I don't feel sexy anymore... (disordered eating issue)

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I don't feel sexy anymore... (disordered eating issue)

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Contributor: Sera26 Sera26
If you have read my reviews then you probably have noticed that I've struggled with disordered eating. My fiance knows this. He also had his own eating disorder when he was younger.

The thing is that growing up I was teased about a lot of things. I have severe social anxiety due to the harassment that I received from hundreds of students in high school. My fiance is the only man that I've ever felt comfortable with while having sex sober because I don't feel like he's judging me.

The problem is that he isn't very eloquent. While I'm a big reader he's a slow reader and doesn't have a great vocabulary or a way with words. This isn't usually a problem because I don't really care if my partner is a reader or not. I find reading to be a solitary activity.

The problem is that he always seems to use the wrong phrases for things. A while back within about a 12 hour period of one of our weekends together (we usually only see each other on weekends), he accidentally insulted me twice. I have incredibly unruly hair that I was teased about more than anything growing up. When I'm around friends or family and am at home chilling I don't "do" my hair. I leave it natural. He called me "afro girl" jokingly. He explained that it wasn't an insult and that he thought it was cute. Then hours later when I was still feeling bad about myself I said something like "what do you like about me?" He rattled off some stuff and then said "you don't care what you look like when you go places" to which I got up and tried to hide in the bathroom. Then he apologized and said that's not how he meant it (I felt that he was calling me ugly and that I don't try to look nice. Again, I do dress up sometimes, I love clothes, but I can also be casual, especially if I'm comfortable with someone.) My sister and I later interpreted this to mean that he was saying I'm low maintenance and can get ready quickly, which is good.

Last night we were browsing cruises online because we were talking about going on one for a honeymoon. I can't remember exactly what we were looking at but some activity that the cruise line offered led him to say that he was much stronger than me. So I said something teasingly back about it and then he said "no, you're pleasingly plump, like me". Now he usually calls himself skinny but he's gained a couple of pounds. I think that he looks good either way. But that really hurt me. He's apologized but it's really screwing me up.

I took my anti-anxiety medicine to calm down and we watched some TV. However later when we went to have sex I was at a loss because the flowy nightgown I was wearing was too long to keep on. So I kept trying on different lingerie but I felt fat in all of them and we had to stop. I was still upset. Plus he gets extra upset when I am.

Then today when we went to have sex I tried again while staying mostly covered but I still felt ugly and fat. He could tell that I wasn't into it so we quit and were all upset again.

I don't know what to do. We are both very sexual. I just feel like now every time we go to do something I'm going to feel bad about myself. I just wish that I could feel some other way.

I know I'm overly sensitive. I know that it's my problem but I'm me. It's not really about my weight either, it's the memories of the insults. I felt just as bad about myself when I was thinner. I can't go back into my exercise bulimia cycle. It was too much for me. I barely made it out last time. Yes, I am crying as I write this and being hormonal (PMSing) isn't helping but I just don't know how to fix this.
11/13/2012
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Contributor: js250 js250
I used to take everything that was said literally and was miserable constantly--yes I was also teased at school. You know--take a good hard look at those who teased you....where are they now? Where are you? Are you going to honestly let a group of insecure, bullying losers ruin your life? Every time you allow them to still haunt you--you are giving them the power to run your life--now and in the future. Are they really that fucking important??? Hell no!! Get up, dust yourself off and start living--for yourself!! I did and it was the best damn thing I have ever done!!! Once I removed myself from their 'hold' over me I was able to build a good and satisfying life...

The rest of your life starts today--live it~!!
11/13/2012
Contributor: Supervixen Supervixen
Have you considered counseling? You say you are overly sensitive, but hey, you are you...that sounds a bit self-defeating, don't you think? You aren't your social anxiety and you aren't your insecurities. Those are things that hold the real you back. All of those insecurities that make you hypersensitive are the effects of how others treated you in the past. I don't think it's very healthy for you to say that that's the way you are, because other people nudged you into that direction. That means that you are the victim of your own personality, and that's not a good way to perceive yourself.

But that's the past, and it's time to take personal responsibility for your life and the way you feel about yourself today. I'm not trying to be insensitive, either; I'm telling you that it's empowering to get over your insecurities, take control and take responsibility. It's liberating to think, hey, you can CHOOSE to take things that your boyfriend tells you the wrong way if you want, and it will lead to arguments, frustration, ruined sex, a poor self image that probably leaves him feeling like the bad guy...and all because that's how you were treated by other people in the past.

Or, you can CHOOSE to think of how your boyfriend loves you, how you are with a man who thinks the world of you, and who isn't trying to hurt you. If you choose that route, you learn to become comfortable with yourself, comfortable with playful teasing (come on, how is afro girl mean? You know he didn't mean it as an insult, and you knew it when he said. It's that annoying little voice of insecurity that piped up that got you second guessing what you already know to be the case--he was teasing you in a good natured way), and those people who tormented you in the past don't get to win by continuing to occupy a space in your life...a space where you should happy.

It's also probably a good idea to not think of your boyfriend the one who has the problem...that he isn't eloquent, so he says hurtful things. No, he sounds like a typical guy--straightforward and disinclined to see how every word that comes out of his mouth might be some code that requires you to read in between the lines. You said yourself that you are overly sensitive. Perhaps you aren't being totally fair with him?

Take control. Take responsibility. Get counseling, because it's a skill you'll need to learn, and not something that you can just switch on. And try to understand that when insecurities take over your life, they'll take over your love life as well, and if you're miserable with your love life, so is your partner. He can tell that you are upset. Work this out with him, but work yourself out, more importantly. If you guys are checking out where to go on a honeymoon, then it sounds like you're serious...what you do and how you choose to deal with your past trauma not only affects you, now; it affects another person as well. Overly sensitive people get tiresome after a while, because nobody wants to walk on eggshells all day long and feel like they always the bad gay who made someone feel bad. You owe it to yourself to start finding happiness and comfort with yourself, and the only way you are going to get that, is by finding it within yourself. Nobody else is going to do that for you, and nobody else should have the perceived responsibility to constantly validate someone else.

You're stronger than you think...it's a matter of gaining a new perspective, and let the past be the past.
11/13/2012
Contributor: Sera26 Sera26
I appreciate anyone who read this. I just had to get it out of my system.

I guess I should have mentioned that I see a therapist and a psychiatrist but while they help me to vent I don't feel any better about myself than when I started going to see them a year and a half ago. In fact this is my third psychiatrist. The first didn't believe that my medicine was causing side effects (she blamed it on me) and the second guy argued with me for half of every session trying to get me to step on a scale even though I explained that was detrimental to me because of how I feel about my body. My therapist is very nice but I don't work through anything there.

I probably also should have mentioned that I only figured out that I have high functioning autism (PDD-NOS) within the last year and a half and do in fact take things literally. (I was officially diagnosed last summer). However my man knows this and is generally very honest and doesn't try to trick me or anything.

Believe me if you were called Chia Head for years before the heads were even invented you would know how painful it is. I can't even get my hair professionally relaxed. When I was 14 my mother took me to every local salon and all of them refused me because they said that it would come right out. I used to walk down the hallway in school and people would yell my name as an insult to me. (I have easy to make fun of first and last names.) At first I thought that I was paranoid but when I asked what was so funny they would say you. The thing is that my boyfriend knows all of this.

At any rate I wish that I had 5K to go to a retreat to beat my social anxiety but I don't. I was kind of hoping for support since this forum includes many women. Oddly I got that on Facebook instead, where people are usually very harsh.

I also feel like I should mention that my fiance is in fact very sensitive and has issues himself and I always support and never insult him. In the past I never would have opened up to any guy like him but I guess that doesn't matter. Maybe this whole thing was a mistake. I should tumblered it or something.

Oh well, I'd close this if possible.
11/13/2012
Contributor: Taylor Taylor
I've struggled with an eating disorder and anxiety for years and I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. The absolute most helpful thing I've learned about communicating during all my years of therapy is to reflect back what I am hearing to make sure I am understandng their intention.

For example last week my boyfriend said something along the lines "are you lounging around all day?" so I reflected back to him "when you say that what I hear is you think I'm lazy, is that what you meant?" That way they can clarify what they meant. Then if there is an issue you can talk it out from there instead of letting it play over and over in your head. You'll find that often the reality of what people mean is not as harsh as our perceptions.

If you ever need someone to chat with just let me know. I've been through a lot of treatment for eating disorders and anxiety, so I might be able to relate about parts of what you are going through.
11/13/2012
Contributor: js250 js250
Quote:
Originally posted by Sera26
I appreciate anyone who read this. I just had to get it out of my system.

I guess I should have mentioned that I see a therapist and a psychiatrist but while they help me to vent I don't feel any better about myself than when I started ... more
Sera--
You have been given support on this thread. All of us who answered are trying to help and support you even though you only gave us part of the facts. I went through hell from grade school to the point where I tried to kill myself and finally got out of my abusive home. The kids at school knew about the abuse I suffered and teased me mercilessly about it-about my looks, about my personality, about every damn thing you can tease someone about--but I let it go and got over it. I refused to give hurtful people in my past one more moment of power.....It took maturity, hard work and not reveling or playing the role of the 'victim' anymore. I also decided that the sympathy factor was also a good role to drop as well--it was time to be strong and give up the self-defeating traits I learned from the past and teach myself to grow and be positive.
11/14/2012
Contributor: K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by Sera26
If you have read my reviews then you probably have noticed that I've struggled with disordered eating. My fiance knows this. He also had his own eating disorder when he was younger.

The thing is that growing up I was teased about a lot of ... more
First of all, I want to say that everything you said is SOOO much like what I was like at one point in my life. God do I know the misery you feel right now. And I SO wish that I could tell you what made me better and made me stop feeling constantly on edge about my looks and such. I was like you for years. The comments you mentioned, I've been told the same things. Just not by my current partner. But I remember each time my partner would try and give me a compliment, I would see the BAD in it! Could not help it. I would see something. For instance, I weighed 120 in high school, I'm 22 now and went through a very ill spell within the 6 years we've been together. I've only recovered almost 2 years ago, but I remember once when I kept asking him about my weight and how he "preferred" me (because I didn't love myself but only saw me as an object for him! Seriously) and he finally said "I like you how you are. I had gotten down to 70 pounds during my illness, but have been back to a healthy, normal 93-95 for a couple years now. I kept wanting him to go into detail and finally he said "Well, I'm glad you look how you look now. I like you this way and not your size before!" I fucking flipped! LOL. I was like "OMG! I was ugly? So I was not desirable and oh shit! What if I gain weight back?" I flipped because I blew everything out of portion.

Perhaps it's the anxiety because I had severe anxiety at the time I'd feel this way. I'd recommend stepping far back right now and taking a much closer look. I wish I could say what made me change, but I don't know what did! I just began feeling better, quit judging myself so harshly, and somewhere during those times, I suddenly decided that I was going to focus on what made ME happy -- what weight I felt best at, what lingerie *I* felt sexies in. My partner highly recommended this too, and it wasn't long until I finally didn't hate myself. Of course there was the combination of other things like getting healthy again. I recommend working on your health and that anxiety because once it's diminished, you'll see your entire relationship diff.

I cannot tell you how much more peaceful our relationship is now. I also cannot tell you how much of a strain I was putting on it. I'm so glad you have an understanding partner like I did.

And now I want to say, I totally second JS250's words!

To be honest, I don't know a single person who went through high school and didn't get called fat ass, ugly, pimple face, wide load or anorexic. Just try and remember it happens to everyone and is not personal. When your partner makes a comment about you, SEE the good compliment he intended. My partner was baffled that he could give me the world's best compliment and I'd say "Oh my! Do you mean I'm not pretty?" He would remind me that I was twisting his words to mean something horrible.

Also, I know this is extreme, but one time I had read something or watched some movie about a couple where one died and the other had to wake up from a coma to learn her partner was dead and she struggled so badly. Point is after seeing that or reading it -- wherever it came from -- I thought of just how much the tiny things I KILL myself literally, ruining my health worrying over! Of course you want to be the best in your partner's eyes. Understandable. But when they show you & tell you that you are, that you have your fantasy, you don't have to keep trying, believe it.

Oh, back to that life-changing story. After that, I could only think about how I'd hate myself for wasting time that could've been spent with him and showing him that I appreciate his work and love him because when you're with someone who was as down as I was, you really don't feel like you're hard work to help them and kindness is appreciated. This sounds silly, but it made a huge impact on me, so I kept thinking this way. When I'd find myself worrying until I'd get sick with anxiety and stomach problems, I'd give myself a long, hard think about "how important would this worry be if one of us died tonight." Not that I recommend thinking that way because it could send you into an even deeper depression, but I'm saying, it TOTALLY put things into a big, new perspective for me.

Hope you find peace and I hope you love yourself more than ever! You deserve to.
11/14/2012
Contributor: Bill220 Bill220
Sera26,

I'm a guy but we have a lot in common. I was overweight as a child, my eyes were crossed (one still is), and we moved a lot so I got ridiculed a lot and was always the “new kid”. I got picked on daily for years. In college, I started watching what I ate and began weight training and other forms of exercise and that's when women started to notice and take an interest in me. However, I had such a low opinion of myself that I couldn't understand why. In the ensuing years, I ended up with an alcohol problem along with the food and exercise thing. I didn't know what was wrong with me but I did know that I hated myself. The only time I could feel comfortable in social situations, dating or having sex was after I got half loaded.

Long story short, I ended up in a 12 step program and it's helped me in every area of my life, not just with the alcohol problem. Today I'm pretty OK with me. I'm still in very good shape but my weight goes up and down some. However, I'm not obsessed like I used to be. I still work out and practice good nutrition habits for health reasons as much as I do to look and feel good about myself. I found that people like me just fine if I weigh 220 or 250. There are 12 step meetings for folks with eating issues. It's just a suggestion.

My wife can be really blunt at times, to the point of being rude. She doesn't mean to be hurtful, it's just her way of expressing herself. I used to be really offended and hurt by some of the things that came out of her mouth. We have discussed her sharp tongue at length. She's better than she was but she still blurts out some offensive stuff on occasion but I no longer take personally, at least not most of the time, anyway.

Speaking of my wife, she has weight issues and our sex life has declined markedly since she's put on the weight. And when we do have sex, it has to be with the lights off or she wears a t-shirt. She needs to get some help but won't open up to anyone. Her weight doesn't bother me in the least but it sure does her.
11/14/2012
Contributor: Supervixen Supervixen
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
Sera--
You have been given support on this thread. All of us who answered are trying to help and support you even though you only gave us part of the facts. I went through hell from grade school to the point where I tried to kill myself and ... more
I want to echo this. Sera, nobody in this thread has attacked you--it's all been support. I'm sorry if what you were looking for was just venting and sympathy--but you do that with your therapists, right? If they don't help you work through anything like you say, then why come here looking for more of the same venting, but no advice for how to help yourself out of your rut? It's self-defeating.

Counseling, medication, sympathetic ears and venting are all useful, but not on their own. You are the key to making all of it actually work for you. You have to want to be happy and you have to stop thinking of yourself as the victim. Saying it's your past, your disorders, your autism, your unhelpful counselors, your boyfriend's lack of eloquence, the people you seek help from not giving you the support you want...it's all deflecting everything off of yourself and placing blame elsewhere. I'm not saying everything is your fault. I'm not saying you're to blame for your misery. I'm saying you have the power to take control of your own life, and you have the ability to seek the kind of help you need to turn your attitude around--if you want to badly enough. If you've been through that many therapists, maybe you got unlucky and got some bad ones. Or maybe you misinterpreted their support (much like you did here) as something else...you also misinterpret your boyfriend's comments, and are self aware enough to know that your are doing so. If you have an issue with that, isn't it possible that the same is happening at counseling? Nobody can "fix" you--you are the only one who can do that.

I've been treated for depression for half my life, social anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and have been on the receiving end of plenty of abuse...I mean, emotional and psychological abuse. Medication and counseling could only do so much for me, and looking for sympathy got old, not just for me, but for the family members I practically drove crazy over it, and the real friends I had that I drove away from me by doing that. It wasn't until I decided that I didn't want to be the victim anymore that I learned to, well, not be the victim. And I learned to accept people. If someone is blunt, then that person is blunt. If I stopped and thought about it, I'd realize they had no reason to want to hurt me, and that's just the way that person is. So it stopped hurting my feelings when I stopped and thought about the person's intentions. And the more I recognized the self-defeating patterns in my own behavior, the more I worked on breaking myself of the bad habits. And yes, you can do that, too.

Being self defeating will only keep you in your rut, and thinking everyone is against you will only make it worse. I wish you the best.
11/14/2012
Contributor: tami tami
I have been struggling with my weight for years now...I am not happy about how I look and I am trying to lose the weight but it is very hard...until you are comfortable with yourself you will continue to have issues, the sooner you realize that you are who you are and that is that the better off you will be. Come to terms with yourself then change what you don't like. you have low self esteem because of the fools that tormented you as a child/teenager. this has you super sensitive, and even a gentle teasing has you on edge and defending yourself. If he loves you he loves the good and the bad, your perfection and your imperfections...and so on you know what I mean.
I cannot see your point of view that it is all you or your problem...Have you tried a counselor someone that can guide you to gain some self esteem? Or maybe try couples therapy? Your SO needs to help you feel differently about your self also, no he won't be able to cure all your issues but he can try giving you more complements and offering to "do" your unruly hair for you (even if it is a braid or pony tail).
It does sound like he is just kidding with you but why does he continue to do so if it gets you all worked up? It is very hard to think before you speak, (i know from practice) but it sounds like something you can both work on together, it will save a lot of hurt feelings in the long run. The more you practice it the easier it will become to do it without thinking.
Hope some of the suggestions help you...good luck to you and your SO
11/14/2012