The importance of sex to a relationship

The importance of sex to a relationship

LaLaLouise LaLaLouise
A post similar to this may have been posted in the past, but I'm not asking a generalized question, I am facing a very serious problem in my relationship and I'm seeking advice. Just a warning, I tend to be long-winded.

I have been with my sweetie for a year and a half, living together for 2 and a half months. You could describe our sex style to be "vanilla" especially compared to fetishy stuff a lot of EF members like to indulge in. But we don't have much interest for much else. So that part isn't a complaint, lol.

I have a unique problem. I cannot have an orgasm without vibration. This isn't because vibrators "desensitized" me, it has always been this way. In fact, I had no interest in even trying vibrators until a couple of years after I became sexually active. Penetration and even manual or oral stimulation did nothing for me. It wasn't that I couldn't feel it or that it was painful, it just didn't feel like anything special to me.

Despite this problem, I am somewhat of a nympho when I'm in a relationship. This is because of what sex means to me. It isn't just this physical thing I do to get off. It's very emotional for me. And I know from experience that no matter how much I like someone as a person or how attractive I find them, if I don't have a deep emotional and intellectual connection with them, I won't enjoy the sex. So sex has become a way for the to take that existing connection and bring it to a physical level. It is a way for me to express to the other person how I feel about them and how close I want to be to them. Just about every time I initiate sex (and I am always the one initiating), I'm not even physically aroused. We're laying there cuddling and being affectionate and I just want to be even closer. And afterwards, as long as I felt that connection and that I had pleased the other person, I don't even have to grab my rabbit, I can fall asleep happy without having had an orgasm.

In my current relationship, and my last one, we've come to a point where he doesn't want it as often. And this hurts me on a few different levels. For starters, I have always struggled with self-esteem issues and while this isn't the first guy to tell me that I'm beautiful, he's the first one to make me actually feel like I am. So when he doesn't want me, it makes me feel like he no longer finds me attractive. And considering how deep and emotional sex is for me, it makes me feel like he doesn't care about experiencing that connection or allowing me to express love to him in that way.

Since joining EF, I've learned a lot and have been very inspired to improve my sex life. I have tried finger vibes in the past for clitoral stimulation during sex, but discovered that it has to be just right (a regular-sized bullet with a jelly sleeve, with rumbly vibrations instead of buzzy ones). Ordered an awesome bullet from EF on a buyout review, and had talked to him about it first to see if he'd be willing to try a few different positions. He also has a unique problem. If vibration comes into contact with his penis, it goes numb. So I warned him ahead of time that we may need to get a little creative.

It came in yesterday and we tried it last night, and of the positions he was willing to try, one in particular was really good, I think I came really close to climaxing, but couldn't get quite there. And other ones just didn't work for other reasons. But I made a lot of suggestions and he says they all seem like they would be "awkward". So I'm getting very frustrated. I know that it's not his fault that I have this problem, but instead of being reluctantly willing to try things, I want him to WANT to try things. I want him to get excited when I talk about sex rather than intimidated or awkward. I want him to want to explore my body rather than always doing the same things over and over again. Yes, I get it, you know that I like to have my nipples played with. That doesn't mean you have to rub them and do nothing else. I've gotten to a point where I just want to scream at him, "My rabbit works harder to improve our sex life than you do!"

Am I being selfish? Are my expectations too high? Or am I right for being so upset about having such a crappy sex life? This is all very similar to what happened in my previous relationship. I love this guy and don't want to break up with him, but I don't want to put so much time and energy into someone that doesn't put any time or energy into me.

So I'm looking for advice, and I know that the first thing many of you will want to suggest is talking and communicating with him. I do that already. All the time. And I'm a pretty kick-ass communicator. In the time we've been together, we've never once had an argument. And that doesn't mean we suppress our emotions, when we get upset with one another we simply choose to talk about it instead of argue. I have been very open and honest about what's going on and how it makes me feel. I've been non-confrontational and receptive to what he has to say--except that he usually doesn't have anything to say at all. He's somewhat willing to try SOME of the things I suggest, but when I ask him to try to come up with ideas, he just says he doesn't know. What should I do?
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El-Jaro El-Jaro
I think I see where you're coming from on this.

Historically, the 1 1/2 year hurdle was usually the end of my relationships, except this current one I'm in (3 1/2 years!!!)

It's good that you're talking and keeping lines of communication open. When it comes to his sex drive though, is it just not high? Is just not much of a sexual person? If he's just not a sexual person, there isn't anything you can do. You can't force a person to be something they aren't.

Good luck!
LaLaLouise LaLaLouise
Well we had plenty of sex at for the first year or so. And I think the bigger issue isn't that it's not happening often, it's that he's not enthusiastic about helping me find a solution to my problem. After I pointed out to him that he was rejecting me and let him know that it was hurtful, he didn't do it as much. I guess what sucks is that I feel like he doesn't have any passion for me.
Naughty Student Naughty Student
This sounds a lot like my relationship with my partner.

I am kinkier than my guy. I like very kinky porn and when he watches or glimpses what I like he thinks it's horrible and wrong. Sex toys are a very important for me to orgasm during sex. I can orgasm without but I need to be SUPER aroused and stimulated the right way for a long time before I cum.

Although he wants me to cum he tends to have his little routine, which excludes foreplay and is limited to his favorite position, which can be super painful for me when I am not aroused. He loves me and he is a good lover but he is very slow on opening up to sex toys.

But my partner is not too receptive to my toy use. He hates that I review sex toys, but thank god he is improving!

I think that the big thing behind my guys unresponsiveness to my needs is due to his feelings of inadequacy when it comes to his performance, which I must say is quite excellent. Every time I try to propose something. such as "I want more foreplay" or "I really like it when you do this, can you do it more often" or even "can I use a vibrator?" I get a distant lover. It's hard for him to talk to me about sex. He knows I love him and that I find him to be an excellent lover but he still feels annoyed or disturbed when I try to make things more exciting for myself by making requests.

He has improved, I can use toys during sex and he even proposes I use them when he is tired. He has been open enough to try paddles with me. I tell him what I like but he rarely does it. He never takes the initiative to worship my body the way I worship his. I think he takes it for granted that I do so much for him. He says "I know you love it, that's why you do it so much", so it sort of excuses his "laziness".

I am still struggling internally with feelings about our situation. I am happy with him and he does satisfy me sexually, but I just wish there was more bcs he can do more. I wish that talking about sex were easier for him. I wish he wasn't intimidated by my openness to try new things, and that he would be more proactive in our sex life more than simply receiving all the time.

We have been together for almost 7 years and it's always getting better. We are awesome communicators too, but sex is not on my lovers list of things he is comfortable to talk about. So I basically have resigned. I can't change him and I don't want to. I love him just the way he is.

I just have to trust that he will see over time how can do things differently. I encourage him a lot. I am always positive when I talk about sex, to make sure he doesn't feel bad. He is very sensitive about his performance, but I have no idea why, he is awesome.

So my advice is find a way to deal with your thoughts and emotions in a healthy way. I don't think your partner will change. Be positive when you talk about sex, avoid talking about sex right after sex unless it is positive. I try to only make positive comments.

I try to focus on what I want rather than what I don't want anymore, that way I am sending good vibes out in the universe to receive what I want...I know I am a geek! For example, if he did something you didn't like you could say something like "I would really like it if we do this/try that/go here, watch that..." so that the focus is not on what you didn't like but on how you would do it differently the next time around! It has worked really well for me.

My partner is not open to everything but he is opening up more and more over time!
LaLaLouise LaLaLouise
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but I'm glad he's slowing opening up. Isn't it frustrating?! I had another talk with him last night, repeating a lot of the things I've said before but for some reason he was a lot more responsive. I think it's because I wanted to be alone and went in our second bedroom/storage room, which I've never done before. I guess he took that as a big hint that this really is bothering me. I hope your situation and mine get better. I told him my main problem wasn't the problem itself, but his lack of enthusiasm when working on it.
Naughty Student Naughty Student
Originally posted by LaLaLouise
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but I'm glad he's slowing opening up. Isn't it frustrating?! I had another talk with him last night, repeating a lot of the things I've said before but for some reason he was a lot more ...
Wow, I'm glad to hear he was responsive and that your discussion went well.

For my part it's something I am dealing with internally, I know my partner tries to jump out of his comfort zone when I ask him to try things with me. I love that he never says no, but I wish he would continue instead of doing it only once.

In time! He is sort of excited that I will be getting a wand type massager. He proposed that I buy it as he wants me to orgasm more quickly and more often. He said something like "why don't you get a giant vibrator like in porn?" and I knew which one he was talking about so I told him I was and his face lit up. He NEVER proposes I order more toys, so it surprised me that he did.

So some things suck but other things rock.
Total posts: 6
Unique posters: 3