Knowing when to say "Enough's enough" in a marriage

I am sorry you are going through this, no one can say what the ultimate action would be for you, but if you need a friend who has gone through this same situation you have one. I will continue this after I put some of our leftovers away...just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

---go check out your song thread--that one has kept me above water a few times.

Well you said "should I go to counselling?" While it very well could be helpful, it sounds like you may not necessarily need counselling for your own self, but maybe counselling together to try and get help being kinder and more understanding as a couple -- maybe persuade her to go and it might open her eyes and maybe that'd be the atmoshphere where she'd truly see that she hurts your feelings.

We can't really know ya'll's relationship, but counselling surely would not hurt, as long as you guys found a cousellor you BOTH liked. And then maybe ya'll could work things out without needing a counselor. She may or may not be using you for income. It's possible she's just an independant kind of person when it comes to sharing too much? Maybe she's frustrated and stresses out in other areas? Do you feel like she loves you, truly loves you? Have you asked her?

Also, some questions I'd be asking myself right now would be:

1. Am I being pushed around intentionally? Is she just coming across as pushy due to stress with the kids or something, or is she literally pushing me around and truly not giving a crap about me or my feelings?

2. Does she ever express kindness or love towards me? If so, during what times? Regularly? Or only when she wants something?

3. Exactly what are the problem you both are having at the moment? It seems there are usually underlying, ongoing problems when a relationship stays in a rocky spot for a period of time. For instance, one partner may be holding some resentment/a grudge over something in particular and the other partner may be feeling angered or frustrated because they either can't figure out what it's all over or they know that their partner is holding onto some resentment and they know why, but don't want to fix/change or work on it. Sometimes a spouse may be carrying around resentment over, say, they feel their partner doesn't spend enough time at home and they've brought it up, but with no change. They tend to just hang on to the resentment and come across as angry and bitter for what seems like no reason. And really, there is a reason, but they seen that bringing it up got them no where. In the example of one partner not being home enough, say the partner brought this up and their spouse blew it off. You see how that would cause a bit of an underlying problem that keeps getting pushed back, but unsolved, the person still stays upset and the other has no idea what's going on.

Okay, that was just an example, mostly from my own experience. Sometimes I'll find myself just on edge and kind of testy with my loved one because I might, deep down have a little something keeping me upset because it went unsolved. Best to open it all up and start solving.

-Also is either of you angry? Why?

Another question I'd ask myself is "do I love her?" Sometimes people just stopping really loving each other, but find it easier to stay together rather than part.

Ask yourself if there's anything you could possibly be doing to make the situation worse and if you've done anything to make things better? Have you tried to get to the bottom of her seeming not to love you without coming across as frustrated? And if so, how did she react? Huffy and puffy like she was irritated? Sometimes people just get irritated when they feel like the have to constantly reassure someone they love them, but there's still nothing wrong with needing reassurance or needing to know. It shouldn't ever make you angry or upset to express your love for your partner, but if someone feels like they do express it and their partner responds negatively by saying things like "no, you don't love me," they may be showing frustration because it feels like no matter how hard they try, their partner does not believe them.


Now, I could be wrong, but the other day someone asked here something about marriage and I think I remember you saying something like you guys were just waiting to divorce (when the kids were grown maybe?) I could be confusing you with someone else though, but I'm not sure. Anyways, I'm sorry you guys are in such a tough spot. My heart really goes out to both of you.

My opinion basically comes down to this: you definitely shouldn't be told to "shut up" when expressing feelings. I don't like to be told to shut up ever and if my partner said that while I was trying to exlpain my own feelings, I'd be all kinds of upset! It's basically like saying "I don't care. Don't even talk or don't even tell me." And when you love someone you can't or shouldn't want to just not hear when something is wrong.

Best of luck though and I hope things get better. I wrote an article on SexIs recently (earlier this month, maybe last month) on communication between partners and I talked about a game my partner and I have used where you use colored cards (or paper) and both draw one, then the color you pick stands for something for instance pink means you share something you love about them, black means you share something that upsets you. Anyways, I explained how that game sort of does make things easier to talk about while preventing too much anger. Maybe she'd be willing to go for something like that. If it turned out my own partner wasn't willing to even talk or work things out and communicate with me anymore though, that would be a big breaking point for me. It'd seem like well, you refuse to communicate at this point so what's left? I hope you guys aren't at that point though.

Well, best of luck!

I'd really recommend going to therapy as a couple. You may also want to seek individual therapy because it sounds like you may have developed some issues from being treated that way for so long.

I think this is incredibly important, not just to help your marriage, but because of how you mention you guys don't have a united front with your kids. Kids will learn early on not to listen to the parent that gets shut down on decisions. If one says "you can't do that," but the other always says "it's fine" that can be a big issue for children. My mom and dad went through this when they were married as well. To this day my mom will complain about how he would belittle her opinion in terms of raising me.

I'd also be really concerned about her calling you names when you attempt to talk to her about issues. If either one of you is unhappy, you should be able to talk to the other without fear of name calling. That's completely a form of emotional abuse.

If you love someone, or once did, counseling (together) is always a best first option, except for situations where there's serious abuse happening. The thing you need to know about counseling is that it's not a solve all solution. Sometimes what comes out of therapy is simply finding out that you aren't compatible. We did couples therapy once and that was one of the first things we were told - it can't fix all your problems, but it can help you see if the marriage can work or not.

Best of luck to you. My husband and I spent a year having problems after the birth of our son. It was a very miserable time for both of us, so I can relate to the frustration of being in a marriage that isn't going well. Time, work, and some changes on both our parts has made us both much happier. Do we still have issues? Sure, sometimes. It's nothing like it was before we both agreed to work on things.

Your situation is absolutely not unique, I've been there.
It got bad enough that everyday I drove to work, I was considering which bridge abutment I could crash my car into. Obviously I didn't .
Your situation isn't unique but your solution is. I cannot advise you on what to do, you have to work that out yourself.
Mine solution was painful enough, I hope that yours is not.
If you feel the need, you may contact me, do so through EF "My messages" and we'll work out a way to talk.