When to keep my mouth shut

The New Intimacy

When to keep my mouth shut

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Contributor: dizzygirl dizzygirl
*sigh*
Last night I said something to my husband that is so bad, I guess, that I should never have spoken aloud.

I was on my third appletini and fairly sloshed. Something on TV sent my mind to thinking about a deep dark fantasy I've had. I suppose this fantasy is so taboo that you can't trust anyone to accept you, if they knew. Or at least this appears to be the case with my husband.

I won't go into detail about the fantasy. The specifics really don't matter for purpose of discussion here. I'll just say that the majority of people would find it very taboo. The thing is, the fantasy doesn't really involve me. I just think about people (faceless, nameless) performing the act.

So, there I was drunk with a plug in my ass (because we were prepping for some anal sex later) and I blurted out this fantasy of mine. My husband just glared at me with rejection and disgust on his face. I found myself backpedaling and trying to defend myself. I tried to explain that it's normal for someone to think of those things. I explained to him that what you think about and what you do are two very different things. None of it seemed to be working. He said nothing.

So, trying to lighten the mood I asked him what his deep dark fantasy was. The only thing he offered up is that he doesn't really have any and he's never ever thought about my fantasy. So yeah, I was crushed.

I didn't expect him to be into it. I just expected acceptance and a casual attitude that it was normal and harmless. I thought we were intimate enough that I could say something like that to him and he would not judge me. I was wrong. So, I pulled the plug out of my ass, went upstairs to my bedroom and cried all night.

I never felt ashamed of having this fantasy. It's like I said, what you think and what you do aren't always the same. It's just a thought I have for fuck sake. Now I do feel ashamed. I feel like I must be sick and depraved. I'm feeling like a pretty horrible person.

I don't know how we'll get our intimacy back after this. Now I will always be afraid to say or do things that he might judge me for. The thing is, we are very sexually liberal people. We've often had discussions where we both express the idea that any kind of sexual persuasion is OK as long as nobody is getting hurt. We've always agreed that consenting adults can do whatever the hell they want. Again, I guess my fantasy is so taboo that it exceeds his idea of sexual openness.

So the thing I've learned is that there really are things that you never dare whisper a word about... ever. No matter how close you think you are to the other person...some things just shouldn't be shared. Just take it with you to the grave. I wish I could take it back...never said it. But now it's out there and I don't know how we're going to relate to one another, in and out of the bedroom.

I'm just feeling so low and disgusted with myself... no one to talk to. Certainly can't talk to him about it. I just needed to get the whole mess out there in the open. So, thanks for the outlet.
04/02/2013
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Contributor: Ryuson Ryuson
(Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by dizzygirl
*sigh*
Last night I said something to my husband that is so bad, I guess, that I should never have spoken aloud.

I was on my third appletini and fairly sloshed. Something on TV sent my mind to thinking about a deep dark fantasy I've ... more
Wow, this is kind of a heavy topic!

I think that the first thing to do is to give him some time to cool down. Let him think about it. It may have just been a huge surprise and that it didn't fit into his image of you and your sexuality, and it may take him a bit to make the two mesh.

It's strange that he seemed so open minded before hand, but now is not. I mean, unless it's seeing someone get raped and murdered or something like that I feel like it shouldn't be a problem. There's also something else; having a fantasy and acting on it are two very different things. There are people who WANT to have sex with kids, but it's not harmful to anyone unless they do, and they even make porn with actors who look very young to help them get those urges out.

I really hope you two can work something out. If it's something 'gross' like eating vomit or feces I can see how it may impact your future love life for a while because of the 'squeeked out' factor. If you two are having trouble because of something like that, and it doesn't go away in a few weeks, I'm sure that there are marriage councilors who could help to point you guys in the right direction.

I feel like as a husband and wife you guys should be able to tell eachother anything. That doesn't mean that a couple HAS to or even has to want to tell eachother strange, sexual fetishes, but you should be able to talk about things like that without ruining your relationship.

I promise, you aren't gross. I had this argument with someone a few semesters ago and I'm super passionate about it: A thought or action can't be wrong or hurt people, acting on it can be wrong or hurt people. You having whatever fantasy you have, even if it does contain something that would be immoral to do, isn't wrong in itself because you're not going out and doing it. You're not low or disgusting, I promise, everyone has strange sexual thoughts every now and again!

If you need someone to talk to in private you can always message me! I may not have professional advice, but if it would help I'm always here!
04/02/2013
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
"So, trying to lighten the mood I asked him what his deep dark fantasy was. The only thing he offered up is that he doesn't really have any and he's never ever thought about my fantasy. So yeah, I was crushed."

I stopped reading right there...and I'll tell you why...

My husband said the very same thing to me when we first were together and talking about this stuff and with a lot of gentle encouragement and positive reinforcement from me, he's now the one who can't keep his mouth shut about some of his most depraved fantasies.

For someone who has always been told that sex is "this or that" and then they're asked to step outside of their comfort zone, there's almost always a deer in the headlights reaction.

Just keep talking...but most importantly talk outside of the bedroom. Have a glass or two of wine and just start at the least taboo and work your way up. And to find out where things rank, toss down a couple of sheets of paper and say write down things you've seen in porn that you want to try and things you don't want to try. Then ask the reasons behind them....why is one act more okay than another. Eventually the mind will open and things will start to smooth out.

If he resists, don't push. Just let it drop, but eventually bring it up again in a non-threatening manner. Never accuse and use "I" statements.

My husband has things that turn him on and things that don't and so do I, but we're respectful and tolerant (and in love with each other enough) that we allow both of us to have room to explore them.
04/02/2013
Contributor: Ryuson Ryuson
(Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
"So, trying to lighten the mood I asked him what his deep dark fantasy was. The only thing he offered up is that he doesn't really have any and he's never ever thought about my fantasy. So yeah, I was crushed."

I stopped ... more
The writing things down thing is a really good idea once things cool down. It would help you get a better idea about what he feels like doing and why he doesn't like the things he wouldn't be okay with. Great post, Stormy!
04/02/2013
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Oh and as far as the "never say it out loud thing", just give it time to sink in. When you have a chance, don't backpedal just explain where you were and that you had no intention of ever doing it just that the thought ran across your mind. You probably hit a nerve in his own psyche and he needs time to deal with his own thought process on the matter and to him it seemed like it was coming from left field, so he just wasn't expecting it. It'll all be fine soon enough.
04/02/2013
Contributor: dizzygirl dizzygirl
Thanks for the kind words.

We've been together for 14 years and I thought nothing was off limits to talk about. Hell, we even did the swinger thing for awhile (my idea). So I figured we were both comfortable getting as wild as we wanted.

I think this fantasy would shock most people but there would be some who would understand it. It's like I said, the fantasy isn't about ME doing it... just the thought of people doing it in general. The taboo nature of it just gives me a little thrill when I think of it. I doubt it'll be something I fantasize about now.

Now I just feel disgusting... like there's something wrong with me. Thing is, I have this book which is a collection of letters submitted by women, about their sexual fantasies. I've been reading it again recently and that's probably what put it in my mind. There are, in fact, several stories in that book where women fantasize about the same thing I do. So, on an intellectual level, I know that I'm OK. I'm not some deranged pervert. Just the reaction from my husband makes feel ashamed and like I must be mental for thinking such things.

Ah well, hubby is the type who likes to let things go so... I doubt I'll bring it back up. There's no reason to at this point. It's out there and he isn't into it. Move on, I guess.
04/02/2013
Contributor: dizzygirl dizzygirl
Quote:
Originally posted by Ryuson
Wow, this is kind of a heavy topic!

I think that the first thing to do is to give him some time to cool down. Let him think about it. It may have just been a huge surprise and that it didn't fit into his image of you and your sexuality, ... more
"If you need someone to talk to in private you can always message me! I may not have professional advice, but if it would help I'm always here!"

Thank you for this offer. Really my husband is the only person I have to talk to. It's situations like this when that becomes a problem.
04/02/2013
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by dizzygirl
Thanks for the kind words.

We've been together for 14 years and I thought nothing was off limits to talk about. Hell, we even did the swinger thing for awhile (my idea). So I figured we were both comfortable getting as wild as we ... more
Ah well, hubby is the type who likes to let things go so... I doubt I'll bring it back up. There's no reason to at this point. It's out there and he isn't into it. Move on, I guess.

I really don't think this is the way to handle this, but it's not my marriage. There's no reason you should feel this way and there's no reason to suffer in silence.
04/02/2013
Contributor: Munko Munko
I also wouldn't let it go...this is something that will affect you long term, even if he lets it go. Those are the things that fester and build up over time, until things either come to a much bigger head than ever needed, or your relationship starts to suffer as your insecurities eat at you over it, and your sex life becomes the victim.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I do agree though, that if given time to sink in and really think about it, he may be more open to discussing it, or accepting of the fact that it's something you've thought about.
04/02/2013
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Munko
I also wouldn't let it go...this is something that will affect you long term, even if he lets it go. Those are the things that fester and build up over time, until things either come to a much bigger head than ever needed, or your relationship ... more
Well said.
04/02/2013
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
Just wanted to chime in and say in my experience, letting things go like this has generally had a negative impact on our relationship. If something really, really bothers me - I know it will continue to bother me. Then if I have something that continues to nag at me (like a little dog nipping at my heels) I know that eventually enough steam is going to build up and I'll explode in an angry tirade.

For our relationship, it has proven to be much more helpful and healthy to talk about things. Even really, really touchy subjects where we disagree on a fundamental level. The bottom line is we love each other and we want to be together and get along - that means sometimes we have to talk about something that makes us both uncomfortable - but we do it for the greater good.

Not with the intent of convincing him that I'm right and he should see things my way... just with the intention of understanding each other better. Allowing each of us to see the other's point of view - and be able to at least understand and respect it, whether we agree with it or not. Allowing each of us to also be the other's soft place to fall, safe place to express ourselves, etc. For us, that can't exist if I am holding something inside that's really painful that he's done or said.

Making myself into a martyr by suffering in silence has never accomplished anything good for me in any relationship - and that is especially so with the very closest relationship in my life: my partner.

Just my 2 cents.
04/02/2013
Contributor: Trysexual Trysexual
I think you should own your thoughts and fantasies. He has no right to act like that. I totally understand where you are coming from and why you feel you do, but you have a lot invested in your relationship to just "let it go", especially if you were that open before. You may want to bring it up in a nonsexual environment and let him know he hurt you. It's ok if he doesn't share your fantasy or want to participate, but that he should not react that way to you.

I have some really taboo fantasies that I have not shared with most people, so I get it. Without knowing all the details, it's hard to give good advice, but you're best to keep the communication open I think.
04/02/2013
Contributor: Ryuson Ryuson
(Review Program Mentor)
I agree that you shouldn't just brush this off. It made you feel hurt and insecure in your own sexuality with him, and that's something that needs to be addressed. Even if it's not right away, the whole 'pretending it didn't happen' thing seems like it will leave you bottling up your hurt and him bottling up his discomfort, which will cause major issues in the future.

You need to figure out why he found it to be such a big deal, and he needs to try and understand why you like it and how those thoughts aren't harming anyone. Good luck!
04/02/2013
Contributor: dizzygirl dizzygirl
I figured I'd wrap up this thread.

We talked. He says that I misinterpreted his reaction. Yeah, I dunno. But he says he doesn't judge me or anything. It's all good. We kissed and made up.

Thanks for chiming in!
04/09/2013