Help! need advice on sexless marriage.

Help! need advice on sexless marriage.

aspy aspy
I got married in October to a guy I was dating for almost 5 years. He was a virgin and wanted to wait until he got married for sex but I had been previously married and had plenty of sex in the past. Well, I agreed and we fooled around a little but waited to have sex. Wedding rolls around and everytime we tried to have sex, he couldnt stay hard to penetrate. So, he got viagra and that still didnt keep him hard. He promised he wouldn't masturbate until we had sex but he never initiates anything. I have found rags around from when he sneaks in playing with himself and have confronted him about it. I told him he should be coming to me and trying to have sex with me instead. I don't have anything against masturbation but he should not be doing it if he can't have sex with me. I should be his outlet until whatever is wrong is fixed.
That is how I see it and last time I asked why he does that, he said that he had no idea (on why he would masturbate after promosing me not to).
I am beside myself about the whole thing and I am super depressed. My sex drive has gone downhill because of the depression. I am 37 and I want kids and I feel that chance disappearing because I am getting old.
It is really hard to even think about this without crying. I've never had this problem before. I've even been told in the past that I was good in bed.
I honestly don't know what to do. He mentioned that we needed to get more comfortable in bed together but when the only sexual relationship he has is with his hand, i don't know how that is going to happen.
I can't even find advice on the internet about this.
If anyone has any good advice, I could use it.
05/13/2016
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Evoluchun Evoluchun
Quote:
Originally posted by aspy
I got married in October to a guy I was dating for almost 5 years. He was a virgin and wanted to wait until he got married for sex but I had been previously married and had plenty of sex in the past. Well, I agreed and we fooled around a little but ...
honestly ive been there before it is somethin that has to be aproached with a open mind and full of communication. it has to be talked on how it hurts you or him or what not and if after a long talk it still cant be fixed then you have to decide if its somethin you can live without
07/05/2016
TexasBrat TexasBrat
Quote:
Originally posted by aspy
I got married in October to a guy I was dating for almost 5 years. He was a virgin and wanted to wait until he got married for sex but I had been previously married and had plenty of sex in the past. Well, I agreed and we fooled around a little but ...
Wow, it sounds like a lot to deal with. I'm sorry you're having this issue. I've never had that issue specifically before, so I'll try to give you my best recommendations I can.

First off, why did he want to wait to have sex before marriage? Was it religious/moral based?

Is he the same age as you are, or about?

If he was prescribed Viagra, I'm assuming he has no major health issues, and his Viagra WAS prescribed, right?

If these are all yes answers, there could be a few things going on.

Obviously, he's not sneaky, because he's leaving the evidence of his masturbation around where you can find them, so either he's not that slick, or he subconsciously wants you to find the evidence. As a healthy male, he should be able to make love to his wife, and probably masturbate too. Healthy men masturbate. It's quick, easy, and releases stress.

Now, he could be so worried about not pleasing you or anxious, that he can't get or maintain an erection. There are a few solutions to that:
Have a masturbation night. You masturbate yourselves, not each other. Each of you watching the other one to completion. No touching. Ease into it. Make him feel like him watching you turns you on, and that also shows him what you like having done to you. He may genuinely have NO idea what to do.

After that happens, have an oral night. Not any penetration, just oral pleasing. One time just about him, one time just about you. No switching. Finish to completion.

Ask him what he thinks about and what gets him hot before and during his masturbation sessions. Don't fall for the "Oh, YOU baby", because that's a general answer most men will give if you ask them. Be sure to let him know that there's no guilt or feeling bad about his desires.

If nothing else works, and you have genuinely tried (this may take months). There could be 2 things, in my opinion.

One-he's so wrapped up in his moral or religious code that he still feels like sex is a sin, no matter if he's married or not.

Two-and this may be hard to hear: He may be gay. If he's so conflicted about morals/religion, he may not admit to this, or have even wanted to explore that option.

Best wishes. I hope you keep us informed as to what happens. Good luck to you.
07/16/2016
StarlaD StarlaD
Quote:
Originally posted by aspy
I got married in October to a guy I was dating for almost 5 years. He was a virgin and wanted to wait until he got married for sex but I had been previously married and had plenty of sex in the past. Well, I agreed and we fooled around a little but ...
I have to start off by saying that I'm sorry you are going through this and I truly hope that it works out for the both of you. Now, I haven't been in this specific situation, but I have been in a relationship with my husband for six years and we still have our awkward dry spells that can be hurtful at times. As a matter of fact, I almost bursted into tears two nights ago when I initiated foreplay and he acted like he wanted it until I grabbed his hand and led him to do some 'work' and he acted annoyed and bored instantly and said "I'm really tired" but continued to 'do the job.' I almost lost it but quickly gained my composure and reminded myself that I have been in those moods before too and I decided not to make him work and I did all of the 'work' myself and ended up enjoying it more than what he could have done.

So.... The best advice I can give you is to relax, open your mind, let go of anything negative that might hold you back, dress up (really feel sexy), do whatever it takes to get yourself in a flirtatious and luring mood... Masturbate if you have to... But don't let yourself finish. And then once he enters the house or room crawl up his body and be the woman all of his fantasy women could never live up to. Don't focus on his reaction (unless it's good). Only focus on your mission... If he can't get hard, grind on it anyway and enjoy it... Or suck on it until he does get hard. Don't take offense to anything that happens. Honestly, he probably doesn't get hard because he's intimidated by losing his virginity and his comfort zone is his hand. Help him step out of his comfort zone by dodging all of the awkward moments. Maybe he is so focused on pleasing you that he over thinks it and screws it up every time. He's probably humiliated that you are so hurt by it. And maybe he is looking to you to teach him how to be comfortable with sex. And since you have experience,maybe he pictured it differently. He may feel like you aren't attracted to him sexually. Really get into it.... Act like he is the sexiest man alive and that he is making you feel better than any man has ever made you feel. Be dramatic. I bet he just needs an ego boost and his woman to help him relax.

I really hope this helps. I hope I get to learn the outcome! Thank you for your post! And thank you for taking the time to read mine!
Mar 28, 1:52 pm
StarlaD StarlaD
Quote:
Originally posted by aspy
I got married in October to a guy I was dating for almost 5 years. He was a virgin and wanted to wait until he got married for sex but I had been previously married and had plenty of sex in the past. Well, I agreed and we fooled around a little but ...
I just saw that this was from 2016. Well... How are things now?
Mar 28, 1:53 pm
Gr8pumpkin Gr8pumpkin
Quote:
Originally posted by aspy
I got married in October to a guy I was dating for almost 5 years. He was a virgin and wanted to wait until he got married for sex but I had been previously married and had plenty of sex in the past. Well, I agreed and we fooled around a little but ...
I was in a marriage that started like yours, she wanted to wait for intercourse, so we did...it took 8 years before we finally consummated the marriage, and we eventually split up.
Thing is, it isn't normal to not to want to enjoy sex as a couple, and even with age and cultural differences, things usually get going at some point. If I was to hazard a guess, he is either embarassed for some reason, or simply not willing to get a family started, which, it sounds like is a big drive for you, and may be he is feeling the pressure from that. You really need to sort this out before it goes too long, or you risk losing out on a chance to stay together. Get some couples counseling by a good therapist. The best way to conquer this is by hitting it head on. Good luck, I hope you can resolve this issue and live happily ever after, as a couple, or not.
Apr 12, 5:44 pm
Happily Married, little sex but it's OK Happily Married, little sex but it's OK
Quote:
Originally posted by aspy
I got married in October to a guy I was dating for almost 5 years. He was a virgin and wanted to wait until he got married for sex but I had been previously married and had plenty of sex in the past. Well, I agreed and we fooled around a little but ...
I'm happily married to my soulmate.

Unfortunately I have a high libido and she has a low libido.

It happens - and it sucks, but I still wouldn't change anything.

There are a lot of us out there - I'm upper-middle class, educated, fit...give massages and she loves and appreciates me.

Everything in our relationship is a 9/10 except our sex life, which is a 2/10.

Just garbage - she's spent more time on Facebook this weekend than sex with me the last 6 months.

I just don't get it.

I liken it to entering into a lifetime tennis club partnership where you promise to only play tennis with that one person. You treat them great (and they appreciate it), you handle the business (and they appreciate it), you stay in excellent tennis shape (and they appreciate it)...but they never want to play tennis anymore. You will play the game however they want it...but alas, no game for me. Pretty much < 10 games per year while my partner stands in 1 spot the whole game.

So I'm stuck watching tennis on my laptop and whacking the ball by myself against the wall, less I risk losing the tennis club by law and paying out the nose for the rest of my life.

Just fucking crazy.

I guess my advise for anyone dating is - make sure you're sexually on the same page, because that's the only thing you can't do with others. If you like sports, politics, music...you can do that with other people without repercussions. This is really the only thing you're going to lose out on.
Apr 15, 8:48 am
Total posts: 7
Unique posters: 6