Poly and Doctors

Honestly, they can and do tell anyone they want. How would you know? I've heard the funniest (and most inappropriate) stories from other HCPs (I'm a nurse, and I see stuff you wouldn't believe from people with MD after their name.) Not all do this, of course, but as your "electronic chart" is available for all to see, there is NO privacy anymore.

I say be honest, to a point. As I said before, be careful about things that don't really matter but may cause you to be treated poorly. Recreational drug use, for instance; if you aren't an addict (aren't using every day, can go without it etc) admitting to it will probably keep you from being given pain meds when you really NEED them.

Your doctor simply doesn't need to know about BDSM activities. Why would he? I am beyond the age where I feel I need to shock and awe everyone in my life with my lifestyle. My doctor doesn't need to know I play with BDSM. On the occasion I would be questioned about a bruise or two (and I rarely get bruises, we are careful) I might make it clear, "We play hard, but I'm not in a abusive relationship." Aside from that WHY would my doctor need to know the details of what goes on in my bedroom/dungeon etc? My GYN is younger and seemed a little "interested" in the frequency of our sexual activity, and he did chart that, but that IS medically relevant. What I play really isn't medically relevant.

I'm just saying doctors are fairly conservative people, at least on the surface, if it effects your health, let him know, if it's going to get your judged and maybe effect your access to good health care (like admitting to occasional drug use and BDSM will) maybe keep it quiet unless there is an overwhelming reason to say something, like to explain a bruise or something similar. But, there is NO reason to ever go into the details of your BDSM activities with your doctor. It simply isn't medically relevant, unless you obtained an injury from it, and even then, I'd probably be VERY careful with what I said.

The only times where it would be medically relevant is if you practice breath play and have had an injury to your jaw, or breathing or circulatory difficulties or having issues with joints pulled out with suspension play. (And in which case, you are probably doing something that could be done in a manner differently that wouldn't result in an injury of these types.)

Well, it makes a difference if you don't get treated properly because you didn't edit your history well. Severe pain is a terrible thing, that not everyone has experienced. You wouldn't be saying "Fuck 'em." when you are being denied pain meds for, say a kidney stone, because you "admitted" to your doctor you use marijuana and he has issues with that and puts an "addict" sticker or warning on your chart, which will prevent you from being treated for pain. (And that "sticker" which will probably be electronic, will be in code, so you'll have NO idea when you go to a totally different doctor and hospital and are suddenly denied pain meds for something you NEED them for because of a not well thought out statement made during a "fuck 'em" moment with your main HCP.)

Really, you don't ever want to say "Fuck 'em." to your HCPs. They literally hold your well being and your life in their hands at times.

Discretion is the better part of valor.

"Doctors are pretty conservative people, and the female docs are worse, when it comes to judging you than the men.
Give me a nice male doctor in his 50s or 60s, (Jewish is good, but other is OK, too)..."

Wow, that's offensive. Sexist, agist, and discriminating against religions all in one! How do you even know your doctor's religion?!


As to the question: I'm a doctor. I don't see any reason why a doctor needs to know the exact number of people I've slept with in the last year. You can get the same diseases from one person as from one hundred. Even if you're in a monogamous relationship, you can't be 100% sure what your partner is doing, so your monogamy and number of partners is fairly useless information. Also, some STIs can also go undiagnosed for quite awhile, especially in women, so even if I haven't had sex in the last year, I can still have an STI, even without any symptoms. I've never been asked this question, but I would question why they needed to know a number, and just say that I have had sex, so test for anything relevant. I would love to know everyone around me's number, just because I'm really curious, but I don't think it's at all necessary from any medical viewpoint.

Well, as a nurse, I know doctors. I work with them regularly and am friends with a number of them. As a patient I have a right to choose my doctor based on any criteria I like. I happen to like older, male doctors. Why is saying I like Jewish doctors "racist?" It's an opinion. I also have Christian doctors. How do I know? I talk to my doctors. Don't you?

As for your post, and you stating you are a doctor, you say what doctors have asked or not asked you but not what you do.

My question: What did they teach you in Medical School pertaining to this question?

Airen, you said, She didn't like the fact that I wasn't working off my baby weight and put it in my chart that I was a Fat lazy housewife. OMG. I'm so sorry she was so rude (and you have every right to read your chart, and she knows that.) If I had a quarter for every time I heard comments like this from doctors like her.... I'd have... a lot of quarters.

Again, we are in agreement.

Whoa, it sounds like your doctor is incredibly unprofessional, but I would say that's because she's a jerk, not because she's a woman. I would definitely complain about that kind of behavior to her boss.

This is my policy 100% - doctors often like to imply or explicitly state that they need all of this information to be thorough. In fact, they do not. They don't even need to ask if my partners have been male or female because this is an ambiguous question at best in the first place. If my partner is male, but has a transgender history, I'm not at risk for pregnancy. Questions regarding specific sex acts would realistically be more precise, and could be phrased to be less invasive. Example: Have you had unprotected penetrative penile intercourse during (time period)? Have you engaged in unprotected oral sex, including anal oral sex, during (time period)?

It would also help protect patients against discrimination. I'm treated far better when I leave out my partners' genders, their relationship status, any sexual dynamics involved, BDSM, etc. I stick to the medically relevant stuff. I tell my doctors only the pertinent information about the sex acts themselves, so that they can be aware of the conditions I am at risk for or susceptible to. I also avoid male doctors at all costs when I can. I've have a much better rapport with women, and have consistently found my female doctors more likely to take my complaints and concerns seriously.

I didn't say your statement was racist, I said it was sexist, agist, and discriminating against religions, which I still think. Of course you're allowed to have your own opinions and choose your own doctors- I doubt anything I'll say will change your mind! As a young-ish, female doctor, of course it makes me sad that you'd automatically be disappointed if I walked in a room when you were waiting for a check-up, even if you were willing to give me a chance. It makes me even sadder that you're a nurse, and have had so many bad experiences with doctors.

I live in Sweden, which is a really secular country compared to most others. Relatively few people are religious here. I've definitely never had a patient ask me about my religion, or really anything personal except where I come from (I'm not Swedish and have a weird name). I don't care about any personal info about my doctors, either, and I can't think of anything I'd want to know about them, either. Maybe if I had a chronic illness or something where I met my doctor a lot more frequently, I would want to get to know them more... but I doubt it even then. To each their own, though- whatever makes you feel safe and satisfied with your doctor!

I've never asked a patient about the number of partners they've had. As I recall from gynecology (where I was about six months ago, so I think I remember!), we ask if a patient is in a monogamous relationship or not, homosexual if that's relavant (usually for STI reasons- like if you need to check homosexual men for STIs anally), and if they have any recent new partners. But Sweden is also more sexually liberated than a lot of countries, so maybe that makes a difference? I think gay rights are pretty well-established, and we even have free sex change surgery for people who meet the psychological criteria. I honestly can't even imagine any of the doctors I've worked with acting like the ones you guys described! Of course there are always bad apples, and I'm sure it happens here, but I would like to believe that it's very rare. There is definitely a lot of assuming all people are heterosexual among gynecologists and midwives (they do almost all pap smears and most pre-natal stuff, and some simpler gynecological things), and stuff like not asking women about anal sex when they should ask everyone, or not always taking a sexual history when it's relavent. So more ignorant heteronormative behavior, but I've never heard of any outright discrimination because of sexual habits.

Like I said, I can't imagine why the actual NUMBER of partners would be relevant whatsoever. We definitely ask about sexual history, but not numbers. I don't think they usually ask how long patients have been in the monogamous relationship either, so they could say yes, but it's only been a month or two, so that's kind of a dumb question if you don't ask further. We all know your risk of getting an STI goes up the more partners you have, but it only takes one partner, so they should always test if they suspect anything.

Honestly, it struck me as unusual that you felt your doctor's religion was pertinent. Unless you're Jewish and personally feel more comfortable with someone of your own religion, it kind of strikes me as irrelevant and probably based in stereotypes about Jewish people being smarter, more practical, etc. Even if these seem like positive stereotypes, all racial/ethnic stereotypes are ultimately problematic (and many Jews do consider themselves a distinct racial/ethnic group due to the prevalence of this assumption underlying their historical persecution). I'm from New York, and the phrase "nice Jewish doctor" literally makes my eyes roll. Not because there aren't nice Jewish doctors, but because everyone is obsessed with having one. It's a stereotype.

I'm not saying this to be rude, but it's probably worth evaluating if you care about being fair minded and always working toward eradicating personal prejudices. I understand preferences exist. Gender preferences, age preferences; to me, these seem more defensible. Gender can be a strong social factor in terms of the comfort of a patient. Institutionalized sexism creates tremendous tensions between sexes - both members of different sexes and the same sex. I've been molested by male doctors, and male doctors frequently dismissed symptoms as being rooted in emotional or mental causes - when they were not. I prefer women because in my own experience I have found women less likely to dismiss me in that way. I can understand the inverse preference, too; some women feel less judged by male doctors than they do by female doctors. Many people prefer older doctors; they're more experienced. That's hardly ageism, that's just wanting the person that knows what they're doing. I trust a doctor with 15 years of experience more than one that's got 5 months in. But, religious preferences? Maybe if you're concerned about facing religious prejudice yourself (for example, preferring a Muslim doctor because you feel they would be less likely to judge you for being Muslim). Otherwise, it seems a stretch for me to figure out how Judaism strengthens a medical professional's bedside manner.

The comment was simply based on the often truism, "I want a nice Jewish doctor." (Sorry, but every "nice Jewish doctor" I've had, with the exception of the infamous Dr. Seymour Diamond of the Diamond Headache Clinic, was an absolute pleasure to either work with or be a patient for.) Not that I don't have non-Jewish doctors (had a Hindu neurologist at one point and now my neurologist is a secular Christian.) My doctor in college was a Muslim and I've had a share of good doctors who at least were Christian in a secular way. Yes, when you have serious, chronic health problems, you see a LOT of doctors, and you talk to them. In this way you find out about them. Of course, when you work with them, you find out a lot about them, as they do about you. My "prejudices" are based on experience and my personal preference.

Where I live the "Jewish" thing is more secular than what his or her actual religious beliefs are. My preference is based on experience, not prejudice. (I honestly never thought I'd have to defend liking "nice Jewish doctors." It's common and you hear it so often because many people feel the same way.) I also prefer male doctors based on experience, as I have been judged and refused workable, adequate, effective treatment from several female doctors who felt I just needed to "buck up" and my chronic pain would simply go away. I never had comments like that from a single male doctor. I like men and I feel more nurtured by them. I also feel they listen more. I find female doctors (not all, but enough to make an impression) want to tellyou how much they know, not listen to what you have to say. I see this as a nurse as well as a patient.

I do have serious chronic health problems, and am a nurse, so I have more contact with physicians than most people have probably had.

I'm done defending myself. I choose doctors based on a lot of reasons, and my health being taken care of is more important to me than my appearing politically correct on a message board. So, I'm going to continue with what I know to be right for me.

I am open with everyone including my dr

Have I EVER? Yes. I was 15 and pregnant, so NATURALLY I was only with ONE person EVER......I have since grown up and am honest with my doctors.