How would you feel if you found out your longterm partner still kept his ex-lovers pictures and videos (nudity ones) on his computer?

Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Update :

I finally talked to him when he got home about everything. We were laying in bed and I said I needed to talk with him about something that needed to be discussed. I was very calm and collected. I didn't raise my voice. I didn't curse. I calmly told him that I was cleaning the room to make it our own and in his closet, I found things from his ex-girlfriend that he still had.

I said that we were going to discuss this like adults and not get angry (he gets angry easily..). I used a very calm and collected voice the entire time. I asked him why he still had the belongings of his ex-girlfriend after two years and moving four times.

He called me a bitch, jealous, and very insecure. He said that I always do this and always nit pick at everything to destroy our relationship. He said we already discussed this and he thought that we already got over it. (I had found her gloves sitting on a desk table in his room and he said that he forgot they were there and doesn't get rid of things).

I asked again why he decided to keep her belongings if it was over between them in a very calm voice. He started to yell and compared my dead father's belongings to hers. He said that it was someone he cared about and why should he throw out anything. I cannot believe that he even put his ex-girlfriend in my dead father's comparison. I was very, very hurt. I didn't cry. I didn't want him to see me cry.

He again decided to keep yelling and saying that I treat him like a child and I am trying to sabotage our relationship with how jealous and insecure I get. He kept on repeating that he doesn't throw anything out because he doesn't seem to see the reason to.

I asked him if I were to have pictures/videos/belong ings of my ex-boyfriends and kept them around for years, how would he feel? He said that he wouldn't care because he doesn't get jealous or childish like I do.

He got angrier and angrier. He again said that if it mattered to me that much, I should throw out my dead father's belongings. He said that he feels like I don't trust him and he is disappointed in me, as he was yelling and cursing. He finally said that I am the cause of all our fights and always want to fight about something. I had to leave the room and take a walk to find my own zen.

I guess it didn't go as well as I would have hoped. I kept my cool and didn't raise my voice. I stayed calm the whole time but it just seemed like everything he was saying to me.. he was trying to hurt me. He was trying to make me cry and make me feel bad. He doesn't feel the need or understand where I am coming from and doesn't want to get rid of anything because "it isn't a big deal" and apparently I am making it a big deal.

Yeah.

05/09/2012
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by LusciousLollypop
Update :

I finally talked to him when he got home about everything. We were laying in bed and I said I needed to talk with him about something that needed to be discussed. I was very calm and collected. I didn't raise my voice. I ... more
Hugs, honey.

I can see where he's coming from (because, like I said, before this morning I would have been totally blindsided by a partner thinking that having pictures was hurtful)---but that's no excuse to elevate things, to get angry, or to use hurtful argument tactics against you instead of listening.

I hope your walk went well.
05/09/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
Hugs, honey.

I can see where he's coming from (because, like I said, before this morning I would have been totally blindsided by a partner thinking that having pictures was hurtful)---but that's no excuse to elevate things, to get ... more
My walk went well. I needed to get some fresh air.
05/09/2012
Contributor: MissCandyland MissCandyland
Oh LuciousLollypop....I am so sorry to hear about this! I would be devastated!
05/09/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by MissCandyland
Oh LuciousLollypop....I am so sorry to hear about this! I would be devastated!
I kinda am. He keeps on asking me how long I'm going to be mad. It isn't mad.. it is upset. I am upset. I guess I need to get over being upset.
05/09/2012
Contributor: KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
Quote:
Originally posted by LusciousLollypop
I kinda am. He keeps on asking me how long I'm going to be mad. It isn't mad.. it is upset. I am upset. I guess I need to get over being upset.
Sometimes space and time are what is needed, and I kind of am hearing that you both may need it.
05/09/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by KrissyNovacaine
Sometimes space and time are what is needed, and I kind of am hearing that you both may need it.
Yeah.. I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight.
05/09/2012
Contributor: Zombirella Zombirella
Wow, that really is a shame. I'm shocked that he would compare your things from your FATHER to her? That is your father, that is disrespectful of him. That was your FAMILY, your blood, HALF of you! Oh I really would slap him if I lived close enough to you, lol, seriously right across the face! It isn't right for him to blame it on you and not take responsibility for it. I mean it is over, she is gone, moved away. He is with you now, it's not asking too much for him to get rid of the crap! She shouldn't matter anymore. It would be like a knife in my gut to see pictures of my fiance having sex with an ex, I don't want to see that and he doesn't need to keep it around.
Questioning him isn't childish either, you have a right to and it doesn't make you a bitch either.

I don't know, some of us have different expectations of what is okay and not in our relationships. Where some of us aren't okay with it, others are. But when it comes to loving and caring for someone, wanting to make a future with them then getting rid of some dang dirty videos and pictures of an ex should be something they will do without ranting and raving. He doesn't really even need to talk about her or bring her up, especially if talking about something she did well or whatever, like making you feel inferior or like you have to compete with someone long gone.

I wish I had advice on what to do next but I'm horrible at that part. If something doesn't work the first time like that I would probably be sitting here crying my eyes out calling my mom or my grandma (lol, lame I know) but I just feel like I can really let it all out to them as opposed to any of my friends. But I'd probably be texting my best friend too. I find it hard to control myself in situations like that were someone throws constant insults at me, I would have flew off the handle after the first few times and asking him not to say it again and he did. My fiance called me a bitch once and I told not to ever call me that again. I know I can be a bitch but that is hurtful coming from him and I feel disrespected as opposed to some random person calling me a bitch. He hasn't said it again. He has said I'm acting like one, but never said "Jessica, you're a bitch." Call me an asshole if he wants, but bitch, NO.

Hopefully someone else will have some good input. The only thing I can think of is to bring it up again, or think about how much it bothers you and if you can accept it if you want to stay with him.

Have you said anything along the lines of considering leaving if he doesn't get rid of the stuff? I don't know if that is something you should do, I'd wait and see what others say. I don't want to give an idea that may make things worse.

I was really hoping to see something good come out of it for you.
05/09/2012
Contributor: asphyxia asphyxia
Yikes LL! I'm so sorry!! His reaction sucks! It's definitely not "your fault" for being hurt by HIS actions (keeping her things) and wanting to talk to him about how it bothers you! Your reaction is perfectly normal and reasonable! You handled it with dignity and class. He's being defensive and unfair to you! I hope he can step back and realize that and make amends!! I think you're definitely doing the right thing by taking some time to cool off and allowing him time to think about what an amazing girl he has and how his idiotic behavior is jeopardizing the relationship! Keep us posted! Huge hugs!!
05/09/2012
Contributor: ksparkles16 ksparkles16
Ya, that's totally not cool! I would be really pissed...I am really pissed...where does he live? lol
05/09/2012
Contributor: gloomybear gloomybear
i would be enraged
05/09/2012
Contributor: voenne voenne
Oh, wow. That is just ridiculous! Caring about someone means you keep their nude photos, videos, and their lingerie!? I can't believe he would make the comparison to your father. That is the lowest of the low.

Your reaction is NOT jealousy, immaturity, or insecurity. It is a legitimate response, and being "mature" does not mean having to be okay with something like that. You -were- being mature about it. Sorry, but he is the childish one.

I really hope for the best, whatever the outcome be. As hard as it is, it's always best to separate for a while instead of continuing to push buttons. I'm glad you're taking time to cool off.
05/09/2012
Contributor: BlooJay BlooJay
Quote:
Originally posted by LusciousLollypop
Update :

I finally talked to him when he got home about everything. We were laying in bed and I said I needed to talk with him about something that needed to be discussed. I was very calm and collected. I didn't raise my voice. I ... more
I'll just say that if he was keeping this from you, he was keeping it from you for a reason. He probably knew you'd have a problem with it and chose to hide it to not hurt your feelings. From my experience, I had no problem getting rid of things from my ex-girlfriends (this isn't to say that he should be like me, because everyone is different). But there is no reason I should have anything from an ex-girlfriend anyways.
05/09/2012
Contributor: jennifur77 jennifur77
Quote:
Originally posted by LusciousLollypop
How would you feel if you found out your longterm partner still kept his ex-lovers pictures and videos (nudity ones) on his computer?

In my case.. my longterm boyfriend "bragged" and showed me his "ex-girlfriend" file on ... more
Wow! I'd be super upset. I would want to know exactly WHY and would probably break up with him!
05/09/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by asphyxia
Yikes LL! I'm so sorry!! His reaction sucks! It's definitely not "your fault" for being hurt by HIS actions (keeping her things) and wanting to talk to him about how it bothers you! Your reaction is perfectly normal and reasonable! ... more
@Asphyxia,

Yeah, his reaction wasn't the greatest. I was hoping it would go better. Thank you for telling me that I handled it with dignity and class. You are very sweet. I hope he understands and realizes that he majorly fucked up and needs to apologize.
05/09/2012
Contributor: Geogeo Geogeo
I think it's disrespectful and insulting to show you that and think it's cool.
05/09/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by ksparkles16
Ya, that's totally not cool! I would be really pissed...I am really pissed...where does he live? lol
@Ksparkles16,

Nebraska. I get the shovel, you get the sledgehammer?
05/09/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by voenne
Oh, wow. That is just ridiculous! Caring about someone means you keep their nude photos, videos, and their lingerie!? I can't believe he would make the comparison to your father. That is the lowest of the low.

Your reaction is NOT ... more
@Voenne,

It is ridiculous. I am really upset he even brought up my father. That is so disrespectful, I can't even tell you. Taking time to cool off is best. xoxo
05/09/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by Zombirella
Wow, that really is a shame. I'm shocked that he would compare your things from your FATHER to her? That is your father, that is disrespectful of him. That was your FAMILY, your blood, HALF of you! Oh I really would slap him if I lived close ... more
@Zombrilla,

I know, right? He has no right to even mention my father. That is the ultimate disrespect. He was TRYING to hurt me. He does this when we fight. He tries to get me upset and cry. I don't know why. Thank you so much for replying. You did make me feel better. I'm pretty sure I should have slapped him now that I think about it. xoxo
05/09/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by BlooJay
I'll just say that if he was keeping this from you, he was keeping it from you for a reason. He probably knew you'd have a problem with it and chose to hide it to not hurt your feelings. From my experience, I had no problem getting rid of ... more
@BlooJay,

I'm glad that one guy in the world knows what is up. He wasn't even keeping everything from me. I found the lingerie by myself but he showed me the nude pictures/videos of his ex-girlfriend in a folder on his computer. It was a large folder. I got pissed then and asked why he even still had that. It was porn. I don't mind porn. Porn is fine. It isn't fine when you know the person and still keep it around after two years. Wish he was more like you and just would throw the shit out.
05/09/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by jennifur77
Wow! I'd be super upset. I would want to know exactly WHY and would probably break up with him!
@Jennifur77,

I still want to know EXACTLY WHY. All he said over and over is that there is no reason to throw anything out because it isn't a big deal. I want to know more.
05/09/2012
Contributor: BlooJay BlooJay
Quote:
Originally posted by LusciousLollypop
@BlooJay,

I'm glad that one guy in the world knows what is up. He wasn't even keeping everything from me. I found the lingerie by myself but he showed me the nude pictures/videos of his ex-girlfriend in a folder on his computer. It was ... more
Also, if he thinks you are 'jealous' and 'insecure', why would he show you nude pics of his ex. Sounds kind of mean in my opinion. Like he wanted a reaction out of you.
05/09/2012
Contributor: Vegan Silk Vegan Silk
Its not just that he had pictures of an ex that he is showing me, and I'm upset. What about the girl in the pic? does she know he's showing her pics to other people???

even if it is your ex, you don't do that to someone.
05/09/2012
Contributor: Sex Positivity Sex Positivity
Oh, LL, I'm so sorry. This sounds like a really hideous situation.

And I know you're not asking for my advice, but may I tell you a story? I was once in a relationship very similar to yours. He kept keepsakes from his one meaningful ex girlfriend and I stumbled upon them one day. We had a pretty extensive history of pretty loud arguments - he had a nasty temper.

When I brought up the stuff I had found, the arguments just got worse and worse, but I stayed with him. It lead to him eventually beating me on a fairly regular basis. Your situation sounds volatile, but I don't know every detail. Please, please, consider seeing a counsellor about your relationship, because it could potentially escalate to physical violence. Your safety is most important.
05/09/2012
Contributor: LusciousLollypop LusciousLollypop
Quote:
Originally posted by Sex Positivity
Oh, LL, I'm so sorry. This sounds like a really hideous situation.

And I know you're not asking for my advice, but may I tell you a story? I was once in a relationship very similar to yours. He kept keepsakes from his one meaningful ... more
@Sex Positivity,

Thank you so much for your story. It really has opened my eyes. Thank you also for caring so much. It really means a lot to me.

xoxo
05/09/2012
Contributor: xOhxSoxScandalousx xOhxSoxScandalousx
Omg..what a freakin' ass! I can't believe he said all those things. And calling you a bitch whoa? He deserves a nice swift kick in the ass! You must have felt so hurt. It kinda sounds like he is feeling a bit guilty. Now he is trying to turn all this around on you like it's all your fault and this is something YOU did. Typical guy. Lol. You were so calm, cool, and collected. I can't believe he treated you like crap. Your father is worth tons more than a stupid ex girlfriend. What an idiot to compare the two. If he really did try to compare the two then something must be going on! A father is super important and you have a special bond with them. Why the fuck is this chick that special? He has you now. Does he not see how hurt you are?

You're not overreacting. You're not doing this out of insecurity or jealousy. That is outrageous to me. This isn't normal. This isn't some porn star he gaga's over. This is an ex. Someone that should be put back far deep in the past. She shouldn't matter anymore. She honestly shouldn't even be a thought in his head at this point. He needs to focus on his relationship with you and his future with you. He's putting you down to raise himself up. It seems like he's trying to cause arguments to stir away from the real issues at hand because he's hiding something and he knows you're right. Hopefully he will see how wrong he is soon and apologize and finally rid himself of that chick forever! Him comparing her to you sounds like he really isn't quite over her yet. What a shame. You truly are an amazing person who deserves better than that!

I hope and pray things get better for you! Maybe he will come around soon. Thanks for the update. I wondered how you were doing earlier today. *Hugs* Hang in there! It's not over yet.
05/09/2012
Contributor: bayosgirl bayosgirl
Ok, I just read the entire thread, and I am so, so sorry that this ASS is treating you this way. First of all, I completely understand your feeling upset over the pictures and the lingerie. I actually think you handled it very, very well. I would've gone ballistic.

Secondly, he called you a bitch? He compared his ex-girlfriend to your deceased father? Oh HELL no! I don't know the history you and your boyfriend have (I hesitate to give him the dignity of that title), but if it were me, in light of this whole situation I would seriously move on. He is showing NO regard to your feelings whatsoever. If he cared about you at all, he'd delete the pictures and throw out the lingerie ASAP.

I know there are some Eden members who disagree, but I personally think that any 'momentos', whether sexual in nature or not, indicate that someone has not moved on. I took my first relationship falling apart really hard and held on stuff from my ex for awhile after we broke up, but it was all long gone by the time I got serious with my husband (then-boyfriend.) Of course, the memory of him is indelibly recorded in my mind, but I try not to think about him too often. Keeping his stuff would definitely be an insult to my husband and who I am today.

I hope he does apologize and change his ways, but the cynic in me thinks he never will (as most people don't.) How do you know he's not contacting this ex of his? I would proceed with extreme caution. And take care of yourself.
05/09/2012
Contributor: wrmbreze wrmbreze
Quote:
Originally posted by LusciousLollypop
@Jennifur77,

I still want to know EXACTLY WHY. All he said over and over is that there is no reason to throw anything out because it isn't a big deal. I want to know more.
If it's not a big deal, why not throw it away?
05/09/2012
Contributor: wrmbreze wrmbreze
First off, I am so sorry that he blew up like this
Second- You were not being a bitch or immature by telling him how you felt in a calm manner- He was all those things.

I think you should tell him that after this you're not going to say another thing about it. Your father's things are important to you because HE WAS YOUR FATHER!

I asked my husband about this and for someone who isn't very emotional and stuff just doesn't bother him a lot-( and I am totally not telling you this to piss you off or upset you in any way)

My hubby says- Your boyfriend is an ass and you should dump him. He totally missed the point of your conversation.

( I am not saying you should really dump him but there should be some serious reevaluation of your relationship)



Seriously, I feel like he is trying to sabotage your relationship but place the blame squarely on your shoulders if you break up. If nothing else you should maybe talk to someone to get your feelings out and help you to deal.
I wish I was near so I could give you a great big hug and him a smack upside his head but I will settle for >
You didn't deserve how he treated you and I hope you don't take any of the blame on yourself. You should never feel bad for telling someone you love how something they did made you feel. I know this because things my husband has done unconsciously have hurt me and it took many many years before he understood where I was coming from. He is not a very feeling person and has trouble understanding other people's feelings. He used to think if something he did or said hurt my feelings that it was my fault for interpreting it in a way that hurt my feelings. He understands now that you can't always help how things make you feel and that the responsibility isn't mine alone for those feelings. We both need to own it.

Sorry for this really long post- I hope everything works out the way that you want.
05/09/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Wow...this guy. He's the one who is throwing around emotional abuse. To even bring up your father in a conversation about a past relationship, regardless of the context, is completely out of line. Looks like he was throwing everything but the kitchen sink at you. Cut him loose. You deserve better. No ifs, ands, or buts about girl.
05/09/2012