How would you feel if you found out your longterm partner still kept his ex-lovers pictures and videos (nudity ones) on his computer?

Use "I" statements.

'When *I* see her stuff, I feel like there's still something there and it really makes me doubt my own worth not only in this relationship but in your life in general. I hope you aren't intentionally trying to do this. If you are, we need to really talk about it. I'll be happy to address any issues you had about your relationship with her and if you think any of those problems from the past could interfere with our relationship we need to talk about it. I trust you, but this is all very unsual for me and I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around it. I don't want to fight with you about it, but I need to get this resolved for my own peace of mind and self-worth. I have had similar issues in past relationships and this is a huge red flag for me. Do you trust me enough to open up to me about it?"

Whatever his answer is, take a deep breath before you respond. Don't clench your fists or wrap your arms around your chest and try to remain as calm and as open-minded as you can. If he insists on continuing to call you pissy about something this important to you, the relationship clearly does not mean anything to him, or at least not enough to do anything to fix it and you should remove him from your life ASAP. less

@RickyNStephy,

SO true. If I had that type of shit on my computer or wore/had my ex-boyfriends clothes, he would be more then furious. And I definitely don't want to make a "folder" for him because what if it doesn't work out. I really want it to. *hugs* less

How would you feel if you found out your longterm partner still kept his ex-lovers pictures and videos (nudity ones) on his computer?

In my case.. my longterm boyfriend "bragged" and showed me his "ex-girlfriend" file on his computer with numerous videos and pictures that were totally graphic in content.

I was pissed, big surprise. I don't want him fapping over his ex-girlfriend. I want him fapping over me. They broke up over two years ago. TWO YEARS. And he still has pictures and videos of her? I am probably being way protective and territorial but it was pretty much a big slap in the face in my opinion.

Side note : I finally got our room situated so it is livable (he is messy) and folded, cleaned, the works. What should I find in a suitcase? Lingerie of his ex-girlfriend. REAL Photos of his ex-girlfriend. Belongings of hers. I seriously haven't even told him that I found them. It was a huge fight when he showed me the other stuff on his computer.

I know I sound SUPER protective, but this really ticked me off. The question is.. if your longterm relationship partner did this to you or was even hiding it from you, would you be upset and angry or would you be totally okay with it?

Let the voting begin! less

Having read through all of this, I can sort of relate to what you're going through LusciousLollipop...

I'm kind of on the flip side of it though. I broke up with my first love 5 years ago and since then I've been without someone else and so has he (until recently). We both moved on, hard as that was.

I hung on to him for a while and made that clear to my current partner. But I wanted to be honest with him and I feel like talking with him helped me move on fully and really be with him. I still keep little momentoes.. old letters and cards and such. But that's it and I'm considering tossing them altogether now anyway.

My ex tried to come back to me 3 years ago. I turned him away. He ended up getting back together with his girlfriend and they had a baby. Not long ago, my ex contacted me and wanted to get back together again. He dumped his ex and told me he'd wait for me.

I felt bad for his well ex now. She didn't deserve to have her man sneaking around trying to get back together with his ex all the time. He told me that she hated hearing about me and she made him throw out his old letters and things from me. Though he never had any judy pics or things like that of me.

My ex has told me that he still loves me, blah, blah... Even though I have no interest in being with him, he's made it that much harder for me to trust him because of the way he's treating the mother of his child.

I hope this helps and I truly hope that you and your guy can sort through this. It has to be dealt with though. He's going to either have to let go of his ex or you. I feel for you hun.. I hope it works out for the best. Sending my love to you! less

Use "I" statements.

'When *I* see her stuff, I feel like there's still something there and it really makes me doubt my own worth not only in this relationship but in your life in general. I hope you aren't intentionally trying to do this. If you are, we need to really talk about it. I'll be happy to address any issues you had about your relationship with her and if you think any of those problems from the past could interfere with our relationship we need to talk about it. I trust you, but this is all very unsual for me and I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around it. I don't want to fight with you about it, but I need to get this resolved for my own peace of mind and self-worth. I have had similar issues in past relationships and this is a huge red flag for me. Do you trust me enough to open up to me about it?"

Whatever his answer is, take a deep breath before you respond. Don't clench your fists or wrap your arms around your chest and try to remain as calm and as open-minded as you can. If he insists on continuing to call you pissy about something this important to you, the relationship clearly does not mean anything to him, or at least not enough to do anything to fix it and you should remove him from your life ASAP. less

I have nude pictures of me and former lovers getting it on on my external hard drive ... I don't ever plug it in and watch, but to me that still falls under 'memento' and not 'huge stash of stuff'---I guess because the relationships are over and, I don't know, that's just not where my head/heart is anymore.

Now you've got me wondering/worried if I should have disclosed that to other (newer) partners... I just kind of assumed that everybody had naked pictures of their exes.

... I hope I haven't hurt anybody's feelings! less

These things are very hard to deal with, emotions run high and hot. But we have to step back from the emotional rush and look at things clearly. You cannot take revenge. First and foremost, these belongings are his not yours to do with as you would like.

Is it crazy to keep them? I think so, but that is my opinion.

you my love in the middle of it and you and only you know if the relationship is worth working to make it a healthier one, or if it is time to go home. Today is TUESDAY!!! You can make that choice.

Also, (this is mostly to the other posts) No one knows what will happen if you harm belongings or call out the situation. This maybe a time bomb waiting to happen. IDK, but honestly the advice to go with your first instinct to destroy things or call it out; well that can get people hurt. Really hurt.

Just my two cents... less

If you truly care about him then you can make it work. He just needs some fixing.

Funny but true story: I originally met my husband on a social networking site online. He lived in San Diego and shared an apartment with his dad while I was living in Chicago living in my parents house. He had moved from Cali to Texas about a week before I flew over there to be with him.(yes our relationship moved rather quickly but life's too short and we were in love. Ha.) We finally met in person around 9 months of being together long distance. We were more in love with one another than ever before. About 3 months after we moved in together we took a long road trip to Las Vegas and also drove down to San Diego so I could meet his dad and grandma.

We visited his dads apartment where he lived in his entire life. He left his room messy right before he moved to Texas. I guess he didn't expect me to go into his room but curiously I went in. Typical messy guys room but then I saw a photo framed of him and his ex gf sitting on his drawer. I went bazerk! Yeah I probably overreacted but we were together long distance while he still lived there and you would think he would have thrown that picture frame away by now. So I was a tad jealous. Lol.

He got kinda mad at me for overreacting and said she didn't mean anything to him. He grabbed the photo frame and threw it against the floor and stomped the shit out of it. I tried to keep a serious face but I laughed so hard inside. LOL!!

So as you can see, this was a small thing that I found yet he had reassured me that she meant nothing to him now. He even stomped on the photo frame to make a point. Your bf should have at least realized how upset you were by the folder and deleted it right then and there so you would be reassured that she meant nothing to him now. That's worrisome that he doesn't find anything wrong with it. :/ It's also weird that he would bring her lingerie in his suitcase. It's like he purposely wants to make you feel jealous.

You should have a serious talk with him and tell him how you truly feel. This isn't something that can't be fixed. It's as easy and throwing those clothes/photos away and deleting that folder. I think once he does he might feel a huge weight lifted off his shoulders and will finally be able to move on completely by letting go of those things.

Sorry for the long post. less

*tipping my hat to Stormy too*

Also, huge hugs for you LL! You're a lovely lady and I think coming to get advice while your emotions are running high is a great idea, letting you make sure that you're calming down and considering everything before you take an action. less

I'd totally be pissed off. You're HOT, and he doesn't need to be pining away for some relationship that is supposebly off for two years. You said he doesn't let you on his computer. Does he have her on skype, twitter, fb, myspace, google+, or some other means means of communication that I'm not thinking about right now? That doesn't matter if you're in another country when the world wide web is just a click away. I think it's an f'd up situation.

In a relationship, you can't move forward if you're always looking back. If there's unresolved feelings there then how can he focus totally on you and your future. less

I'm gonna tell ya a little story........


So I had an ex, we were on and off for a few years. I had a facebook account where I was wearing little to nothing when i was out on the beach or posing for "practice modelling" at the time. Well, The last time we broke up, and for good, other ex's of his started to contact me, telling me how he would be caught masturbating to my pictures, after having no contact with him for a year or two. How he was caught always checking my profile and always obsessively talking about what we used to do together sexually to his friends. His friends were my friends at the time, and I would hear everything in detail.
To me, This was obessive behavoir, and one that seemed to never have stopped for a while. My advice to you is to ask him why he has these, and if he's willing to be-rid of them.
My personal opinion, its wrong to keep things of your ex's. Whether photographs, belongings, anything. When you break up, you break up, there's a reason and all your past should be gone with it, not secretly kept as your moved on and then bragging? that's a sign he's not over her.
Your not being over protective at all, if anything you should be highly concerned. For all you know he's still talking to her when you don't know it too. This is stuff you should be aware of.

If he tries to deny but then argues about not getting rid of any of that stuff, I think its time to sit down and think about how worth it your relationship is with him and vice versa. :/ less

He's kind of an ass for bragging. And not telling you about the other stuff. I could see it being okay if I was upfront about it with my girl, like, "I'm not into her anymore but I have this stuff because....duh, it's (basically) porn," that would seem more okay. less

Ugh, I'm sorry - that sounds horrible. You have every right to be angry and/or sad.

Keeping pictures of an ex is totally different than random porn because there's a whole emotional history involved. I don't doubt that, as others have mentioned, your boyfriend must have some issues if he's hanging on to these, but it doesn't really matter as far as your relationship with him is concerned - you need to make it clear to him that it's not okay and that it makes you uncomfortable. If he truly cares about you, he needs to respect that.

The fact that he was "bragging" about it also makes me think something isn't right. On the one hand, I suppose it's good that he wasn't hiding it (although he obviously had been for some time), but...there's something really strange about that. Maybe it's bravado to cover up insecurities or any remaining feelings he still has for her, but it's still incredibly insensitive. And speaking for myself, I find it incredibly off-putting when a guy brags about his past sexual escapades--like, I'm supposed to feel good that you're adding me to a list of conquests? less

@RickyandStephy,

I love your long post! The more the better. It all helps. I totally know how you feel. I met him on a social networking site myself and we didn't meet for awhile. We finally met and we were so in love it was insane. We are still in love and are completely in sync. I have met his family, his mother, his father, his aunts/uncles, his grandmother.. they all love me. I feel really good about it all. It went fast for us too. He visited me once and then I visited him.. and I haven't left. I don't want to leave. I have moved in and I love it. I want to make this our home. You don't sound weird at all to me. Life is too short to go slow.

I should have a serious talk with him because I know he is worth it. I have to believe that.

Thank you so much.
xoxo less

WOW. I would not be okay with this, but neither would my boyfriend. He made it pretty clear when we started our relationship that none of our (or rather my) past relationships had any place in our current one.

Step one: TALK to him. You can't figure out what to do until you see how he reacts. If he blows off your emotions it may be time to re-think your relationship.

If he is considerate and understands your emotions, go from there. less

First, I didn't totally read every one of these.

My take on this - it's disrespectful. If you're with me then be with me, not be with me and your ex's things. That's not gonna work.

He has no right to tell you that you are overreacting, how would he feel if you had nekkid pics of your old boyfriends?

AND totally the wrong thing to say- Oh, you can have a folder on my computer too...BITCH, I will wipe your whole DAMN computer...sorry that's a hot button for me.

When we were dating my hubby's ex( who cheated on him with his roommate)told him that it was wrong for him to date me cuz I was black- it says so in the Bible, she says...One day she came to visit him and he walked into the hallway(it was a dorm) I just thought he was talking to one of the guys until his new roommate told me she had just left. He knew I would be pissed so he wouldn't let me leave the room for an hour. He got SOOOOOOO much grief for that 5 minute convo with the scheming bitch from hell....


sorry Rant over!! less