Why guys get upset when you use your toy?

Contributor: candypants1991 candypants1991
Some nights when it's been a long exhausting day and my man wants to just do the deed for hours I just want to grab my toy, get off, and then go to bed, and every time he gets upset thinking he's not enough for me but he is. I usually end up giving into what he wants, but damnit I want to just get off and fall asleep some nights, are all guys this way?
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Contributor: chicmichiw chicmichiw
Originally posted by candypants1991
Some nights when it's been a long exhausting day and my man wants to just do the deed for hours I just want to grab my toy, get off, and then go to bed, and every time he gets upset thinking he's not enough for me but he is. I usually end up ... more
I like spending time with my guy -- though I will be tired in the morning. Hopefully you can explain to him that it's situational, not about him.
Contributor: Cosmonaut Cosmonaut
I don't think all men are that way.
Contributor: Taylor Taylor
I don't think all guys are this way, but I know it's a frustrating situation to be in. I had a partner that I had this issue with often, and we weren't ever able to really resolve it. Hopefully you will have better luck than I did
Contributor: Marie Hanna Marie Hanna
I think it would be pretty common.
Contributor: bratcat bratcat
Have you talked to your partner about how you feel and the reasons why you'd rather use a toy rather than sex?
Maybe suggest he use a toy on you, or have a duel masturbation session so he can feel more involved and intimate.
Contributor: Fluke Fluke
Sounds like you can make a compromise in which you guys have a quickie while you or he uses a toy on you. Us guys kinda just plow ahead with what we think is best unless told otherwise. You just need to have a conversation and say like when you pull out this toy all you want is quickie action.
Contributor: TJtheMadHatter TJtheMadHatter
My husband flat out refuses when I want to bring toys into the mix. Fortunately he falls asleep fast and hard. So if he's not in the mood, or if I didn't cum (once in a blue moon), I grab my vibe. He rolls his eyes at me, if it wakes him up. At the same time, rolls reversed, I'd be pissed, if he'd prefer to use a masturbator instead of having sex with me. Just saying. Either way, I'm glad that I upgraded to my we-vibe Salsa. It's super quiet, so he sleeps right through it.

*I don't turn him down, when it comes to sex. He pretty much controls when we have it b/c he's never really in the mood. He's either beat-down tired or just isn't in the mood. So, even if I'm not in the mood and would rather just have my quick clit-gasm, I take what sex I can get.
Contributor: K101 K101
Originally posted by candypants1991
Some nights when it's been a long exhausting day and my man wants to just do the deed for hours I just want to grab my toy, get off, and then go to bed, and every time he gets upset thinking he's not enough for me but he is. I usually end up ... more
I can see how he feels that way. Sex is more than getting off, since it's a "bond" and way of connecting too, it would be easy to feel left out if you were being put to the side for a toy. I'd explain this to him -- that you just want the no-strings attached orgasm and sleep. It might help, if you haven't already. Still, I can understand how they could wonder or worry that deep down, they aren't "enough." Especially if you do this often. Not saying you are wrong to, by any means! I'm just saying why I personally think they get upset or hurt over it. They probably really think they may be doing something wrong. But if it comes down to you "giving in to what he wants," then it sounds like neither are being 100% totally satisfied. You don't want to have sex & he does. But if you grab your toy instead, he feels hurt. On the other hand, he keeps on until you "give in," which might make you feel a little resentment.... I don't know. That's just what I think I'd feel like. Trying to see from both POV's, that's what it seems like.

So, I guess what I would do is, if you do want sex with him too, find time when you aren't tired. When you do have the time & energy to go all out & have sex. Then, you'd both be satisfied. I think? As long as the focus is evenly distributed between partners and both are happy and being satisfied.

If you've already told him that it's just you're tired and want a quickie, then I'd try next making a plan to do it together the next time. Try alternating, maybe? I don't know. I wish I could be of more help.

"Are all guys this way?" Well, it's hard to say really because we don't know your schedule. Do you guys have sex often? Or does it seem like you prefer the toy more often? Are both partners being satisfied when you guys do have sex or is something being left out? If any of that is giong on, then it's probably a deeper issue that really might need more attention. I mean, it sounds like without communicating about this, he could easily start feeling resentment, as could you. And I definitely don't think not talking about it is going to cause him to come around to the toy thing.

For us, I use my toys during our fun. I just add them in or he does & we'll use them a while before sex or something. That way, nobody's left out & it's much more fun for me to have him in the play too. I don't get much fun from using them alone, but everyone's different.

But no, I don't think all guys are "this way." I think everybody is different, but to answer your question, I do think most people would feel slightly concerned or a little worried, maybe a tad insecure (with worry they aren't good enough) if you just grabbed a toy most of the time & didnt' want sex with them. That is, if you've not told them that it's just that you're tired & want to do it quickly. However, if there is something more like you not wanting sex with him as often or if your needs aren't met during sex or something isn't going the way you need during sex, it couldn't hurt to try and gently mention it. Ya'll could always work on it & just make the sex even better.

So I think it depends on the situation (how often you're using the toy over him, etc.). Most guys will probably understand that you want to just get a quick one in before bed or something. But I also think most would feel somewhat concerned that they may not be doing something right if you started using the toy more often than them, especially if you did it suddenly. I mean, it's natural to worry about things. It's natural to think "well, what if I've not been performing up to par."

The best thing to do is talk about it though. It's no fun to be hounded into having sex when you don't want to & you shouldn't have to be hounded into it. But it's no fun to feel unwanted either. I think just a good ol' talk and some reassuring on both sides (or if there is something lacking, bring it up) would fix it up. And it's better than leaving it un-resolved & just causing more possible resentment to grow -- towards your toys and/or towards being hounded into sex.

If it's only every so often, I think as long as he knows that the sex isn't lacking, he'd likely be understanding. I don't know your situation really though.

I just seen Fluke's comment. I think that's a great idea! A quickie where he uses the toy on you, or even if you just asked him if he wanted to join, but made sure to tell him that you were tired & wanted it to be a quicker-than-usual thing. That may do the trick just fine. A lot of times, they just want to feel involved in pleasing you, especially if your SO is the type who does care about pleasuring you too.
Contributor: Dolphin Lady Dolphin Lady
Most men are that way.
Contributor: leanright69 leanright69
Extended play time is important but a quickie is ok sometimes.
Contributor: TJax TJax
I can't speak for most men, but I don't mind if she isn't in the mood. I enjoy watching her play solo too. If she would prefer to get off quick and go to bed I will let her and go have some fun by myself too.

We just have more fun together.
Contributor: PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
If I wanted to make love to my husband and he just wanted to jack off and go to sleep, that would really hurt my feelings. He's never done that, but I would imagine it wouldn't make me feel very good about myself. Sex is a connection and it's something very emotional to me.

Have you ever told him that you're just really tired? Maybe instead of having a lengthy session, the two of you could masturbate together? There's a way to compromise with all things. When you're tired, you shouldn't have to worry about trying to get into something lengthy if you're not feeling up to it, but you need to also consider his feelings in the matter. Find a middle ground and go with it.
Contributor: *Camoprincess* *Camoprincess*
Luckily I prefer having sex with my partner when he is home and luckily he likes that I use toys. So we don't have that issue my exes use to think me using my toys meant they weren't enough but sometimes I would be left unsatisfied while they were 100% satisfied. I did my thing and left it at that they enjoyed watching but hated that I used them.