The balls would so do the trick. That is a great idea!

This.

Because she won't, that simple. She doesn't use toys.

I give her effection all the time. Only recently has she begun warming up to mem but for most of the time she would just push me away. I don't see what couple's therapy do? She thinks there's nothing wrong with sex only a few times a year and even shakes her head and scoffs when I mention a poll here where couples are having sex twice a week, like their sex addicts or something.

"When you are laying in bed next to her, grab her face and kiss her passionately!"

When I grabbed her face and kissed her, she shoves me away after a small peck. "OK, that's good enough."

"Let her know you want her."

I do every day.

"Kiss her down the neck and move on to giving her oral sex"

Sometimes I can kiss her on the neck. She hates oral sex. Every time I try to kiss my way down she always says "No." and pulls me back up.

True, true. You know me pretty well. I post here out of fristration most of the time. I just need an outlet, someone to convey my frustration to but my options on that department are limited. I try talking with her about this issue but she always diverts the topic... which just pisses me off.

I can't think of any actual examples at the moment but it's always like this:

Me-"Tonight I want to take you into the bedroom, take off your clothes and...."
Her-"Oh look, there's a squierrel outside the window."

This is a little more rediculous but the real incidents are pretty close on the frustration level.

I will admit that a month ago she finally did have sex with me after I was in the shower with her and as she was stepping out of the shower I snuck my palm between her legs and to my suprise she was dripping down her leg. I said to her "You're this horny and you're turning me down?! I don't think so, tonight we're having sex and I don't want to hear any excuses." I did everything I could to make it romantic. I made a DVD of music by Faun(etherial celtic music) and put it to a video of a campfire with clouds and the moon that's animated. Put sounds of nature in the surround pans.. basically made a nice afternoon project. I showered, shaved everything up and even put on spec of scented oil. With that DVD playing on our 50" TV and the livingroom only lit by candles, I spent a good 20 minutes on our chouch trying to get her to make out with me with more than quick pecking, which she kind of slightly open mouth kisses by the time I penetrated her. She came almost immediatly. About ten minutes later she came again and I had her straddle me while I sat on the couch. I grabbed her and ground into her hard, she kept getting close. After a while we moved onto the floor with her on top. She came again and tehn told me to go because she was getting sore. After a while of working her on top we rolled and I pounded her quick and came. Then we took a quick shower to clean up.

The next day I told her that from now on Saturday nights will be our night for intamacy. No more company over late to interfere. When the kids go to bed, they have to leave.

The following two saturdays she shot me down. First was "I'm too tired" and the second was "I have a headache." This last saturday we did have sex but not without her complaining about being tired again, even though I know she slept in all day. So far this is twice in one month's time so things maaaaay be on the up, but it's far too soon to tell and given history, isn't going to last.

I agree 100%. Therapy is the key here, not ILDs (Improvised Lubricant Devices) attacks.

There's more going on here than her just "realizing" she might be horny. A good therapist would do you two a world of good. If she won't go, go alone. You can learn honest ways of communicating, (not demanding she has sex with you) and learn if the relationship is worth saving or not.

Did you two have a good run (meaning at least a year, preferably more) of premarital sex with each other before marrying? This sounds like Classic "let's wait until we're married" and then only to find out you two are simply not sexually compatible outcome. I see few marriages that work happily if they aren't test driven.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but something had to have triggered this, if she once was open to sex regularly. Only a good therapist will be able to discern what and why.

Good luck.

I'm still with P'Gell here. You ask what I think therapy would do, but outline several issues. I think really, you've answered your own question. A good therapist would help you both through this and help you both get to a place where you are both happy. My advice to you is at least give therapy a shot. Some health insurances even cover it.

Outlets are good to have--which is why I think that therapy would do wonders for you. Look, the simple fact is that having sex once a year and continuously denying your spouse sexual satisfaction is not healthy. Use the internet and the library--do you know how many doctors, therapists, psychologists, counselors, and just every day people will back you up on this? Of course she's going to roll her eyes over a poll that you found on an adult website--we're pretty much all sex-positive, and curious and adventurous enough to try out sex toys, sexy lingerie, books about sexual techniques, erotica, etc. But you have actual scientific studies about how marriages remain happy and healthy--and sexual intimacy is definitely up there. She may be practically asexual--but unless she lives under a rock or is in extreme denial about how people function, she's got to know deep down that her sexual responses, and how they relate to the man she married, are not typical. You describe her having several orgasms in one session, and it sounds like you guys had a good time--so I'm going to have to assume that there's nothing physically that killing her sex drive, unless it's hormonal. So there's got to be something else.

A couple of years ago, I watched a couple I was close with fall apart--a 15 year marriage, with three kids, and a nice home, nice careers...and both of them came to me at times to discuss their issues with the other one individually. You know what two main factors led to their failed marriage? One was lack of effective communication. If your wife starts talking about a squirrel she sees out the window while you're trying to come onto her, why do you let her get away with it? I don't mean, why don't you argue with her, but you have to let her know that you are unhappy, that you're clearly (and understandably) hurt by her rejection of you, and you want to know what the issue is, and how you can work together to come to some sort of agreement that you can both be happy with. You can't just let it go. This is where counseling will come in handy, because having an objective, neutral party listen to the issues that you two have will shed light on aspects of the relationship that may very well relate to your sexual issues, in ways that you never thought of before. But you HAVE TO make it clear that you are unhappy with the situation and that it is unacceptable. She will have to work with you on this, because she's your wife. You two work as a unit in your relationship, and one of you working on it while the other denies there is a problem is not going to cut it. When you guys agreed to marry each other, you implicitly agreed to love and support one another--if one of you is unhappy, both of you have a problem.

The other issue the couple had was sex--total sexual incompatibility, frustration, and resentment. And the one who was not satisfied had an affair, because the other one did not take the frustration and lack of needs being met seriously in that regard. She was shocked when she found out. I was shocked she hadn't suspected it for months--everyone else did.
But she also had issues with him in the marriage that made her really not inclined to have much of an urge to have sex with him--he didn't help out around the house or with the kids enough, she was always exhausted because of that, he could come off as insensitive, and uncaring--not too surprisingly, at the end of the day, she really did not want to have sex with him. Why would she? I'm not saying that this is mirroring your situation necessarily, but do you help out with the kids? Is she under a lot of stress and pressure? Does she have a job that is tiring? Do you help out around the house? You may not think that would play a big role in marital happiness and sexual harmony, but it really does. Few women can work, raise children, keep the house from falling into chaos, run errands, and then be up for a good romp in the sack at the end of the day. Help with these things, if they apply to you guys, could possibly do wonders for her mood to go to bed with you.

But it could be other things, too. The point is, there is a lot you can get from therapy that you can't get on your own, because you don't necessarily see the root cause of the problem--you just see the problem. But if you're willing to make schemes to doctor her underwear in the hopes that it will make her more desirous of sex, then why not put forth the effort to see a counselor? And if she won't go, you should at least go. It's better than resorting to desperation pranks.

No, she was never sexually open. The way we are now is the way things have been for 17 years.

But I seriously doubt I can afford any therapist fee. I'm the only income and we're living pay check to pay check.

I am sorry I would be pissed if my partner tried doing this but then again I am always horny and ready to give so he wouldn't have to worry about that. I will also say it would be a FAILED plan for mine since I don't wear undies half the time. I wouldn't demand she have sex with you but simply try finding out why she isn't open about having sex. You say this has been an issue of her not being open for 17 years obviously there is something else there holding ya'll together. Wish you the best of luck.

Can you afford NOT to have therapy? Divorce is very expensive. As is, obviously, the way your are living, but in a non-monetary way.

If you want the therapy, you'll find a therapist who charges on a sliding scale or ask your insurance about it. There are plenty of therapists who have sliding scales for low income people and people who don't have insurance. Dismissing the EXCELLENT (and probably only workable) solution of therapy immediately, out of hand, tells me you may be blocking a solution as well.

Also, WHY would you marry a woman who was never "sexually open?" People rarely change.

You can take the bull by the horns and get help (because I doubt that the sex is the only issue in this marriage) or you can complain and do nothing and assume your ONLY course of action is an affair... an affair which may well cost you MUCH MORE than therapy would, if she divorces you and you are found to be "at fault" by cause of having an affair. Men and women who have affairs tend to come out on the shit end of the stick with divorce. Judges DO tend to favor the "injured" party (and no, saying, "She wouldn't have sex with me" rarely sways a divorce judge, but having an affair will... in your wife's favor.)

You really can't afford NOT to get therapy.

In Maine, unless I prove she's a coke whore the judge sides with th ewoman by default. We actually have a law that the man is arrested for all domestic dispute calls. I remember when I was a kid and my parents got in a huge argument. My mom punched by dad in the face. He called the police because she was going ape shit and they arrested HIM. It was an ugly divorce. Alimony is automatically awarded to the wife if one is married more than 5 years. It's a messed up state.

"Also, WHY would you marry a woman who was never "sexually open?" People rarely change. "

Stupidity and blind love. I was talking with a guy on adultism.com and we were sharing videos. His wife was doing everything with him. You name it, she was doing it and I admitted I was completely jealous. When I told him this he said "I wouldn't have married her if she wasn't like this." I can say that's when I felt like the biggest A-hole. It was the slap in the face that made me realize that this all was my fault. When I think back I can pull up so many times I shoud have walked. And I mean realy bad times. But I always stuck in hopes that one day she would come around. And I always kept telling myself "If we take the next step, she'll open up." and step after step she hasn't. She used to suspect me of cheating on a regular basis. It got to the point that I told her it sounds like she wants me to cheat so she can leave me guilt free. She did stop that though. But I know now I was in denial... to the fact that I was in denial. My feelings have been a yo-yo for so long. Some days I don't want to be with her and I always know that by the end of the day I want nothing more than to be with her. Well, tonight is our sex night. We'll see how things go.

I don't think it's hormonal. Today's one of those days I regret marrying her. I spent the whole day yesterday cuddling with her and all kinds of effection. Last night wehen we had a minute to ourselves I embraced her, kissed her and said "I would really love you to do something special for me." Her immediate reply with a big grin was "I don't think so, forget it."
"You don't even know what I'm asking."
"Yes I do and the answer is No."
It took me a while of pressing to get her just to say what it was. She couldn't even say what "it" was like doing so would immediatly cause her to be struck by lightning. And the whole time I'm thinking she's talking about anal. And I was hoping she was because then my request for a blowjob would be less demanding. Then she finally says it. "You want a BJ."
I was sunk. I told her "Well yeah. I want cum from the most loving, sexiest and passionate blowjob in my life. And afterwards I want to spend the rest of the night making love to you and cum again."
"Nope, not going to happen."

And nothing happened. We had friends over and they wound up staying real late despite my rule of no one over after the kids go to bed. She insisted they stay because kicking them out at 11 was "rude". But these friends know the situation and agree with my rule for the reason I made it. They left on their own just after 11.

I'm not saying to get a divorce, and it certainly is hard on a family, but something you might want to think about is the environment that your kids are growing up in and the example that you and your wife set. Sometimes, if things are really bad and the unhappiness and discontent permeates the entire household, kids can be better off when their parents are divorced and in happier, better situations. Sometimes parents are better parents when they aren't together, and divorce can spare them the dysfunctional household. You're in a tough spot--and maybe no solution is going to be easy or perfect.

Would she see a marriage counselor? They can help discuss sexual issues in the marriage, but they can also help out with the overall picture of your relationship. It sounds to me like there's a lot more going on here then just sexual incompatibility. Maybe she would feel more comfortable with that kind of counseling situation, especially since it might seem to her to be more about the marriage as whole, not just the sex, where she might feel like she's being blamed for what's wrong, and her defenses are now up in response.