends and family and are now physically and emotionally dependant on them. They are very self righteous, self centered and tend to blame everything on someone else. Their high intelligence level (weather they use it or not), assures a game of mental chess for them not allowing for the fact that they are hurting another human being. You stop being a person with feelings to them and just an object of prey. Thank you for putting this one behind bars and saving other women and possibly his daughter!!!!!

One month is not long enough to heal, it is long enough to start second guessing and learning to act-not react. While you were with him you became a reactor, reacting to his stimulus, good and bad and adjusting your own mental and physical state to deal with his feelings and emotions.You lost your own natural responses and feelings subconsciously, you were too busy being in the survival mode. Your natural responses will come back, a bit different and you will be a lot smarter and stronger than you were previously. You will now know what the triggers are in an abuser. Do not repeat the pattern, some people have reverted to a devil you know situation. It is harder to change yourself then to remake yourself stronger. I did that. Now I am staying strong and building myself back, it is a real bitch, I want to give up because it is so scary not to know who I am going to be. I want to be who I was prior to the situation and that person was naive and trusting of the wrong person/people.

One thing I found that helps me is to take the whole negative and turn it into a positive. Yes, this happened, how do I use it to benefit others? I talk to abused women, help them gain their confidence and set goals and let them know that, yes, very intelligent and independant women can be suckered by an abuser, too. There is so much more I want to say, I suck at typing, so am going to go for know. PLEASE message me if you want to talk or if there is anything I can do for you. I am here to help and care!!

Stay strong, build new relationships with friends, forgive him (don't forget), any anger and emotions you carry for him still gives him a hold over you and is damaging over the long run, pray and listen if you believe in God, but most importantly, take time for yourself-no deadlines on how you should be feeling, thinking, doing by a specific time. It all takes time and effort. Hugs, hugs, kleenex, and more hugs!! I am thinking about you and will probably write more again. I want to help!!

Now, wrap your right arm over to your left shoulder, take your left arm and wrap it to your right upper ribs. Squeeze hard! You have just been given a hug from all of us who care and support you. Repeat as necessary and smile!!!
(Re)tired Stripper (Re)tired Stripper
Oh my goodness you guys.... I am crying here, good crying (I think!). Today is a hard day. I read your posts earlier but I was so busy with dealing with the case, my family, looking for a lawyer, having some severely bad physical and mental moment the past couple days.

Sam, thank you so much. I really appreciate it, and it's nice to know I was missed .

Tori, what you wrote cut me to the core. I'm so sorry you dealt with that. And yeah, everything I have read from you indicates a strong, independent, tough-as-nails woman. Smart, too, obviously. That's how I am--so it's crazy when we get worked over by these forces of destruction, these monsters. I'm so sorry you went through what you did, and I am so thankful and appreciative that you gave me all the advice. I'm trying to be good to myself and take it slowly and be patient. I'm not that kind of person, y'know? I am a perfectionist, type A. But trying. And I will definitely ask the officer on my case to get me some info about reduced cost/free therapy. Thanks for the tip. It's awful knowing I'll live with PTSD to some degree likely forever (I already was abused as a teen by an older guy and then with the unmedicated bipolar ex husband, I have some bad residual PTS but it's intense now!). Thanks for your response, so much, it means so much.

js, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! As for the pills, my kidneys aren't doing so well and my last doctor checkup (post quitting the pills) as well as my last psych check up...well, they said going back on them would help alleviate the anxiety and depression BUT my kidneys would pay the price. Unfortunately I have a pretty yucky kidney issue and Gabapentin is rough on the kidneys while Wellbutrin is rough on cortisol...mine is super high already and my kidneys are in stage two of kidney disease already, so I am trying to make a hard decision and the doctors don't really want to TELL me what to do, they want to offer options... I wish someone with medical authority would just make the decisions right now, haha. But wow--didn't know the residual anxiety could last that long after discontinuing the drugs!! Thanks!

Thanks for validating me like that, js, in the bit about how abusers "work." It's him down to the exact detail, and I feel stupid and worked-over, but those are NOT useful feelings right now! I'm proceeding with the case, the subpoena has been obtained to get the incriminating texts from my phone to use as evidence...with his third felony he will be away for a long long time. THANK YOU so much, I am so glad you've given me such impeccable advice (and you don't seem to suck at typing, haha!). The bit about him training my reactions and me in survival mode--so true. And I was thinking about after awhile working in some capacity--volunteer or otherwise--women who have been abused. Your words were very inspirational, thank you.

All of you are fantastic women, thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart (which thankfully still is huge and has an enormous capacity for love even after all of this!).

Last night was hard I wanted to go back with him. My sexuality is all messed up, and I was missing the good things we had--because of course when it WAS good, it was the best relationship I'd ever had. Otherwise I'd have left immediately, right? So, yeah, yesterday, I struggled with the phone in my hand. I was having bad cramps (which reminded me of the miscarriage), I ran into a table accidentally and got a bruise in a spot where he always bruised me to punish me... my head/jaw pain was bad... it was cold and rainy and dark.... and I was in a bad spot. I was in such physical pain that I took double doses of my muscle relaxer and my painkiller, which isn't the road I want to go down.

Today is a little better, but I'm still in a LOT of pain in my neck/jaw and am going down to the doctor today to see if they can do anything more for me....Taking it every day at a time. Someone who owes me a few hundred dollars is paying me back in a few days, and my father gave me a birthday check, and will do so on Christmas too. So money isn't worrying me right now. The little things... and yes, GETTING OUT OF BED is an achievement some days. I put up my lights and Christmas tree, am wrapping presents tomorrow. I did my shopping at the mall all by myself the other day, after taking a jog by myself and getting coffee by myself--a HUGE feat.

Oh and the little outing at the bar I used to tend? Where I hung out with that asshole? Everyone was awesome and sympathetic. We all moved over to the other bar in town and I did karaoke. It was nice to feel accepted in a place I thought of as "his turf."

Anyway, I will update. Thanks again, ladies.
Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
Just wanted to say you're in my thoughts and prayers today. It sounds like you're getting a bit stronger and that is great.

One thing I did when I was in the midst of my depression was to tell myself that when a depressive episode hits - I allow myself ONE day in bed (if need be). But the next day I HAVE to get up and do 3 things. It can be any 3 things - making the bed counts as one - going for a walk counts as one - whatever. But I had to get up and get moving.

I found once I did those three things - whatever they were for that day - sometimes I just quit for the day - othertimes I kept on going and felt better.
(Re)tired Stripper (Re)tired Stripper
TexasMama, that is super awesome, super easy advice that I'd never have thought of--let alone ALLOWED myself. I'm actually in bed right now because I had some sad thoughts and needed to curl up (plus it's 25 mph wind and cold right now).

It was making me feel lazy and pathetic and useless but I realized I wrapped half of the presents today, took a walk, and caught up via Google Chat with an old friend. I keep feeling like I need to organize/catch up on hobbies/clean all the things (sorry, silly webcomic reference).

Thanks a lot, that is really helpful.

Other news, for anyone who's been there or could imagine it, I've been running into a weird problem that's causing me a ton of shame, which I hate because it's a useless and detrimental emotion right now.

But anyway, whenever I'm out walking or whatever, or in bed before I sleep, or any time really (I'm on my beginning of my third cycle off the Pill and my libido is insane, it was already high) I think about sex and it ALWAYS is sex with him in my mind... see, thing is, it's probably normal for some people but for me it's SUPER weird because EVERY other person I cast out of my mind sexually once I end things. Usually the SAME day I end them, or hell BEFORE I end them but start thinking about ending things.

So he's taken all of my fantasies hostage. My old standby porn or erotica just changes into his face, his words, and it's immensely painful for me because I'm so ashamed, even the sexual things he did that I hated at the time are fodder for my fantasies.

My problem is usually a wandering eye, as it were. So this is weird. Going to the bar, the mall, ANYWHERE with random attractive people and NOTHING NADA just not interested. Ever since the first day I met him it's been like that. Yeah, it was GOOD and he was skilled and actually a thoughtful lover when he was not being abusive. But I've been with older men before, too, and admittedly they get me going, but it's not that.

I feel like he pretended to be super super crazy compatible sexually, but it seemed creepily natural, and I've been at the BDSM thing long enough to sniff out the fakes--so I thought. Or true actual sadists are what I'm looking for but sadly not abusive sadists? True sadists with really wide cocks who aren't creeped out by my taboo thoughts and fantasies.

I want to stop thinking of him EVERY time I'm remotely turned on. This crying after masturbating thing is lame.
(Re)tired Stripper (Re)tired Stripper

The case is likely to be dropped. The officer told the county it was "several months ago" that the incident occurred (nevermind that it has NOT been several months AND there were MANY incidences; another officer I spoke with told me the statute of limitations is a year and I REALLY should press charges which is why I attempted to do so).

Officer Asshole basically said, "Well, I'm not saying you are lying, and I'm not necessarily saying it didn't happen." I started sobbing hysterically and he hung up basically.

This horrible abuser was JUST convicted of domestic violence in 2007! And had ANOTHER felony in 2008-2009. He violated parole many many times. He has many many counts on his court record, I forget numbers, about 30. He is a criminal and yet there is not enough "physical evidence."

Yeah well guess what, abusers purposely try to not mark victims where others will see it. I had a very very very detailed account of what happened to me, I had a witness for my bruises, I had a doctor's report, x-rays, a diagnosis, incriminating texts from the abuser---which they never even bothered subpoenaing afterall because there is no real case apparently.

I'm am so shattered. I acted in away I never do. I punched holes in walls until my fists were bleeding. I sat catatonic for hours after screaming hysterically for I don't know how long. I swallowed the remainder of my meds, made a martini, and I know it was stupid but it DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING.

I didn't sleep tonight. I am crushed. I am empty. I can't find a job here nor do I have money to relocate. I'm too tired, too sick (kidney disease, fibro), too mentally destroyed by all of this to figure anything out. My college education won't help me at all. My resume has many holes in it. I'm too sick to work, is what it comes down to. I cannot get back into the sex industry because being touched or talked to sexually triggers me immensely. No bars are hiring bartenders around here. I live in the middle of nowhere.

Roommate and I were going to move to California and now I find out we're to live with his brother and his fiancee with all of my stuff in storage for god-knows-how-long. Roommate knew this all along, didn't care to tell me. I'll have to find a job right away which will be hard with no car of my own living in rich suburbs of northern California with shit for resume and lots of physical and mental issues.

I feel exhausted. It's easier to to give up. There is no pleasure in food, sexuality, exercise, socialization, any of the things I used to enjoy. I know those are the signs of depression. I've been on anti-depressants and I'm labelled treatment-resistant and yet no doctor will get creative with prescriptions (for instance Tramadol helps me immensely with depression but no doctor will prescribe it off-label).

So I give up I am HORRIFIED at how this was handled. I'm just....done. I don't know what to do.
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Unique posters: 8