How would you feel if you found out your longterm partner still kept his ex-lovers pictures and videos (nudity ones) on his computer?

Aw, I feel so special right now. Just been there-done that, that's all. My husband and I are expert arguers in our relationship.

Seriously, LL this is about you. Not him. You are not wrong to feel the way you do. Let us know how it goes, ok? I'll be thinking of you. less

@wrmbreze,

LOL.
"AND totally the wrong thing to say -Oh, you can have a folder on my computer too...BITCH, I will wipe your whole DAMN computer"

Yeah.. that wasn't very smart of him. He does need to go to relationship bootcamp.

I loved your rant, totally okay! Vent it all, baby. less

I used to have a little shoe box full of pictures and trinkets from my relationship with my ex. When I came to accept the fact that our relationship was over for good (we'd had a 2 year long on-again, off-again relationship) I went through it. I picked out 1 or 2 photos to keep (they were photos of happy times), and the 1 gift he'd ever given me (a cd), and either threw away or gave back the rest of it.
I feel like keeping naked photos, pornographic videos, and lingerie from a past relationship indicates that someone hasn't really moved-on. Maybe I'm wrong. Everyone's different. *shrug*
I think if I discovered my partner had a stash of photos/videos or lingerie from his ex, I'd be upset and a little worried/confused... But that's just a guess.
Honestly though, it was really therapeutic to go through that old box (folder, suitcase, etc) and look at things, remember the relationship, then get rid of it and move on with my life. less

One of my old boyfriends kept stuff of his exes' and had a hard drive full of photos. I stumbled on it once when I was getting some movie files or something he had downloaded for me - I saw a folder with my name on it, so naturally I looked at it to find all my photos (even ones I didn't know how he got since I had not given them to him), and was too chicken to find out the contents of the other folders. It bothered me a great deal, but I was young and afraid of confronting him so I never said anything. He talked about his exes so much it was ridiculous. If this happened to me again, now, I would not be as forgiving. I never keep things from exes- I move on with my life, and I don't want to be with someone who has that much baggage. I can understand keeping some nice photos that may remind you of happy times in your life, but what your boyfriend has been keeping sounds a little too obsessive.

Good luck with your situation! Please stick up for yourself, because it can hurt you in the long run if you don't. less

Contributors wiser than I have already given some excellent advice, so I'm just waiting on the outcome of THE TALK...

eta: Never be scared to talk about anything. Looking back and asking, "Why didn't I say something?" is a hundred times more painful then getting the truth out in the open now. less

@Voenne,

I bet it bothered you a great deal. I'm young and I'm honestly pretty scared to even talk to him about it all. I know I need to and I'm going to discuss everything with him when he gets home in a quiet and zen atmosphere. I stand up for myself, don't worry. I just needed some advice on this particular issue. I get on his ass for a lot of things. I love him and don't want to change him but if he is living with me, there has to be a give and take with certain things. Thanks for your advice. xoxo less

How would you feel if you found out your longterm partner still kept his ex-lovers pictures and videos (nudity ones) on his computer?

In my case.. my longterm boyfriend "bragged" and showed me his "ex-girlfriend" file on his computer with numerous videos and pictures that were totally graphic in content.

I was pissed, big surprise. I don't want him fapping over his ex-girlfriend. I want him fapping over me. They broke up over two years ago. TWO YEARS. And he still has pictures and videos of her? I am probably being way protective and territorial but it was pretty much a big slap in the face in my opinion.

Side note : I finally got our room situated so it is livable (he is messy) and folded, cleaned, the works. What should I find in a suitcase? Lingerie of his ex-girlfriend. REAL Photos of his ex-girlfriend. Belongings of hers. I seriously haven't even told him that I found them. It was a huge fight when he showed me the other stuff on his computer.

I know I sound SUPER protective, but this really ticked me off. The question is.. if your longterm relationship partner did this to you or was even hiding it from you, would you be upset and angry or would you be totally okay with it?

Let the voting begin! less

How would you feel if you found out your longterm partner still kept his ex-lovers pictures and videos (nudity ones) on his computer?

In my case.. my longterm boyfriend "bragged" and showed me his "ex-girlfriend" file on his computer with numerous videos and pictures that were totally graphic in content.

I was pissed, big surprise. I don't want him fapping over his ex-girlfriend. I want him fapping over me. They broke up over two years ago. TWO YEARS. And he still has pictures and videos of her? I am probably being way protective and territorial but it was pretty much a big slap in the face in my opinion.

Side note : I finally got our room situated so it is livable (he is messy) and folded, cleaned, the works. What should I find in a suitcase? Lingerie of his ex-girlfriend. REAL Photos of his ex-girlfriend. Belongings of hers. I seriously haven't even told him that I found them. It was a huge fight when he showed me the other stuff on his computer.

I know I sound SUPER protective, but this really ticked me off. The question is.. if your longterm relationship partner did this to you or was even hiding it from you, would you be upset and angry or would you be totally okay with it?

Let the voting begin! less

You aren't being crazy protective at all girl! For most people, that stuff is NOT acceptable and he should know better whether he wants to play dumb or not. I never had videos or pictures of exs like that but if I did they would have been deleted, especially when I got into a serious relationship with someone else.
Maybe he forgot about the suitcase, who knows. I know my guy is forgetful about stuff. But if he didn't and he just chose not to get rid of that stuff after you discovered the computer content then that is just disrespectful to you since you expressed how you felt about that stuff already.
I know some people think oh, it's just a picture or just a video but the fact that he had an intimate real relationship with her makes that different. It isn't just porn, it's personal and that isn't cool.
I know from a legal standpoint that it isn't right but when I am completely honest with you, I would throw that shit in the garbage, all of it. I'd tell him what I found and that I took care of it, I kept the suitcase that was HIS but the rest of it, no. To me in my mind, if he cares about you then he should cause a big blow out about it. He isn't single, he has a woman right there to look at so there is no need for those photos or her dirty lingerie.
I would sit down with him and discuss this, go with your gut feeling about it.
I just can't believe he 'bragged' to you, I mean what the heck is the point of doing that?! It's mean and disrespectful.
You're beautiful, I hope you can work this out and do what is best for you. You know him best so you can't base all your actions and thoughts on what we say you should do here. I'm sorry he did this rude crap to you. less

You aren't being crazy protective at all girl! For most people, that stuff is NOT acceptable and he should know better whether he wants to play dumb or not. I never had videos or pictures of exs like that but if I did they would have been deleted, especially when I got into a serious relationship with someone else.
Maybe he forgot about the suitcase, who knows. I know my guy is forgetful about stuff. But if he didn't and he just chose not to get rid of that stuff after you discovered the computer content then that is just disrespectful to you since you expressed how you felt about that stuff already.
I know some people think oh, it's just a picture or just a video but the fact that he had an intimate real relationship with her makes that different. It isn't just porn, it's personal and that isn't cool.
I know from a legal standpoint that it isn't right but when I am completely honest with you, I would throw that shit in the garbage, all of it. I'd tell him what I found and that I took care of it, I kept the suitcase that was HIS but the rest of it, no. To me in my mind, if he cares about you then he should cause a big blow out about it. He isn't single, he has a woman right there to look at so there is no need for those photos or her dirty lingerie.
I would sit down with him and discuss this, go with your gut feeling about it.
I just can't believe he 'bragged' to you, I mean what the heck is the point of doing that?! It's mean and disrespectful.
You're beautiful, I hope you can work this out and do what is best for you. You know him best so you can't base all your actions and thoughts on what we say you should do here. I'm sorry he did this rude crap to you. less

So much good stuff has already been said, and I don't think I can really offer much in the advice department, but I do want to offer a different perspective on it. I hope it doesn't come across like I'm trying to defend him or anything, because I definitely think it's inappropriate for him to have pics, lingerie, and the other items.

I'm the sort of person that values honesty VERY highly, but I'm also a bit dysfunctional when it comes to social graces, AND, I have ADD which tends to make me a bit impulsive. All that to say, I often end up blurting things out to people with the most sincere of positive intentions, usually because I want to be completely honest and open.

But sometimes my words/actions are not taken in the spirit I intended. I NEVER want to hurt anyone's feelings, but sometimes I inadvertently do, either because I don't realize that I shouldn't say something, or because I never thought about how someone else might perceive it. Soooooo, just wanted to throw this out there and offer a possible alternate explanation.

I certainly can't say anything about your BFs motivations, but the fact that he just willingly pointed it out to you could mean nothing more than he just didn't have anything to hide from you and maybe didn't realize that his hanging on it might be hurtful to you. If he's anything like me, it wouldn't be far-fetched... Seriously, my cluelessness knows no bounds sometimes!

Or he could really be hanging on to his ex... I really can't say.

Either way, I want to give you a big hug and I hope you can come to a happy resolution of the situation. less

There have been many good points made on this discussion. I do have a couple of things to add, though--and of course a short story.

First off--the short story. I was with a guy for about two years about 24 years ago and we were going to get married. He moved out of state for work and was getting things set up for me to join him. Long story short, after about 6 months of promises and plans, he disappeared off the face of the earth. I had a suitcase full of his stuff that he either left at my house when he moved or special things from our relationship. Yes, pics were included. I hauled this suitcase around with me through 3 relationships and one 10 year marriage. It was my unrequited safety blanket. See, I knew I would run into him at some point and then he would regret ever ending the relationship and I could then verbally castrate him and throw HIM away. LItterally and figuratively. THE REALITY: Those 3 relationships were egotistical(on my part) rebounders, I lost 2 best friends from my unhealthy need for revenge and bittersweet maybe he will regret losing me and??, I subconsciously sabotaged my first marriage with my safety blanket keepsake suitcase(literally baggage, LOL!!), I waited for closure and let life pass by and NO ONE thought to put their foot down and make me think of what exactly I was holding on to. I tossed it 16 years ago when I fell in love with my current husband--it just simply quit existing. I was so loved and in love for the first time in my life that I simply had no room for that kind of baggage. The End.

Funny side note: I just ran onto that particular ex about three months ago at a time my hubby and I were fighting and I was unsure of our relationship. I did NOT even recognize him, feel anything for him and could have cared less about seeing him. He did try to talk to me for about an hour before he gave up. Man, all those wasted years I gave up...over nothing.

You are a very articulate writer. Instead of fighting, write him a letter explaining your personal feelings--do not cast blame or tell him what he will do. Just explain that you are unsure about the future plans you have made together while he still has so many mementos from a past relationship. Ask him what attachment he has to those items and then just let him know how much you love him, still want to have a future with him BUT how you feel that the future plans should be put on hold until he can deal with his past and commit to a future with you. Remind him that you are not going to go anywhere but will be waiting for an answer when he feels ready to give you one. But if this drags on for an extended period of time, then there will be a problem. And walk away.

He did make a small baby step towards getting rid of the stuff by showing you the folder. Subconsciously he might want the huge fight over it as an excuse to get rid of it but does not realize that yet. (You could always ask him if there is something he is hiding from you...and if you should start getting lingerie in his size from EF. *sarcastic and wicked laugh*

--Badass has nothing on me as far as my personal reaction would be if I would have been the one to find that suitcase and see that folder!! My husband is the only person that can bring my full, raging and uncontrollable temper out--and yes I am a jealous person when it concerns him. After dealing with his ex-wife for 6 years, she was a piece of work, once their son was 18 I did follow through with my psychotic, deranged and very over the top promise/threat. Lets just say there was not ONE thing that was remotely connected to her left in my house. My husband knew what I did, I told him--and also stated that he had had 6 years to figure shit out and failed so I took care of everything. I did nothing illegal or anything, but the book I have written is long enough. Lets say it worked. for me. less

You aren't being crazy protective at all girl! For most people, that stuff is NOT acceptable and he should know better whether he wants to play dumb or not. I never had videos or pictures of exs like that but if I did they would have been deleted, especially when I got into a serious relationship with someone else.
Maybe he forgot about the suitcase, who knows. I know my guy is forgetful about stuff. But if he didn't and he just chose not to get rid of that stuff after you discovered the computer content then that is just disrespectful to you since you expressed how you felt about that stuff already.
I know some people think oh, it's just a picture or just a video but the fact that he had an intimate real relationship with her makes that different. It isn't just porn, it's personal and that isn't cool.
I know from a legal standpoint that it isn't right but when I am completely honest with you, I would throw that shit in the garbage, all of it. I'd tell him what I found and that I took care of it, I kept the suitcase that was HIS but the rest of it, no. To me in my mind, if he cares about you then he should cause a big blow out about it. He isn't single, he has a woman right there to look at so there is no need for those photos or her dirty lingerie.
I would sit down with him and discuss this, go with your gut feeling about it.
I just can't believe he 'bragged' to you, I mean what the heck is the point of doing that?! It's mean and disrespectful.
You're beautiful, I hope you can work this out and do what is best for you. You know him best so you can't base all your actions and thoughts on what we say you should do here. I'm sorry he did this rude crap to you. less

How would you feel if you found out your longterm partner still kept his ex-lovers pictures and videos (nudity ones) on his computer?

In my case.. my longterm boyfriend "bragged" and showed me his "ex-girlfriend" file on his computer with numerous videos and pictures that were totally graphic in content.

I was pissed, big surprise. I don't want him fapping over his ex-girlfriend. I want him fapping over me. They broke up over two years ago. TWO YEARS. And he still has pictures and videos of her? I am probably being way protective and territorial but it was pretty much a big slap in the face in my opinion.

Side note : I finally got our room situated so it is livable (he is messy) and folded, cleaned, the works. What should I find in a suitcase? Lingerie of his ex-girlfriend. REAL Photos of his ex-girlfriend. Belongings of hers. I seriously haven't even told him that I found them. It was a huge fight when he showed me the other stuff on his computer.

I know I sound SUPER protective, but this really ticked me off. The question is.. if your longterm relationship partner did this to you or was even hiding it from you, would you be upset and angry or would you be totally okay with it?

Let the voting begin! less

@Ms. N,

I didn't even think of that. He can imagine her. Wow, I can't believe that didn't even cross my mind. I guess I was all upset about everything else that I didn't think about that at all. I guess all men do that? I can't stop that. I don't want to know about it and I don't need him mentioning her name and comparing me to her. If it is in his mind -- fine. I just need him to commit to me and leave the past in the past. Thank you. less

@Zombirella,

You make very good points. He is forgetful but moving three times and still keeping her things..? That makes no sense. And you are right, it is personal. It is emotional and personal. It obviously means something to him I'm pretty sure.

He gets home in a few hours and basically all the stuff is laying on the bed and just sitting there. I don't know if I'll put it back before then but I definitely need to talk to him about it. He is kinda high tempered so I am expecting a fight but I really just want to know why he has it still and why he won't get rid of it if he has me and "he is the happiest he has ever been".

Thanks for the great advice. You are a great friend. xoxo less

There have been many good points made on this discussion. I do have a couple of things to add, though--and of course a short story.

First off--the short story. I was with a guy for about two years about 24 years ago and we were going to get married. He moved out of state for work and was getting things set up for me to join him. Long story short, after about 6 months of promises and plans, he disappeared off the face of the earth. I had a suitcase full of his stuff that he either left at my house when he moved or special things from our relationship. Yes, pics were included. I hauled this suitcase around with me through 3 relationships and one 10 year marriage. It was my unrequited safety blanket. See, I knew I would run into him at some point and then he would regret ever ending the relationship and I could then verbally castrate him and throw HIM away. LItterally and figuratively. THE REALITY: Those 3 relationships were egotistical(on my part) rebounders, I lost 2 best friends from my unhealthy need for revenge and bittersweet maybe he will regret losing me and??, I subconsciously sabotaged my first marriage with my safety blanket keepsake suitcase(literally baggage, LOL!!), I waited for closure and let life pass by and NO ONE thought to put their foot down and make me think of what exactly I was holding on to. I tossed it 16 years ago when I fell in love with my current husband--it just simply quit existing. I was so loved and in love for the first time in my life that I simply had no room for that kind of baggage. The End.

Funny side note: I just ran onto that particular ex about three months ago at a time my hubby and I were fighting and I was unsure of our relationship. I did NOT even recognize him, feel anything for him and could have cared less about seeing him. He did try to talk to me for about an hour before he gave up. Man, all those wasted years I gave up...over nothing.

You are a very articulate writer. Instead of fighting, write him a letter explaining your personal feelings--do not cast blame or tell him what he will do. Just explain that you are unsure about the future plans you have made together while he still has so many mementos from a past relationship. Ask him what attachment he has to those items and then just let him know how much you love him, still want to have a future with him BUT how you feel that the future plans should be put on hold until he can deal with his past and commit to a future with you. Remind him that you are not going to go anywhere but will be waiting for an answer when he feels ready to give you one. But if this drags on for an extended period of time, then there will be a problem. And walk away.

He did make a small baby step towards getting rid of the stuff by showing you the folder. Subconsciously he might want the huge fight over it as an excuse to get rid of it but does not realize that yet. (You could always ask him if there is something he is hiding from you...and if you should start getting lingerie in his size from EF. *sarcastic and wicked laugh*

--Badass has nothing on me as far as my personal reaction would be if I would have been the one to find that suitcase and see that folder!! My husband is the only person that can bring my full, raging and uncontrollable temper out--and yes I am a jealous person when it concerns him. After dealing with his ex-wife for 6 years, she was a piece of work, once their son was 18 I did follow through with my psychotic, deranged and very over the top promise/threat. Lets just say there was not ONE thing that was remotely connected to her left in my house. My husband knew what I did, I told him--and also stated that he had had 6 years to figure shit out and failed so I took care of everything. I did nothing illegal or anything, but the book I have written is long enough. Lets say it worked. for me. less