The New Intimacy

Your feelings on single income partnerships?

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Contributor: jr2012 jr2012
Hi friends, I need some advice on something that has been weighing heavily on me the past few months.

I am at a point in my relationship where I am making enough money alone to sustain both myself and my partner. I decided a while ago after he quit his job in a different city to come live with me, that I will give him some time to work on his dream project (writing a novel), which is obviously a pursuit that is not making money at this point.

The thing is, that every time someone learns that he is essentially unemployed, I get strange looks, I get asked when he is going to get a job to help support us, and most disturbingly, I get asked if he is taking advantage of me.

This upsets me greatly, because while yes, he is not bringing in income, I am letting the person I love live his dream while I am able to let him. Do you think this is wrong? Could this just a double standard because, me, as the female partner is the working person? Why do you think I am getting so many negative responses to this arrangement?
03/28/2013
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Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
It's going against societal tradition that the man is the breadwinner - if he isn't, then he's a moocher. There's no room for reality in those assumptions.

Personally, I think it's fine as long as the bills are paid and nobody resents the arrangement. But it's still going against ingrained expectations of gender roles.

It's nobody's business and they have no right to comment, that's what it boils down to.
03/28/2013
Contributor: Peggi Peggi
Quote:
Originally posted by jr2012
Hi friends, I need some advice on something that has been weighing heavily on me the past few months.

I am at a point in my relationship where I am making enough money alone to sustain both myself and my partner. I decided a while ago after ... more
Essentially, that's what my hubby and I did. I was working at a high paying medical job and he left his job to move out of state and live with me. I offered him some time for fun, not even for a money making dream, but just to sit at home, play video games, have fun. And since 2010 that is what he has been doing. Now, I ended up having to leave that job and am now on disability, and he is currently looking for work, but during the time I worked, people had the same impression and reaction that people are with you. I don't think it's wrong at all, and I had to basically tell some people off, saying that just because it isn't traditional doesn't make it wrong. If I had the better paying job and could and didn't mind supporting us, what was the problem? Just because I'm a woman I can't support my (at the time) boyfriend? If he were working and I sat at home all the time on facebook would it be ok? Yes. So why is it that when the woman is working and the man is at home, it's suddenly "wrong". That was what I pointed out. And honestly didn't care if people didn't like it. I was happy to do it, he enjoyed the break, and I loved not having to do housework in exchange! Plus, he pampered me when I got home, bubble baths, dinner ready, foot rubs while watching a movie or show on TV. It was great!
03/28/2013
Contributor: bayosgirl bayosgirl
It's none of my business; that's my feeling. as long as both parties are happy with the arrangement, good for them!
03/28/2013
Contributor: married with children married with children
why do you care what other people think? If your relationship is working for you two, then there should be no more talk about it.
03/28/2013
Contributor: Aishiteru Aishiteru
I think they should mind their own business; it's not effecting them. As long as you are happy with the situation, that's all that matter.
03/29/2013
Contributor: Gary Gary
Realistically, someone is always going to have some problem with 'your' life. So you can't worry about the opinions of others. If you and your partner are even remotely happy, you are probably doing better than a lot of those around you. Plus, unhappy people just LOVE to spread their dark clouds.
03/29/2013
Contributor: butts butts
I don't think that's wrong at all, if it works for you, it works for you! End of story. I personally don't want to be in that kind of relationship, I want both of us to be able to hold ourselves up alone if needed, but that's just us.
03/29/2013
Contributor: js250 js250
There are plenty of people who think they have the 'solution' to the way you live. What you need to do is just tell them it works for you guys and you are very happy with your lives the way it is.
03/29/2013
Contributor: unfulfilled unfulfilled
I don't see anything wrong with it as long as you both are comfortable with the arrangement. In the beginning of my marriage he was the only one working for 4 1/2 months while I looked for a job. After that, we both worked for three years until my husband was dissatisfied with his job and wanted to go to college. From there, I supported both of us for 2 years until he finished his two year degree and started working, we both worked again for a year and then I had some pregnancy complications and quit working and have stayed home now for 4 years and 5 months with him being the sole supporter. I will go back to work at least part time once my child starts kindergarten in the 14-15 school year. We have split the roles from time to time, but it has worked for us and our life and relationship is better for it. I didn't want him stuck in a deadend job where he was unhappy all of the time, so supporting us while he went to school was the best option.
03/29/2013
Contributor: Zandrock Zandrock
I think that is fine. As long as both of you are happy then that is cool. I have friends who are in a similar situation. One is a lawyer one is an english PhD and she is writing and she makes not that much money. But they are both happy and in love and do not care, because at the end of the day they have enough to support themselves.

So if the both of you are happy then I think the situation you have is great
03/29/2013
Contributor: jr2012 jr2012
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
Essentially, that's what my hubby and I did. I was working at a high paying medical job and he left his job to move out of state and live with me. I offered him some time for fun, not even for a money making dream, but just to sit at home, play ... more
Thank you for sharing your experience! Glad to hear from someone who has been in exactly the same boat. You are right...having a house boyfriend certainly has it's perks sometimes

I hope he has luck finding a job soon!
03/29/2013
Contributor: jr2012 jr2012
Quote:
Originally posted by Gary
Realistically, someone is always going to have some problem with 'your' life. So you can't worry about the opinions of others. If you and your partner are even remotely happy, you are probably doing better than a lot of those around you. ... more
oooh good point. I know I shouldn't let other people get to me, but of course it's hard when our parents are some of them!

We are happy as little clams. I'm betting we would not be as happy if we both had crappy jobs.

Thanks for weighing in, I feel a lot better about the whole thing now!
03/29/2013
Contributor: Munko Munko
We did this more or less when we first moved in together - it wasn't necessarily for him to live his dream...but we BOTH took a bit of time off from "life" while I supported us...and it gave us a good chance to really figure out what I wanted to do, and him as well. I got asked many of the same questions about him, and it irked me to no end. He never ever asked me to do what I did and support us, I wanted it. He would have got up and got a job the second I told him to, if I wanted him to.

Situations are reversed now, and before baby I brought in a bit of income through a home based type of business, but really nothing more than a bit of play money...he sustains us and then some. And now as a stay at home mom, he's the only breadwinner...and it works for us!
03/31/2013
Contributor: SaucyxGirl SaucyxGirl
Personally the only opinion that I have is along the lines of as long as he isn't using you for money, isn't lazy in every other aspect of life(as in doesn't help out around the house) and both of you are fine with the arrangement there really isn't an issue.

I have seen some men who are so lazy and immature that they expect the female to fully take care of them, besides bringing in the money they also expect their girls to do everything else in the house while they spend the money and sit around playing video games.

That said, Good for you for supporting and helping him realize his dream Getting that first novel done is sometimes a long hard journey. Best of luck to him and also to you.
04/01/2013
Contributor: PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
There was a while when I worked while my ex husband stayed at home with our toddler. I resented him a lot for it. I had been a stay at home mom for 14 months, and he stole that away from me because he wouldn't get off his lazy ass and find work. That was MY situation!

As long as your situation is working out for you, disregard what everyone else is thinking or saying, including family. It doesn't matter. They aren't in your relationship and if you're making it work, that's awesome!
04/01/2013
Contributor: KinkyKatieJames KinkyKatieJames
Honestly, you aren't going to get full approval. However, it shouldn't matter. If you and your partner are happy and are doing well, then that's all that matters!
04/02/2013
Contributor: VeganChick (is Gone) VeganChick (is Gone)
Screw them. If you and your partner are happy with the arrangement then others' opinions don't matter.
05/02/2013