This week break is killing me.

This week break is killing me.

Anne Anne
My boyfriend and I are taking a week break from each other... mostly because we've been fighting a lot. I'm supposed to be back at my apartment all alone, trying to pack most of my things before the end of July. I've been feeling really apathetic about doing mostly anything lately, mostly because I'm a little depressed and it's way too hot in my apartment. I miss him a lot, and I think he misses me too... despite all the fighting that's been going on.

While we were with each other, we were at each other's necks constantly. Apparently, he can't trust me because I have screwed up trying to quit smoking behind his back twice (quitting is hard), and he can never seem to get over my past relationships before him even though I can't change what's been said and done. He also stresses that I don't do a lot for myself, and sometimes I'm so confused with what he means by that. In addition, he has also told me that it's upsetting to him that I don't connect with his friends, like I don't make an effort to like he does with mine. His friends are all about politics, and other abstract things that are beyond my comprehension. I always shell up and say nothing in a group setting, or hide away if they are around because they make me feel incompetent. We've also been on a dry spell with sex (more like me being on one, mostly because I cater to him all the time) because I need to see a doctor about an on-going yeast infection... which I stress to him that he needs to go with me, and this upsets him (because yeast infections are asymptomatic in some men, and can cause me more yeast infections in the future if he doesn't treat himself). This usually goes on to another subject more hurtful to me... "You probably have an STD." How? HOW? I've been with him faithfully for 5 months. I've been tested for every single thing, and there's nothing there.

I've also caught him talking to his mother, which disturbs me a little. I owe him a lot of money, which I'm slowly making payments on. Once his mother found out what money I'd taken from her little boy, she takes it upon herself to draw out most of her retirement fund. I feel like that was a slap in my face... and she has been texting her son everyday it seems checking on him, on us. It just makes me feel like such a horrible person.

Despite how unhappy I am in this current situation, I want to work things through... which is why we decided to take a break from each other. I'm just nervous because I'm so emotionally attached to him, and I don't know what I would do without him if this didn't work. It took me so long to finally find someone out there special enough for me.

Do you think this break will do us any good? It's already killing me inside to be away for even a couple days without him... and he sent me a text like that last night, saying he couldn't fall asleep.
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P'Gell P'Gell
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. It sounds like you and he are very different. He seems to value independence and you seem to want to cling. Why does he need to go to the doctor with you? I've been with My Man for over 20 years, I've have hundreds of yeast infections and the only time he's come to the doctor with me is once for 2 of my 5 pregnancies, and he drove me to the Emergency Room twice in 20 years for UTIs when the doctor's office was closed. If I have a UTI or a vaginal infection and I can get a doctor appointment, I go alone.

99.999% of the time I go to the doctor on my own, like an adult.

I can see his issue. He want a relationship with someone who will take responsibility. You said he wants you to "do more for yourself." Do you leave the shopping, the heavy cleaning, the maintenance, calling repair men, buying appliances and furniture all to him? He may need someone he can spar with intelectually, especially if politics is very important to him. I know I'm a very political person and couldn't have a relationship with a man who was politically unaware or uninterested.
~What do the two of you like together and talk about in common?
~What interests do you share?
~Can you take this time apart to bring yourself up to date on current events and learn more about the World so he has a partner, instead of someone he may feel he has to "take care of?"

Some men love a helpless girl they can do everything for, some want a partner, some, of course, want a woman to take care of them. You need to discern who he is and what kind of relationship is best for both of you.

He isn't going to stop being interested in how our political system works even if you don't participate. People who have an interest in things like this can't really substitute something else, unless there is a similar intellectual pursuit you and he can share.

What do you and he have in common in terms of interests and goals for life? Neither of you will be happy for long if you don't have some common interests. You don't have to have ALL your interests the same (that would be boring) but the ones which are more important to each of you should be shared by the other.

What is your biggest strength as a couple? (And no "being in love" doesn't count. Honestly, it isn't enough.) What quality of life do you both treasure with the same intensity? THAT will tell you a lot about the relationship and where it is going.

Good luck. Take this week to bone up on current events, visit the library, watch CNN, do some work around your apartment you've been putting off, maybe MAKE something you can be proud of. Don't just sit around and pine for him. That is the worst thing you can do for the relationship. My guess is he isn't the "pining" type. He's probably making the most of his time alone to learn and do, and you may want to do the same. If that doesn't appeal to you.... I don't know what would work.

Good luck.
Envy Envy
I think P'Gell hit the nail on the head there. Couldn't have said it better myself.

I think that during this time you should do for you. You should also learn to stand on your own two feet. If you don't learn to do things, what will you do when he's not there anymore, or anyone, to help you? One cannot depend on another for everything because someday that help won't be there, and then what?

I also have a feeling he is somewhat insecure and putting those insecurities on you. That's not fair to either of you.

I think the break is a great idea. And if you guys want to really try to work things out, perhaps a visit to a counselor may be in order. One of my counselors told me something that really hit home with me and that makes a lot of sense: we all have problems, medical, emotional, etc. We are all learning to pick ourselves up and try to grow as people. There becomes a problem though, when we are with people who refuse to grow, and if we try to take on our own problems while picking up someone else, we won't get anywhere, so we need to find people who are willing to learn and grow as well so that we can grow together.

Think of it like two wounded/handicapped people helping support each other so they can walk together as one being. If one doesn't put in the effort, both people don't get very far.

Good luck. Hope at least some of that made sense.
Geogeo Geogeo
I think breaks can do wonders, that is, if you're together too much and just need some free space to breathe. But honestly, if you need a break after only 5 months, I think there may be problems that go beyond that. It doesn't really seem like you two are compatible. At 5 months you should still be all over each other, not fighting.
Petite Valentine Petite Valentine
Actually, I completely understand wanting to drag a SO to the doctor. SOs who ignore what you're telling them, or worse, make stupid illogical leaps like "you have an STD" can't gainsay a medical professional who tells them they're wrong and need to be checked.

His frustration with some things is understandable: your social world and interests should expand, not contract, when you are with a partner. It sounds like his friends intimidate you, but I would make an effort to engage in conversation anyway. You don't have to be a political hawk, but you can do them the courtesy of listening even if you don't feel inclined to contribute. Also, don't be afraid to ask questions. Just making a small effort to be part of the social circle could really improve your relationship with his friends, and with him.

About other things your boyfriend needs a reality check and a dose of maturity: cigarettes are an addiction and it will take time and possibly multiple tries to kick them; and there's nothing he can or ever will be able to do about not being your first — he needs to grow up and get over that.

Don't let the issue with his mother upset you. That's a mother/son relationship and attacking it will only end badly for you. You know that you're not trying to rip him off, so don't worry about what she thinks at the moment. In time, when you've paid back the money, she'll see what your true character is like.

I agree with P'Gell about looking at the relationship, and taking some time to figure out what type of partner you want, and want to be. He should do the same, and at the end of the week you can sit down together and discuss it.

El-Jaro El-Jaro
I've been in similar relationships with some/most/all of those issues, depending on the ex. My advice - walk on. You're 22 and have a LOT ahead of you. If you're having issues like this 5 months in, a magic 8 ball would say "Outlook not good".

1 Never get money mixed up in a relationship unless there are rings and a signed license. Relationships are tricky in the beginning, money just makes it worse.
2 If you're a smoker, don't ever try to hook up with a non-smoker unless you know they aren't the die-hard type. You don't need the Food Network to know that's a recipe for trouble.
3 You're 22. You have years to learn about yourself.

Get the money stuff sorted out and move on.
js250 js250
One thing that is really bothering me about your post is that you are stating things he has said to you...but no supporting or opposing justifications. Is he controlling and does he make little digs that are eroding your self-confidence?

[italics|"Apparently, he can't trust me because I have screwed up trying to quit smoking behind his back twice (quitting is hard), and he can never seem to get over my past relationships before him even though I can't change what's been said and done. He also stresses that I don't do a lot for myself, and sometimes I'm so confused with what he means by that. In addition, he has also told me that it's upsetting to him that I don't connect with his friends, like I don't make an effort to like he does with mine. His friends are all about politics, and other abstract "]

Why is it that the smoking issue has eroded all his trust? Why not just not trusting you only about the smoking? OR better yet, supporting you even if you have a minor -I hope- relapse? Is he an all or nothing type person? If so, you have a lot of thinking about your future and what you are willing to take, give up and withstand.

Your past relationships are your business, but if you have been open and honest with him it can and might bother him. Has he had fewer relationships? Were you more sexually active? Or does he just expect you to have been dead until he showed up in your life? What is it exactly about those relationships that bother him? If he is just that jealous, you will end up isolated from every friend and family member you have, will get the third degree at a grocery store, bank, etc. wherever there are other humans and will end up constantly defending yourself against his accusations.

Specifically, do you personally rely on him for car repairs, bill paying, grocery shopping, your appointments, your responsibilities, etc. Or do you expect him to go everywhere with you? If so, why and when did this start? Have you always been dependent or is this just his opinion? Does it come down to the money and how he tells you you need to live your life? If you are dependent, start doing small things for yourself, by yourself and work your way up to gaining control of your responsibilities. Take pride in your accomplishments!!! You deserve it!!

His friends are just as important to him as your friends are to you. I understand not knowing about or being interested in their conversation topics, but maybe if you tried to make some small talk and come up with a topic of mutual interest, it could really help smooth the social occasions for both of you! I empathize--my hubby has friends like that as well.

His mom will always be there, she is his mother. When you have kids, you will understand that you do not stop being a parent when they turn of age. You always worry about your kids and try to look out for them. Yes, this can go way overboard--but stay the hell out of that aspect of his relationship!! It will bite your butt in the end. She has the right to take her mosey out of any account it is in, however maybe you should try talking to her and tell her about the payments and the arrangements you two have made regarding his money. Find some common ground and try to neutralize the situation.

You are young, but many people develop life long relationships at your age and younger. Just make sure to know what you want, where you see your life going and that he is the right person to grow with you at your side as an equal partner. If not, you two need to talk about how you can fix your issues or agree to let it go. This will take time--longer than a week. But the investment in yourself and your future is worth more than you know or will know in the next few years. I wish I would have had someone tell me these things years ago--it could have prevented a lot of pain to many people.

I am not trying to be harsh or rude--I really do care about you and your situation! I am not judging you or him but trying to possible find out more about what is going on so I may be able to give you some words of wisdom that may actually help. You are welcome to message me at any time, I will always be here for you or anyone else with issues like these.

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