Ah! I'm not alone! I'm not alone! LOL I actually was supposed to go for my yearly pap smear+ breast exam 4 days ago. Oooops! I'm holding off on it until probably this coming Tuesday because I feel the way you do. It's extremely unsettling for me & as pathetic as this sounds... it brings up these horrible feelings for me from my past (rape) and I CANNOT get over how a fucking pap smear brings this up for me and for the life of me I can't figure out WHY it brings it up. So I end up being really down about it all day, sometimes the day before & sometimes still the day after, so this year I've decided I'll just plan ahead & make sure I go on a day when I know I won't have a million other life pressures on me. Just clear the schedule.

Seriously. It's crap. I'm sorry you get to feeling so badly about it too. It's not easy, but every single other female I know talks about theirs like it was fun or something! And here I am having hot & cold sweats for the entire day after, freaking crying in the damn doctor's office & everything. It's pure humiliation! Last year I actually broke down and cried. Such an ugly experience. Usually I hold these feelings in until I get home, which for the past 7 years (since my actual incident) I've actually stayed at home for the rest of the day after a pap smear.

I don't know why I relate a pap smear to my being raped, but I feel so stupid every single year when this happens. What's really bad is last year, they scheduled it on my birthday & wouldn't let me out of it because they gave me this crap about it being put off and I'd not be able to get my regular medication and yadda yadda.

Anyways, you're definitely not alone. I understand. Your body is YOURS and it kind of feels bad to be almost forced to have to do that. It's kind of degrading? Or is this just how I feel? It's something you know is important, but it still leaves you feeling so low. Even though my doctor is a female, I still can't get over how a pap smear feels very much the way I did when & directly after I was raped. I've wondered why I'm the only one, so it's actually kind of comforting (although I am so sorry you feel badly too) to know there's someone else who this type of thing is not a light thing for. Everyone else goes on about their days & they laugh and giggle when they say "I gotta pap smear coming up this week." And I'm like "oh shit. Pap smear in 3 months. Heavy breathing, heart racing, cold sweat.

Now I can say that the past 2 pap smears have been different because while I did go straight home, cancel any plans for the rest of that day, I came home both times & went to bed & then got up later and we spent the entire evening goofing off to cheer my crazy self up. And that really helped! I actually managed to get through the next day without feeling like I had a rapist stalking me -- no idea why I get that crazy and excessive with the paranoia after the pap smear. I mean it has been 7 years almost & it's not like the actual rapist is coming to get me all over a pap smear! It's crazy thoughts, but I can't seem to get rid of them at the time.

So I'm hoping with everything I have that this Tuesday, me & my partner will be able to go goof off or go do something that'll cheer me up and take my mind off things.

It sounds like you're worries are with them judging your looks? I will tell you what might give you some relief! Before you go in, like a day before, maybe the night before, go online & read some people's REAL life stories about their crazy pap smears. I'm telling you, it should really relieve the anxiety where that's concerned and you might even laugh! I've read some that are funny. I'll tell ya, you should not worry one bit about your body because they have seen every normal body! Is it the doctors that give off this impression? I know some doctors don't make you comfortable during the ... procedure. Lol. But my newest OB/GYN actually worked really hard to make me feel okay, especially after I broke down last year!

Even worse, during my last visit, last year, RIGHT after I totally broke down -- I'M talking tears flowing, snotty nose & all -- this was the first time I'd had the new OB/GYN & she was doing the pap smear stuff & trying to make me feel better & apologizing over and over, which made me laugh & end up feeling bad for freaking her out with my break down. Well, she actually spent THIRTY minutes trying to do this pap-smear. I kid you not. She couldn't "find" my cervix! She was getting really nervous & trying to re-situate the speculum and kept saying "I'm so sorry. I know this is uncomfortable, but I can't reach! I can't find it!" Then she actually asked me if I was sure I'd never had my cervix removed. I was still shaking from being so upset, and here I am laid down with her at my crotch, hunkering down & I started laughing because we were both basically a wreck! She ended up having to leave me lying on the table bed & go get the other NEW nurse to help her "FIND" my cervix! It was crazy. But as crazy & uncomfortable as it was, I actually laughed forever after that because I'd felt better about my breakdown because I know she felt humiliated. LOL.

I don't know why that made me feel better. Her having to literally hunt my cervix was uncomfortable & crazy because OMG! She was literally like face all up near me! But I guess her being less.. professional kind of made her more human to me & I basically ended up feeling like we were two goons in a small room with one of us crying & having a nervous breakdown while the other has a nervous breakdown just trying to find a cervix! And then the third person, the second nurse in the room was trying to shield her face because she said she didn't want me to feel uncomfortable, but had to look! So it ended up working out okay, by some miarculous reasoning.

And what do your nurses look like? Sounds crazy, but try imagining THEM all sprawled out nude on the table. Might help. I have done that before. Also, all of the OB/GYN ladies I've had throughout the years have really worked to make me feel comfortable, although you can't ever feel totally okay during that. One even discussed her own pubic hair! It helps to be talked to.

Also, try to remember that they aren't really staring at your outer parts, but they're focusing deep inside there. Okay, I think this would help anyway? It might just make it worse, but I personally feel more comfortable knowing they're not looking at the outer bits for long. Do they give you paper napkins to cover with? They should & if they don't ask for some or use your clothing to cover the upper half. Mine give me this huge roll of napkin paper to cover all of my parts with and they just push aside the amount necessary to do the actual .. business, which leaves most of my vulva covered. You should see me though. I'll have that napkin tucked up & around, behind my butt & everything until the very last second when it has to be moved.

I'm so sorry you feel badly. I'm getting worked up now just thinking about my dreadful Tuesday. Gosh, I hope something helps you. Like I said, try reading funny pap-smear stories first. Try picturing them sprawled out nude getting a pap-smear & maybe, just maybe it'll help.

Well, I'm really glad you brought this up! It's actually perfect timiing because maybe someone will chime in with something that brings me more comfort before Tuesday too.

PS. If you can, try to clear your schedule for the day of the exam & go do something really fun, maybe even wild! After the dreadful event. Lol. That is what I plan to do again this year. If it helps, go spend time with a crazy friend who always makes you laugh.

Best of luck to you.... and me! LOL. less