Dating and Genital Herpes

Contributor: Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
Ever since I've been sexually active, I've always told myself to be careful about STDs and I did all I could to never get one. I would avoid people that I suspected of having anything. In short, for the five years I've been active, I've never got an STD and I thought I was in the clear.

Until this Monday. I had some weird blister like things on my vagina (disgusting right?) and I had a UTI. A lot of my symptoms matched up with herpes but when I went to the dr., he said it looked more like a skin infection than anything else, but he said he wanted to take a swab test to be sure. He called me back on Monday and told me I tested positive for Herpes Simplex 1. I was at work when he called and I all wanted to do was cry. I never had an STD my whole life, and the first one I get is fucking incurable. He put me on some medications to clear up the infection, and to suppress the virus. Since Monday, I've been taking my medicine and a combination of other vitamins to help build my immune system. I feel so much better externally, but internally, I'm a wreck.

Of course, when I found out I had herpes, I did as much research as I possibly could. I found that if I continue to exercise regularly (I exercise about 6 times a week), eat right and take my meds, the rate of transmission to other partners during the time I don't have breakouts is slim to none. I found various symptoms to identify when I'm about to have a break out and what to do when it's about to happen. I found that though it's an uncomfortable disease, I could live with it as long as I keep myself healthy. I would rather not have all together, but since I don't have that option, I found that's it's doable.

The issue I have is not living with the disease, but trying to pursue a relationship with it. A lot of people, like myself, are poorly educated about herpes and would prefer to avoid to be in contact with those infected. I'm in my early twenties now and of course, I still want to date and have sex. Those who live with the disease, how do/ did you bring it up with your partner? How do/ did they typically react? How much harder is dating with herpes?

I know this was lengthy, but since I really don't have anyone to talk to about this, I thought I could put this here. Thanks all
08/18/2011
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Contributor: JessCee JessCee
I do not have Herpes but I can relate. At 18 I was told I have HPV. I have only had one potential partner since then... I got to know him very well, I told him I had HPV and suggested he put some effort into reading up on it before we went any further. I also assured him that if he wanted to end the relationship I would just have to understand it, because it would be really selfish of me if I didn't accept it.

He was very concerned and sadly, things have never been the same between us.

I wish I could say that it isn't hard dating with an STD... but that would be a lie. For me, it has been very hard. I loved him with everything in me and would have done anything for him... but he just couldn't bring himself to be with me.

I have found some STD dating sites ( I assume you find partners based on the STD you have) but I have never really looked much into it. So maybe that could be an option for you.

Either way, I really hope you have better luck!!!! *fingers crossed for you*
08/18/2011
Contributor: ToyGurl ToyGurl
Quote:
Originally posted by Ms. Spice
Ever since I've been sexually active, I've always told myself to be careful about STDs and I did all I could to never get one. I would avoid people that I suspected of having anything. In short, for the five years I've been active, ... more
Thanks for sharing. I worked at planned parenthood and I went through a lot of support classes with teens and even some adults who had herpes or other STD's. I eventually was in charge of all the meetings.

My advice for you is not to cry, and not to feel ashamed. 3/4 people in this world have an STD and it's usually herpes. Secondly, tons of people have it and don't know. Your symptoms could very well disappear completely.

We have had a lot of kids who basically followed the things you said (Exercise, eating right, keeping clean, avoiding too much stress, and so on) and their herpes went away completely. Of course they were still infected internally, but they rarely had outbreaks or just haven't had them in a while.

It's all about how you look at it. Herpes is one of the STD's you should least worry about aside from making sure you don't spread it. It's not deadly, it isn't HIV/AIDS and it's something you can manage with a little effort.

Switch from any jelly or porous sex toys to non-porous sex toys. I recommend glass for dildos and hard plastic or silicone for others. This will help you prevent the spreading. Glass toys is a great way to have toys and still be able to share them with your partner (after washing, of course).

Good luck and if you ever need to talk, please message me. I have a lot of advice since I basically hosted these support groups almost daily.
08/18/2011
Contributor: toxie m toxie m
Quote:
Originally posted by Ms. Spice
Ever since I've been sexually active, I've always told myself to be careful about STDs and I did all I could to never get one. I would avoid people that I suspected of having anything. In short, for the five years I've been active, ... more
Ms. Spice, thanks for sharing. I know firsthand that this kind of thing can be rough to talk about.

When I found out I had genital herpes, I thought my dating life was over. I definitely did a lot of crying and feeling sorry for myself. What I found, though, was that despite the stigma still associated with the disease, people were still interested in me. Guys who had been pursuing me before were still after me even after I told them. They realized that it really isn't a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, and that was exactly what I'd needed to hear at that time. My self-esteem started making a recovery.

I didn't do a lot of dating for the first 6 months, but I eventually met a guy and we started going out. We had some cuddly sleepovers, but obviously no genital contact. I told him about the herp a few weeks into our dating, while cuddling in bed one night. It was terrifying. He was thoughtful and quiet for a bit, just asking questions and listening to me. After I left he did some research online and talked to a few close friends, and the next day told me that he didn't care, he absolutely still wanted to be seeing me. That was over a year ago, and we're still together now. It's great, and it was so much easier than I'd imagined it would be.

My main advice is to just get to know guys before disclosing to them. You want them to see you for the awesome person you are, not just label you as an STD carrier. In my experience, most people are open-minded about the whole thing. There definitely are people out there who will be too afraid to contract herpes from you to become involved, but if you're dating decent guys you will almost certainly find many more who know that you're worth the risk. It's awesome that you're taking care of yourself and minimizing that risks, and guys have a lower chance than girls for contracting herpes anyhow. Go slow, be cautious with your heart, and don't put too much pressure on yourself or others.
08/18/2011
Contributor: ToyGurl ToyGurl
Quote:
Originally posted by toxie m
Ms. Spice, thanks for sharing. I know firsthand that this kind of thing can be rough to talk about.

When I found out I had genital herpes, I thought my dating life was over. I definitely did a lot of crying and feeling sorry for myself. What I ... more
Yes, you definitely shouldn't tell someone right off the bat. It's something personal, important, and delicate and those who you trust have the right to know if you feel they have the right. And if a guy wont stick around because of it, then he isn't worth your time anyway! You're better than that! An STD cannot define you.
08/18/2011
Contributor: JessCee JessCee
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
Yes, you definitely shouldn't tell someone right off the bat. It's something personal, important, and delicate and those who you trust have the right to know if you feel they have the right. And if a guy wont stick around because of it, then ... more
I agree. very inspiring words STL.... definitely something I will keep in mind " if a guy wont stick around because of it, then he isn't worth your time anyway!"
08/18/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Thank you for sharing. It is quite a shock at first and when I found out about my diagnosis, I was a young teenager. A very young teenager. I think because I was so young, I developed a "this is the way it is, take it or leave it; choice is your's and you're not going to break my heart if you walk away" attitude about the whole situation.

Surprisingly, (I've always dated much older guys) I never had anyone tell me I was dirty or disgusting or tainted in anyway. Everyone was generally understanding and we would talk about the precautions that needed to be in place. It generally would be the very first thing I would tell a future partner as soon as the idea of sex came up. It wasn't easy, but it did become easier over time. I eventually settled into a longterm, monogamous relationship and we've been together for a very long time.

Unfortunately, I slipped up and wasn't paying enough attention and he did get the herpes virus. Fortunately, neither of us have had an outbreak in years. Neither of us are on medication and we have a typical American diet; the only exercise we get is sex. At this point, the only time I would need to consider the potential effects of having the virus is if I decided to have a child. Pregnancy tends to cause flares more frequently and the virus can be passed during childbirth. If a sore is present, the OBGYN will perform a c-section. If no sore is present, they will deliver the child in whichever manner is best for both mother and baby.

It'll take some getting used to, but the right person really will not care. Most everyone will take the time to consider it, but those who educate themselves and care for you will see it as a minor annoyance. Just keep your head up, you'll find that person.
08/18/2011
Contributor: Diabolical Kitty Diabolical Kitty
Thanks for sharing. I have a few friends with Herpes and they do have sexual partners. My friend has it and as long as she doesn't have a breakout she has a very active sex life with her partner. They even just got pregnant. She'll have to have a c-section to prevent spreading to the baby, but you can still have a very active sex life.
08/18/2011
Contributor: Beck Beck
Thanks for sharing, I do know few people that have herpes. They live life just like all of us. If you watch TV you see the commercials for the medicines for herpes, they say like one and five have it. That is a lot of people, you should not have a hard time in dating. That is once you are up for it. There are dating sites that are for people with STD's, I think that would be a great place to start. I think I would have to disagree about not telling someone right away that you have it. The person who gave it to you, would you not of wanted them to tell you if they knew right away, so you had the choice to decide?? I think this is information that is important before you get attached to someone. I hope you take care.
08/18/2011
Contributor: Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
wow. thanks everyone. It's so wonderful that so many of you responded so quickly. your words of encouragement mean so much and it alleviates my pain a little bit. I think i'll shy away from the dating scene until I know how my body reacts to the disease, but I'm definitely going to remember all of your tips and words of encouragement. STL, I think I may message you in the future, since you do have that background and expertise.

I feel a little bit better, and it's all thanks to you. it'll be difficult, because I still have my own stigma about herpes but i think as long as I keep educating myself and my future partners, it should make my life easier. and i'm glad that people tend to be a lot more open and understanding than we generally assume them to be. If i could, I would give all of you a hug. *hugs*
08/18/2011
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
Thanks for sharing, everyone who shared and Ms. Spice for stepping up and starting the topic.

I don't have herpes or any other STD, but I've had my scares. I don't think telling someone early in the relationship is a great idea either, but it's definitely something to bring up before any naughty bit sharing.

With the percentages this high in the population, I wonder if Herpes is going to be one of those viruses/diseases that make their way into our DNA. There are theories that some diseases/viruses influenced human evolution...interestin g stuff.
08/18/2011
Contributor: Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
Thanks for sharing, everyone who shared and Ms. Spice for stepping up and starting the topic.

I don't have herpes or any other STD, but I've had my scares. I don't think telling someone early in the relationship is a great idea ... more
i feel kind of flattered that you've approved of my topic lol but it is something that I think everyone should have some kind of advice on. and that would be interesting, about 1 in 5 people in this country have genital herpes (a lot obviously is not diagnosed) and about 50- 90% of people have oral herpes.

i wouldn't be surprised if it did make some impact into our DNA, just because of how much it affects not only the US's population but the world's as well. i just wish research for a cure could step it up a little bit. scientists have cured it in animals but we have a way to go before people can be cured. i'm just glad treatment is just so advanced and can do so much for those who are infected and their partners
08/18/2011
Contributor: Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
and i really do think the best route is to get to know someone before i (or anybody else who's infected) bring up my status. that way, a person doesn't see you just for a disease, but something much more dynamic and precious
08/18/2011
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by Ms. Spice
i feel kind of flattered that you've approved of my topic lol but it is something that I think everyone should have some kind of advice on. and that would be interesting, about 1 in 5 people in this country have genital herpes (a lot obviously is ... more
Nothing is worse than turning a blind eye to something like this...except maybe persecution for it.

Talking about STD's and things like this is important to fighting ignorance of it!
08/19/2011
Contributor: Tuesday Tuesday
Quote:
Originally posted by Diabolical Kitty
Thanks for sharing. I have a few friends with Herpes and they do have sexual partners. My friend has it and as long as she doesn't have a breakout she has a very active sex life with her partner. They even just got pregnant. She'll have to ... more
Your friend will only need a c-section if she's having an active outbreak at the time she gives birth.
08/19/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Ms. Spice
i feel kind of flattered that you've approved of my topic lol but it is something that I think everyone should have some kind of advice on. and that would be interesting, about 1 in 5 people in this country have genital herpes (a lot obviously is ... more
It's kind of already a part of our life cycle. Were you aware that chicken pox and shingles are also herpes viruses, though they are not actually the same virus as genital herpes. It's pretty interesting stuff.
08/19/2011
Contributor: Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
It's kind of already a part of our life cycle. Were you aware that chicken pox and shingles are also herpes viruses, though they are not actually the same virus as genital herpes. It's pretty interesting stuff.
yeah! maybe sometime in the future, our bodies will be infected with genital herpes once and then it will stop making an appearance (though it does kind of do that already, it just takes a little bit longer for outbreaks to appear and the intensity does go down a bit...) gotta love science lol
08/19/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Ms. Spice
yeah! maybe sometime in the future, our bodies will be infected with genital herpes once and then it will stop making an appearance (though it does kind of do that already, it just takes a little bit longer for outbreaks to appear and the intensity ... more
Absolutely. I won't get into it all, but I've had a sneaking suspicion that disorders within the brain are a turning point in human evolution. It's fun to kind of let the brain go that way and wonder if these things are biological or if we're doing it to ourselves through processed foods and medications and other environmental factors.
08/19/2011