The New Intimacy

Looking for some advice on what makes an open relationship.

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Contributor: Sbmsvschoolgirl Sbmsvschoolgirl
My boyfriend wants to have an open relationship, and we kind of do. We're both involved with other people, I'm seeing another guy who my boyfriend practically threw me at. My boyfriend is seeing another girl who he never actually told me about, he was seeing her behind my back and I found out about her. Ever since then I've been trying to open up communication with him, talk about our relationship, and make things work. He doesn't seem to want to talk about what's going on or have a discussion about our limits and where we both are.

I usually wouldn't share such personal issues on a message board full of strangers, but I don't really have anyone else to talk to. I'm pretty closeted about our "open relationship" status and I don't personally know anyone else in an open relationship. Any advice on how to deal with my situation would be greatly appreciated.
02/19/2013
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Contributor: Ryuson Ryuson
(Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Sbmsvschoolgirl
My boyfriend wants to have an open relationship, and we kind of do. We're both involved with other people, I'm seeing another guy who my boyfriend practically threw me at. My boyfriend is seeing another girl who he never actually told me ... more
I think that you have to tell him that you're not okay being in that kind of relationship if you can't communicate effectively with him. You should talk to him when you're both in a good mood and not during sex, and don't make it sound like you're accusing him. Use lots of "I" statements, like "I don't feel like it's healthy for us to be in this kind of open relationship unless we have a clear discussion about what limits and rules we have."

There may be some reason he doesn't want to open up to you about it, like "I don't like you as much anymore and want to be with the other girl only" or "I got with her because I was jealous" or something, so you have to be prepared for that to come out. You guys have to trust eachother VERY much in this kind of situation, but before we can give you more advice you have to figure out how HE feels. Good luck! Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to!
02/19/2013
Contributor: edeneve edeneve
the two of you need to discuss this. if he absolutely refuses, that tells you something about him.
02/19/2013
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
This isn't an open relationship. This is "I want my cake and eat it, too". I'm sorry to be so blunt, but when it comes to relationships, I don't really believe in sugar-coating things.

This is, without knowing all of the pertinent details, a situation that smacks of you being used. It may be for money, it may be for a roof over his head, it may be for an aspect of your personality he hasn't found elsewhere but make no mistake, you're being used. He was cheating on you and shoved you into the arms of another man to make himself feel less guilty about his own actions. You see, it's justified if you're both doing it.

He had no intention of ever being honest with you. It's unlikely he has any intention of ever being honest with you in the future and were it me in this situation, I would pack my shit and go hang out with the other guy until I found a place where I could go off on my own. I don't think either the original relationships or the relationships on the side are healthy as he probably lied to her about you. And this other guy is either really open and not territorial or he doesn't value and respect you as much as he should.

Again, this is an outsider's perspective and please feel free to correct me where I am wrong. This just all seems sooo wrong.

Open relationships begin with open communication and then seek a third party, not the other way around. My heart goes out to you, you're definitely in between a rock and a hard place!
02/20/2013
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
There is something in the spectrum between Ryuson and Stormy. Without knowing much more we can only infer that he pushed an open relationship because of this other woman. He is unwilling to talk about this or he perceives your questions as personal attacks. Either way there is a disconnect here and unless you have a really close partner who is committed to supporting your other relationship you will have to do this all on your own.

Ryuson has some great advice about how to approach your guy...and Stormy is right as well, if you feel he is using an open relationship as a cover for cheating then this isn't the relationship you should be looking for. In a true open relationship partners should be happy to discuss some particulars about their other partners. Some people like to leave a bit of distance but not quite this much distance.

Either way there are many people here who have negotiated the path of open relationships and we are all here to help.
02/20/2013
Contributor: Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
I don't have any advice that hasn't already been said, but I did want to say that you received some really good answers/suggestions.

If you aren't fully comfortable revealing things on the forum, you could contact any of the people above via PM.

I think you will be glad that you opened this discussion because there are a lot of caring people I've met on here & now you DO have someone(s) to talk to about it - don't suffer through this alone! I'm sorry you're stuck in this crummy situation, good luck.
02/20/2013
Contributor: Sbmsvschoolgirl Sbmsvschoolgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
This isn't an open relationship. This is "I want my cake and eat it, too". I'm sorry to be so blunt, but when it comes to relationships, I don't really believe in sugar-coating things.

This is, without knowing all of the ... more
I agree that it should've started with us communicating then seeking a third party. I guess communication is something we've needed to work on. Part of the problem is I didn't realize there was a communication problem because I would, and still do, tell him everything and I thought that he was telling me everything too, until I found out about the other girl.

I've told him that relationships take a lot of hard work and I'm not sure he's willing to put in the effort. I almost wonder if he's looking for a fairy-tale-perfect relationship where everything just goes the way he wants it to and he doesn't have to compromise or worry about anyone elses feelings.

And maybe that's just me being harsh and upset with him, I don't know. But I did flat out ask him if he was willing to actually put work into our relationship and I told him to take his time and think about it. It's actually starting to drive me a little crazy that I haven't heard back from him. If he says no, we're through, that's fine and I can deal with it. It's the not knowing that I can't stand. Either he wants us to be together or he doesn't, I wish he would just tell me! :/
02/20/2013
Contributor: Sbmsvschoolgirl Sbmsvschoolgirl
Thank you all for you advice and support! I really appreciate your suggestions/opinions and kind words.
02/20/2013
Contributor: lainebug lainebug
Quote:
Originally posted by Sbmsvschoolgirl
My boyfriend wants to have an open relationship, and we kind of do. We're both involved with other people, I'm seeing another guy who my boyfriend practically threw me at. My boyfriend is seeing another girl who he never actually told me ... more
married don't have an open relationship
02/20/2013
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by lainebug
married don't have an open relationship
So your advice is that you are married and don't have an open relationship? How is this helpful exactly?

Or are you saying that you should be married and not having an open relationship? I have to say that if this is the case then I whole heartedly disagree since I have been married 25 years and have never been happier than when we opened our marriage.

Sbmsvschoolgirl I am so sorry that he is being such a butthead! I would advise setting a limit on how long you wait for an answer especially if you aren't actually living together. Sometimes no answer IS an answer, if that makes sense?
02/21/2013
Contributor: Mitzuki Mitzuki
You got some great advice in this thread, honestly I wouldn't know how to add to it!

I agree with Airen though, don't wait for an answer too long. He really is being a butthead and I'm sorry for that as well. It's really not fair to you. If he respected you as he should, he wouldn't make you wait for an answer with something so important like this.
02/21/2013
Contributor: Sbmsvschoolgirl Sbmsvschoolgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
So your advice is that you are married and don't have an open relationship? How is this helpful exactly?

Or are you saying that you should be married and not having an open relationship? I have to say that if this is the case then I whole ... more
Thanks! I was just starting to wonder if I should tell him I need an answer by X time. I just don't know how long is appropriate without rushing him. I want to respect his feelings and needs too, if that makes sense.

And yeah, the no answer being an answer does make sense. I've kind of been preparing myself for the end, since he hasn't responded to me yet.

I also don't know how to bring it up without sounding pushy/insensitive/mean . Like "hey, have you made a decision yet? I'm waiting!" Obviously I wouldn't say it like that, but... I have no idea hoe to approach it non-threateningly. :/
02/21/2013
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Sbmsvschoolgirl
Thanks! I was just starting to wonder if I should tell him I need an answer by X time. I just don't know how long is appropriate without rushing him. I want to respect his feelings and needs too, if that makes sense.

And yeah, the no ... more
The best way would be to actually tell him what you said here. You want to respect his need to think about his answer but he should respect your need to get the answer. Even if he says that he wants to leave you will be better for knowing. Then you can look for a relationship that reflects what you want/need and desire.

I would recommend taking some time even if you do remain together to decide what you really are looking for in a relationship. What do you see creating a safe, open and warm place to be with a partner or partners? Then see if his vision agrees with yours....or if the vision of what you want appeals to any new partner you may find. Then you are starting on equal footing and on honest terms. Be honest and demand honesty. That is the path to happiness.

Good luck and Gods bless.
02/23/2013
Contributor: Sugarfina Sugarfina
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
This isn't an open relationship. This is "I want my cake and eat it, too". I'm sorry to be so blunt, but when it comes to relationships, I don't really believe in sugar-coating things.

This is, without knowing all of the ... more
I agree here.
02/24/2013
Contributor: Sugarfina Sugarfina
Airen has been so helpful here! in all the comments! As has everyone! I've read all the comments and don't see how I can be much help other than I completely support everyone who has spoken here, and you my friend who are in need of some support. I would definitely expect an answer by a certain time and be assertive about what the consequence is going to be and stick to it or he won't take you seriously. You go get em tiger, and have some confidence in yourself. You can do this.
02/24/2013