A post similar to this may have been posted in the past, but I'm not asking a generalized question, I am facing a very serious problem in my relationship and I'm seeking advice. Just a warning, I tend to be long-winded.
I have been with my sweetie for a year and a half, living together for 2 and a half months. You could describe our sex style to be "vanilla" especially compared to fetishy stuff a lot of EF members like to indulge in. But we don't have much interest for much else. So that part isn't a complaint, lol.
I have a unique problem. I cannot have an orgasm without vibration. This isn't because vibrators "desensitized" me, it has always been this way. In fact, I had no interest in even trying vibrators until a couple of years after I became sexually active. Penetration and even manual or oral stimulation did nothing for me. It wasn't that I couldn't feel it or that it was painful, it just didn't feel like anything special to me.
Despite this problem, I am somewhat of a nympho when I'm in a relationship. This is because of what sex means to me. It isn't just this physical thing I do to get off. It's very emotional for me. And I know from experience that no matter how much I like someone as a person or how attractive I find them, if I don't have a deep emotional and intellectual connection with them, I won't enjoy the sex. So sex has become a way for the to take that existing connection and bring it to a physical level. It is a way for me to express to the other person how I feel about them and how close I want to be to them. Just about every time I initiate sex (and I am always the one initiating), I'm not even physically aroused. We're laying there cuddling and being affectionate and I just want to be even closer. And afterwards, as long as I felt that connection and that I had pleased the other person, I don't even have to grab my rabbit, I can fall asleep happy without having had an orgasm.
In my current relationship, and my last one, we've come to a point where he doesn't want it as often. And this hurts me on a few different levels. For starters, I have always struggled with self-esteem issues and while this isn't the first guy to tell me that I'm beautiful, he's the first one to make me actually feel like I am. So when he doesn't want me, it makes me feel like he no longer finds me attractive. And considering how deep and emotional sex is for me, it makes me feel like he doesn't care about experiencing that connection or allowing me to express love to him in that way.
Since joining EF, I've learned a lot and have been very inspired to improve my sex life. I have tried finger vibes in the past for clitoral stimulation during sex, but discovered that it has to be just right (a regular-sized bullet with a jelly sleeve, with rumbly vibrations instead of buzzy ones). Ordered an awesome bullet from EF on a buyout review, and had talked to him about it first to see if he'd be willing to try a few different positions. He also has a unique problem. If vibration comes into contact with his penis, it goes numb. So I warned him ahead of time that we may need to get a little creative.
It came in yesterday and we tried it last night, and of the positions he was willing to try, one in particular was really good, I think I came really close to climaxing, but couldn't get quite there. And other ones just didn't work for other reasons. But I made a lot of suggestions and he says they all seem like they would be "awkward". So I'm getting very frustrated. I know that it's not his fault that I have this problem, but instead of being reluctantly willing to try things, I want him to WANT to try things. I want him to get excited when I talk about sex rather than intimidated or awkward. I want him to want to explore my body rather than always doing the same things over and over again. Yes, I get it, you know that I like to have my nipples played with. That doesn't mean you have to rub them and do nothing else. I've gotten to a point where I just want to scream at him, "My rabbit works harder to improve our sex life than you do!"
Am I being selfish? Are my expectations too high? Or am I right for being so upset about having such a crappy sex life? This is all very similar to what happened in my previous relationship. I love this guy and don't want to break up with him, but I don't want to put so much time and energy into someone that doesn't put any time or energy into me.
So I'm looking for advice, and I know that the first thing many of you will want to suggest is talking and communicating with him. I do that already. All the time. And I'm a pretty kick-ass communicator. In the time we've been together, we've never once had an argument. And that doesn't mean we suppress our emotions, when we get upset with one another we simply choose to talk about it instead of argue. I have been very open and honest about what's going on and how it makes me feel. I've been non-confrontational and receptive to what he has to say--except that he usually doesn't have anything to say at all. He's somewhat willing to try SOME of the things I suggest, but when I ask him to try to come up with ideas, he just says he doesn't know. What should I do?
I have been with my sweetie for a year and a half, living together for 2 and a half months. You could describe our sex style to be "vanilla" especially compared to fetishy stuff a lot of EF members like to indulge in. But we don't have much interest for much else. So that part isn't a complaint, lol.
I have a unique problem. I cannot have an orgasm without vibration. This isn't because vibrators "desensitized" me, it has always been this way. In fact, I had no interest in even trying vibrators until a couple of years after I became sexually active. Penetration and even manual or oral stimulation did nothing for me. It wasn't that I couldn't feel it or that it was painful, it just didn't feel like anything special to me.
Despite this problem, I am somewhat of a nympho when I'm in a relationship. This is because of what sex means to me. It isn't just this physical thing I do to get off. It's very emotional for me. And I know from experience that no matter how much I like someone as a person or how attractive I find them, if I don't have a deep emotional and intellectual connection with them, I won't enjoy the sex. So sex has become a way for the to take that existing connection and bring it to a physical level. It is a way for me to express to the other person how I feel about them and how close I want to be to them. Just about every time I initiate sex (and I am always the one initiating), I'm not even physically aroused. We're laying there cuddling and being affectionate and I just want to be even closer. And afterwards, as long as I felt that connection and that I had pleased the other person, I don't even have to grab my rabbit, I can fall asleep happy without having had an orgasm.
In my current relationship, and my last one, we've come to a point where he doesn't want it as often. And this hurts me on a few different levels. For starters, I have always struggled with self-esteem issues and while this isn't the first guy to tell me that I'm beautiful, he's the first one to make me actually feel like I am. So when he doesn't want me, it makes me feel like he no longer finds me attractive. And considering how deep and emotional sex is for me, it makes me feel like he doesn't care about experiencing that connection or allowing me to express love to him in that way.
Since joining EF, I've learned a lot and have been very inspired to improve my sex life. I have tried finger vibes in the past for clitoral stimulation during sex, but discovered that it has to be just right (a regular-sized bullet with a jelly sleeve, with rumbly vibrations instead of buzzy ones). Ordered an awesome bullet from EF on a buyout review, and had talked to him about it first to see if he'd be willing to try a few different positions. He also has a unique problem. If vibration comes into contact with his penis, it goes numb. So I warned him ahead of time that we may need to get a little creative.
It came in yesterday and we tried it last night, and of the positions he was willing to try, one in particular was really good, I think I came really close to climaxing, but couldn't get quite there. And other ones just didn't work for other reasons. But I made a lot of suggestions and he says they all seem like they would be "awkward". So I'm getting very frustrated. I know that it's not his fault that I have this problem, but instead of being reluctantly willing to try things, I want him to WANT to try things. I want him to get excited when I talk about sex rather than intimidated or awkward. I want him to want to explore my body rather than always doing the same things over and over again. Yes, I get it, you know that I like to have my nipples played with. That doesn't mean you have to rub them and do nothing else. I've gotten to a point where I just want to scream at him, "My rabbit works harder to improve our sex life than you do!"
Am I being selfish? Are my expectations too high? Or am I right for being so upset about having such a crappy sex life? This is all very similar to what happened in my previous relationship. I love this guy and don't want to break up with him, but I don't want to put so much time and energy into someone that doesn't put any time or energy into me.
So I'm looking for advice, and I know that the first thing many of you will want to suggest is talking and communicating with him. I do that already. All the time. And I'm a pretty kick-ass communicator. In the time we've been together, we've never once had an argument. And that doesn't mean we suppress our emotions, when we get upset with one another we simply choose to talk about it instead of argue. I have been very open and honest about what's going on and how it makes me feel. I've been non-confrontational and receptive to what he has to say--except that he usually doesn't have anything to say at all. He's somewhat willing to try SOME of the things I suggest, but when I ask him to try to come up with ideas, he just says he doesn't know. What should I do?
