Feeling Starved for Affection...

Feeling Starved for Affection...

Chilipepper Chilipepper
So, after experiencing single life in my 30's after a bad marriage, I'm nearly wishing I never divorced because the lack of love and affection is entirely too depressing. This is bad, because I'm not sure which is worse - my shitty marriage to a passive-aggressive man-child with no libido, or the lack of affection. Most all of the time, I'm glad that I divorced. I really don't need him. I've proven to myself that I'm perfectly capable of handling things on my own.

Then these bouts of affection starvation come about, and I'm wondering why the hell I can't find a relationship with someone/anyone. It's frightening and depressing that no one loves me. I know I have a lot to work on - still doesn't change the fact that I'm fucking lonely.

To complicate matters, I can't do "casual" anything. I completely envy those who are able to just pick someone, go after them, screw, and don't worry about it ever again. It feels like there's something wrong with me in which I can't treat people "casually" and I have to be so intense and involved to be able to trust someone with my body.

So, that's basically what the whinge is - starved for affection and wanting verification of meaning something to somebody, and too paralyzed from past experiences to do anything more than have a cry about it.

Can't wait to be able to see a therapist again.
09/01/2012
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PeachCandy PeachCandy
So sorry to hear about what you are going through... It is really hard not having the affection you crave. I don't think there is anything wrong with you as far as the casual thing. I've never been one to "pick someone up" either. There is nothing wrong with trusting someone with your body. In fact, I think it's a good thing. Too many women lose respect for their bodies based on their immediate needs. So bravo to you. As far as finding a new love...have trust in time and faith in love and when the right person comes along they'll be all yours. Just try to hang in there
09/01/2012
Mari Mari
Hey, hun, don't worry. WE all love you! So there! Stick THAT in your, err... instability and fuck it!

No, seriously, though, we love you. And we all feel for you. Everybody has been in a crappy spot at one point or another.

From what I've read on teh interwebz, most females tend to have trouble with causal sex. When we have sex, we release more oxytocin than men do. Oxytocin is referred to as "the bonding chemical" because it causes the people to bond. That's why women tend to want monogamous relationships more than men; we become more bonded to them than they do to us. It's just evolution/biology/gene tics and whatnot. That being said, some women don't feel the need to have relationships and are okay with causal fucks. And some men don't want causal sex but a relationship. So it's normal for you to not want casual sex; a lot of women don't. I know that *I* am uncomfortable with sex with some random person.

And, sorry to echo PeachCandy, and I know this isn't what you want to hear, but finding your new "someone just for you" will take time. It always takes time. XP But it starts with people-- you gotta go out there and FIND people. Get some more friends (one can NEVER have too many friends). Get back in tough with friends from high school via Facebook. Join a dating service or find some kind of get-together thingy. Find and befriend a gay guy who's willing to be your living teddy bear(just a suggestion, in case you, y'know, feel weird snuggling with a woman). Then it's just you being snuggly with a good friend, no sexual attraction involved.
Point is that it takes time and people. I know it hurts and is hard to wait; sometimes you wonder if your true soulmate wasn't somebody born in China who you'll never meet. But he/she IS out there, and you CAN find him/her! We believe in you.

If all else fails, you can turn on more lights and get more sunshine. That helps with depression (speaking from experience here). Also, stuffed animals. Because everybody loves squeezing the life out of a soft, cuddly, inanimate animal.
09/01/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
No words of advice but wanted to say that I share your pain. I'm still in a relationship but looks like it might be ending soon. And I'm lonely as hell. I'm the kind of person who thrives on affection. I never got it in this relationship and I won't get it for awhile. It's hard to deal with.
09/02/2012
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Thank you, ladies. This has happened sometimes since the divorce and has sort of returned a bit after former-Master let me go (even though it was extremely long-distance). Can handle every day being on my own but sometimes ... the Loneliness Fairy sneaks up with a sledgehammer. I haven't felt it in a while and it ambushed me Friday night and on into Saturday.

Nothing can be done by whinging. We work with what we got.
09/02/2012
Mari Mari
Well, if the Loneliness Fairy has a sledgehammer, then you need to get yourself a bug zapper racket. THAT ought to take care of her.
09/03/2012
Total posts: 6
Unique posters: 4