If Your Partner Googled You Without Your Knowledge (and called it checking up on you)...

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If Your Partner Googled You Without Your Knowledge (and called it checking up on you)...

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Contributor: js250 js250
My cousin and her husband have been together for 10 years and have a reasonably solid relationship. There are ups and downs, but nothing I have noticed that was out of the ordinary for being together that long. Both of them are jealous people but there is no evidence or belief on either party that the other person has actually cheated--and besides, they are together most of the time anyway! I am very close to both of them, so this situation made me very leery of answering before getting outside opinions.

So...she called me this morning bawling her eyes out because her husband Googled her to "check up on her." He told her about how she is all over the internet--even on sites she knows nothing about (and seriously, would never visit!) She told me she felt "violated" and "the lack of respect and trust for her makes her want to move away from him."

I can't really relate, it is not anything I have ever thought about due to my hubby's lack of experience on the internet and my lack of search skills--besides, why would we do that after 17 years together? If we don't know about it by now--it is not important. (Heck, I tried to Google myself and came up with everyone but me!! Mine and hubby's search skills are very lacking and minimal.)

--Has this happened to you or a loved one?
--How did you or they feel about it?
--What was the end result?
--Any advice on helping her without getting in the middle of it?
02/27/2014
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Contributor: edeneve edeneve
it has never happened to me. I have Googled myself, though I found me online, very disturbing. I like my anonymity.

as far as her handling this, depending on his reasons for doing this & how he told her would help determine how she could handle this. I would feel like I was being checked up on & definitely wouldn't like it.

is it possible he did this just out of curiosity & Googled himself as well? I wouldn't end a relationship due to this unless there were several other issues contributing to that decision.
02/28/2014
Contributor: Pete's Princess Pete's Princess
(Review Program Mentor)
Googling someone is public knowledge so I am not sure why she got so upset. It is not like he read her journal with her most private thoughts. If they are both jealous then that kind of thing should not be a surprise. If you are married and sharing your life with someone then you should be close enough that they already know you well enough that nothing they can find about you on Goggle should be a surprise.
03/02/2014
Contributor: Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
My cousin and her husband have been together for 10 years and have a reasonably solid relationship. There are ups and downs, but nothing I have noticed that was out of the ordinary for being together that long. Both of them are jealous people but ... more
I agree with Edeneve that it depends how he told her and why he searched. It sounds like he told her in a confrontational manner accusing her of being all over the place online. Why else would she know about the results and say some are sites she doesn't even know about? I think he may have wondered what she was doing online and she knows him well enough that she suspects he was indeed checking up on her in a jealous manner thinking she might be doing illicit things. So here's where the motive comes into play. Most people could care less about a Google search because, as Pete's Princess said, it's common, public domain stuff. However, If I knew or suspected I was searched by my longtime partner (who I think should already know me) because he wanted to find something to either confirm his suspicions or to just see if he should worry, then I would be ticked off. But even then, I would not be all that upset, more like annoyed and a little hurt, but not crying. So I really think there is more to this, including background to their relationship. Imagine a long struggle with false charges of infidelity for example and then see how you'd react to being checked out, likely again. Maybe he accused her of wrongdoing and she has finally had it? Regardless, her reaction is one of someone who has had many things happen that have made this a straw that broke the camel's back. Clearly there is more background to her reaction. This sounds like a symptom of a larger problem for her.

As for dealing with it. You can ask leading questions such as how did she find out. What did she think he meant by this? What about it upset her? You won't get drawn into it and she will be able to vent a little. You just have to be careful to listen and support without picking sides; that should keep you out of it as well as not telling her how to handle it.
03/03/2014
Contributor: charmedtomeetyou charmedtomeetyou
(Review Program Mentor)
I wouldn't care if my partner googled me. That's a strange sentence.

It's out there, anyone else can see it, so why should it matter. If it's the act of checking up on someone that she finds offensive, it's probably an indicator of a larger trust issue, and google isn't to blame.
03/04/2014
Contributor: Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by charmedtomeetyou
I wouldn't care if my partner googled me. That's a strange sentence.

It's out there, anyone else can see it, so why should it matter. If it's the act of checking up on someone that she finds offensive, it's probably an ... more
Now how is it you just said so succinctly what I took so much space to say? lol!
03/06/2014
Contributor: ScorpioCurves ScorpioCurves
I've Googled myself out of curiosity & found a few sites that had my old address and home phone posted. It was a little unnerving considering that this info was posted without my permission or knowledge. Some info was wrong also, one stated that I was a professor at a community college.
Anyway, this post struck my attention because I have a friend who recently got out of an abusive relationship. Her partner was clingy, manipulative, and VERY jealous. It had gotten to the point where her partner was monitoring her phone, social life, and web activity. Luckily, she eventually told her friend about the situation and she's now in the process of obtaining a restraining order. Not saying your friend is currently in this situation, but I do find it odd that her own husband had to look her up on Google to "check up on her"... (which to me sounds more like "keeping her in line") also somewhat alarming since she came to you in tears. If I were to give advice to your friends, I think it would be best if they saw a marriage counselor. If she does feel in danger, or if you think that she might be in danger, I would strongly recommend that she seek help from a domestic violence/sexual assault program in her area.

EDIT: Here's a link that I think might also be helpful .
03/06/2014
Contributor: wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
I wouldn't care if he googled me. I googled him, so what's the big deal?

Besides, he also has access to run background checks on people. If he wanted to do that to me, too, then why care? I do it to people all the time. It's the internet, the information is out there. If it's not hidden, then it's there for the world to see.
03/07/2014