The New Intimacy

Hypothetical. He wants to marry you but doesn't want to give you a ring..

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Contributor: Nissa Nissa Nissa Nissa
What do you girls think (and guys if applicable).. the guy wants to marry you but says no to the wedding ring.


Personally I've been dreaming of getting married forever and the ring is always part of that. Not asking for an insanely large diamond but some kind of financial commitment that isn't buying the random stuffed animal or bouquet of flowers.

What do you think?
02/05/2013
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Contributor: butts butts
I couldn't care less about a ring! A ring to me has nothing to do with love, in fact I'd rather we save money and spend it on things we need, or traveling. That means so much more to me than some shiny material object. Personally I've even offered my partner a sort of "commitment ring" thinking he'd appreciate it, but even he said "save your money".
02/05/2013
Contributor: Nissa Nissa Nissa Nissa
Wow I guess I'm a pretty horrible person.
02/05/2013
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by Nissa Nissa
Wow I guess I'm a pretty horrible person.
I agree with butts, but don't think you're a horrible person.

Weddings are a huge money making opportunity for lots of different companies. Different people want/expect different things; so there's variety.

When that marriage thing happens to me, I would really rather not have a ring. I just don't find them comfortable and generally end up losing them.
02/05/2013
Contributor: Genderfree Genderfree
You're not horrible for wanting a ring. A ring is like a symbolic representation of your eternal love. However, a lot of people view it as a sign of bondage (and not the hot kind) to your lover, a sign of subservience to the male of the relationship. However, I don't believe that is true.

Myself, I believe that a ring is not important. I know some couples that get rings tattooed to their fingers. It's cost efficient, and you'll never lose it, either. I guess it all depends on tradition; I know some cultures sew moccasins for the other (was that native American?).

Really, I guess the bottom line of my post is, there are so many different ways to show your eternal love, and it does not need to be expensive as a nice ring. Although it's traditional, it does not always need to be done, and some sentiments may mean more than a ring.
02/05/2013
Contributor: MrWill MrWill
I'm a man, and I see it like this: I can put the money I would spend on a big ole ring towards a house... and buy a much more beautiful ring later. I'd much rather my future wife have a comfy home than a gaudy ring.
02/05/2013
Contributor: evie.amor evie.amor
If I'm going legally attach myself to someone I think a ring is a nice symbol. And I don't need a big gaudy ring. I would be scared to ever wear it if someone spent a few grand on my ring. I'd rather just get a 400 dollar ring, maybe something made of wood even. Don't know what kind of house your going to get with a 400 dollar down payment...
02/05/2013
Contributor: Trysexual Trysexual
Quote:
Originally posted by butts
I couldn't care less about a ring! A ring to me has nothing to do with love, in fact I'd rather we save money and spend it on things we need, or traveling. That means so much more to me than some shiny material object. Personally I've ... more
I wish more people thought this way. The whole diamond thing is a big scam and myth. Diamonds aren't even rare and are artificially manipulated and controlled by the Debeers company.

Now there is nothing wrong with some symbolic jewelry, but this whole 2 month salary guideline idea is no doubt a marketing gimmick.
02/05/2013
Contributor: Sweet-n-Playful Sweet-n-Playful
I am in favor of having rings also. There are cheaper options without being gaudy or going broke over it. My husband and I definitely wear rings.
02/05/2013
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
My engagement ring was $8 out of the bargain bin at Jimbo's Jewelers and Pawn of Little Rock, AR. It was the cheapest ring possible, but the much nicer ones were only $100. It doesn't have to cost a lot to appease sentimentality.

(I'm with you, Callisto; if I should ever marry again, I want a really nice engagement ring. I'm a sentimental romantic without shame.)
02/05/2013
Contributor: TheirPet TheirPet
I don't care about a ring if my partner can't afford one, but something symbolic is always nice.
02/05/2013
Contributor: Ryuson Ryuson
(Review Program Mentor)
I think that $500 is my limit for a ring. I would like that, but if he spends more than that he's getting a talking to, no matter our situation!
02/05/2013
Contributor: Illusional Illusional
Ring's always been a part of my happily ever after. I just want the ring to be like me or something. Silver, pink sapphires in the shape of a heart, something not generic.
02/05/2013
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
Quote:
Originally posted by MrWill
I'm a man, and I see it like this: I can put the money I would spend on a big ole ring towards a house... and buy a much more beautiful ring later. I'd much rather my future wife have a comfy home than a gaudy ring.
That's pretty much how I feel about the whole big wedding thing too. That money can be a downpayment on a house, a beautiful trip, or just go towards your future together.

Expensive rings and weddings are kind of a scam in my book - but everyone is different!
02/05/2013
Contributor: js250 js250
I like having a small, band that cost a whole $50.00. The big ring came later and was his idea after the fact.....
02/05/2013
Contributor: Hoshigetsu Hoshigetsu
I do not care about the ring, and I do not wear rings, so it would simply get in my way. I would much rather he spend the money on my gown for the wedding or on the honeymoon. If jewelry would be a must have to get me for his sake, then I would prefer a choker necklace.
02/05/2013
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Nissa Nissa
What do you girls think (and guys if applicable).. the guy wants to marry you but says no to the wedding ring.


Personally I've been dreaming of getting married forever and the ring is always part of that. Not asking for an insanely ... more
The ring is a symbol of the commitment to wed and the fact that you have made that commitment. It's part of a ceremony that is cherished throughout the world in one form or another. Nothing says you HAVE to abide by the tradition (in my Grand Father's family they exchange watches not rings) and there's no reason you can't decide on a different symbol for your commitment.

That being said there's nothing inherently wrong with wanting a nice ring either. My only suggestion would be to tell your prospective partner how you feel honestly and with the understanding that a marriage is a partnership built of mutual respect of each other's wishes, hopes and desires. If you approach the idea this way then you open the door to a symbol that will mean so much more to you than a cold metal ring....or maybe that ring will NEVER be cold because the loving way it was given warms it forever.

It doesn't make you a bad person or a money grubbing idiot to want a symbol of your love to show the world...it's actually kind of sweet as far as I am concerned. I, personally, wear a three diamond plain gold band as both engagement and wedding ring combined. I wear it because my lover gave it to me after 20 years of marriage and it represents the past we have shared, the present we are sharing and the promise of a future together. He told me this when he gave it to me.
Sigel, however, rarely wears a ring because his joints swell and it begins to hurt him. Once we have decided on a ceremony for the three of us I am sure that Arch will probably give me a ring of some sort and he will probably wear one himself. It's kind of fun to think about...
02/05/2013
Contributor: Nissa Nissa Nissa Nissa
Basically the situation is that the previous girl was there waiting for a ring for 7 years and I'm not really interested in waiting that long. A ring is an investment in me, something he didn't do with the other girl and it's almost symbolizing an actual commitment other than cohabitating. Either way the whole thing is like pulling teeth. We've known each other for 10+ years and we're serious and going the same direction.. always talk about getting married but he always says no ring or even makes the joke of a gumball machine ring. Just kinda hurtful in my position. I don't want to move on but I also want someone who is serious, not being on the same page is a huge deal.

I'm well aware of the diamond craziness and believe in buying diamonds from the pawn shop instead of an actual store. They are generally over half-price and even then most diamonds in the stores are recycled anyway. I'd actually be kinda ticked off if he dropped the 2-3 months salary (whichever it is) on a ring in a store because that's a complete rip-off.

If when I get married I'm having a small ceremony and I'm probably going to make my own dress (I want a slightly unconventional color/style)
02/05/2013
Contributor: Voir Voir
For engagement idk -shrug- it's romantic I suppose but I'm not a jewelry person... nor do I like gaudy things or diamonds. I quite hate them to be honest... a simple silver band, a necklace, a bracelet (not big on those either but w/e) it's like financial commitment - people can say things and then they jsut fall apart but after some initial sum of money is invested people are more liable to follow through -even if it does eventually result in divorce.

Shit if I proposed to someone I'd give them something to mark it..

Marriage rings would be non negotiable though. It's like having your own mark on someone else - that isn't ridiculous like a tattoo (because divorce is high and what happens if things fall through? tattoo removal is hella more expensive than a pair of simple wedding bands)

And there are few things I'm traditional about but some things I think are fun to honor. -shrug- I'm sort of practical - if they aren't willing to invest something into their word then I'm not taking them on it - same as if I give my word to someone I'll invest something into it (in the case of proposal a -something- from me to them for them to wear)
02/05/2013
Contributor: LovesAPoet LovesAPoet
The ring is important to me not only because of the romance/commitment aspect but as well as the financial commitment you mentioned. I believe you're completely justified in hoping for the ring, I don't think I would get married without one. Mostly because it would make me doubt aspects of our future together, but that's just me.
02/05/2013
Contributor: Genderfree Genderfree
It sounds like your guy doesn't really understand the sentiment. Maybe you need to drop a few hints of how romantic it would be for you to have a ring?

Still, I don't believe they're important, but whatever tradition you follow is what makes it individual to each person.
02/05/2013
Contributor: Munko Munko
I've never been too concerned about the ring, but I did want one. I wasn't concerned with finances or even where it came from (gumball machine works for me!) It just kind of...seals the deal, I guess. It's a visual commitment...more than just words. It's a symbol to others that you're married (or engaged). For me though, I was more concerned with the engagement ring than wedding ring (we're not yet married) I'd like to have the matching band to my engagement ring...but, I don't need it. Going through the ceremony and papers, and forking out the money for a reception, etc...is enough of a financial commitment for me. But saying he wanted to marry me...and proposing with a ring (or some form of tangible thing) are two different things. It's easy to string someone a long by saying "Yes I'll marry you some day" But different to make the actual commitment of getting engaged.
02/05/2013
Contributor: AU AU
I feel firmly that if a significant other disagrees with you one something, it's time work things out before moving into the next phase. Or move on. It is that simple. Is a person worth being with for the rest of your life if they don't take your wishes and dreams somewhat seriously? This also means you have to look at yourself and ask if you are willing to compromise, too. Maybe just get an inexpensive ring. Something a little above gumball machine trinket? And be willing to live with it without regret. What is more important--him or the symbol of something?

I don't want an engagement or wedding ring. I really, really don't. It would be wasted on me because I don't like wearing rings and it isn't practical in my case. I have no emotional need for physical symbols. If my boyfriend thought I didn't take the relationship seriously by refusing to always wear a ring or his last name, it would be against my personal philosophy. If I couldn't just wear a simple ring sometimes, I wouldn't go any further.

We each have things that are sacred to us. We know we are in the right place when we can respect each other, even if we don't totally agree.
02/11/2013
Contributor: PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
For me, it's not about having a huge diamond ring. It's about showing that I'm taken. Before my husband and I were married, he had picked out an engagement ring for me. He decided that he wanted me to see it before we were married. It was too large and too much money and we talked and settled on a much more modest option. He was still able to give me a ring, and I felt good about it because it wasn't hugely expensive.
02/11/2013
Contributor: spiced spiced
The engagement ring has an interesting history. Read about it here, if you like: link

Personally, I think if someone asks someone else to marry them, the person doing the asking should respect the wishes of the person they're asking. If the person being asked wants a ring, they should get a ring. If the person being asked doesn't want a ring, the person who's asking them should respect that, too.
03/05/2013
Contributor: bayosgirl bayosgirl
I am a traditionalist, like you I think a ring is a sign of commitment. It doesn't have to be big and flashy, but a visual sign is important, I think.
03/05/2013
Contributor: bog bog
Quote:
Originally posted by Nissa Nissa
What do you girls think (and guys if applicable).. the guy wants to marry you but says no to the wedding ring.


Personally I've been dreaming of getting married forever and the ring is always part of that. Not asking for an insanely ... more
Jewelry is SO boring to me! What's the point of a rock? You can't play with it, eat it, or use it for anything! I've never been very good at being a girl, haha.

I'd take a pricey sex toy over a ring any day. My favorite gift is probably the gift of experience - a trip together, or a show - a memory-maker, not a tangible thing.

My primary partner knows me so well! He's never given me jewelry, but he mails me jars of thick raw honey when he's thinking of me!
03/05/2013
Contributor: anonkitty anonkitty
I've never been one for jewelries, but I can see the appeal. =] Aside from a physical representation of commitment it's also a physical representation of a bond. I think it would be nice to have something like that with you, even if it's not a pricey thing. (Well, maybe something more durable than plastic, considering how often I bang my hands against things. =P)
03/06/2013