The sadness corner (or misery loves company)

The sadness corner (or misery loves company)

Polyserena Polyserena
EF is way too chirpy for me at the moment. I'm going through some bad relationship stuff I need to talk about. Does anyone want to spread their unhappiness too? I'll start...
09/08/2010
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Polyserena Polyserena
I think I am broken up. I didn't expect to be broken up today. I wanted to improve our sex life and our relationship in general and I haven't been really good at communicating with him because I feel all choked up inside and i get really embarrassed. SO I sent him a letter telling him about what makes me feel sexy and what he does that make me feel unsexy. To make a long story short he doesn't want to put the effort in to change because he feels like the changes I asked for our sex life are too much- that I'd be asking him to change who he is. I think the most I asked was to integrate a dildo into sex sometimes. He thinks that the fact we're both not happy at the moment means we shouldn't be together. That's it. No discussion about it whatsoever.

We had an argument a week ago when I tried to talk about it so I really felt like I had to resolve it. Instead of him sorting it out, whilst cuddling me after a movie date he comes out with 'What if we're not together forever' and starts talking about how he feels like he might not want to spend the rest of his life with me becasue he doesn't want to have sex with only one person for the rest of his life. Alarm bells went off in my head because he did this when we were first dating for a long long time- reminding me that he wasn't sure about whether we were right together was his way of staying mentally uncommitted to the relationship which effectively made me powerless to deal with any relationship issues, until we broke up and got back together again. I was in a relationship that wasn't a relationship and I didn't want to go back there.

So effectively his telling me that he wanted to see other people was spawned by the fact he couldn't give a damn enough to change the relationship because that would mean he was committed. There is no way that we could be happy because he says it's so. I should be jumping for joy at the ease with which I can predict his immature reactions. But of course I'm not becasue I still love him don't I? I'm about as miserable as I can get. Except maybe it's a little duller this time around.

Give a girl a chance if it doesn't make sense, It's hard enough to make sense of it myself without trying to type through my tears. And I'll probably be embarrassed tomorrow.
09/08/2010
Chilipepper Chilipepper
You're not banging your head into a brick wall anymore, Poly. You've stepped back enough to realize what's been going on (it took me years to finally notice that it wasn't me who was being unreasonable - it was him being too lazy to want to work it out).

As an outsider, it does sound like he's not interested in the relationship anymore. You've mentioned a fear of commitment on his part as well as his desire to not improve your physical relationship. And very likely hoping you'll be the one to tell him it's over so he won't feel any guilt about breaking up. (I know lots of guys like this - they'll string the girl along, act like a jerk, and hope she'll break it off so he won't have to take responsibility).

You deserve better than this child who is so selfish as to make you the adult in the relationship because he won't grow up. You can survive without him, he is not necessary to your existence. Love is when another person's happiness and welfare is essential to your own. He doesn't care that you're unhappy and he complains that he's not happy - NOT by any fault of your own, I may add; you can't make a person happy.

If you want to stay and be unhappy, that's your right. You'll just continue banging your head into a wall, though, and nothing will change. Don't end up in your 30's like me when you finally realize you wasted your life with a jerk who doesn't give a damn. All women deserve to be treated with respect by their lovers.
09/08/2010
P'Gell P'Gell
Poly, I'm sorry this happened. He doesn't want to do anything to make sex more interesting for you, he doesn't want to try anything new, he wants to "see other people" (which is really a Red Flag, unless you both agree on an Open Relationship, and being In Crisis is NOT the time to even think about an Open Relationship IMO) the two of you want different things, and it doesn't look like there's a way to reconcile. (Unless you give up who YOU are and will end up completely miserable just to "keep him" which I highly advise against doing at all cost.)

In short, you can't change him. He's happy the way he is. Sometimes people are content the way they are, and you have no control over the relationship. Even in a good relationship, you really don't have "control" over the person. They either agree or disagree to do different things, depending on how much they want to try different things.

I'm sorry this happened, but it's better to go on and end it, rather than thinking you can "change" someone who can't change. Change ONLY comes from within, and if he's satisfied with himself, he sees no reason to change.

Hugs, it will get better for you, once you have time to grieve and realize you are better off.
09/08/2010
Polyserena Polyserena
Thanks both for your support. Yes I have felt like I'm banging my head against a wall, exactly.

I can't help but get angry at him, but I'm so confused. Sometimes when I'm really uspet at him I get inexplicably strong waves of affection for him, like a compulsion to bake him a bunch of muffins or something. Completely crazy I call it. And it's probably why we've lasted so long. But I never know whether to follow my heart or my head. And now I'm looking for ways I've stuffed up in communication. But even if I have I don't know if it makes any difference. I don't know when I'll start to feel like I'm better off either. I think it's gonna be a while, there's so much about our relationship that was special.

Basically I've done a lot of giving and changing to make the relationship work. But apparently he doesn't think I'm worth the same. His thought process is apparently that I'm a great girlfriend but things are supposed to be easier or more sparky or something, without that effort. So if it doesn't work- get rid of it. It's completely the opposite to the way I work. I don't hate him for thinking that way, just think he's stupid because life isn't like that. But I can't change his attitude. To me it just seemed like it went downhill so quickly but he's apparently been feeling this way for a while now without me noticing much. I'm done babbling now.. I feel a bit better. Thanks everyone I'm going to try to sleep.
09/08/2010
Envy Envy
I'm just going to be rather to the point:

If someone doesn't want to make the effort to try to make a relationship work, then it shows the kind of person they are: they won't make any effort for anything that has any real meaning. Relationships are a two-way street, and if one does all the work, then it becomes very unhealthy. It's worse on yourself to bend to his will and what he wants while you suffer in silence and let it eat away at you. The fact that what you feel and what doesn't matter to him makes him a very shallow and selfish person. And you can't change a person if they don't want to change, either.
09/08/2010
gone77 gone77
I'm basically in agreement with everyone else who posted, so I'm just going to wish you the best of luck with this no matter what turn it takes. *hug*
09/08/2010
Persephone's Addiction Persephone's Addiction
Quote:
Originally posted by Polyserena
Thanks both for your support. Yes I have felt like I'm banging my head against a wall, exactly.

I can't help but get angry at him, but I'm so confused. Sometimes when I'm really uspet at him I get inexplicably strong waves of ...
Boy do I sympathize!
I went through a cycle with my ex, where I would be fed up and tell myself that I deserved better than a man that was emotionally unavailable and sexually disinterested, and then I would feel like I was being too demanding, and then I would be uber-loving and try to be affectionate and do things for him. I realize that urge was a desire for approval - and let me tell you, no amount of muffins is going to make a boy into a man.
After almost 8 years together, I realized that the problem was NOT that I was an inconstant woman who didn't have what it took to maintain a relationship, but that he and I were not right for each other. All faults aside, if two people are incompatible or have incompatible needs, then the relationship is pointless.
09/13/2010
Harlequin Harlequin
sorry to hear!
12/09/2010
Lucidity Lucidity
Buy yourself something pretty!
12/10/2010
K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
You're not banging your head into a brick wall anymore, Poly. You've stepped back enough to realize what's been going on (it took me years to finally notice that it wasn't me who was being unreasonable - it was him being too lazy to ...
100% PERFECT ADVICE!
05/13/2011
K101 K101
Aw I am so sorry you're going through this. I had a similar relationship in the past. He acted very distant except on thursdays when he wanted sex. Lol

I hate to say it, but it does sound like he's distanced himself from the relationship and is not going to commit any time soon if ever. Those kinds of guys will allow you to keep on pouring your all into the relationship and sit back and snore while you're doing it all. They have no interest in communicating or improvements of any sort. The whole "it would be you changing who i am" is a joke and extremely immature. I would think that kind of lame ass excuse would be an insult to men. Excuse my language and firey-ness. I tend to get fired up. You do deserve better and I hope you don't stick around to only be further disappointed. I don't know your relationship, but it doesn't sound like he cares much. I wish you the best and I hope you find someone who wants to give you the world! There are tons of em' out there. They make them like that now!
05/13/2011
Total posts: 12
Unique posters: 9